What's untold

I dont know if you know how I feel whenever I put up this picture. I was in a heavy mood when I browsed through all my posts before removing them for public to see and came to realise, how short our union was, if I can ever be optimistic enough again to consider it a union.

Sometimes, in fact most of the time, even if I can't see it, I can feel it. I can always feel it, and know it. And read the signs. And read your replies. And read your mood. Then read your tone. In talking to others. In talking to me. Even the way you laugh, I can tell, what truly caused your good mood. Unless I'm mistaken, which I doubt, the reason to your good mood now hurts me even more. I saw things that knive through my heart and I realised things that made me feel stupid. Stupid enough to believe. Still, I can't hate you enough to forget you. These days, I'm constantly working towards that goal. It is less draining to hate you than to understand you. It should be easy enough, if the signs that come from you doesnt change. If I could do it though, it sprung from my only love for you. Meaning, for as long as I hate you, I still love you. Until the day when I couldnt remember when was the last time I thought of you, that would be when I have truly let go of you. Perhaps you would laugh, or maybe I should laugh at myself too, how can one possibly fall in love with someone online? Maybe it's because we have no life. Or maybe you have your life, while I'm trying to find mine. I hold what we share true to my heart, for I still want to believe in it, in the goodness of it. Although I'm afraid, by the day, I'm losing memory of what we used to share. Perhaps you had already forgotten what you said, or you hadnt, merely changed a subject for it. Or you just so happened to let slip a piece of your thoughts and I took it too seriously.

There used to be a picture of yuna and tidus hugging. haha. I know that my heart used to skip a beat whenever I saw it appear after I put up this particular yuna pic. But it seemed so distant now that I begin to doubt if I made it up. =o I would give up all my painkillers for gastric pain if I ever see it again, in the same context, or in the context I thought it to be. I tried to find it on the web, but I couldn't. HA! T_T

I'll never know what exactly is on your mind, although, one can always guess. But from whatever I guessed, I end up asking myself in distress, where is the person who made me forget time? Who made me forget to sleep? It made me doubt, if you had ever felt what you had said to me. Even if it is only for a brief second, picture a happy future together? It made me wonder, if you had mistook me for someone else. Stupid cupid, villian. Now why, have things progressed like this? HAHA! T_T Someone told me, a year ltr, I would look back and laugh at all these now. If I had more confidence in myself, I would start counting the days. I wanna know, if you ever felt the way for me, like you felt the way for the other someone special. But I thought, I already know the answer. I cannot deny that I am very disappointed. Truly upset. Very. T_T I did allow myself to hope. I have always pictured something good. I always thought there could be endless things we could chat on. I thought, for a brief moment, things were mutual. Why? Why did you say it, if you didnt mean it? T_T Did you realise, how much agony you had put me through? But I should have known, anyway, I already know but I didnt want to admit it, that if truly there is love, things wouldnt have progressed in this way. T_T You once said, you were never a good friend of time. Looking at such happiness you are bathing in now, please, please swallow your words. You had asked if I would do certain things, if I could, at the right time, right place. I wanted to say I would, most certainly, very certainly do it. I'll still do it, if you ever ask again. Once again, I'm also not a good friend of time. Be ashamed! That you ever said all these. And I'll be ashamed that I still remember what even the speaker had forgotten. Perhaps even said in a jest, in a moment of recklessness. If I cannot stop loving you, I'll continue. I couldnt hate you, I can only be disappointed in what we have shared, so fragile that it could be abandoned.~ I can't bring myself to say all these to you in your face, I have no courage, none at all, to face what you might say to me. I was attending a lecture last 2 weeks and the lecturer mentioned so unfeelingly, that technology made the world smaller. My initial thought was to stand up and laugh at him. But I thought again, that his statement is true, to a certain extent (historians like to use this term, haha) but probably he didnt realise there was a more human part to it. Why should we feel so human? I would rather be a dog or a cat. Maybe a dolphin. But, well, it is irresponsible to say that. I couldnt remember the last time I spoke to you without thinking of all else that matter. Probably you cant even remember what made you chat with me for hours and hours. It was only in June. So, how come I feel it have been for ages and ages since we met?! How short-lived all these had been! Now, who can we blame?! T_T I look at you now, and I would laugh at myself: while I'm thinking of all these, did you ever spend a sleepness night to think about us too? I probably would not want to know the answer. =.= I'm passive. I'm waiting. I have questions and I can only answer them myself. But, obviously I cannot decide for you T_T I cannot decide what makes you happy, I cannot decide for you what you want to do, I cannot decide for you what you choose to ignore, I cannot decide what you want to do the next day. I can only try to understand and accept the decisions you have made, temporary ornot. T_T But, there is only one reason to make me happy, one reason to make me sad. I'm sure we can resolve this rationally, peacefully. But...but, maybe thr is no need to do it anyway. I'm sure gonna hate you for it! hahahaha! T_T I dont know how long this will last, whether it will end with a conclusion, merely forgotten, or one day we will find each other as strangers again, but I thought, we both believe in fairy tales? hahahahaha. /mock T_T Did you know, how much it hurts to laugh now? If there is anything I wish least to hear from you, that would be 'I'm sorry'.

If you can guess, if only you can guess accurately how much pain I'm going through all these days, and how much I have come to relish in the joy of an old moment of sincerity from you, I would not have known you for nothing.