Sidetrack alittle (actually, it's alot)

I'm feeling especially wordy today... haha...but lemme post what I have to say in case for the rest of the weeks I have nothing to say. Alot of the things, as my reader may already have noticed, are simply repetition and colorful words put together =x but I only post here when I need a confidant. Surely u must be thinking, there are people out there who would lend u a listening ear. But given my personality, I doubt I would tell my tale in an honest way.

Let me describe a bit of myself.. haha. I honestly think I am not a sympathetic person. Neither do I have the cool wit of an unfeeling judge. It's like somewhere stuck in the middle. Like a apprentice trying to pass off as a master. Remotely brilliant. The skill is just not quite there yet. I do not have enough knowledge to backup the cool appearance. =x So, this sums me up to being unfeeling or just, dazed. (alrite. i think the apprentice example is not apt..lolz)

I have a CD personality (not the CD u listen to). This comes from a DISC personality test. Allow me to spend some boring moments to describe it. CD is what we call a "designer" personality. Highly task oriented and sensitive to problems. Creative, determined, analytical. (gosh, am I praising myself? =x nah...jus reading from the book) They try to do everything correct while simultaneously avoiding failure. however, they are not sensitive to the needs of others. And it is very unlikely that u find sympathy in the C personalities. Sympathy belongs to the S personality. The descriptions of other personalities are only available upon request. =x

Hmm...I think that is why I dont have a bf till now. =x Guys apparently like girls who feed stray kittens and cry over tsunami victims. Not that I am cold hearted, but I cant bring myself to put up an act of weeping and mourning. The moment I am confronted with these things, I actually feel abit helpless.

I spend alot of time thinking, dreaming and wasting time..lolz. I feel abit lost at the moment. That's why you see so many posts this month. I'm trying to sort out what I'm thinking and take out some of the rubbish that's on my mind. Perhaps that shld create some space for maths formulas =.=.

I am not a good listener.(But i try to be. Listening is a very impt art and extremely useful when u wanna appear serious =x) I normally do not enjoy being called a sufferer of depression.(This may be what some people think about me..lols) That's why I need a mute confidant =p haha...it's abit of an overstatement. And it is extremely unhealthy to live in one's own world. So, this returns to the purpose of owning a blog.

As a matter of fact, I enjoy chatting. Though i dont know if people would enjoy chatting with me. Hahaha...few people I know in real life enjoy the same things as me. Sometimes I wish I were older and already have a degree so that I may travel around the world and find the true meaning of life. I feel so restricted now, so little time for me to explore this colorful world. I feel so unsupported and so "out" with the friends around me mugging. They always say the same thing to me when I told them I'm not studying for an exam. They say, "but u are so clever, without studying u would still scrape a pass." I feel like crying. I worry as much as they worry about grades but my heart cant settle down. My mind would always be thinking of something else. Haiz...I need a shoulder again. When I get back my grades, no one would bother that I flunk like there's no tmr. I'm upset but people would say "but you are so clever, if u HAD studied, u wld have done really well!" Perhaps I would. Perhaps it was a mistake to study science.

Literature would have suited me fairly well. I love history too... haha.. I like photography and I like visiting museums =x I guess I'm the only one in class who likes that...lolz. I often envision myself walking up the beautiful streets of Venice and eating ice cream while looking at antique rings and clocks. When I am bored of eating ice cream, I wld imagine myself drinking coffee in a beautiful and rustic coffeehouse.. hahaha... I love the aroma of coffee beans. But dont ask me to name the different brands of coffee >.< I dont hav an inkling to that. But I wouldnt mind listening to another coffee lover blabbering to me about that either =p But...so far I only know of another staunch coffee lover. hehe. Apparently people around me dont have that kind of erm..likings. Or maybe it is because i know too little people. Honestly, how many 18 yr old do you know that would like coffee? Sometimes, I would imagine meeting some1 nice and gentlemanly treating me to coffee in a coffeehouse. =x Alas, I have to imagine all this while seated in my tiny and messy room =p

I read and re-read touching love tales and imagine myself back in medieval times =x picturing my gallant knight in shining and his beautiful horse. When i cannot get enough of these, I write my own tales =x hahaha

I cant get to sleep because being awake is so much more enjoyable, I can choose to think of what makes me happy and chat with people that makes me happy =x hehe.. My dreams are disturbing. Perhaps the next time I would post my dream journal here..hehe

A few of my friends commented that I am quite a boring person to be with. hahaha...perhaps because I cannot share their passion for the newest gossip in school. lolz...if I start talking to them about how my wedding should be held, I think they would have thought that I think too much. hahaha....perhaps my thoughts are not suitable for my age. Perhaps my real life just isnt interesting enough. But never mind, perhaps things would change a little when I get to U in a a yr's time. Then I may have more freedom, but still, it may not...lolz

I like flowers too. I think flowers are romantic =x Though my nose just cant stand pollen grains. They are abit sensitive to this kind of things. Given a choice, I would have decorated my bedroom like a flower nursery, lolz. But I think flowers dont survive well in air con or electric powered light. =x I have an air purifier in my room tho, and I refill it with lavender essenced water (is thr this term? lolz) every other day.

Hmm..you may be thinking I need to get a life. =x lolz...actually the reason why I dun publicise my blog is because I think my friends would feel intimidated or affronted by what I write. Alrite, these may be too big words, I'll try to think of other words in the meantime. Now u know why I need a muted confidant. I dont really enjoy objections to my opinions =x...ok..I know this is really dictatorial...lolz..many times, I just cant someone who can share similar feelings. T_T I need some love =x hahaha...I think everyone needs love. Romance is a great medicine. Similar to humor. They make things like grinding beans so much more enjoyable =p

Maybe I dream too much. Some people say this is a kind of irresponsible habbit. Honestly, if people in singapore is more arty farty, I may find new life in a writer's career =x hahaha...I'm thinking too highly of myself. When I read the works of another close friend, I feel abit..erm..hehe..tiny again. I doubt a prose made up by my mere opinions would be very appealing to an editor. But a writer always take pride in his works. Even for just 1 reader, a writer would make it an effort to perfect his works. Just like a performer, a dancer or a busker for an instance, even if they only hav 1 audience(singular =x), it would have made everything so much more worthwhile. This is what I call a true lover of art. Many may seek to differ though. Reality doesnt work that way, they would say. But what is art without some distance away from worldly discharge. (Doesnt matter if u cant quite get wad this sentence means, I cant find the correct words to use...lolz)

Just words. Empty words...haiz...and this brings me back to reality. Feeling abit upset again haha..

Am I getting too boring? hahaha...alrite, I'll end here and wait for the next time I feel wordy again.

Forlorn

How shld I describe this feeling that's on a rampage in my body?

Should I say it is a robber, who steals my happy memories, or a closed door, which shuts me off joyness?
Or a dish that went bad and a party ruined.
Issit the starless sky or the empty street. Or just a glazed window without curtains?
Perhaps it is a key that never opens any door or a flower that wiltered as a bud.
Or just a story without an ending.
Maybe it is a pail with a hole or a net that doesnt catch.
A poor fish without fins or a bird with no wings. (oh my, this rhymes, wasnt deliberate =x)

Peering through the window, thinking of the time that slips by. Looking at the patch of grass that had been there since I moved in. What would it be like if you gave it a brain some legs and a voice? Is this out of topic? lolz

Feeling forlorn. A feeling of sadness twinged with hope. A dash of joyness coupled with helplessness.

When you feel so tiny

Alas, I cant help feeling tiny, unread, ignorant, naive. Hahaha...I guess this means there is a lack of confidence somewhere. The more people I know the worse I feel. Especially in front of such a confident, know-all guy that I am fond of, I feel that I am shrinking at an alarming rate.

I cant write romantic things. I cant cry over touching stories. I cant flaunt my knowledge on technical stuff (cos i dun hav the knowledge in the 1st place) and I cant talk about the greatest artists in the 18th century. I cant explain the function of a case cooler without sounding like a bubblebrained beach bum and I cant make a comment without sounding like I am flirting.

Alas, I feel so tiny. So eager to prove yet so tactless in the process. Like someone at the bottom of the well, so impressed by the spot of sunlight above his head. Leaping, jumping and grabbing the space above his head in glee. We all know it is a futile attempt to catch sunlight in fists or to get out of the well by mere jumping. We all know. But the person in the well wont know.

It is June

It is June already...at least I made an effort to post ere...tho I doubt anyone is reading my blog.. haha...I didnt tell alot of people aboutthis blog of mine. Only a small number of close friends know and I doubt that my rate of posting made this blog very interesting. =p

I used to have a nicer and bigger blog with nice music and nice background and I have long forgotten the name of the account for there was a bleak period in my life I tried very hard to erase sorrowful memories. The old blog was dedicated entirely to those sinful thoughts. I have a few backup copies of those things that I have wrote back then and out of the blue, I decided to post them in this blog. There are 4 articles in all, namely, The Dark Forest, Why does the world breeds sorrow, The Land of no rays and Final Illusioning. (p.s. I have a special liking for Final Illusioning) All of them which i had posted just today. =) (Ignore the date, I wrote them a few years back.) As a matter of fact, I miss my old blog and some of the old posts..haha.. I personally think this blog isnt very user-friendly. I cant find all the articles and there isnt enough buttons for me to navigate. Nonetheless, it is still my blog..and I can speak my mind in it ^^

So, what is the purpose of this post? =) I duno either...hehe... Just to put what I have on my mind to words. Not worth reading. Opps...but you have read till the end. =p