I'm trying too hard.

The snowflakes doesnt show on my blog. T_T
They show up on the preview page but not my blog! T_T
Spent hours on it. But it still wouldnt snow. =.=
=(

I must write something more meaningful. Haiz.. thrashing around here with no audience... or audience that pretends not to be here... is very meaningless. And to be alone, free to think, to imagine, is highly unhealthy. And tiring. Haiz... haiz.. haiz... T_T I dont want the sinister black devil. I want some smiles, plenty of jokes and plenty of chats. Haiz.... T_T During which part of the road did I lose myself? T_T I wanna reclaim it.

I republished every single post on my blog. Even those that I wrote and saved as drafts for a very long time. As I clicked on to republish them, I realise most of the posts, these few months, were of similar genre. Which leads me to realise how much I had grown and how much I had not. In my world, a problem had existed for a long time and I have blogged enough about it. I have been trying and trying to solve it through writing and writing. After blogging for so long, the problem remains stubbornly unsolved. So, I should stop blogging?

After reading about 100 posts on the same topic, it is not hard to predict the content of the next post I make. And this conclusion left me astounded. =o I mean, it makes me feel flustered. I'm always afraid. Anyway, I'm made very exhausted by the problem and have formulated thousands of views on it, a huge fraction which I didnt manage to blog here.

I kept doing and undoing the problem. Sometimes I wonder how the problem arisen. Or whether if it's only my own problem or wadever wadever. Actually the problem involves mainly 2 parties. Obviously one of them is me. We seemed to have talked about it twice and things appear to be resoloved? But, I keep doing and undoing it. And because I was the one who kept undoing it, I didnt want to infringe it upon others. A friend reckons that I should talk it out again. She says it's my right. But you see, I have too little confidence. And lately, I begin to realise that I too, have very little confidence in the friendship that I once held with someone. Perhaps it's the change in events that strained matters. Or maybe, I read too much into it. Or maybe, I have always been imagining how good things were? HA! That would sadden me greatly, if one day, I were to ever able to verify it. Maybe I cant remember what we used to chat about and perhaps I never wanna recall again, since, I am dawned upon the fact that the person I thought to be, is not what I thought to be. So... wads the verdict?

I cant seem to take it lightly and be reminded that it's a virtual thing altogether. Although, I know rather clearly that it's always the people to be blamed, not the system. But... to blame the person means a harder reality to accept. I must really stop writing this essay. If there's a friend who understood me enough, he can already guess whats on my mind. Otherwise, sooner or later, the disparity in thinking, would drive us apart anyway. I can already feel it, through the little interactions that we can manage. Maybe one party had changed. Or maybe both changed. Or none changed. You know, imagine two lines travelling. As long as they have diverging gradients, they will seperate, no matter how close together they started. As time goes by, the gap will be so widen that they may never meet again and maybe those two lines would have forgotten how close they had started as. Hmm... this is my state of mentality for now. Perhaps we both lost the enthusiasm we used to have for each other. If I can know this friend enough to predict whats on his mind. Everything is of indication. And my beliefs are based on what I see.

Two days later, I probably would have formulated more ideas on my mind but any reader of my blog probably wouldnt get to hear it, since I feel I have blogged too much on the same problem and must find other means of resolving it. It's a battle against myself, since no1 else seems to care and I can hardly blame them. If there's someone, then it's an added bonus, if there's no1.... then I must really reflect: how many true friends have I made? =o In any case, I go at my own speed... and normally I wouldnt talk about it to anyone else. So, even if someone asks me, "Are you ok?" One can expect me to say, "Dont worry, I'm ok." But... haiz.. I dont wish to elaborate any further because I'm going in circles. The reason why I keep blogging and blogging and blogging, is because I cant let it go. See? I already know the problem but I dont solve it. But because it's something that once touched me greatly, I cannot forget easily. Haiz.. but I'm quite sure that I appear to be the only one who thinks there's a problem. There is nothing else to prove otherwise. Haiz.. saddens me to feel so. Meaning the disparity had grown even wider. T_T And I had been fooled all along? I'm doubting what I had once felt. And from my verdict, I begin to hate. So.. now my reader now gets a better understanding to the birth of my black devil? If my doubts are correct, then... man... should I really hate. But... I... I'm getting dizzy and I dont want to initiate any more talks. I'm so tired I could cry. And I'm not busy at all, I have time for anything in the world. But... we're just no longer as enthusiastic as before. If the present state remains... well, the lines just continue to diverge. Since both lines are passive (maybe only I'm passive. Because I realise I do not know anyone well enough to speak for him), inevitably, we are heading different ways, as we have always been, as I have always not realised and when I realise, I make a scene of it because I cant accept it gracefully. Maybe these things just come and go. But I like to go against the crowd. And tortue myself. But I'm not as non-chalant. Still, one day, I'll be able to take it lightly. Not because I dont believe in myself anymore, but because time has diluted what I once treasured.

Until I think of something cheerful to write, I wont update my blog anymore. In case you are lost in my ocean of words, the reason, I have already stated above. If you are free and cared enough to know, just re-read lor. =) My mentality... should be rather clear. Although I like to speak in riddles and codes. But I musnt make things ugly. No. I think we are both beautists. (In my context, this word means someone who doesnt enjoy talking things out la. Just remain as it is and hoping it would disappear. Woot, that's really bleak.)

I must try to bear it in mind. Yea? Yea. =(