December post

Time for a little december post. I am driven by a few factors to post on my blog. It is active you know, but sometimes my brain isnt, so I dont write. However it is raining now and I just logged out of game feeling a bit bored and down, and my scalp itches a bit, so here I am blogging and grumbling abit.

The december weather has been wet and cold and coupled by the fact that I feel abit bored everyday, each passing minute seems a bore. I sleep late, wake late, eat, drink iced tea, watch tv and play game. Sounds like a blissful perfect school holiday except it is not. Drilling works wake me up at 10am and 1pm each day promptly. Heck the upgrading lifts. I walk 3 blocks away to buy drinks and I can still hear the dreadful ongoing drilling and drilling. The floor in my doorway is also coated with a thin layer of cement dust.

My head has been hurting for quite some time. My mum says it is because I wash my hair at night and didnt dry it properly. Now there is wind in it. I am inclined to believe it, because my head feels like it is cracking into two. But as I settle down, I think it may be more of a psychological problem.

I have suffered from tension headache before. As the name suggests, the headache occurs because of tension. Well you cant blame me, if u get woken up each day by drilling works and then proceed to do a routine of senseless and non productive things (like playing games and watch tv). The game is not exactly as interesting as it used to be also. A few years ago when I started playing the population was healthy. Now it is dying. So there is not much pple for me to chat with when I am ingame.

Also, I have some problems with my dieting regime. Something to do with my determination no doubt. I may have to put in more effort. But my will may be tested once again when I go for the chalet organised by yl on 20th.

Speaking of yl, I must mention our shopping escapade 2 days earlier. Fm was absent. When I msg her later in the evening when I am at home, she explained that she was tired and has been feeling down. I can understand it, or reason that are personal. I have a suspicion but some words are better left unsaid. Still, I encouraged her to chin up and I sincerely hope that her mood recovers soon. WJ may be able to give some nudge in this direction. No doubt, no matter how much WJ changes, he is still him, haha. Sidetrack a little, I wrapped his bdae present and going to buy his bdae cake. Hopefully my taste in those bdae gifts wont be criticised! Pple around me have a tendency to do it :x
Shopping was fun, perhaps a small getaway from my tedious routine of slp eat tv game. However I was on wedges and my nose was being watery and itchy so while I shopped I keep having the feeling of faintness. I still enjoyed myself though. Goods galore, FOOD galore! My eyes had a feast and I laid my fingers on most things I see, lols. My favourite shop was Precious Thots, funnily, I seem to have developed a new liking for the cute things inside. They were, honestly, quite intricatingly made. We spent the most time there I think, as yl was busy getting a gift box huge enough to contain her present for rikki.

Speaking of rikki, I havent seen him and am quite eager to. I nearly had a chance but the chance was denied by yl and put down by wjing and seok. Rikki was in vincity but she wouldnt let him show his face to me. LOL. Undoubtedly I would have said a couple of lame jokes in his face but my aim was just to see what kind of guy is dating my pal and wanna size him up to see if he will treat my pal good. Hmm...but maybe I should leave them alone, to brew their love :x

I will invite eugene to the chalet after all. Grudging, admittedly, some of my 'down feeling' stewed from him. Ok, now is the time for me to complain complain complain and I shall tempory cease to explore my own faults in this paragraph. Well he is good to me. But I just cant but he angry that he has no time for me. My temper flares up easily these days. Really, and I think I quarelled with him a few times more than often the past few weeks. Been crying also. He explained that his work is busy and he is stressed and whatever the heck but I just need some concern from you! Imagine I log out the game in front of him in a huff and he didnt even say a word about it. Inside I am screaming for his attention and then when I turned around, I didnt see him at my shoulder. THAT is extremely hurtful. When you are feeling down, depressed, bored, lonely and want your bf to say some loving words of care and concern, that is when he is not there. What can I do? Tell me what I can do. I tried a lot of methods, agressive passive, angry, concern, patient, tears. HA. None was the perfect remedy. I have a good mind to go off and do some crying right now. I know I cant complain to him or flare up in front of him. After the 3rd time I did that, I cant bear to anymore. Imagine I force him into a corner? /cry. So I come blogging. A blog he doesnt know exists in any case. Luckily for that I can talk freely here. Not that I have any secrets to hide. Although, haiz,...I dunno. It is just frustrating. his stress makes me stress and upset too and we cant do a single thing about it. He doesnt do anything about it too. Hate this. My bolster actually gives more comfort to me at this instant. What else can I do put put my mind elsewhere. Make him quit his police job? siao. But, haiz. Sad. The whole thing is just sad when it comes to this part. Otherwise it is still blissful. Just totally wish he has more time to accompany me. More attention into my body lamguage (like when I dont sms you, you know I am angry and waiting for you to humour me). Like...I want something cute and funny for christmas present. But...haiz...he says ok. he always does. An ok, with a big smile. It catches my breath for a second as I am thrilled. =) Really. Then I think about the disappointment...and...the euphoria evaporates, well slightly. There is always a chance that he will buy it for me right? Although he spends like 1000 years to think of what to buy and then end up buying something completely different. Hmm...but ok, am I difficult to please? =/ I am moody, but what can I do? I feel inferior now? How can I relive it? How can I not project these onto other people? Supressing it has far repercussions. I have experienced them before. Dark periods of my life. I have no wish to go back to those periods.

Think of something else to divert my attention pls =.=

Ok movies. Movies and exam results. Ok. =)
Breathe relax.
Well december there will be alot of movies. I am most looking forward to I am Legend. I love sci fic and thriller most. But I wont say no to a nice korean comedy too, haha.

Wonder when my results are coming out. Online is on the 26th, mercifully. I think the post might reach earlier. Hmm....I wonder how I will fare. I know for sure that statistics will be a goner. As for the rest, I will have to keep my fingers crossed. Then I have to worry about what modules I am going to take next semester. Advance translation will be out of the topic because it is too high lvl and I doubt they will except me this year. Maybe next year. As for GIS, I think I will choose a module in there and then I will complete a GEM. I looked through the options, Identity and Western Literature looks extremely appealing =) No doubt I will be the only person I know to bid for the module LOL. But is does seem interesting...

Finally I break the ice. It is holiday today afterall...

Have you ever went through a day when you wander around aimlessly, with nothing in mind to do? But in fact you have a dozen tasks at hand, although at the moment of time, the idea of completing these tasks seem so far and vague and when your sense of responsibilty kicks in and you start to feel that you need to complete these work, you feel suffocated. You feel irritated and you feel like you want to hurt yourself to release the tension bottled tight in you.

But of course your rational self starts pumping rationality into your blood and then you start to relax but feel a sense of emptiness inside you, welling up and then you come back to square one, your mind wandering around aimlessly, maybe your footsteps retraced themselves and then you know not what to do. Maybe like me, you would think about and then feel guilty about the lecture you missed yesterday. Or the lies you told to escape them. But then you try to justify them to yourself and then when you cant, or when you think that you shouldnt dwell on the past, or the done, you start to do things that you do routinely. You may be like me, you start by eating, and halway through it you feel guilty about the acumulated fats in your belly. And then you think anout the promise you made to yourself yesterday that you would jog a little bit to lose the extra kilos that you have gained. While at the same time, reminded that the extra kilos that you have gained have compunded and the extra kilos are actually alot. But you excused yourself yet again, saying that life is short, you need to enjoy and not be a slave of whatever, fashion, society, work, studies, responisbilties and that you need to relax and pick yourself up again for god knows what vague farway reasons like homework, impending tests, your boyfriend, your weight, your figure, your pocket money. And you say yes, I need to relax. So you watch your favourite sitcom in front of the computer, and then 3hours passed. When the show ends, the start to feel the emptiness again. You need something to fill your mind but that thing is definitely not work from school again! You look at the calender and you say, hey guy, today is a public holiday. Today is the wadever deepavali and although I am definitely not an indian but what the heck, I need a holiday ( i think i told that to myself yesterday).

Well I'm still stuck in my room, thinking of what to do when I was suddenly reminded of a close friend, I forgot, I think it is our fumin, telling our lao seok that she tagged on her blog and so I thought about my blog. Well, at this moment of time, I felt a slight sense of warmth at the thoughts of my friends. So I decided to send a little funny sms to fuminmin and ask her if she is having fun celebrating her deepavali. Well, at least these little acts let me escape into a surge of warmth and happiness for a minute. Thinking about all those outing we had together, AHHH i just love it. I love my friends thr, my clique, LOL. Although YL getting prettier than me liao la =x but I just love hanging out with these people although I am very broke already and then we always do nothing but eat and eat and then laugh and laugh and crack lame jokes. Coincidentally, those are the things I like to do most. (At this point of time I might want to add the fact that I enjoy doing these with eugene too, but i dont really like it when he does a little bit of grumbling and tell me how broke he is now. And honestly, I broker than he is, and....haiz...when the money factor kicks in, it kinda spoil the mood. But I really like back to back movies, jumbo hotdog combos, and having dinner at...somewhere. But I dont really like it when he picks up and check and exclaims, or groan in a low voice, argh...I'm broke. It is like...telling me you dont want me to go out with you again? =/)

But hor, I went to my girlfriends' blogs, as usual, whenever I am online, well, I read them even if you all dont know =x and I feel kind of sad because I seldom ever ever see my name on them. Well, which sets me thinking, wondering about myself, my relationships with people. And then my own personality, What sort of person am I? Aloof? Of course if eugene has a blog he may bloag about me everyday. But he doesnt and he dislikes writing. He doesnt even have a proper friendster (I have, but it is not well kept =x) and then...I start to want to evaluate myself. But I just wanna say to my clique, the people, fM, yL, seok, wj, wj, ah long, kry...I love you guys you know. Treasure all of you. Including ah long la...latest joke that i can rmbr is the mussels -.- and muscles.. -.- rofl, feel like slapping him LOL.

And 'someone' suddenly msn me and told me about the lovely bones. Broken bones =) or lonely bones =x I will go and check that out sometime.

I was slightly irritated when I opened the internet browser because I tried to type in the URL but then the stupid cursor thing shifted or something and I was typing but I wasnt inputting. Well I think if you read the sentence once more you might be able to understand it.

I feel a bit frustrated recently. I'm not sure whats the precise reason but you know how life is. Everything is compounded. It may be the one thing that your boyfriend did. And swallowed it. And then your dad keeps up with his daily routine of playing computer game in the living room. But you swallow it, unknowingly, you put up with it because you have gotten used to it and you remember the last fight with him didnt yield any lasting results. And i'm not going log in and play the game because, I dont feel like it. And then there is your weight problem. After shedding so much, you just put it back on and you know how terrible that feels? Well when you add 1 + 1 + 1 again, it becomes more than 3 actually. Well you get the stress of everything, added and multiplied.

Lets talk a little bit about school. I didnt do for the clubs meetings or the shooting trainings. God knows why.

And then lets talk about the studies. Hmm sttrictly speaking I am getting by rather well. Firstly I must talk about the much dreaded mudule sickening called Introduction to Statistics which talks about normal distributions, mean, median, mode, z score, t table, null hypothsis, sample distribution and whatever the hecks of the hecks! I dont even know why we need more statistics to study statistics. Idiotic! It is like back to JC when you have to study the notes, go for exams like a uniformed kid. So thats what my most unliked module is about. And of course did I mention the twice a week lectures are completely like zoo outings. When the rest of the tourmates eat drink and chat with all friends, and you totally ignore, or you just cant hear what the soft meek voiced female lecturer is saying. Funniest part is, this module isnt even a prerequisite for any other statistics module!! So what? It is quite a waste of time and honestly...

Ok the 2nd module, core module, which means compulsory, is called the Fundamentals to Project mgt and I have never seen a module whose tutorials and lectures seem totally disconnected. Worse of all, the tutorials have got nothing in common to our exams! Sounds like dot dot dot dot doesnt it? Because the 1st time we are going to try the qns in our final exams is during the exams itself! Disgusting! There isnt even anything in the archives. Drats...I have come to REALISE that and I believe that if you are not prepared, You can never score well in any written essay no matter how good your english or how talented you are in arguements. It is just that you need, you just need to polish your skills! Although I'm quite sure, cos the tutor hinted that our project, my group's, is quite quite quite quite excellent. I'm not boasting. But i really need this booster, 30% of my whole module marks, mind you. Cos the other 70% is gonna be so foreign I'm going to be like a dead cold frozen turkey in the exam hall on 27 Nov.

And I dont even want to talk about the visualisation in design and technology. ERGHS. Although everything is cool including the e studio and the software used, I honestly have not seen a worst lecturer. With an indian slag and a 5-15sec lag in whatever he is saying, I think the his lectures are a torture worse than Daljit telling you to go back to do newspaper cuttings. And worse of all, I have to do some posting in the forum in a module that I dont even feel like touching. After so many years of study, I finally believe in, for I finally come to realise, by being in the situation myself, that the teacher, or the lecturer really plays a big big part in your interest and your grades of that subject. I used to be skeptical, thinking it is just a convenient ecuse but now I really do believe in it. Because Benny is trying his best to make all of us score D in visualisation. I can tell you, I like the whole concept of the module except the lousy lecturer. I dont deny his expertise in the field (of building) but I really hate it when he comes in, wait for 10 sec, before talking, wait fr 2sec, talk again, in a drone, and then no matter how hard you try to concentrate, his voice simply puts you into a sleep. Well....disaster. I still need to cook up some posts to put in the forum to earn the marks for wad class particiation? yucks! How can I have any good questions to post when I have no passion in it at all?

Compared to the zing I have for Geographical Information System which is tedious, time comsuming, stucking in the lab, trying to figure out what the instructions are about and then feeling so cool and so fulfilled becasue the module, the contents, it just, rocks. I love it. i can do it for the rest of my semester and semesters after that. Well, considering that I am minoring in it, I think this passion better last longer and it better be stronger than the laziness that always consumes me. Haiz...why none of you like it de? hahahha...then can join me mah! Fun leh! But nobody believes =x

Next and last, is the translation module. I kind of like it, except for the fact that I was asked by the chinese studies clerk to send an email to the prof (cc to her) to explain my absence during one of the discussion class. Honestly, I felt abit ashamed, or a use for a better word, humiliated. I replied anyway, in a dignified manner. And i really do participate, a LOT in class. Well it is discussion group and since I am not that afraid of speaking out in class, I decided to, well, discuss =) Translation is a tricky business. I quite like it by now. But...haiz...the advanced module is a 4000 level module which means...I wont be able to take it next semester even if I fulfll the requirements. ....

Now....aimless again, after this long post. i dunno if I should talk about eugene. Well you know this stuff is kind of private =x but I know I should...confide in the few friends who know about THIS website. Hmm...I really dont know. I'm rather confused, slightly, taken aback, sometimes. But I really do enjoy all the time spent with him. I think I can spend hours and hours without realising the time has passed. But...when I am alone, free to let my mind wander. Or rather, my mind is bored enough to wander...I feel, empty again. Thinking about all the problems we have faced, thinking about if we have a uture together, our disparity. His notion in life...and then...Guess I like freedom, but being chained down a little is not that bad afterall. He is extremely extremely nice to me. Very very caring. But, too caring? The same problem still exists. Haix...Guess like my mum would say, take things slowly. Maybe nice and slow would keep the broth cooking all day long.

P.S. and ah..ah min, I cant help it and I hope you dont mind if I post your sms reply here because it is really really hilarious in my opinion: yeah i'm in india now very happy to see my distant relatives omg ate alot of indian curry too! =p
ROFL.

microlight flying 12 aug 2007

14 of us. pilot domingo and club president justin in the plane. it was wonderful. but the flight was too stable and comfortable. met tiffany (the one in I luv NY tee) a crazy enthusiast like me who despite having no friends with same interest, signed up alone. asked her jus now. didnt decide to go for sky diving this september, cos we already made up our minds yesterday. wahaha. same thinking. sky diving? u kidding me? even if she skips soccer practice and i skip shooting training we will go. we pre-resgistered ourselves when we saw it on the events list. chun hoe (new friend too =p who is in grey polo. we were in the same car tgt with desmond, who is standing beside chunhoe) said we two are siao siao de, haha, dont care what it is, dont even really know what courses we must take or what is curb jumping and tentative or whatever the heck, then die die must sign up already. met loads of new pple today. love it. love flight and space interest group.
want more photos? msn me! =p hehe

I'm going microlight flying this sunday morning! All the way to malaysia! It is the first activity of the flight and space interest group this year! I'm so excited! There are only us 16 fellow flyers in NUS (are we that unpopular? =.=) and none of my close girl friends could be persuaded to join me. Haiz...have to go alone. Hope I'll still enjoy it anyway.