26 May 2007

Recently, or should I say, for the past 2 weeks, I have re-logged in to my FWO account. This game took up a huge part of my life 'bout 4-5 years ago when I was very much addicted to it.

I have quitted 2 years ago. Now that I'm back, I tried to look at the life that I have used to lead.

Most of my old friends have left the game. But they're still very much alive, thank you very much. However, when I looked at the traces and hints of the lives they're leading now, a feeling of regret came rushing over me. I see that they're living well. I see that they have kept in touch. I see that they have still kept the friendships which I have chose to leave behind. I suddenly understood why a few days ago, my friend, KQ, was so mad at me for not putting in effort in sustaining our friendship. But...am I really such an irresponsible person? I dont know. Is this called backlash? Or is this called...retribution is too hard a word...

When I quitted 2 years ago, I've never thought of turning back. There were too many things happening back then that drove me to make this decision. That is why, when a very close friend of mine started to play this game, I was very angry. Because it reminds me of the life that I have put behind me. Now, I start to suffer the consequences of the decision that I have made. The consequences that I thought I would never have to face because I thought I would never have to see the things which I have turned my back on.

It sounds heartless, but the truth was more merciless still back then. One fine day, I was freaked (a weird word to use, a long story to tell) out, chickened out.... So, I did things my usual dramatic way and refused to get anywhere near internet. Still, I am starting to doubt.. Seeing traces of this past made me feel pangs of, I dont know what, sadness or unwillingness?

Therefore if there is no point in turning back, maybe I should grit my teeth and hold on with this decision. Since I decided to cut off all contacts with the game 2 years ago, it makes no sense that the game or its people would welcome me back with an open arm. I still have my game character (blar..), still know how to use it (bleh..). For those few friends who are still ingame, perhaps the friendship can still be renewed. However, for the majority, the best of the friends that I have made, I'm really afraid I've lost them since. I dont really have the courage to look them up, or pretend that we're still as close as ever. After so many years, unwillingly or not, ties would have strained. However, I am really glad, and comforted that, well, there's still one, out of these many friends, who is still in touch with me. Though, he's kind of busy.
Thinking aloud: I wonder if we have lost that spark between us. Looks like, for the both of us, we have to let nature take its course.

Perhaps, I might feel better if I find the initial reason for which I decided to say, chop chop, Goodbye.