There is so much more to say but I do not know how. I'm keeping myself busy, very busy, to keep my mind off things. But when things quiet down and I have time to think about things, of course, when one part of me tries to forget and the other part of me tries to make myself face it, when these two contradictions appear simultaneously, the result is, I spend hours and hours feeling blank and typing stuff which doesnt make sense to others.
For me, the time to seek for an answer had already passed. I remember some weeks ago, in my distress, I asked someone for an answer. He paused for a while and replied me with," Say wad? You have your own eyes to see." It took 5 minutes for me to digest that statement. Meanwhile in this 5 minutes, I could feel it inside me, that a lot of changes were taking place, but it was all so hazy and I couldnt quite know what the result was, since I'm still feeling lost and abit hazy now. And some weeks following this, I was in despair again and I asked another person a question. And she replied me like this, "you cannot make the decisions for him. You have in mind the possibility of a happy ending, so to speak, with him. You already know that you are just pushing the reality." I was taken confused but in a split second later I thought I did understand, in fact, I understand that I already understood it long ago. But with someone saying it out, it took me still as hard. I was upset and silent for a rather long while and I seem to have reached another conclusion and spoke to her again. Her reply was, "talking this out with him may lead to some form of closure, but you also have to be careful." And now that is why I have so much to say but do not know how. Eventually, I took the most immature route, by avoiding. Avoiding to look, avoiding to talk about it and sometimes it works sometimes it doesnt. And now I feel, that all these, inevitably, may lead to some form of closure in the end, T_T, for as long as I'm not able to face it properly.
Once again, I cannot properly organize my thoughts in words now and though I feel I have such a great deal to say, I still do not know how. And so many times we have eyes to see the answers. Although there lies a great risk that one may be wrong and that's how relations are strained and misunderstandings occurs but I'm not gonna tax my mind on this anymore. No more benefit of doubts. I already convinced myself that the time has gone for me to seek answers. Now is the time for me to accept these answers gracefully. And let me assume that, you have yet to find a problem, or perhaps the question, now. Haha. But you may already have started to touch on the edges of it but still, I know I'm letting my hopes rise and that's really detrimental. And perhaps, I am heading the way of a closure. For I cannot take all these anymore. I cannot look at your name and fail to see what upsets me terrible and as a woman, I'm jealous. as a girl, I'm heartbroken. as a poet, I'm forlorn. Haha, am I even a poet? But as a rational person, I know I have to be able to resolve it properly. And all these, the thoughts, are tearing me apart. I'm so tired T_T And why, why, have I fallen for you? And, doh~, this is not a question. This is a statement. Which means, it should be taken note of but shouldnt be commented on. Iron hand. /slap It's hard, for me, and perhaps for you too. (Unless I think too highly of myself, haha) I believe I can safely say that we both treausre the friendship but well, the present situation is inevitable and you may already have predicted it and let me allow myself 2 seconds of irresponsibility, to blame you for not ending things before it is too late. And, do you already know that I'll take it badly? hahaha. T_T I'm complicating matters. But I do want to get out if this mess quickly. And I really do not know what the result would be like T_T And maybe, at the end of it, I have gained a friend, or lost one. Due to my own stubbornness anyway.
1 month. 7 months. 1 year? T_T How long do I need to take things in my stride and look as you once again, as a friend, as a good friend, who is able to chat with me for hours and hours while we forget all about other things in the world? And now, when I'm being cold to you, to things, I'm trying to cold my heart, for I cant allow myself or my feelings to get heated up again. It's pulling me apart. I cant bear this pain. I must reach a conclusion quick. =( But, I want no conclusions at all. But what am I talking about? I'm confused. T_T /shoo T_T Everytime I look at your name, and all other loud proclaims of your love, I'm heartbroken again, I can't keep up a jovial self anymore. Let me get out of this. =( So that I can still maintain a good memory of old times. I~ Haiz... If there indeed is a question to which I havent found an answer, that would be how to make myself feel better again. I really do not know how T_T At times I thought I found it, found the way, and indeed I already felt better, but well, you see, I'm posting something like this again.
And now, once again, I must get back to work and after I close this window, I aint gonna think of these anymore. I have thrown them all out and wont let them creep back into me. And please dont think of it, after you close this window too.
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