It has been so long. I have shifted blog since 2009 owing to a dispute with some colleagues.
Recently, I keep coming back to read the old posts. I've been blogging since 2004. That is a long time. I have never stopped blogging, so this means 7 years of life recorded on the internet.
Talking about connection, I am not very IT savvy and I keep falling behind times. MSN? No longer there. Friendster is just ancient. Facebook, I deactivated it today due to some personal reasons. Twitter? Never got the hang of it. Android? Truth is, there are so many of them I dunno how to choose so I give up trying to choose.
I doubt anyone is reading this blog since it has been defunct for more than two years. If you are reading this, hello. This is a surprise and you are truly, to quote a friend, "rare".
Au revior, but not here anymore.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Christmas Preparations
2 more weeks to this year's Christmas Eve Dinner. Dad bought an oven last week at Best denki, so this year, guys, expect alot more roast and baked stuff! I'm in the midst of testing out Christmas recipes. Here is a sneak preview:
Apple Cake:
Ham and Cheese Muffins:
I really hope all my invited guests can turn up. So fast it is 4+2+3+2=11, plus me and my mum and sis, it will be 14 of us. Gawd..and I really hope the table can squeeze so many of us =/ It will be a really really tight squeeze. Eugene reckons my table can only sit 10. Thinking of it...yes my table can probably only sit 10. I have to lay the table somemore so it wouldnt be just putting chairs.
Speaking of laying out things..I think my house doesnt have enough christmas decorations. Hope you all dont mind la.
Here is a list of the Christmas dishes which I may be preparing:
Roast Turkey, Baked Ham, Baked Pasta, Black Pepper Seafood Spaghetti, Shephard's Pie, Grilled Spareribs/Chicken Wings, some soup...and I'm still thinking and consulting my cookbooks.
Desserts/Appetisers: Siena Chocolate Cake, Apple and Cinnamon Cake, Non-bake cheese cake, Ham & Cheese Muffin, Chocolate muffins, Jam muffins, noodles, crab mayo crackers, salads, prawn dips, ice cream and sashimi! (Anything more u would like, pls tell me!)
Drinks: Sparkling, Juices, Lemon Tea. (Enough?), I would love to make cocktails, but wait till I lay my hands on recipes..
Friday, December 05, 2008
A New Dawn
Some friends are truly meant to be there. Whichever situation you meet with, there is bound to be someone you think of immediately. Such beauty in friendship, must be treasured. Such comfort in companionship, must not be taken for granted.
It seems, that perhaps there might be some headway to the current problem I face. Yes, there is some effort to salvage the situation. Though spoken words cannot be reverted easily, they must be burried if there's something more important to hold on to than hurt and hatred.
To my friends
I am sorry I missed out the gathering today. But...I will put in my efforts to create a pleasant and of course, sumptuous Christmas tea party this year. It is my way of saying I genuinely treasure our friendship. Every mouthful that all of you might eat are going to be made with my loving hand. Aww...I didnt mean to be mushy, but I am just grateful. Besides, cooking is one of my hobbies other than stitching and reading about art and history.
Sidetrack..
Honestly, I think if I were living in the past where Statistics, Specialist Measurements, Physics of Buildings and those annoying brain clogging stuff belong only to egoistic men, I would be a very fine lady indeed. But, whatevers, hecks! I am a modern lady with the intelligence of both tradition and progression.
Anyway, Fumin sms me and told me about the girls' suggestions of an overnight party. Fabulous! We will be inviting Christmas together. This gave me the idea of a traditional dinner party.
Traditionally, a Christmas eve supper should be held in candlelight after the stars come out. AND, one should traditionally stay awake throughout the midnight. You can see some resemblence here to our Chinese New Year eve tradition, haha. But in our case, we might most probably be playing Mahjong through the night after we have christmas dinner.
Basically I will skip all the weird games that children play during parties. Dont worry we will not be playing muscial chairs or biting apples that are hung by the string. Neither will we be throwing flour at each other. Hence the most important part of the Christmas party will be the Christmas Eve dinner. I will have quite a number of guests including my family. Gosh...I wonder how the table is going to fit. Plus my dinning room is not exactly airy and we are going to eat under candle light...somebody will be complaining it is too hot! Haha..
Now, I will have to rack my brain for Christmas recipes. I really love cooking but since my oven broke down 2 years ago I havent baked any cakes. However, I see my daddy looking for cheapo ovens at supermarkets nowadays. Perhaps he does miss my apple cakes after all =) Thick apple cakes with real apple made syrup poured onto it..yummy! If he manages to get an oven before Christmas, then I will be baking lots of goodies including cakes, muffins, sweet breads and other things you tend to see only in books. However, if he doesnt, I may have to buy them. I totally cannot tolerate Christmas without at least 5 different kinds of cake.
This year, I may have to work out things on a tighter budget. It wouldnt be gracious to ask guests to pay. So I will try my best to provide sparkling, fruit punch, finger food, chocolates, cakes, muffins, etc etc....and at least 10 dishes for main course. And I hope you all wont be bored just listening to Christmas carols. I will have to checkout what Starhub cable tv offers on the night of Christmas eve. I hope there will be something good otherwise you all will brand me a lousy host, haha.
My next few posts will be on Christmas recipes. Time to get into some actions to forget the negative feelings. Feel free to tag and give comments in case my taste in food is different from you guys! And ya...expect to receive my official invitation in about a week's time! I will be writing them out. The theme is traditional, remember?
And perhaps I will buy Christmas hats for everyone to wear during the party!!
Happy holidays~
It seems, that perhaps there might be some headway to the current problem I face. Yes, there is some effort to salvage the situation. Though spoken words cannot be reverted easily, they must be burried if there's something more important to hold on to than hurt and hatred.
To my friends
I am sorry I missed out the gathering today. But...I will put in my efforts to create a pleasant and of course, sumptuous Christmas tea party this year. It is my way of saying I genuinely treasure our friendship. Every mouthful that all of you might eat are going to be made with my loving hand. Aww...I didnt mean to be mushy, but I am just grateful. Besides, cooking is one of my hobbies other than stitching and reading about art and history.
Sidetrack..
Honestly, I think if I were living in the past where Statistics, Specialist Measurements, Physics of Buildings and those annoying brain clogging stuff belong only to egoistic men, I would be a very fine lady indeed. But, whatevers, hecks! I am a modern lady with the intelligence of both tradition and progression.
Anyway, Fumin sms me and told me about the girls' suggestions of an overnight party. Fabulous! We will be inviting Christmas together. This gave me the idea of a traditional dinner party.
Traditionally, a Christmas eve supper should be held in candlelight after the stars come out. AND, one should traditionally stay awake throughout the midnight. You can see some resemblence here to our Chinese New Year eve tradition, haha. But in our case, we might most probably be playing Mahjong through the night after we have christmas dinner.
Basically I will skip all the weird games that children play during parties. Dont worry we will not be playing muscial chairs or biting apples that are hung by the string. Neither will we be throwing flour at each other. Hence the most important part of the Christmas party will be the Christmas Eve dinner. I will have quite a number of guests including my family. Gosh...I wonder how the table is going to fit. Plus my dinning room is not exactly airy and we are going to eat under candle light...somebody will be complaining it is too hot! Haha..
Now, I will have to rack my brain for Christmas recipes. I really love cooking but since my oven broke down 2 years ago I havent baked any cakes. However, I see my daddy looking for cheapo ovens at supermarkets nowadays. Perhaps he does miss my apple cakes after all =) Thick apple cakes with real apple made syrup poured onto it..yummy! If he manages to get an oven before Christmas, then I will be baking lots of goodies including cakes, muffins, sweet breads and other things you tend to see only in books. However, if he doesnt, I may have to buy them. I totally cannot tolerate Christmas without at least 5 different kinds of cake.
This year, I may have to work out things on a tighter budget. It wouldnt be gracious to ask guests to pay. So I will try my best to provide sparkling, fruit punch, finger food, chocolates, cakes, muffins, etc etc....and at least 10 dishes for main course. And I hope you all wont be bored just listening to Christmas carols. I will have to checkout what Starhub cable tv offers on the night of Christmas eve. I hope there will be something good otherwise you all will brand me a lousy host, haha.
My next few posts will be on Christmas recipes. Time to get into some actions to forget the negative feelings. Feel free to tag and give comments in case my taste in food is different from you guys! And ya...expect to receive my official invitation in about a week's time! I will be writing them out. The theme is traditional, remember?
And perhaps I will buy Christmas hats for everyone to wear during the party!!
Happy holidays~
Thursday, December 04, 2008
Post Exam III
I woke up with an immense throbbing pain in my heart this afternoon. The pain made me lie in bed for a very long time. It set me crying and set me thinking.
When I got up, I went to take a look at all my fish tanks. I took a quick note that all of them are alive. But I sense no happiness. Then I looked at my planted tank. More grass are dead. One of the stem plants had broke into two. A stalk of hair grass had disrooted and is floating on the water surface. The suction of the hang on filter is stuck with dead leaves. But I didnt feel anxiety or panic or frustration as I should have. All I could think of is the ringing words of his distain in my hobby. All these that I am doing...each day, each morning, each evening, each time he is not there with me. These things, he shows no interest in. He rather I did not have them.
But I proceeded to switch on the lights, clean the tanks, add the fertilisers, feed the fishes. I felt monotonous. There seem to be no point, no happiness in doing these. And then I saw a tank, where a female had dropped fry. I didnt feel delighted. I didnt feel excited. Because all I saw was his disinterested face when I try to share my excitment with him.
I scooped out the fry and I took a picture of them. But...the excitement, the happiness...are absent.
If I cannot share such happiness and excitement in my life with you. What more can I do? What am I supposed to share with you? What can I share with you to make you happy? What? What?
What happened today
It is now 3.30am.
I cannot sleep. 1 minute my brain tells me to accept the fact that we might part, but the next minute my heart declines and I cry.
I dedicate the below post to you. In fact, all the posts that I have entered the last few times, is for you. I cant disturb you during your exams I know. So I blog because I know sometimes you would come and read. Then without bothering you, you can read about me at your own time when you are free. But...I would never know when you will come by. So I can only do my part and silently type things here, wishing you would read and understand what I am feeling.
This post, is about today. When after crying for so many hours, I am in one of my rare sober mind and have realised, at least very slightly, that today's situation shouldnt have gone so badly wrong and disastrous.
__________________________________________
I would like to give a full recount of what happened. To give you a full explanation and description of all my body languages today.
And to tell you what happened, and eventually hope to understand why everything progressed the way it did. And even if you have almost want to give up on us, our love, all that we have shared for the past 1 year plus....I hope, that there is still hope. I still hope that you would understand me and I really didnt like you say, flare up like a petty lady. I thought, you still loved me. At least I thought so....until the phone conversation we had just now. Nevertheless.....
__________________________________________
Yes, I remember the happy look you had when you saw me today and my heart registered the genuine happy tone you had when you spoke to me. My heart fluttered when I heard that happy tone finally after such a long time. For that second, I forgot all other things and my heart tells me that I am genuinely happy to see you too.
But why had I become so mad? Apart from all the reasons I had tried to put across, perhaps it was also the fact that deep inside me, I know I was wrong to blame you. I was wrong to make you go there and be with me.
Yes, initially I was very hurt and angry that I cannot understand why you cannot accept my aquarium hobby like I do.
So in my nights of insomnia, in my lonely nights when I can only think of you but cannot look for you...I begin thinking..begin looking for answers in my mind, and trying to recall from my memories of you, why you cant share the this interest that I do.
I remember when I started this guppy hobby. I didnt ask you to join me because I know you wouldnt be interested. For a while, I contemplated giving up the new found interest because I wanted to find a hobby that I can share with you. Since, we have both left the game that have brought us together. There need to be something else that gels us together.
But then shortly, you informed me of your past hobby in luohan keeping. So I was delighted really. I thought we have a common interest again. So I ventured further. I asked you questions about my new hobby which I thought you enjoy too. I looked up the information on luohan and tried to understand the hobby that you once had. Whichever fish shop that I went to, I looked for luohan and try to admire the beauty that you once sought. Did you know that today, at Aquastar, Blk 934, the first thing I looked was not guppies and plants, but I went to look at their display of luohan, thinking how you would react when you see those fishes. I even saw one which had a particularly big kok, and I wanted to show it to you. I thought you would be happy to see something which you like. One of the luohan was priced at $680. I imagined your reaction and I thought how funny it would have been if you were to criticise it and say the money is not worth the fish. Then I would have looked at you and enjoy the serious look on your face when you say that. I dont know anything about luohan. But I was always mesmerised by the way you commented so professionally on these things.
So, while I waited for you to come, I kept imagining us admiring the fishes together, imagining how happy we will be to laugh at the weird fishes on display. I saw a huge display of saltwater fishes. And I remembered that you once kept marine fishes and I kept it at the back of my mind to show you the live coral rock that I saw. The fascianting coral can actually move.
Meanwhile I worried was, would you be bored when you are here, and I had to find ways to make you enjoy this trip. I didnt even look at the guppies. All I thought was you and how to make you enjoy this place so you wouldnt be bored when you reach. There were many ornamental shrimps for sale but I took a quick look by myself because I know you wouldnt be interested, so I told myself, ok, after I finish looking at shrimps then no more.
Then I saw the bettas, took a look and thought, the guy dont like betta. I better dont show him if not he will be bored. And I thought, next time I can bring my sister here to look cos she likes betta. Then I looked at the giant tortoise, I knew when you walk past it you would surely comment on it. So I smiled and thought, I will have to show you them later on.
Because I remember the last time we went to the fish shop at yishun. We quarrelled. I didnt want that to happen again. I know you have much less interest in my new found aquarium hobby but I thought you might at least be interested in looking at fascinating fishes. And at the back of my mind, I reminded myself to keep this "sight seeing" short, so I would not bore you.
I was even thinking, the place is close to Northpoint, we can catch a movie later and have a nice dinner after such a long time. The thought made me happy and I forgot that I had to scold you have being late.
I thought, well, once you reach, you would say you are terribly sorry, that you know you were wrong, you would make up to me by saying you miss me after so long. Perhaps you would compromise for once and ask me if I have seen any nice fishes here, or you might ask me did the guy at the house who sold me the rocks bully me...then I would have replied you, well not really, I got the rocks at a bargain and ahh...I would say, I saw some really big luohans, one of them has a really large kok, I would like to show it to you. This was what I thought would happen.
And so I waited and waited...and still no news of you. I was getting a bit annoyed and bored from looking at the same old fishes. I kept turning around and hoping to suddenly see you. After walking and looking at the same fishes for the 3rd time, you finally reached.
I remember the look on your face. You looked happy, but your face looks haggard. I was happy to see you but I was worried because you look stressed. But I was also secretly laughing at the white shirt you wore because I wanted to say it makes your face looks pale. But I was also happy. Because I was thinking maybe you wore the white shirt because you know I like you to wear white crisp tshirt. And I was wearing a black shirt that time because I know you like black, and I was thinking black shirt can make me look slimmer so you wont keep laughing that my stomach is fat.
Then I saw the bottle of ice lemon tea in your hands, and I was pouting inside me, thinking, where is mine? Then I heard your chirpy tone of yours saying you are happy to see me! And I suddenly felt very happy too because the sight of you makes me want to smile too and I have so much to show you in the fish shop, especially the big luohan. I am sure you would take your time to criticise the luohan and tell me how good yours was in the past.
Then I looked away from you, trying to act angry so that you would sense my displeasure for making me wait so long and you will say, "Darling, I am very sorry I am so late lah..Btw how was the rocks that you bought? Did the guy bully you? Did he give you sub quality rocks?"
Then I would have replied, "Aiyah, why are you late! Later I get molested by the guy how? Maybe the guy also jikopek and I kena cheated. Wish you were there to help me." But I would be smiling while jesting, because I just wanted to flirt with you went into hibernation for exams after so long. I want you to sayang me after I waited half an hour for you and was darn scared about going alone to a stranger's house.
Then you would have replied, "Darl, I already told you that I am sorry. It was the darn bus which didnt come! You know the stupid SBS buses. Remember! The last time I wanted to meet you at Bugis, you were late by so long because the bus didnt come! And you were so angry! But I still forgive you in the end right? So you should forgive me also."
I was standing just in front of the normal corydora fish tank at the time, I remember, really waiting for you to say the above things. But you didnt, and merely said to me, "Sorry, I couldnt find the place."
I felt disappointed. I thought a sorry should be more sincere and since I am a girl and you are my bf, you should have pacified me abit more. But...never mind. I didnt say a word. So I turned my back, stared at the fish in the tank, hoping you can read my sign language and then start to try to pacify me or at least look at the same fish in the tank at me and start to comment on the fish so we have a common topic.
But suddenly you showed me your half drunk ice lemon tea and asked me, "You wanna drink?"
I was like..err...you drank halfway already. Then why ask me drink your half drank ice lemon tea which probably is not cold anymore and have a huge amount of saliva in it.
I was a bit disappointed now. So I said softly, not angrily, "No thanks."
Then, I forgot if it was me who handed you the bag of rocks or you offered to carry it for me. But you helped me with the bag.
So after that, I thought you would definitely peep into the bag. So I peeped at you from the corner of my eyes and bingo, I saw you open the bag and take a look inside. So I thought. Ok, right now you are going to ask me the if the guy who sold me the rocks got bully me or not, then I can start to sa jiao to you.
But, lo and behold, you simply kept quiet. I was confused and slightly angry now. So I continued to walk forward, waiting for you to open your mouth. I purposely walked past the marine fishes twice, to see if you would start a topic with me on that. But...again you kept quiet. So I walked and walked and walked....and you still kept quiet.
I was upset more and more and more. I am wondering, what happened? Why havent you opened your mouth? I was dying inside me to show you the incredibly scary looking snake looking albino fish. But...you didnt open your mouth. I became disappointed. So I walked round and round the fish tanks again and again, all the while opening my ears, and listening to your usual loud foot steps which you always make when you walk. I opened my ears, trying to catch your voice, to suddenly pull my arm and say, "Darling look at this fish! This monster fish, you sure like right?" Then I would have turned around and say, "ya I hope the fish eats you up!"
But again and again...you didnt. I was dying to show you the luohan next door. But I couldnt open my mouth until you did. It would have been very thick skinned of me to do it. Besides, you were late and the least you can do is to pacify me by mouth and saying some honey coated words. Then I would have relented. But you didnt...
So I walked to the next door where they sold equipnment. I walked around, purposely walking through to the area where they sold lights. I even knew the place was especially narrow, but I walked through it hoping to punish you for not talking to me. Then I purposely stood in front of the shelf where they put fish tanks. Then! You finally strike a conversation with me.
I remember. I know which tank you pointed to me. The tank that is self sustained. But I was....angry. Because you know I cant afford that expensive that. Then I thought by ignoring you again, you would start to ask me, "Darling, why you angry?" Then I would ask, "Why are you late?" Then maybe you could have done some simple explanation to me then I would have relented. But...you didnt. You kept quiet again.
So I walked around more and more. Actually this time I was looking for small pebbles. I didnt want to ask you to help me find because I know you hate shopping around in these dead stuff. I remember you said to me that you dont like seeing these dead stuff. You prefer at least to look at fishes cos they can move. So I didnt buy any of the things and then proceeded straight to the livestock place again.
I purposely looked at the super worms, and stared at the live centipedes. I thought, can le bah, you will start a conversation with me by saying, "Darl, you not afraid of centipedes ah!" Then I would say, "I hope they bite you!" But again...you didnt open your mouth. I was getting really frustrated.
So I walked over to the tubs where the big tortoise are. I stopped there and looked, purposely stop quite long. And...yes, you finally said to me, "A tortoise is dead." Darling, I heard you. I really did. I didnt ignore you like you think I was. I was simply looking at the tortoise and was trying to figure out which tortoise is dead because I saw all the tortoises moving.
But....in the end...you kept quiet again. I was angry now. Upset.
So I walked away. Because I have been lingering there for so long I am afraid the shopkeeper would think I am stupid and not buying things. So I walked away. I am already sick of you not saying a word. I dont know what gotten into me. I suddenly became very angry. Because you suddenly slipped ur arm over my shoulder.
A sudden burst of anger got into me. I want to communicate with you! I want you to talk and pacify me instead of pretending nothing happened! All those things which I planned to show you at the aquarium, I didnt manage to show you! Even the big luohan with the big kok! I wanted to show you but we had to leave before I can do so!
Then...anger just flushed into my head. I became angry. And I just walked and walked and walked. I knew you were behind me because I heard your loud footsteps you made with your slippers. Initially it was loud. Then it became softer. I knew you were angry a bit now. So I waited. I thought if you were angry you will confront me and ask me whats happening. Then I would have said I am angry because you were late.
But..you didnt. So I walked faster and faster. Then suddenly, I heard your footsteps soften. I became worried. Are you still behind me? So I walked slower, trying to hear your footsteps. You asked me where I was going. Actually, I was lost. All I wanted was for you to talk to me and ask me why I am angry and then I would have told you.
So I walked and walked and walked. And I find myself reaching this Yishun fish shop at Blk 618. Honestly I didnt aim to walk there but I was just looking for the MRT station. I wanted to tell you because worms appeared in my dog's kibbles, I have to buy new ones for her. So I needed to take the MRT to somewhere to buy her dog food.
But still....I dunno. Even though you walked behind me. I can feel you...becoming angrier and angrier. And I was also angry. Because you just let me walked on. I was hoping you can be dramatic like those guys in the movie. Grab my arm, swerve me around, look me in the face, and ask me, what the hell is happening.
But....
So we reached Blk 618. I wanted to go there because, firstly, I was in the vincity. Secondly, I was really really thirtsy after walking for so long. I want to look for a place to buy drinks.
Eventually, you still followed me to the fish shop. But by then, I have to apologise to you. I am sorry. Maybe the anger just got into my head and I couldnt think straight. I shouldnt have ignored you for so long. I should have just talked to you. I am sorry.
But...eventually, I wanted to ask you opinion about a plant. But I didnt know how to open my mouth after ignoring you for so long. And I also remember you dont like to linger too long at the fish shop. So I kept walking around the shop aimlessly, looking at things which I am not interested to buy at all. Until, I got myself very frustrated.
Then I...reached my breaking point. I decided to use the last resort. I told you to go home. I didnt look at you. Did you know why? Did you notice the tears in my eyes? I was crying by then. But you didnt know did you?
At the bottom of my heart, I am sorry I had to drag you didnt my fish hobby when I know you are not interested. But I was really really really hoping, you can appreciate it with me so we can enjoy one more thing together.
Did you know why I dont want to go to the movies? Because I feel inferior. In the crowds, I see all the beautiful girls. I feel inferior to them. I feel uncomfortable that I am so fat, cant fit into my clothes and cant dress up nicely. So....I begin to dread going out. But how can I tell you?
Then...you really went home. I thought for sure you would run after me. Ask me what happened. But...you didnt.
Did you know, I was at Khatib station crying for half an hour? I reached home only at 7 plus.
I cried myself to sleep until I woke up at 10 plus. I felt sorry so I called you, hoping maybe to ask for your forgiveness.
But from your tone....
And then finally....you told me all those things. The things I never thought would come from you. I dont know how to react anymore.
Why? Was there fundamentally wrong from the first day we dated? Are you knowingly going to abandon me, for your studies? I really cant understand. I dont. After we have gone so far, you say because studies and me cannot coexist in your life, you want to push me out?
I am hurt beyond words. Never for once I have doubted the bond between us. Until today. My fundamental faith in you....waivered. Crushing...crushing. Why?
I compromised already. I am no longer asking for presents or flowers. I chip in money for petrol. I chip in money to pay your fines when you come over my house and occassionaly get a fine for illegal parking. I didnt ask you to treat me to dinner. In fact I dont even mind giving you a treat at HK cafe. You always say you are poor. You check my bank account. I have only $600 left. I have to fork out money for my dog. I was hoping I can save at least $1000 in case she needs any operation. My income from dog boarding is all for her. Her yearly vaccine and full body checkup are coming soon and costs a hundred bucks. Her kibbles need replacements. It needs $50. Did I complain to you I am poor?
Did you know why I am depressed? Did you ask? My CAP score in uni is 2.5. Do you know that to obtain a minimal lowest third class honours I need a cap of 3.0 minimum. Do you know that without a CAP of 3.0 I cannot even complete my minor in GIS?
Did I complain to you? Did I say, lets break up. I cant balance my studies with a relationship. No. I treasure you. I want to be with you. Even though for the first time in life I am almost losing it because my CAP score is in a disaster. And what did you get for your CA, A, A A+. Me? All you said was in vile that I am intelligend what. Do you know how hurt I am by this kind of insensitive comments? I swallowed it.
Do you know that with such a bad CAP score I cannot even graduate? But did I tell you? No I didnt. Because I know you are vexed with your problems.
You always claim that you have your problems and do not want to tell me because of xxx reasons. Did you think of once, that I have my problems too? And my physical problems. you should know each month I have one of my most worrying thing. Did I tell you?
You dislike my hobby and openly tell me about it. The only thing which can relieve me from my stress and loneliness while waiting for you....and you openly show your distain in it.
Then you say...your studies and I cannot coexist and suggests perhaps we should really split.
What else can I do? What else can I say? What else can I sacrfice and compromise and swallow?
The time now is 5.36am. I spent 2 hours writing this post. I hope you can read every word of it.
I cannot sleep. 1 minute my brain tells me to accept the fact that we might part, but the next minute my heart declines and I cry.
I dedicate the below post to you. In fact, all the posts that I have entered the last few times, is for you. I cant disturb you during your exams I know. So I blog because I know sometimes you would come and read. Then without bothering you, you can read about me at your own time when you are free. But...I would never know when you will come by. So I can only do my part and silently type things here, wishing you would read and understand what I am feeling.
This post, is about today. When after crying for so many hours, I am in one of my rare sober mind and have realised, at least very slightly, that today's situation shouldnt have gone so badly wrong and disastrous.
__________________________________________
I would like to give a full recount of what happened. To give you a full explanation and description of all my body languages today.
And to tell you what happened, and eventually hope to understand why everything progressed the way it did. And even if you have almost want to give up on us, our love, all that we have shared for the past 1 year plus....I hope, that there is still hope. I still hope that you would understand me and I really didnt like you say, flare up like a petty lady. I thought, you still loved me. At least I thought so....until the phone conversation we had just now. Nevertheless.....
__________________________________________
Yes, I remember the happy look you had when you saw me today and my heart registered the genuine happy tone you had when you spoke to me. My heart fluttered when I heard that happy tone finally after such a long time. For that second, I forgot all other things and my heart tells me that I am genuinely happy to see you too.
But why had I become so mad? Apart from all the reasons I had tried to put across, perhaps it was also the fact that deep inside me, I know I was wrong to blame you. I was wrong to make you go there and be with me.
Yes, initially I was very hurt and angry that I cannot understand why you cannot accept my aquarium hobby like I do.
So in my nights of insomnia, in my lonely nights when I can only think of you but cannot look for you...I begin thinking..begin looking for answers in my mind, and trying to recall from my memories of you, why you cant share the this interest that I do.
I remember when I started this guppy hobby. I didnt ask you to join me because I know you wouldnt be interested. For a while, I contemplated giving up the new found interest because I wanted to find a hobby that I can share with you. Since, we have both left the game that have brought us together. There need to be something else that gels us together.
But then shortly, you informed me of your past hobby in luohan keeping. So I was delighted really. I thought we have a common interest again. So I ventured further. I asked you questions about my new hobby which I thought you enjoy too. I looked up the information on luohan and tried to understand the hobby that you once had. Whichever fish shop that I went to, I looked for luohan and try to admire the beauty that you once sought. Did you know that today, at Aquastar, Blk 934, the first thing I looked was not guppies and plants, but I went to look at their display of luohan, thinking how you would react when you see those fishes. I even saw one which had a particularly big kok, and I wanted to show it to you. I thought you would be happy to see something which you like. One of the luohan was priced at $680. I imagined your reaction and I thought how funny it would have been if you were to criticise it and say the money is not worth the fish. Then I would have looked at you and enjoy the serious look on your face when you say that. I dont know anything about luohan. But I was always mesmerised by the way you commented so professionally on these things.
So, while I waited for you to come, I kept imagining us admiring the fishes together, imagining how happy we will be to laugh at the weird fishes on display. I saw a huge display of saltwater fishes. And I remembered that you once kept marine fishes and I kept it at the back of my mind to show you the live coral rock that I saw. The fascianting coral can actually move.
Meanwhile I worried was, would you be bored when you are here, and I had to find ways to make you enjoy this trip. I didnt even look at the guppies. All I thought was you and how to make you enjoy this place so you wouldnt be bored when you reach. There were many ornamental shrimps for sale but I took a quick look by myself because I know you wouldnt be interested, so I told myself, ok, after I finish looking at shrimps then no more.
Then I saw the bettas, took a look and thought, the guy dont like betta. I better dont show him if not he will be bored. And I thought, next time I can bring my sister here to look cos she likes betta. Then I looked at the giant tortoise, I knew when you walk past it you would surely comment on it. So I smiled and thought, I will have to show you them later on.
Because I remember the last time we went to the fish shop at yishun. We quarrelled. I didnt want that to happen again. I know you have much less interest in my new found aquarium hobby but I thought you might at least be interested in looking at fascinating fishes. And at the back of my mind, I reminded myself to keep this "sight seeing" short, so I would not bore you.
I was even thinking, the place is close to Northpoint, we can catch a movie later and have a nice dinner after such a long time. The thought made me happy and I forgot that I had to scold you have being late.
I thought, well, once you reach, you would say you are terribly sorry, that you know you were wrong, you would make up to me by saying you miss me after so long. Perhaps you would compromise for once and ask me if I have seen any nice fishes here, or you might ask me did the guy at the house who sold me the rocks bully me...then I would have replied you, well not really, I got the rocks at a bargain and ahh...I would say, I saw some really big luohans, one of them has a really large kok, I would like to show it to you. This was what I thought would happen.
And so I waited and waited...and still no news of you. I was getting a bit annoyed and bored from looking at the same old fishes. I kept turning around and hoping to suddenly see you. After walking and looking at the same fishes for the 3rd time, you finally reached.
I remember the look on your face. You looked happy, but your face looks haggard. I was happy to see you but I was worried because you look stressed. But I was also secretly laughing at the white shirt you wore because I wanted to say it makes your face looks pale. But I was also happy. Because I was thinking maybe you wore the white shirt because you know I like you to wear white crisp tshirt. And I was wearing a black shirt that time because I know you like black, and I was thinking black shirt can make me look slimmer so you wont keep laughing that my stomach is fat.
Then I saw the bottle of ice lemon tea in your hands, and I was pouting inside me, thinking, where is mine? Then I heard your chirpy tone of yours saying you are happy to see me! And I suddenly felt very happy too because the sight of you makes me want to smile too and I have so much to show you in the fish shop, especially the big luohan. I am sure you would take your time to criticise the luohan and tell me how good yours was in the past.
Then I looked away from you, trying to act angry so that you would sense my displeasure for making me wait so long and you will say, "Darling, I am very sorry I am so late lah..Btw how was the rocks that you bought? Did the guy bully you? Did he give you sub quality rocks?"
Then I would have replied, "Aiyah, why are you late! Later I get molested by the guy how? Maybe the guy also jikopek and I kena cheated. Wish you were there to help me." But I would be smiling while jesting, because I just wanted to flirt with you went into hibernation for exams after so long. I want you to sayang me after I waited half an hour for you and was darn scared about going alone to a stranger's house.
Then you would have replied, "Darl, I already told you that I am sorry. It was the darn bus which didnt come! You know the stupid SBS buses. Remember! The last time I wanted to meet you at Bugis, you were late by so long because the bus didnt come! And you were so angry! But I still forgive you in the end right? So you should forgive me also."
I was standing just in front of the normal corydora fish tank at the time, I remember, really waiting for you to say the above things. But you didnt, and merely said to me, "Sorry, I couldnt find the place."
I felt disappointed. I thought a sorry should be more sincere and since I am a girl and you are my bf, you should have pacified me abit more. But...never mind. I didnt say a word. So I turned my back, stared at the fish in the tank, hoping you can read my sign language and then start to try to pacify me or at least look at the same fish in the tank at me and start to comment on the fish so we have a common topic.
But suddenly you showed me your half drunk ice lemon tea and asked me, "You wanna drink?"
I was like..err...you drank halfway already. Then why ask me drink your half drank ice lemon tea which probably is not cold anymore and have a huge amount of saliva in it.
I was a bit disappointed now. So I said softly, not angrily, "No thanks."
Then, I forgot if it was me who handed you the bag of rocks or you offered to carry it for me. But you helped me with the bag.
So after that, I thought you would definitely peep into the bag. So I peeped at you from the corner of my eyes and bingo, I saw you open the bag and take a look inside. So I thought. Ok, right now you are going to ask me the if the guy who sold me the rocks got bully me or not, then I can start to sa jiao to you.
But, lo and behold, you simply kept quiet. I was confused and slightly angry now. So I continued to walk forward, waiting for you to open your mouth. I purposely walked past the marine fishes twice, to see if you would start a topic with me on that. But...again you kept quiet. So I walked and walked and walked....and you still kept quiet.
I was upset more and more and more. I am wondering, what happened? Why havent you opened your mouth? I was dying inside me to show you the incredibly scary looking snake looking albino fish. But...you didnt open your mouth. I became disappointed. So I walked round and round the fish tanks again and again, all the while opening my ears, and listening to your usual loud foot steps which you always make when you walk. I opened my ears, trying to catch your voice, to suddenly pull my arm and say, "Darling look at this fish! This monster fish, you sure like right?" Then I would have turned around and say, "ya I hope the fish eats you up!"
But again and again...you didnt. I was dying to show you the luohan next door. But I couldnt open my mouth until you did. It would have been very thick skinned of me to do it. Besides, you were late and the least you can do is to pacify me by mouth and saying some honey coated words. Then I would have relented. But you didnt...
So I walked to the next door where they sold equipnment. I walked around, purposely walking through to the area where they sold lights. I even knew the place was especially narrow, but I walked through it hoping to punish you for not talking to me. Then I purposely stood in front of the shelf where they put fish tanks. Then! You finally strike a conversation with me.
I remember. I know which tank you pointed to me. The tank that is self sustained. But I was....angry. Because you know I cant afford that expensive that. Then I thought by ignoring you again, you would start to ask me, "Darling, why you angry?" Then I would ask, "Why are you late?" Then maybe you could have done some simple explanation to me then I would have relented. But...you didnt. You kept quiet again.
So I walked around more and more. Actually this time I was looking for small pebbles. I didnt want to ask you to help me find because I know you hate shopping around in these dead stuff. I remember you said to me that you dont like seeing these dead stuff. You prefer at least to look at fishes cos they can move. So I didnt buy any of the things and then proceeded straight to the livestock place again.
I purposely looked at the super worms, and stared at the live centipedes. I thought, can le bah, you will start a conversation with me by saying, "Darl, you not afraid of centipedes ah!" Then I would say, "I hope they bite you!" But again...you didnt open your mouth. I was getting really frustrated.
So I walked over to the tubs where the big tortoise are. I stopped there and looked, purposely stop quite long. And...yes, you finally said to me, "A tortoise is dead." Darling, I heard you. I really did. I didnt ignore you like you think I was. I was simply looking at the tortoise and was trying to figure out which tortoise is dead because I saw all the tortoises moving.
But....in the end...you kept quiet again. I was angry now. Upset.
So I walked away. Because I have been lingering there for so long I am afraid the shopkeeper would think I am stupid and not buying things. So I walked away. I am already sick of you not saying a word. I dont know what gotten into me. I suddenly became very angry. Because you suddenly slipped ur arm over my shoulder.
A sudden burst of anger got into me. I want to communicate with you! I want you to talk and pacify me instead of pretending nothing happened! All those things which I planned to show you at the aquarium, I didnt manage to show you! Even the big luohan with the big kok! I wanted to show you but we had to leave before I can do so!
Then...anger just flushed into my head. I became angry. And I just walked and walked and walked. I knew you were behind me because I heard your loud footsteps you made with your slippers. Initially it was loud. Then it became softer. I knew you were angry a bit now. So I waited. I thought if you were angry you will confront me and ask me whats happening. Then I would have said I am angry because you were late.
But..you didnt. So I walked faster and faster. Then suddenly, I heard your footsteps soften. I became worried. Are you still behind me? So I walked slower, trying to hear your footsteps. You asked me where I was going. Actually, I was lost. All I wanted was for you to talk to me and ask me why I am angry and then I would have told you.
So I walked and walked and walked. And I find myself reaching this Yishun fish shop at Blk 618. Honestly I didnt aim to walk there but I was just looking for the MRT station. I wanted to tell you because worms appeared in my dog's kibbles, I have to buy new ones for her. So I needed to take the MRT to somewhere to buy her dog food.
But still....I dunno. Even though you walked behind me. I can feel you...becoming angrier and angrier. And I was also angry. Because you just let me walked on. I was hoping you can be dramatic like those guys in the movie. Grab my arm, swerve me around, look me in the face, and ask me, what the hell is happening.
But....
So we reached Blk 618. I wanted to go there because, firstly, I was in the vincity. Secondly, I was really really thirtsy after walking for so long. I want to look for a place to buy drinks.
Eventually, you still followed me to the fish shop. But by then, I have to apologise to you. I am sorry. Maybe the anger just got into my head and I couldnt think straight. I shouldnt have ignored you for so long. I should have just talked to you. I am sorry.
But...eventually, I wanted to ask you opinion about a plant. But I didnt know how to open my mouth after ignoring you for so long. And I also remember you dont like to linger too long at the fish shop. So I kept walking around the shop aimlessly, looking at things which I am not interested to buy at all. Until, I got myself very frustrated.
Then I...reached my breaking point. I decided to use the last resort. I told you to go home. I didnt look at you. Did you know why? Did you notice the tears in my eyes? I was crying by then. But you didnt know did you?
At the bottom of my heart, I am sorry I had to drag you didnt my fish hobby when I know you are not interested. But I was really really really hoping, you can appreciate it with me so we can enjoy one more thing together.
Did you know why I dont want to go to the movies? Because I feel inferior. In the crowds, I see all the beautiful girls. I feel inferior to them. I feel uncomfortable that I am so fat, cant fit into my clothes and cant dress up nicely. So....I begin to dread going out. But how can I tell you?
Then...you really went home. I thought for sure you would run after me. Ask me what happened. But...you didnt.
Did you know, I was at Khatib station crying for half an hour? I reached home only at 7 plus.
I cried myself to sleep until I woke up at 10 plus. I felt sorry so I called you, hoping maybe to ask for your forgiveness.
But from your tone....
And then finally....you told me all those things. The things I never thought would come from you. I dont know how to react anymore.
Why? Was there fundamentally wrong from the first day we dated? Are you knowingly going to abandon me, for your studies? I really cant understand. I dont. After we have gone so far, you say because studies and me cannot coexist in your life, you want to push me out?
I am hurt beyond words. Never for once I have doubted the bond between us. Until today. My fundamental faith in you....waivered. Crushing...crushing. Why?
I compromised already. I am no longer asking for presents or flowers. I chip in money for petrol. I chip in money to pay your fines when you come over my house and occassionaly get a fine for illegal parking. I didnt ask you to treat me to dinner. In fact I dont even mind giving you a treat at HK cafe. You always say you are poor. You check my bank account. I have only $600 left. I have to fork out money for my dog. I was hoping I can save at least $1000 in case she needs any operation. My income from dog boarding is all for her. Her yearly vaccine and full body checkup are coming soon and costs a hundred bucks. Her kibbles need replacements. It needs $50. Did I complain to you I am poor?
Did you know why I am depressed? Did you ask? My CAP score in uni is 2.5. Do you know that to obtain a minimal lowest third class honours I need a cap of 3.0 minimum. Do you know that without a CAP of 3.0 I cannot even complete my minor in GIS?
Did I complain to you? Did I say, lets break up. I cant balance my studies with a relationship. No. I treasure you. I want to be with you. Even though for the first time in life I am almost losing it because my CAP score is in a disaster. And what did you get for your CA, A, A A+. Me? All you said was in vile that I am intelligend what. Do you know how hurt I am by this kind of insensitive comments? I swallowed it.
Do you know that with such a bad CAP score I cannot even graduate? But did I tell you? No I didnt. Because I know you are vexed with your problems.
You always claim that you have your problems and do not want to tell me because of xxx reasons. Did you think of once, that I have my problems too? And my physical problems. you should know each month I have one of my most worrying thing. Did I tell you?
You dislike my hobby and openly tell me about it. The only thing which can relieve me from my stress and loneliness while waiting for you....and you openly show your distain in it.
Then you say...your studies and I cannot coexist and suggests perhaps we should really split.
What else can I do? What else can I say? What else can I sacrfice and compromise and swallow?
The time now is 5.36am. I spent 2 hours writing this post. I hope you can read every word of it.
The start of the end
A few things came to light today, including many feelings that were concealed or put aside at first.
When I stop crying, I am suddenly reminded of the vast amount of similarity when I ended a relationship 3 years ago. I never expect the same to surface again. I find myself faced with the same attitude, the same words, the same replies and I find myself with the same urge, the same actions, the same hurt.
Is the ending going to be the same? Are they all going to be the same? Same excuses for one reason....? Am I going to do the same things again?
I am taken aback. The same questions I asked, the same silent replies I receive....do they mean the same result? Am I to expect the same result? Why are both of you the same eventually? I thought you were different.
The same kind of constrictions in my heart. The same sinking feeling that it is the dreaded start of the end.
Despite knowing it...I still cant help but cry every few minutes. Because deep in my heart, I still hope you are not like the others.
Please...change it..if you still love me.
As I listen to Mariage D'Amour on fumin's blog, the tears just come again. This is the reason why I do not listen to music. They make me drown in my feelings. They remind me of how lonely I am. I thought I wouldnt be a slave of feelings anymore. But...I find myself a repetition of what I was and what I did.
When I stop crying, I am suddenly reminded of the vast amount of similarity when I ended a relationship 3 years ago. I never expect the same to surface again. I find myself faced with the same attitude, the same words, the same replies and I find myself with the same urge, the same actions, the same hurt.
Is the ending going to be the same? Are they all going to be the same? Same excuses for one reason....? Am I going to do the same things again?
I am taken aback. The same questions I asked, the same silent replies I receive....do they mean the same result? Am I to expect the same result? Why are both of you the same eventually? I thought you were different.
The same kind of constrictions in my heart. The same sinking feeling that it is the dreaded start of the end.
Despite knowing it...I still cant help but cry every few minutes. Because deep in my heart, I still hope you are not like the others.
Please...change it..if you still love me.
As I listen to Mariage D'Amour on fumin's blog, the tears just come again. This is the reason why I do not listen to music. They make me drown in my feelings. They remind me of how lonely I am. I thought I wouldnt be a slave of feelings anymore. But...I find myself a repetition of what I was and what I did.
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
A sleepless night
It is another night of insomnia for me. As I switched on my laptop to type this post, my dog jumped down from my bed and into my lap suddenly. She licked my hand and leaned on my arm. I'm typing with one hand now.....but....Thank you for being with me....
Not much mood to blog also. My plants are not doing well. So am I.
Not in the mood to do much things. Perhaps just a little attention left to do some window shopping at fish shops....
Head hurts.
I cant sleep. How? There is nothing on Starhub cable. I went to take a look at my book shelf and nothing interests me. I try to load up Desperate Housewives season 3 but the files on my hard disk seem to be corrupted. Then I tried to load the DVD-R which I saved my video files on...but the drive cannot detect any disc. The drive cant read the remaining of the DVD-Rs too. I feel like my heart is bursting.
Is it true that when one feels depressed, his luck goes down the drain too?
Not much mood to blog also. My plants are not doing well. So am I.
Not in the mood to do much things. Perhaps just a little attention left to do some window shopping at fish shops....
Head hurts.
I cant sleep. How? There is nothing on Starhub cable. I went to take a look at my book shelf and nothing interests me. I try to load up Desperate Housewives season 3 but the files on my hard disk seem to be corrupted. Then I tried to load the DVD-R which I saved my video files on...but the drive cannot detect any disc. The drive cant read the remaining of the DVD-Rs too. I feel like my heart is bursting.
Is it true that when one feels depressed, his luck goes down the drain too?
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
Post Exams II
Today is his last paper. I thought he is going to be relieved and would find some time to catch up with me. But...instead, he showed his attitude and didnt contact me after his first sms that he left paper blank and would fail.
I feel very...taken aback. Am I getting blamed that he "might" fail his exams? Is that sms supposed to vent his anger on me and trying to make me "suffer" for his potential failure of exams?
How am I supposed to react? Swallow it? Pretend it is nothing...oh ya.. it is ok. I can take it. Vent on me when things are not smooth in your life. Ignore me when you have more important things to do...Reply me as and when you like....can throw me aside when you dont feel like it.
Thanks for making my day. After I spent 2 weeks waiting for your exams to end, hoping that things would lighten up for you and my days would be easier to get by.
I feel very...taken aback. Am I getting blamed that he "might" fail his exams? Is that sms supposed to vent his anger on me and trying to make me "suffer" for his potential failure of exams?
How am I supposed to react? Swallow it? Pretend it is nothing...oh ya.. it is ok. I can take it. Vent on me when things are not smooth in your life. Ignore me when you have more important things to do...Reply me as and when you like....can throw me aside when you dont feel like it.
Thanks for making my day. After I spent 2 weeks waiting for your exams to end, hoping that things would lighten up for you and my days would be easier to get by.
After Exams Now
A bit sad. Post exams joy has not kicked in yet.
Wish I can have some fun during this holidays. But...the person who should matter is not making any effort. Despondent...
Honestly I really really cannot understand the logic behind being ignored completely during exam period. Is that an excuse? I cant comprehend the vast amount of difficulty in picking up a convenient communication aid and speaking to or texting someone. You have to study 24 hours a day for every single minute such that you cant even spare 1 minute to show concern for someone?
Bet you wouldnt say to joking or chatting around with others on MSN.
Makes me very upset just to think about the scene. You sitting in front of your desktop, holding a book but frequently chatting with the annoynomous on the screen.
Crap.
I have trouble in sleeping at night. Does anyone know how terrible insomnia feels? Btw, it is now 4.53am when I am typing this sentence.
Time is spent on burying myself in a lonely hobby of fishkeeping. Even after acomplishing the setup of one tank, what joy is there if there is nobody to share it with? What point is there if nobody is ever there to appreciate? The person who should be making my life special....is absent.
I probably should head back for my independant life. So that I wouldnt bore people up with what they call expectations that cant be met. If there is no one in that place, there wouldnt be expectations linked to that role. Then we can all be free to do whatever we like without anyone nagging by the ear.
Ya there is indeed a lot of things to be done. I plan my two christmas parties, one for sec sch frens one for jc clique. Wondering if I should combine..
Then I need to go pick out some new Christmas decorations and probably get some beautiful mugs at Diaso...miss shopping there.
Then I need to wait for the arrival of my moss and start setting up my shrimp and planted tank. A bit excited but quite sad also cos I have to do it alone and there is no one there to share the excitment.
Then I need to continue to tidy up the other part of my room, mainly where all the 5 book shelves are.
Then, I want to head down to Kinokuniya to see if there are any new arrivals worth reading =)
If there are no books worth reading then I will go dig out my cross stitch to do. There was a scenary of spring day which I have been stitching halfway since last last year..
Another thing...I need to find some small but nice rocks for my tank, so I may need to visit some local fish shops. Again alone. Getting used to it already. Beg people might as well beg myself.
Then, I have to deposit some money into my bank account. Been delaying it for so long.
At the same time, I have to get my glasses repaired. My old ones which I am wearing temporarily since I stepped and crushed my new glasses, are causing me a headache. And I have no money for new contact lenses.
Oh ya...feel like heading down to Watsons and pick out a nice hair conditioner. My hair has been a mess since the last weeks of the semester. All the datelines make it impossible for me to upkeep it.
Then I will have to pick a day to watch a movie and enjoy a jumbo hotdog. I miss eating it. And the Famous Amos cookies too. Perhaps I should bring my sister along too as a treat so I wont look too dumb watching a movie alone.
Ahhh....and I want to plan a day for another family outing to ECP.
Lastly, I would like very much to continue writing my old novel, even though my thumbdrive is still spoilt. I will have to patch things up from my hazy memory. Grace, dont hate me! Wish me luck.
Thats all for now. And I am picturing only myself in all those activities. Yawn...dawn is coming soon. Should probably try to sleep. If I see the morning light coming I will definitely not be able to fall asleep at all. So long..
Wish I can have some fun during this holidays. But...the person who should matter is not making any effort. Despondent...
Honestly I really really cannot understand the logic behind being ignored completely during exam period. Is that an excuse? I cant comprehend the vast amount of difficulty in picking up a convenient communication aid and speaking to or texting someone. You have to study 24 hours a day for every single minute such that you cant even spare 1 minute to show concern for someone?
Bet you wouldnt say to joking or chatting around with others on MSN.
Makes me very upset just to think about the scene. You sitting in front of your desktop, holding a book but frequently chatting with the annoynomous on the screen.
Crap.
I have trouble in sleeping at night. Does anyone know how terrible insomnia feels? Btw, it is now 4.53am when I am typing this sentence.
Time is spent on burying myself in a lonely hobby of fishkeeping. Even after acomplishing the setup of one tank, what joy is there if there is nobody to share it with? What point is there if nobody is ever there to appreciate? The person who should be making my life special....is absent.
I probably should head back for my independant life. So that I wouldnt bore people up with what they call expectations that cant be met. If there is no one in that place, there wouldnt be expectations linked to that role. Then we can all be free to do whatever we like without anyone nagging by the ear.
Ya there is indeed a lot of things to be done. I plan my two christmas parties, one for sec sch frens one for jc clique. Wondering if I should combine..
Then I need to go pick out some new Christmas decorations and probably get some beautiful mugs at Diaso...miss shopping there.
Then I need to wait for the arrival of my moss and start setting up my shrimp and planted tank. A bit excited but quite sad also cos I have to do it alone and there is no one there to share the excitment.
Then I need to continue to tidy up the other part of my room, mainly where all the 5 book shelves are.
Then, I want to head down to Kinokuniya to see if there are any new arrivals worth reading =)
If there are no books worth reading then I will go dig out my cross stitch to do. There was a scenary of spring day which I have been stitching halfway since last last year..
Another thing...I need to find some small but nice rocks for my tank, so I may need to visit some local fish shops. Again alone. Getting used to it already. Beg people might as well beg myself.
Then, I have to deposit some money into my bank account. Been delaying it for so long.
At the same time, I have to get my glasses repaired. My old ones which I am wearing temporarily since I stepped and crushed my new glasses, are causing me a headache. And I have no money for new contact lenses.
Oh ya...feel like heading down to Watsons and pick out a nice hair conditioner. My hair has been a mess since the last weeks of the semester. All the datelines make it impossible for me to upkeep it.
Then I will have to pick a day to watch a movie and enjoy a jumbo hotdog. I miss eating it. And the Famous Amos cookies too. Perhaps I should bring my sister along too as a treat so I wont look too dumb watching a movie alone.
Ahhh....and I want to plan a day for another family outing to ECP.
Lastly, I would like very much to continue writing my old novel, even though my thumbdrive is still spoilt. I will have to patch things up from my hazy memory. Grace, dont hate me! Wish me luck.
Thats all for now. And I am picturing only myself in all those activities. Yawn...dawn is coming soon. Should probably try to sleep. If I see the morning light coming I will definitely not be able to fall asleep at all. So long..
Sunday, November 30, 2008
This is going to be a normal post dictating my life as it is now.
(dictating as in say aloud, or read out in that manner...and not as in Hitler that kind of dictator)
It all started when I was clearing my table top. I was shuffling and filing my notes on Introduction to World Religion when I simply felt a slight discomfort in putting them away. I have not touched on them for as much as I thought I should have. And now, they are going to be put away for a zillion years until one day I clear my room and decide they should go down the rubbish chute. Face it. Will you exactly take out dusty notes and refer to the facts on them after you have put them away?
So, I kind of couldnt bear to put them away.
My final paper for this module was last Thrusday, and now I am not going to see the notes anymore. I should have spent more time on them shouldnt I? But time has lapsed so fast! I cant believe this semester is coming to an end already. It shall officially be over when I take my last paper tomorrow on Remote Sensing and Earth Observation. Then for hell I dont know when would be the next time I talk about processing satellite images.
It is all happeneing too quickly. When time passes so soon, do we learn anything? Is this the true function of university? Stuff everything into our head in the shortest time available and then issue us COMPUTER PRINTED certs. Gawd, the certificate which we spent thousands on even has a template somewhere on a hard disk. We are template-made in accordance to the stupid, narrow society that the obnoxious people in the garment created in pursuit of their own thought up glory and success. We are small tiny soldier ants (if we are lucky) working in slavery for the queen ant, in return for food and rented apartment and a security system which wouldnt work if there were no worker ants like us.
Ok, this is supposed to be a normal post not a post ranting about cocked up politics in Singapore. Anyway, I am just fedup that SMRT is charging me $1 for a simple trip. Up from 60cents to 70cents to 90cents then $1. Heck. And the stupid SALTY laksa that the china man is cooking in the stall "Authentic Local Delights". PUI. And even the guy who is delivering our kitchen gas is a china man! Am I living in CHINA???!!! And hecks the guy who puts up his legs in the MRT train seats and the woman talking louding in her hp on the bus are all PRCs!! Am I dreaming or what??!! HEY GARMENT!! THESE ARE THE FOREIGN TALENTS HUH?
These people are eroding our culture our life and are slowing degrading our image now! Is this what we have exchanged for? Is this the price of the "development" we are seeking? What kind of development? Developing towards economic success? When there is a crisis now? And no graduates have ever felft worse about their jobs prospects? Our blue collared parents are worried nuts over their jobs bcos the chinaman are snatching them away. Then, we, whom they have worked so hard to put us to university, striving to be white collared workers, are worrying our ass off over the potential jobs that we may never hold because crazy countries like China are messing up the economic equlibirum with their literally neck-breaking speed. Government, open up your eyes and see what we have exchanged our lives and cultures for.
Ok whatever. Back to my tabletop.
I tidied it up alot and even used a spray to clean the desk. I am amazed how black the rag was when I wiped my table. For people who know me, well, you know a clean and tidy table top is not what I would put in my personality profile. Whoever made up the idea that Vigros are clean and neat freaks, is a freak himself.
Here's a pic of how my table top looks like now:
Quite clean isnt it?
And while I was breaking my back cleaning my table top, here's my dog taking her routine afternoon snooze on my bed. Somehow dogs always have this mentality that the beds of owners are more comfortable than their $50 dog beds:
And it was her first bday last Thursday. Zuzong was super nice to treat her to a can of Cesar.
Here is another pic of my table top. This is the right end of my L shaped built in cabinet plus study table top.
It's all the ugly wires and dont ask me why I have a laptop and desktop side by side. Haha.
I have already cleared up a large amount of table top ornaments if not you would be seeing a lot more. Anyways, I found the christmas card Fumin gave me last christmas. It is the purple one that is peeking out from the top right hand corner of my laptop screen.
I'm quite excited that this Christmas I would be giving out more cards too. It's a tradition for me to give out cards to people who matter. Christmas is a time to feel loved and remembered. I have some cards to give to friends in secondary school too. The important ones who have accompanied me during the most wonderful time in my teenage life. I always thought that life in River Valley is the best school life I have had so far.
I feel like I am in Thanksgiving mood now.
Though absolutely no one I know celebrate Thanksgiving in Singapore. And, perhaps the Singaporean Christians would but no offence, I...cant really accept their teachings or rather, their ways of teachings. When I feel scared, surprisingly, the image of Buddha is the one that made me return to senses.
Anyway, NO TALKING ABOUT RELIGION! Back to the topic of remembering friends.
JC life wasnt that bad anyway.
A whole bunch of crazy kids, and I went out with Fumin last Thrusday after our papers. I dragged her to this local fish shop in Clementi that I frequent and she said all the fishes are scary, hahaha.
We didnt see any mollies that time and mollies are the one kind of fishes that I think can fulfill ah min's requirements of cute small round fishes. Those that you google are the American/Eurpoean mollies. They arent cute. The local Asian ones are much better looking. But too bad I couldnt convince ah min to start a hobby of keeping aquarium tanks. Haiz...Sad, it would be nice to have a friend with the same hobby! Even Eugene is not interested -.-
Anyway, although I am feeling sad that the semester is ending soon, I am also excited that tomorrow is the last paper I have for the term because after that I can officially spend time on my hobby!
Anyway, although I am feeling sad that the semester is ending soon, I am also excited that tomorrow is the last paper I have for the term because after that I can officially spend time on my hobby!
Remember the planted tank I had? I think I am obsessed with aquascaping. Anyway, here is an update of pics of my tank!
The one with the round shell, yes, dont freak out, is a freshwater snail. It is a Bumble bee snail named due to its colour and pattern of the shell. I bought 2 of them actually. But the darned aquarium boy picked a dead 1 for me. So I am left with one. The snails dont eat leaves, they eat algae, just like the Otto fish (the one that is looking in front and has a frog like face). Cute isnt it? The one between the snail and the Otto is a Bumblebee fish. I bought it cos, it looks cute.
The one on the right hand side, one and blurred out, is an Albino corydora. It sucks. It keeps digging out my soil and causing a mess in the water. I have since transferred it to my mum's tanks of African fish.
More pics of my tank. Not exactly best quality pics cos I am only using a normal digital camera.
Shant bore you all any longer. The next project I have, will be another planted tank, this time, with freshwater ornamental shrimps!! The shrimps are not the kind of market prawns you see. The shrimps we keep in aquarium tanks are small, cute and colourful.
Next time, when I finish my second setup, I will post more pics again! =)
Happy! Tomorrow is last paper and it is an open book test! After that I can go shopping for my new planted tank setup!
Friday, November 21, 2008
Problematic Student
I feel like a dumb ass.
First: I remembered the wrong date for my final exam!! Luckily I was reminded the last night before. And I sat for the paper.
Second: I missed the submission dateline of a project. I was not reminded. I lost 12 marks.
Arse.
First: I remembered the wrong date for my final exam!! Luckily I was reminded the last night before. And I sat for the paper.
Second: I missed the submission dateline of a project. I was not reminded. I lost 12 marks.
Arse.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Monday, November 10, 2008
Extension of my aquarium hobby
Well many of you know I own a dog. Some of you know I rear guppies. But i bet none of you know now I have expanded my hobby to include planted aquarium tanks.
I got poisoned by this aquatic forum that I joined. So with the immense help of someone special, I set up this tank! Cost about $60 to setup =/
BUT I hope our efforts will pay off eventually =)
Friday, November 07, 2008
I am here again today, because I have ran out of things to do to relieve my boredom.
Just would like to say...I am very sick of hounding on my bf. He may be sick of it too and so do I. I just really do not understand why he can laugh so happily when I am plain down and bored. Every" "lol" I see makes me feel just worse. When he is having fun and company outside, why cant he think about me too?
I would only like to include that my life is quite miserable now. Besides the disappointing university life I am leading, my hobbies also do not perk me up. I am sad to say that perhaps I am really a no life person. All I want to do now..is for my bf to accompany me to look at fishes in the local fish shops..But he is too busy. Too busy to spare time for me. And I am sick of asking for his time...I even have to sms him to tell him to sms me. How much more pathetic can my life get? Does he even know or understand that I cry everyday?
Just would like to say...I am very sick of hounding on my bf. He may be sick of it too and so do I. I just really do not understand why he can laugh so happily when I am plain down and bored. Every" "lol" I see makes me feel just worse. When he is having fun and company outside, why cant he think about me too?
I would only like to include that my life is quite miserable now. Besides the disappointing university life I am leading, my hobbies also do not perk me up. I am sad to say that perhaps I am really a no life person. All I want to do now..is for my bf to accompany me to look at fishes in the local fish shops..But he is too busy. Too busy to spare time for me. And I am sick of asking for his time...I even have to sms him to tell him to sms me. How much more pathetic can my life get? Does he even know or understand that I cry everyday?
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Time As Slow As a Snail
I'm suffering from a nervous breakdown on an average of once a day.
And ever since secondary school when my 2yrs form teacher 陈老师 pointed out to me, I realise the fact that whenever I am tensed or nervous or stressed, I would be having diarrhea.
And my diarrhea has been getting from bad to worse. These 2 days, I have to run to the toilet 6 times a day.
My head hurts and I feel very nauseated. I feel like my head is exploding and my heart is bursting from pumping too hard.
Symptoms of a sroke, heart attack, nervous breakdown, panic anxiety?
And ever since secondary school when my 2yrs form teacher 陈老师 pointed out to me, I realise the fact that whenever I am tensed or nervous or stressed, I would be having diarrhea.
And my diarrhea has been getting from bad to worse. These 2 days, I have to run to the toilet 6 times a day.
My head hurts and I feel very nauseated. I feel like my head is exploding and my heart is bursting from pumping too hard.
Symptoms of a sroke, heart attack, nervous breakdown, panic anxiety?
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Another depressing and stressful day
Come back home with 2 more reports due this week. Stretched till almost breaking.
Then the only female guppy I got out of the competition died. Had to confide in someone if not I will burst apart from inside.
Tried to find eugene only to find out that he is too pissed off to talk to me.
Feel really really upset. After a long hard day, just need you to chat with me, help me out with what you can help me out with. Fine, I'm bothering u. Your last words keep lingering in my ears. Even before u hang up on me I have to keep back my tears.
I really dunno what to say now. Cant even be there when I need u. Waited for you from 12pm till now yet we cant even have a conversation. What am I waiting for?
I am trying to climb up from somewhere down, I reach up to you, asking you to give me a hand. You didnt and even pushed me back down. You know how it feels?
Then the only female guppy I got out of the competition died. Had to confide in someone if not I will burst apart from inside.
Tried to find eugene only to find out that he is too pissed off to talk to me.
Feel really really upset. After a long hard day, just need you to chat with me, help me out with what you can help me out with. Fine, I'm bothering u. Your last words keep lingering in my ears. Even before u hang up on me I have to keep back my tears.
I really dunno what to say now. Cant even be there when I need u. Waited for you from 12pm till now yet we cant even have a conversation. What am I waiting for?
I am trying to climb up from somewhere down, I reach up to you, asking you to give me a hand. You didnt and even pushed me back down. You know how it feels?
Monday, October 20, 2008
Very depressed over work
Things are bad
I wonder if it is just my bad skills in essay writing.
Haiz sian...
My group mates ask me to be the editor for the first essay assignment for the law management module. But, end up when they submit the essay, they didnt submit the essay which I edited. They re-edited everything and added back all their own paragraphs to submit.
Worse for me, when we get back the essay, the essay got A. Although I wrote the intro and conclusion and they didnt change it..I couldnt help being offended.
Yet the thing is, my essay for religion, I only got B-. Last sem my essay for history i also got B.
I am like...starting to feel very very depressed... Whether is it my own bad skills in essay writing or what..
If it is my own skills that are bad, what should i do? Feel like crying...
And those people in my group are meant to be my friends. I feel a bit depressed that as a friend, they didnt even bother to tell me whats wrong. Are they too polite or something? Or secretly in their hearts they think I am a really bad essay writer, a bd group mate and they dont dare to mock me in the open?
Very disheartening...
What can I do? I feel totally not confident of my work anymore. The attraction of writing no longer appeals. No matter how hard I write, I score bad. Does it mean I have to write badly, or write without a heart, or write without creativity or write a super dull essay in order to score A+++?
Really feel very crappish now.
I wonder if it is just my bad skills in essay writing.
Haiz sian...
My group mates ask me to be the editor for the first essay assignment for the law management module. But, end up when they submit the essay, they didnt submit the essay which I edited. They re-edited everything and added back all their own paragraphs to submit.
Worse for me, when we get back the essay, the essay got A. Although I wrote the intro and conclusion and they didnt change it..I couldnt help being offended.
Yet the thing is, my essay for religion, I only got B-. Last sem my essay for history i also got B.
I am like...starting to feel very very depressed... Whether is it my own bad skills in essay writing or what..
If it is my own skills that are bad, what should i do? Feel like crying...
And those people in my group are meant to be my friends. I feel a bit depressed that as a friend, they didnt even bother to tell me whats wrong. Are they too polite or something? Or secretly in their hearts they think I am a really bad essay writer, a bd group mate and they dont dare to mock me in the open?
Very disheartening...
What can I do? I feel totally not confident of my work anymore. The attraction of writing no longer appeals. No matter how hard I write, I score bad. Does it mean I have to write badly, or write without a heart, or write without creativity or write a super dull essay in order to score A+++?
Really feel very crappish now.
Friday, October 17, 2008
A Thank You Consolitude Post
Prelude: You are not going to find the meaning of consolitude somewhere formal. It just came to my mind. Recently I'm very very vexed. And I keep getting bouts of giddiness which someone says might be a symptom of early stroke.
Anyway, the purpose of this post is to express gratitude to Eugene. I owe him this post and he has been "reminding" me of it. Though, it is just that I am feeling vexed and things have not been progessing smoothly. I will explain further in the second part of my post.
I thank you, Eugene, the duck. For hmm....all that you have done. Including being my chauffeur when I need it. And including times when I have my whims and you are still tolerant and being by my side.
Thanks especially for bringing me to the guppy competition, so that I might be able to "persuade" a fellow member to give me a pair of doublesword tails. Though, another free pair of full red ribbon guppy died overnight. On your advice to put them into new water onto the same day. Ok, I'm not blaming you. I am just grieving over the death of them.
And, on that same day, I have to thank you for driving me to Towner Rd to buy that second hand 3 tier rack. It was a real steal dont you think so? For $20. Though I have to reimburse you petrol..
But well, thanks for chauffeuring me around and spending one fruitful day with me. It is really rare.
But happiness on me wears very thin easily. There is like a black hole in me. Or a dark
bottomless pit which sucks all happy things from me. Leaving me void but of vexing things.
There are a lot of datelines to be met. Datelines which people kep pushing me for but I cannot met them. It is just...very vexing. And my friends in school, well, you know, in uni everybody is only into tenporary partnership. I wonder where all the cliched stories of fun and vibrancy of universities come from. All made up. In real life uni life is a streak of fast and blurring grey.
At times like this, I am reminded of my friends in secondary school and in JC. And well, of cos Eugene. But he is as busy as ever now that he is in SIM.
Anw, about linda, mh, xl, sabrina, isabel n kaiqi from sec school. I feel warmth and cosiness when I think of them. Esp linda, mh and xl, though they may not be reading my blog, I still feel grateful to them. Though all of us are in different ways now, but I appreciate all our meetups and the kind of closeness I cannot find in my uni friends. I dunno why, but when I dream of my ideal house in the future, I would also visualise about a small victorian style white metal round table with matching chairs, and 4 of us sitting around it, drinking tea out of flower patterned teacups and tea-pots, with pots of flowers surrounding us. Afternoon tea-parties. Very comfortable thoughts.
As for the JC gang, hahahaha. I love you all too. You all have been reading my blog I know. And I would like to thank you all for being there when I am in dark moments. And for the thoughtful tags you left at my blog. These small actions bring me out of my darkness and sometimes I can feel so tinily happy enough to have a weak smile inspite of surrounding gloominess.
These gang of people, haha, have no patience for afternoon tea parties I know. So when I have my own house next time, I will prepare wide screen tvs, mahjong tables and a wide table to lay buffet spreads on. But please pay attention to the cream puffs which I may make in the future, haha.
If I have a house, I will definitely buy an oven. In fact, I have a diary entry (in my own diary not blog), containing a list of all those things which I have to put in my house when I get one of my own in the future. Its theme will be country style with lots of lace and wood and flowers and rugs and paintings. I want sidetables and ceremic tea sets. Ah..there is a comprehensive list somewhere in my diary and I shant repeat and bore all of you.
One of my most vexing problem now is the guppies. At least in studies sometimes I am in control. But for guppies, I feel I am completely helpless. I cant force the guppies to get pregnant. And I feel really thick skin in asking for guppies from all the guppy club members.
And another longlasting regret. My novel which is forever locked in the spoilt thumbdrive. It is a heartache forever when I think of it. All my inspiration, happiness and sadness and the fun things and everything. My manuscripts and my drafts...they are all in the thumbdrive. I have the thumbdrive. But the data is just simply out of reach.....
I need the head of the same model fo thumbdrive. But i cant find it anymore. The model is too old. I have given up on my lifelong passion because of it. Maybe stalling for time, until the day when I can retrieve the faraway data..out of reach.
Conclusion: Vexed mood. The reality of problems still fall onto me. Heavily. I need a break. A very very long break.
Anyway, the purpose of this post is to express gratitude to Eugene. I owe him this post and he has been "reminding" me of it. Though, it is just that I am feeling vexed and things have not been progessing smoothly. I will explain further in the second part of my post.
I thank you, Eugene, the duck. For hmm....all that you have done. Including being my chauffeur when I need it. And including times when I have my whims and you are still tolerant and being by my side.
Thanks especially for bringing me to the guppy competition, so that I might be able to "persuade" a fellow member to give me a pair of doublesword tails. Though, another free pair of full red ribbon guppy died overnight. On your advice to put them into new water onto the same day. Ok, I'm not blaming you. I am just grieving over the death of them.
And, on that same day, I have to thank you for driving me to Towner Rd to buy that second hand 3 tier rack. It was a real steal dont you think so? For $20. Though I have to reimburse you petrol..
But well, thanks for chauffeuring me around and spending one fruitful day with me. It is really rare.
But happiness on me wears very thin easily. There is like a black hole in me. Or a dark
bottomless pit which sucks all happy things from me. Leaving me void but of vexing things.
There are a lot of datelines to be met. Datelines which people kep pushing me for but I cannot met them. It is just...very vexing. And my friends in school, well, you know, in uni everybody is only into tenporary partnership. I wonder where all the cliched stories of fun and vibrancy of universities come from. All made up. In real life uni life is a streak of fast and blurring grey.
At times like this, I am reminded of my friends in secondary school and in JC. And well, of cos Eugene. But he is as busy as ever now that he is in SIM.
Anw, about linda, mh, xl, sabrina, isabel n kaiqi from sec school. I feel warmth and cosiness when I think of them. Esp linda, mh and xl, though they may not be reading my blog, I still feel grateful to them. Though all of us are in different ways now, but I appreciate all our meetups and the kind of closeness I cannot find in my uni friends. I dunno why, but when I dream of my ideal house in the future, I would also visualise about a small victorian style white metal round table with matching chairs, and 4 of us sitting around it, drinking tea out of flower patterned teacups and tea-pots, with pots of flowers surrounding us. Afternoon tea-parties. Very comfortable thoughts.
As for the JC gang, hahahaha. I love you all too. You all have been reading my blog I know. And I would like to thank you all for being there when I am in dark moments. And for the thoughtful tags you left at my blog. These small actions bring me out of my darkness and sometimes I can feel so tinily happy enough to have a weak smile inspite of surrounding gloominess.
These gang of people, haha, have no patience for afternoon tea parties I know. So when I have my own house next time, I will prepare wide screen tvs, mahjong tables and a wide table to lay buffet spreads on. But please pay attention to the cream puffs which I may make in the future, haha.
If I have a house, I will definitely buy an oven. In fact, I have a diary entry (in my own diary not blog), containing a list of all those things which I have to put in my house when I get one of my own in the future. Its theme will be country style with lots of lace and wood and flowers and rugs and paintings. I want sidetables and ceremic tea sets. Ah..there is a comprehensive list somewhere in my diary and I shant repeat and bore all of you.
One of my most vexing problem now is the guppies. At least in studies sometimes I am in control. But for guppies, I feel I am completely helpless. I cant force the guppies to get pregnant. And I feel really thick skin in asking for guppies from all the guppy club members.
And another longlasting regret. My novel which is forever locked in the spoilt thumbdrive. It is a heartache forever when I think of it. All my inspiration, happiness and sadness and the fun things and everything. My manuscripts and my drafts...they are all in the thumbdrive. I have the thumbdrive. But the data is just simply out of reach.....
I need the head of the same model fo thumbdrive. But i cant find it anymore. The model is too old. I have given up on my lifelong passion because of it. Maybe stalling for time, until the day when I can retrieve the faraway data..out of reach.
Conclusion: Vexed mood. The reality of problems still fall onto me. Heavily. I need a break. A very very long break.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Ya I know I have to blog about you but please stop pressing me about it.
I have many many many undone assignments and many many datelines to meet. Plus the fark people that I trust keep fumbling up and creating more trouble for me.
Nothing is done. Nothing goes smooth. It is just plain irritating and very very very vexing.
I have many many many undone assignments and many many datelines to meet. Plus the fark people that I trust keep fumbling up and creating more trouble for me.
Nothing is done. Nothing goes smooth. It is just plain irritating and very very very vexing.
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