My internal struggle

It has been a long while since I put in my heart to make a post. Bel asked why the other posts were gone. Answer: I felt they were a bit of an eyesore, so I removed them.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I remember what I wrote on the eve of my last birthday. And I think about what I'm feeling now, I feel, I have not grown at all. A human's behavior is repetitive. I demand a lot, of myself and of others, sometimes unrealistically. I flare up easily and when I cannot afford to flare up in front of certain people, I get angry with myself. For many months I have been feeling abit lost and depressed. Recently, or a couple of weeks ago, I told myself I will not carry on in the same manner. I gave myself alot of encouragements, especially when I cannot get them from people. I said a lot of things and forced myself to adopt certain mentality, whether or not they are logical, to make myself feel better. But I do realise, I have no such perseverance or the wits or the mental state or whatever, to do what I set out to do. I must lament a little.

Today, I'm feeling something new. (One must beat in mind that each time I post, I'm in a fully calm state. I cannot type properly if I'm in an excited state or on the verge of a nervous breakdown.) I feel abit of a hatred and I feel like crying to release the pent up anguish in me. You know, those kind of silent weeping? One must always rely on imagination, since there are only words here. Once again, I have to be upsetted by certain inference I have made on my own on certain things that I see, certain signs that I read. Either I'm too blinded by my narrow mindedness or that the truth genuinely hurts, I feel as though I'm disappointed. The stinging pain, again. Like the stinging one gets after being slapped in the face. Maybe it's shame or hatred or disappointment or disgust. I feel like giving one of those kind of maniacal laughters-cum-crying you get from a woman whom they show in serial dramas. Normally they couple it with some swearing and BANG. Slam the door and the person gets out of the room and out of your life. I'm more civilised. haha. And I talk big. I'm rather chicken in real life. Duh. I wished I had not come online today. But I had to close a bank account for my mum, so I had no choice. And inevitably, I looked through some of the webbies I used to look through. And the result, is this post.

I used to be very persistent in the things I pursue. But failures diminish my spirits. I wish no longer to look ahead of me. But like I said, human's behavior is repetitive. A few months or years down the road, I may be foolishly chasing after foolish things again.

If I could, I would spend days and days and months to lock myself in the room and cry and think about one single unhappy thing I have met in life and wallow in despair. Sometimes I feel I could almost act like an insane woman. But, actually, that's evidence of sanity. It's alright to be a slave of your emotions once in a while, but really, I grow to hate that a little. Bcos I tend to give myself excuses for feeling like an adolescent. Now this topic of adolescence is really quite interesting. The fact that an adolescent is criticising adolescence is in fact a showcase of adolescence itself. Anyway, acting as if the sky had fallen on me is keeping me off track for more important things which I really cannot afford to mess up in this stage of my life. Very honestly, once I completed what I need to do, I will set out to mess up my life =) Give in to all my desires. Basically act like a irresponsible hell of a brat. muaha.

Back to now. I really do feel like having a good laugh (or cry) at a certain thing which I have grown to hate. That certain thing which I have grown foreign to, which made me question my own believes and made me feel that in fact the whole affair was rather laughable. Whether the affair was a result of a person or two or merely my imagination or a situation which no longer exists, well, it really doesnt matter anymore. But, it's so jittery and confused in my mind and my heart now that I wish I could put them all in a blog and hope to achieve a conclusion at the end of the post.

Everyone can be a bad loser. Everyone can be stubborn about certain things. Teenagers tend to possess the above two traits. Well, I have yet to hit 20, so I'm a teenager. There's a controversy on kidultism or something like that, which basically extends the arms of 'teens' to 20++ people. But, I'm not discussing GP here. =.= I must become a slave of my emotion for as long as I'm typing things here which may only make sense to me. So, I must continue to lament and act like I lost everything which I possess. Exactly the mindset of a teenager. I must act my age.

Women are bitter creatures? You bet they are. I'm not saying men cant be bitter creatures, but you see, it seems more alluring not to mention more ironic and prospective to add claws to a delicate creature. I'm really not making a lot of sense. No wonder all my GP essays dont meet the mark. I feel a bit bitter now. A bit crestfallen, although I should know better than to feel that way. Maybe I should watch the night sky and cry abit to myself. Something which I have not done for a long time. I remember while I was writing in my dairy last year on the very same date as today, I was also crying. All girls cry. Hmm.. some more often, some less often. Some genuinely cry out of sadness, while some cry because they have too much of a tear glands. I have a completely different issue on my mind, this year, although the sentiments are largely the same.

I wish I could hate more significanlty. But after so much writing... I have become a bit cold to matters, to myself, to people. Struggling and thrashing around. I could preserve a memory and hate it in peace for the rest of my life. But that's really a foolish way of doing things. But again, I wish I have the blessings of ignorance. Foolish. But simplier and happier.

Now, after this post, I really have not reached any conclusions yet, although one thing for sure, I'm hating fully now, starting just from tonight, hating so fully that I'm gonna reject and loathe and act like one hell of an unreasonable person. I'm really lousy in Physics. I can't lump one whole chunk of messy ugly theories into a single equation. So, more advancement I need.