Well...the post before the last post was definitely not my last post..lolz.. ought not to have put it there in the title =x
Aim of this post: To provide a better insight to my inner self
lolz...
I just took a quiz which I had found out from on a friend's weblog =x And the results, I couldnt keep them to myself... hahaha..
You scored as Satanism.
Your beliefs most closely resemble those of Satanism! Before you scream, do a bit of research on it. To be a Satanist, you don't actually have to believe in Satan. Satanism generally focuses upon the spiritual advancement of the self, rather than upon submission to a deity or a set of moral codes. Do some research if you immediately think of the satanic cult stereotype. Your beliefs may also resemble those of earth-based religions such as paganism.
Satanism ----- 75%
agnosticism ----- 71%
Buddhism -----63%
Islam -----58%
Paganism ----- 58%
atheism ----- 54%
Judaism -----50%
Hinduism ----- 50%
Christianity ----- 42%
Erm...thr ought to be a table of results but I couldnt paste them here. But nvm, you can see that I scored A1 in satanism...took me a good 5mins to realise what's SATANism...lolz
I dont mind being a satanist actually =x though that's not what the 'satanism' in the test implies. On another note,I'm a huge coward so I wont do extreme things like participating in mass sucidal...but I was in the least horrified about being so alike to the 'satanist'. Before you think I'm a sadist, lolz, do realise that my score is only 75% =x I'm pretty 'all rounded' otherwise and I failed only in Christianity. Truth be told I was abit saddened but it didnt come as a real shock. I used to go to churches and believed in the goodness of it. However someway in the middle I lost faith in it.
Well, perhaps it's not in my blood to be a loyal believer. I'll leave it to the nxt time to discuss this. =x
To end this on a satanic note....MUAHAHAHAHA
p.s. xiaoming, the link u want =p
http://quizfarm.com/test.php?q_id=10907
Thursday, June 30, 2005
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Confusion in short
Well, the last post wasnt the last post of June afterall. =/
I have some things that I'm dying to get off chest and I'm posting them now. I think, if Iwrite out my feelings, I'll be spared of the torments. I'll keep it short.
Day 1: sweet
------ smiling in dreams
Day 2: stale
------ contemplating furiously
Day 3: staler
------ stoning
Day 4: bitter
------ ripping out hair
Day 5: unknown
------ unknown
.
.
.
I have some things that I'm dying to get off chest and I'm posting them now. I think, if Iwrite out my feelings, I'll be spared of the torments. I'll keep it short.
Day 1: sweet
------ smiling in dreams
Day 2: stale
------ contemplating furiously
Day 3: staler
------ stoning
Day 4: bitter
------ ripping out hair
Day 5: unknown
------ unknown
.
.
.
Sunday, June 26, 2005
Perhaps the last post in June
What do I wanna say in the last post of June?
Pining. Again.
They say out of sight, out of mind. I really believe this happens.
This is a start of battle against time. A fight against the powers of the unfeeling judge.
Feels as though I'm trying to hold back wind. Futile.
But for now, it is still dancing around me =)
or shld I say, I'm dancing in the wind?
But I fear the day when the wind would leave.
If only,
I could transform into a little piece of wiltered leaf,
and let the wind take me with Him.
Across the meadows and across the mills.
Through the pastures and through the fields.
Soft the wind could be,
light the leaf it is,
across the vast skies and amongst the teasing clouds,
the wind would take the leaf with him.
To poke fun at the lost kite, to tickle the canopies of the tress.
To caress the faint light of dawn, to chase the stars of Arianrhod.
To be where the Wind could be.
Formless my Wind it is,
whispering and chuckling beside me.
A dismal delight,
a blind enchantment,
a faraway dream.
If only,
and only,
I could transform into a little piece of leaf.
Pining. Again.
They say out of sight, out of mind. I really believe this happens.
This is a start of battle against time. A fight against the powers of the unfeeling judge.
Feels as though I'm trying to hold back wind. Futile.
But for now, it is still dancing around me =)
or shld I say, I'm dancing in the wind?
But I fear the day when the wind would leave.
If only,
I could transform into a little piece of wiltered leaf,
and let the wind take me with Him.
Across the meadows and across the mills.
Through the pastures and through the fields.
Soft the wind could be,
light the leaf it is,
across the vast skies and amongst the teasing clouds,
the wind would take the leaf with him.
To poke fun at the lost kite, to tickle the canopies of the tress.
To caress the faint light of dawn, to chase the stars of Arianrhod.
To be where the Wind could be.
Formless my Wind it is,
whispering and chuckling beside me.
A dismal delight,
a blind enchantment,
a faraway dream.
If only,
and only,
I could transform into a little piece of leaf.
Sleeping awake
Before I start, I would like to thank the 2(or 3) people who read my blog. (u know who) Sometimes I'm reluctant to share the things in my blog, for they came straight from my heart(or mind), prefering to keep them nicely stashed away and out of sight. It feels rather embarassing to let people see these silly thoughts. Honestly, I had wanted to delete "A sudden troubled thought", for I think I may have spoke too much. However I woke up to find a msg left behind and I thought it wldnt be nice if I deleted something which someone took the effort to write.
Back to the topic.
I realise I have to sleep 10-12hrs a day. That is if possible. Normal days I slp only 6hrs. Today is the last day of my school holiday. Today I woke up at 4.30pm(I fall aslp ard 6am) from a rather "exciting sleep". Exactly how exciting it is, I will get to that later. I cldnt get to slp initially, cos the morning light was already shining through the window. I cant stand slping in light. They make me quite irritable, esp when I'm trying to relax myself. Maybe the next time I wld get something to cover my eyes. It is impt that I mention the conditions in which I fall aslp as I thought they may be accountable for disturbed slp I have ltr on.
Perhaps, the reason why I slp for so long is because I dream alot. The fragments of the dreams that are still on my mind are rather hazy already. But I will try my best to recount. Many books that I read about dreams indicated that feelings are the most important aspect of dreams. Many people think it is the incident in your dreams that counts. So, I will try my best to relate the feelings that I had when I'm dreaming.
The 1st dream that I had, is about St.John Ambulance Brigade. The brigade which I had joined in secondary school. This brigade left me many lingering memories and I also made my best friend in there. As a matter of fact, "The Land of no Rays" was written in memory of my ambulance team.
Back to my dream.
I dreamt that I was back in secondary school and been made the parade commander of my squad. Hahaha.. quite impossible in reality, since I had offended alot of the senior officers and it is quite likely that the school cleaner became the commander before I do. Nonetheless, I had dreamt it this way. Then duno for what reason, we were all suddenly seated in front of the chief commisioner (a high ranking officer) listening to her talk. And duno for wadever reason again, I was suddenly caught in a battle of words with her. I think it was because she found me whispering to my best friend(she was sitting beside me). Quite a lame reason. But I won the 'battle' with many colorful words and 歪理 and I felt a great sense of triumph. It was rather like beating up the school bully or rendering the snappy discipline mistress speechless.
The next scene, I was returning home. This time, I went forward in time and I felt (rather than know) like an adult.(dont laugh too long at this =x)
It wasnt the home that I am living in now. It's a condominium. I quickly found out that I am living alone(in my dream). The rest of this dream is quite hazy. I only rmbr trying very hard to fasten the lock on my metal gate. This time, I felt really scared, as though a pair of malicious eyes were looking at me from a dark hidden corner. My hands kept trembling and I was experiencing panic. I thought I cld never lock the gate. If someone had jumped out suddenly in front of me, I think I would have blacked out. Finally I locked the metal gate and quickly tried to close the heavy wooden door behind the gate. But no matter how quick I tried to be, the door was just too heavy to be closed swiftly. I thought I wld have a heart attack for my heart was beating so hard against my chest. My mind was in a blank and I was so afraid that a sudden force may push the wooden door backwards, disallowing it to close. I didnt know why I was so fearful and horrified. I kept having an ill sense of foreboding. Luckily I dont live alone in rl. The wooden door gave me a sense of security and when it finally closed, I could almost breathe normally again. But I was still fearful because I'm standing so near the door. I felt as though I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. If there was a knock that came immediately, I think I wld have lost my sanity. Let me describe this wooden door abit for I dreamt it to be rather interesting. It could only be opened by me as a matter of fact for the door is locked with my thumbprint. There is a touchscreen at the place where the normal latch would be and to open the door, I wld hav to press my thumb against it.
Throughout the whole dream, panic was with me. Maybe it was the pair of imaginary eyes that could see through doors. That's why I still felt extremely fearful behind the closed door. It was as if I knew the eyes would kill.
The nxt and the last dream which I wld recount is sort of linked to the first two dreams. Exactly how they are linked, I dont know. I only vaguely rmbr these three dreams are linked together by my best friend(she appeared in the 1st dream) and the condominium(in the 2nd dream). I will start with my best friend chasing a grp of thieves in the condominium. Seems like the the heavy wooden door finally gave way and some thieves came in. The feeling was rather different this time. It wasnt fear at all, it was anger and determination. Almost like how a responsible police wld feel when chasing an escaped convict. Honestly, I feel like a police in this part of the dream. The reason why I knew(or thought) I felt anger and determination was because I saw these feelings through the eyes of my best friend. In this dream, I was myself, meaning I was in 1st person's point of view. The previous dream was quite different, I feel as though I am standing right beside "myself", looking at "me" while the dream proceeded.
Back to this dream.
Al long last, the thieves were apprehended and brought to a trial in a huge building. We were on the top floor. Strangely enough, this "court" looked like my school auditorium. lolz. I will skip some details and come to the near end of this dream. It's rather weird but impt that I say at this point of time, that suddenly my mother, brother and sister appeared in this late part of the dream. It was as though they appeared soley to recieve the disaster at the end of this dream. Towards the end of this dream, there were suddenly explosions in the building. The ground beneath me was shaking and dust was falling from the ceiling. The lights kept flickering. I was caught by panic again. We were on the top floor. I realised the building may be about to collaspe and quickly tried to make my way down. My mind was in a whirl again. I imagined what wld happen when the building falls. I got out of the building just in time to see the whole structure collaspe. I was near tears for I was seperated from my mum, bro and sis. I was weeping and sobbing, like many others, circling the dusty remains of the building in frantic, looking for my family. Actually I shldnt say weeping and sobbing, for throughout this whole dream, there wasnt a sound. The feelings were already loud enough though. I was gasping, for I cldnt breathe properly admist tears. Then I saw what I thought was my brother's remains for i recognise the bit of blue(the same blue of a tee which my bro loves) that is peeping out from under the huge piece of cement that took his life. I broke down finally. He was already on the edge of escape, yet he failed to do so. I thought sanity left me finally and I was grief beyond tears. I think I was wheezing. I dont know if it was tears or the cloud of dust that blurred my vision or that I was simply on the verge of black out.
This last kind of dream is rather typical in my dream journal. Didnt know what they represent. It's rather disturbing and tiring that 3/4 of my dreams end with death. The last dream I had some time ago, ended with me carrying my unconscious sister and swimming upsteam against a rapid river. I dont know if it was the long dreaming process or the sense of helplessness and lost of all hope in me that made me so exhausted when I woke up. Nevertheless, these are still only dreams. I dont think it wld be wise to bring these feelings into everyday life. I reckon the next time before I slp, I better think of a lame joke and slp in a happy mood. Perhaps, the dreams I have wld be happier then.
Back to the topic.
I realise I have to sleep 10-12hrs a day. That is if possible. Normal days I slp only 6hrs. Today is the last day of my school holiday. Today I woke up at 4.30pm(I fall aslp ard 6am) from a rather "exciting sleep". Exactly how exciting it is, I will get to that later. I cldnt get to slp initially, cos the morning light was already shining through the window. I cant stand slping in light. They make me quite irritable, esp when I'm trying to relax myself. Maybe the next time I wld get something to cover my eyes. It is impt that I mention the conditions in which I fall aslp as I thought they may be accountable for disturbed slp I have ltr on.
Perhaps, the reason why I slp for so long is because I dream alot. The fragments of the dreams that are still on my mind are rather hazy already. But I will try my best to recount. Many books that I read about dreams indicated that feelings are the most important aspect of dreams. Many people think it is the incident in your dreams that counts. So, I will try my best to relate the feelings that I had when I'm dreaming.
The 1st dream that I had, is about St.John Ambulance Brigade. The brigade which I had joined in secondary school. This brigade left me many lingering memories and I also made my best friend in there. As a matter of fact, "The Land of no Rays" was written in memory of my ambulance team.
Back to my dream.
I dreamt that I was back in secondary school and been made the parade commander of my squad. Hahaha.. quite impossible in reality, since I had offended alot of the senior officers and it is quite likely that the school cleaner became the commander before I do. Nonetheless, I had dreamt it this way. Then duno for what reason, we were all suddenly seated in front of the chief commisioner (a high ranking officer) listening to her talk. And duno for wadever reason again, I was suddenly caught in a battle of words with her. I think it was because she found me whispering to my best friend(she was sitting beside me). Quite a lame reason. But I won the 'battle' with many colorful words and 歪理 and I felt a great sense of triumph. It was rather like beating up the school bully or rendering the snappy discipline mistress speechless.
The next scene, I was returning home. This time, I went forward in time and I felt (rather than know) like an adult.(dont laugh too long at this =x)
It wasnt the home that I am living in now. It's a condominium. I quickly found out that I am living alone(in my dream). The rest of this dream is quite hazy. I only rmbr trying very hard to fasten the lock on my metal gate. This time, I felt really scared, as though a pair of malicious eyes were looking at me from a dark hidden corner. My hands kept trembling and I was experiencing panic. I thought I cld never lock the gate. If someone had jumped out suddenly in front of me, I think I would have blacked out. Finally I locked the metal gate and quickly tried to close the heavy wooden door behind the gate. But no matter how quick I tried to be, the door was just too heavy to be closed swiftly. I thought I wld have a heart attack for my heart was beating so hard against my chest. My mind was in a blank and I was so afraid that a sudden force may push the wooden door backwards, disallowing it to close. I didnt know why I was so fearful and horrified. I kept having an ill sense of foreboding. Luckily I dont live alone in rl. The wooden door gave me a sense of security and when it finally closed, I could almost breathe normally again. But I was still fearful because I'm standing so near the door. I felt as though I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. If there was a knock that came immediately, I think I wld have lost my sanity. Let me describe this wooden door abit for I dreamt it to be rather interesting. It could only be opened by me as a matter of fact for the door is locked with my thumbprint. There is a touchscreen at the place where the normal latch would be and to open the door, I wld hav to press my thumb against it.
Throughout the whole dream, panic was with me. Maybe it was the pair of imaginary eyes that could see through doors. That's why I still felt extremely fearful behind the closed door. It was as if I knew the eyes would kill.
The nxt and the last dream which I wld recount is sort of linked to the first two dreams. Exactly how they are linked, I dont know. I only vaguely rmbr these three dreams are linked together by my best friend(she appeared in the 1st dream) and the condominium(in the 2nd dream). I will start with my best friend chasing a grp of thieves in the condominium. Seems like the the heavy wooden door finally gave way and some thieves came in. The feeling was rather different this time. It wasnt fear at all, it was anger and determination. Almost like how a responsible police wld feel when chasing an escaped convict. Honestly, I feel like a police in this part of the dream. The reason why I knew(or thought) I felt anger and determination was because I saw these feelings through the eyes of my best friend. In this dream, I was myself, meaning I was in 1st person's point of view. The previous dream was quite different, I feel as though I am standing right beside "myself", looking at "me" while the dream proceeded.
Back to this dream.
Al long last, the thieves were apprehended and brought to a trial in a huge building. We were on the top floor. Strangely enough, this "court" looked like my school auditorium. lolz. I will skip some details and come to the near end of this dream. It's rather weird but impt that I say at this point of time, that suddenly my mother, brother and sister appeared in this late part of the dream. It was as though they appeared soley to recieve the disaster at the end of this dream. Towards the end of this dream, there were suddenly explosions in the building. The ground beneath me was shaking and dust was falling from the ceiling. The lights kept flickering. I was caught by panic again. We were on the top floor. I realised the building may be about to collaspe and quickly tried to make my way down. My mind was in a whirl again. I imagined what wld happen when the building falls. I got out of the building just in time to see the whole structure collaspe. I was near tears for I was seperated from my mum, bro and sis. I was weeping and sobbing, like many others, circling the dusty remains of the building in frantic, looking for my family. Actually I shldnt say weeping and sobbing, for throughout this whole dream, there wasnt a sound. The feelings were already loud enough though. I was gasping, for I cldnt breathe properly admist tears. Then I saw what I thought was my brother's remains for i recognise the bit of blue(the same blue of a tee which my bro loves) that is peeping out from under the huge piece of cement that took his life. I broke down finally. He was already on the edge of escape, yet he failed to do so. I thought sanity left me finally and I was grief beyond tears. I think I was wheezing. I dont know if it was tears or the cloud of dust that blurred my vision or that I was simply on the verge of black out.
This last kind of dream is rather typical in my dream journal. Didnt know what they represent. It's rather disturbing and tiring that 3/4 of my dreams end with death. The last dream I had some time ago, ended with me carrying my unconscious sister and swimming upsteam against a rapid river. I dont know if it was the long dreaming process or the sense of helplessness and lost of all hope in me that made me so exhausted when I woke up. Nevertheless, these are still only dreams. I dont think it wld be wise to bring these feelings into everyday life. I reckon the next time before I slp, I better think of a lame joke and slp in a happy mood. Perhaps, the dreams I have wld be happier then.
Saturday, June 25, 2005
A sudden troubled thought
Well, something suddenly struck me. Should I have posted all these when someone (ok you know who =x, well, you are reading this =x) is reading? T_T
I feel abit vulnerable and well, ashamed.(Imagine me bowing my head and weeping =x)
Ought to have preserved a nicer image of myself instead of acting like a troubled and unsatisfied kid.
T_T
p.s. this is really a sudden thought.
I feel abit vulnerable and well, ashamed.(Imagine me bowing my head and weeping =x)
Ought to have preserved a nicer image of myself instead of acting like a troubled and unsatisfied kid.
T_T
p.s. this is really a sudden thought.
Sidetrack alittle (actually, it's alot)
I'm feeling especially wordy today... haha...but lemme post what I have to say in case for the rest of the weeks I have nothing to say. Alot of the things, as my reader may already have noticed, are simply repetition and colorful words put together =x but I only post here when I need a confidant. Surely u must be thinking, there are people out there who would lend u a listening ear. But given my personality, I doubt I would tell my tale in an honest way.
Let me describe a bit of myself.. haha. I honestly think I am not a sympathetic person. Neither do I have the cool wit of an unfeeling judge. It's like somewhere stuck in the middle. Like a apprentice trying to pass off as a master. Remotely brilliant. The skill is just not quite there yet. I do not have enough knowledge to backup the cool appearance. =x So, this sums me up to being unfeeling or just, dazed. (alrite. i think the apprentice example is not apt..lolz)
I have a CD personality (not the CD u listen to). This comes from a DISC personality test. Allow me to spend some boring moments to describe it. CD is what we call a "designer" personality. Highly task oriented and sensitive to problems. Creative, determined, analytical. (gosh, am I praising myself? =x nah...jus reading from the book) They try to do everything correct while simultaneously avoiding failure. however, they are not sensitive to the needs of others. And it is very unlikely that u find sympathy in the C personalities. Sympathy belongs to the S personality. The descriptions of other personalities are only available upon request. =x
Hmm...I think that is why I dont have a bf till now. =x Guys apparently like girls who feed stray kittens and cry over tsunami victims. Not that I am cold hearted, but I cant bring myself to put up an act of weeping and mourning. The moment I am confronted with these things, I actually feel abit helpless.
I spend alot of time thinking, dreaming and wasting time..lolz. I feel abit lost at the moment. That's why you see so many posts this month. I'm trying to sort out what I'm thinking and take out some of the rubbish that's on my mind. Perhaps that shld create some space for maths formulas =.=.
I am not a good listener.(But i try to be. Listening is a very impt art and extremely useful when u wanna appear serious =x) I normally do not enjoy being called a sufferer of depression.(This may be what some people think about me..lols) That's why I need a mute confidant =p haha...it's abit of an overstatement. And it is extremely unhealthy to live in one's own world. So, this returns to the purpose of owning a blog.
As a matter of fact, I enjoy chatting. Though i dont know if people would enjoy chatting with me. Hahaha...few people I know in real life enjoy the same things as me. Sometimes I wish I were older and already have a degree so that I may travel around the world and find the true meaning of life. I feel so restricted now, so little time for me to explore this colorful world. I feel so unsupported and so "out" with the friends around me mugging. They always say the same thing to me when I told them I'm not studying for an exam. They say, "but u are so clever, without studying u would still scrape a pass." I feel like crying. I worry as much as they worry about grades but my heart cant settle down. My mind would always be thinking of something else. Haiz...I need a shoulder again. When I get back my grades, no one would bother that I flunk like there's no tmr. I'm upset but people would say "but you are so clever, if u HAD studied, u wld have done really well!" Perhaps I would. Perhaps it was a mistake to study science.
Literature would have suited me fairly well. I love history too... haha.. I like photography and I like visiting museums =x I guess I'm the only one in class who likes that...lolz. I often envision myself walking up the beautiful streets of Venice and eating ice cream while looking at antique rings and clocks. When I am bored of eating ice cream, I wld imagine myself drinking coffee in a beautiful and rustic coffeehouse.. hahaha... I love the aroma of coffee beans. But dont ask me to name the different brands of coffee >.< I dont hav an inkling to that. But I wouldnt mind listening to another coffee lover blabbering to me about that either =p But...so far I only know of another staunch coffee lover. hehe. Apparently people around me dont have that kind of erm..likings. Or maybe it is because i know too little people. Honestly, how many 18 yr old do you know that would like coffee? Sometimes, I would imagine meeting some1 nice and gentlemanly treating me to coffee in a coffeehouse. =x Alas, I have to imagine all this while seated in my tiny and messy room =p
I read and re-read touching love tales and imagine myself back in medieval times =x picturing my gallant knight in shining and his beautiful horse. When i cannot get enough of these, I write my own tales =x hahaha
I cant get to sleep because being awake is so much more enjoyable, I can choose to think of what makes me happy and chat with people that makes me happy =x hehe.. My dreams are disturbing. Perhaps the next time I would post my dream journal here..hehe
A few of my friends commented that I am quite a boring person to be with. hahaha...perhaps because I cannot share their passion for the newest gossip in school. lolz...if I start talking to them about how my wedding should be held, I think they would have thought that I think too much. hahaha....perhaps my thoughts are not suitable for my age. Perhaps my real life just isnt interesting enough. But never mind, perhaps things would change a little when I get to U in a a yr's time. Then I may have more freedom, but still, it may not...lolz
I like flowers too. I think flowers are romantic =x Though my nose just cant stand pollen grains. They are abit sensitive to this kind of things. Given a choice, I would have decorated my bedroom like a flower nursery, lolz. But I think flowers dont survive well in air con or electric powered light. =x I have an air purifier in my room tho, and I refill it with lavender essenced water (is thr this term? lolz) every other day.
Hmm..you may be thinking I need to get a life. =x lolz...actually the reason why I dun publicise my blog is because I think my friends would feel intimidated or affronted by what I write. Alrite, these may be too big words, I'll try to think of other words in the meantime. Now u know why I need a muted confidant. I dont really enjoy objections to my opinions =x...ok..I know this is really dictatorial...lolz..many times, I just cant someone who can share similar feelings. T_T I need some love =x hahaha...I think everyone needs love. Romance is a great medicine. Similar to humor. They make things like grinding beans so much more enjoyable =p
Maybe I dream too much. Some people say this is a kind of irresponsible habbit. Honestly, if people in singapore is more arty farty, I may find new life in a writer's career =x hahaha...I'm thinking too highly of myself. When I read the works of another close friend, I feel abit..erm..hehe..tiny again. I doubt a prose made up by my mere opinions would be very appealing to an editor. But a writer always take pride in his works. Even for just 1 reader, a writer would make it an effort to perfect his works. Just like a performer, a dancer or a busker for an instance, even if they only hav 1 audience(singular =x), it would have made everything so much more worthwhile. This is what I call a true lover of art. Many may seek to differ though. Reality doesnt work that way, they would say. But what is art without some distance away from worldly discharge. (Doesnt matter if u cant quite get wad this sentence means, I cant find the correct words to use...lolz)
Just words. Empty words...haiz...and this brings me back to reality. Feeling abit upset again haha..
Am I getting too boring? hahaha...alrite, I'll end here and wait for the next time I feel wordy again.
Let me describe a bit of myself.. haha. I honestly think I am not a sympathetic person. Neither do I have the cool wit of an unfeeling judge. It's like somewhere stuck in the middle. Like a apprentice trying to pass off as a master. Remotely brilliant. The skill is just not quite there yet. I do not have enough knowledge to backup the cool appearance. =x So, this sums me up to being unfeeling or just, dazed. (alrite. i think the apprentice example is not apt..lolz)
I have a CD personality (not the CD u listen to). This comes from a DISC personality test. Allow me to spend some boring moments to describe it. CD is what we call a "designer" personality. Highly task oriented and sensitive to problems. Creative, determined, analytical. (gosh, am I praising myself? =x nah...jus reading from the book) They try to do everything correct while simultaneously avoiding failure. however, they are not sensitive to the needs of others. And it is very unlikely that u find sympathy in the C personalities. Sympathy belongs to the S personality. The descriptions of other personalities are only available upon request. =x
Hmm...I think that is why I dont have a bf till now. =x Guys apparently like girls who feed stray kittens and cry over tsunami victims. Not that I am cold hearted, but I cant bring myself to put up an act of weeping and mourning. The moment I am confronted with these things, I actually feel abit helpless.
I spend alot of time thinking, dreaming and wasting time..lolz. I feel abit lost at the moment. That's why you see so many posts this month. I'm trying to sort out what I'm thinking and take out some of the rubbish that's on my mind. Perhaps that shld create some space for maths formulas =.=.
I am not a good listener.(But i try to be. Listening is a very impt art and extremely useful when u wanna appear serious =x) I normally do not enjoy being called a sufferer of depression.(This may be what some people think about me..lols) That's why I need a mute confidant =p haha...it's abit of an overstatement. And it is extremely unhealthy to live in one's own world. So, this returns to the purpose of owning a blog.
As a matter of fact, I enjoy chatting. Though i dont know if people would enjoy chatting with me. Hahaha...few people I know in real life enjoy the same things as me. Sometimes I wish I were older and already have a degree so that I may travel around the world and find the true meaning of life. I feel so restricted now, so little time for me to explore this colorful world. I feel so unsupported and so "out" with the friends around me mugging. They always say the same thing to me when I told them I'm not studying for an exam. They say, "but u are so clever, without studying u would still scrape a pass." I feel like crying. I worry as much as they worry about grades but my heart cant settle down. My mind would always be thinking of something else. Haiz...I need a shoulder again. When I get back my grades, no one would bother that I flunk like there's no tmr. I'm upset but people would say "but you are so clever, if u HAD studied, u wld have done really well!" Perhaps I would. Perhaps it was a mistake to study science.
Literature would have suited me fairly well. I love history too... haha.. I like photography and I like visiting museums =x I guess I'm the only one in class who likes that...lolz. I often envision myself walking up the beautiful streets of Venice and eating ice cream while looking at antique rings and clocks. When I am bored of eating ice cream, I wld imagine myself drinking coffee in a beautiful and rustic coffeehouse.. hahaha... I love the aroma of coffee beans. But dont ask me to name the different brands of coffee >.< I dont hav an inkling to that. But I wouldnt mind listening to another coffee lover blabbering to me about that either =p But...so far I only know of another staunch coffee lover. hehe. Apparently people around me dont have that kind of erm..likings. Or maybe it is because i know too little people. Honestly, how many 18 yr old do you know that would like coffee? Sometimes, I would imagine meeting some1 nice and gentlemanly treating me to coffee in a coffeehouse. =x Alas, I have to imagine all this while seated in my tiny and messy room =p
I read and re-read touching love tales and imagine myself back in medieval times =x picturing my gallant knight in shining and his beautiful horse. When i cannot get enough of these, I write my own tales =x hahaha
I cant get to sleep because being awake is so much more enjoyable, I can choose to think of what makes me happy and chat with people that makes me happy =x hehe.. My dreams are disturbing. Perhaps the next time I would post my dream journal here..hehe
A few of my friends commented that I am quite a boring person to be with. hahaha...perhaps because I cannot share their passion for the newest gossip in school. lolz...if I start talking to them about how my wedding should be held, I think they would have thought that I think too much. hahaha....perhaps my thoughts are not suitable for my age. Perhaps my real life just isnt interesting enough. But never mind, perhaps things would change a little when I get to U in a a yr's time. Then I may have more freedom, but still, it may not...lolz
I like flowers too. I think flowers are romantic =x Though my nose just cant stand pollen grains. They are abit sensitive to this kind of things. Given a choice, I would have decorated my bedroom like a flower nursery, lolz. But I think flowers dont survive well in air con or electric powered light. =x I have an air purifier in my room tho, and I refill it with lavender essenced water (is thr this term? lolz) every other day.
Hmm..you may be thinking I need to get a life. =x lolz...actually the reason why I dun publicise my blog is because I think my friends would feel intimidated or affronted by what I write. Alrite, these may be too big words, I'll try to think of other words in the meantime. Now u know why I need a muted confidant. I dont really enjoy objections to my opinions =x...ok..I know this is really dictatorial...lolz..many times, I just cant someone who can share similar feelings. T_T I need some love =x hahaha...I think everyone needs love. Romance is a great medicine. Similar to humor. They make things like grinding beans so much more enjoyable =p
Maybe I dream too much. Some people say this is a kind of irresponsible habbit. Honestly, if people in singapore is more arty farty, I may find new life in a writer's career =x hahaha...I'm thinking too highly of myself. When I read the works of another close friend, I feel abit..erm..hehe..tiny again. I doubt a prose made up by my mere opinions would be very appealing to an editor. But a writer always take pride in his works. Even for just 1 reader, a writer would make it an effort to perfect his works. Just like a performer, a dancer or a busker for an instance, even if they only hav 1 audience(singular =x), it would have made everything so much more worthwhile. This is what I call a true lover of art. Many may seek to differ though. Reality doesnt work that way, they would say. But what is art without some distance away from worldly discharge. (Doesnt matter if u cant quite get wad this sentence means, I cant find the correct words to use...lolz)
Just words. Empty words...haiz...and this brings me back to reality. Feeling abit upset again haha..
Am I getting too boring? hahaha...alrite, I'll end here and wait for the next time I feel wordy again.
Forlorn
How shld I describe this feeling that's on a rampage in my body?
Should I say it is a robber, who steals my happy memories, or a closed door, which shuts me off joyness?
Or a dish that went bad and a party ruined.
Issit the starless sky or the empty street. Or just a glazed window without curtains?
Perhaps it is a key that never opens any door or a flower that wiltered as a bud.
Or just a story without an ending.
Maybe it is a pail with a hole or a net that doesnt catch.
A poor fish without fins or a bird with no wings. (oh my, this rhymes, wasnt deliberate =x)
Peering through the window, thinking of the time that slips by. Looking at the patch of grass that had been there since I moved in. What would it be like if you gave it a brain some legs and a voice? Is this out of topic? lolz
Feeling forlorn. A feeling of sadness twinged with hope. A dash of joyness coupled with helplessness.
Should I say it is a robber, who steals my happy memories, or a closed door, which shuts me off joyness?
Or a dish that went bad and a party ruined.
Issit the starless sky or the empty street. Or just a glazed window without curtains?
Perhaps it is a key that never opens any door or a flower that wiltered as a bud.
Or just a story without an ending.
Maybe it is a pail with a hole or a net that doesnt catch.
A poor fish without fins or a bird with no wings. (oh my, this rhymes, wasnt deliberate =x)
Peering through the window, thinking of the time that slips by. Looking at the patch of grass that had been there since I moved in. What would it be like if you gave it a brain some legs and a voice? Is this out of topic? lolz
Feeling forlorn. A feeling of sadness twinged with hope. A dash of joyness coupled with helplessness.
When you feel so tiny
Alas, I cant help feeling tiny, unread, ignorant, naive. Hahaha...I guess this means there is a lack of confidence somewhere. The more people I know the worse I feel. Especially in front of such a confident, know-all guy that I am fond of, I feel that I am shrinking at an alarming rate.
I cant write romantic things. I cant cry over touching stories. I cant flaunt my knowledge on technical stuff (cos i dun hav the knowledge in the 1st place) and I cant talk about the greatest artists in the 18th century. I cant explain the function of a case cooler without sounding like a bubblebrained beach bum and I cant make a comment without sounding like I am flirting.
Alas, I feel so tiny. So eager to prove yet so tactless in the process. Like someone at the bottom of the well, so impressed by the spot of sunlight above his head. Leaping, jumping and grabbing the space above his head in glee. We all know it is a futile attempt to catch sunlight in fists or to get out of the well by mere jumping. We all know. But the person in the well wont know.
I cant write romantic things. I cant cry over touching stories. I cant flaunt my knowledge on technical stuff (cos i dun hav the knowledge in the 1st place) and I cant talk about the greatest artists in the 18th century. I cant explain the function of a case cooler without sounding like a bubblebrained beach bum and I cant make a comment without sounding like I am flirting.
Alas, I feel so tiny. So eager to prove yet so tactless in the process. Like someone at the bottom of the well, so impressed by the spot of sunlight above his head. Leaping, jumping and grabbing the space above his head in glee. We all know it is a futile attempt to catch sunlight in fists or to get out of the well by mere jumping. We all know. But the person in the well wont know.
Friday, June 24, 2005
It is June
It is June already...at least I made an effort to post ere...tho I doubt anyone is reading my blog.. haha...I didnt tell alot of people aboutthis blog of mine. Only a small number of close friends know and I doubt that my rate of posting made this blog very interesting. =p
I used to have a nicer and bigger blog with nice music and nice background and I have long forgotten the name of the account for there was a bleak period in my life I tried very hard to erase sorrowful memories. The old blog was dedicated entirely to those sinful thoughts. I have a few backup copies of those things that I have wrote back then and out of the blue, I decided to post them in this blog. There are 4 articles in all, namely, The Dark Forest, Why does the world breeds sorrow, The Land of no rays and Final Illusioning. (p.s. I have a special liking for Final Illusioning) All of them which i had posted just today. =) (Ignore the date, I wrote them a few years back.) As a matter of fact, I miss my old blog and some of the old posts..haha.. I personally think this blog isnt very user-friendly. I cant find all the articles and there isnt enough buttons for me to navigate. Nonetheless, it is still my blog..and I can speak my mind in it ^^
So, what is the purpose of this post? =) I duno either...hehe... Just to put what I have on my mind to words. Not worth reading. Opps...but you have read till the end. =p
I used to have a nicer and bigger blog with nice music and nice background and I have long forgotten the name of the account for there was a bleak period in my life I tried very hard to erase sorrowful memories. The old blog was dedicated entirely to those sinful thoughts. I have a few backup copies of those things that I have wrote back then and out of the blue, I decided to post them in this blog. There are 4 articles in all, namely, The Dark Forest, Why does the world breeds sorrow, The Land of no rays and Final Illusioning. (p.s. I have a special liking for Final Illusioning) All of them which i had posted just today. =) (Ignore the date, I wrote them a few years back.) As a matter of fact, I miss my old blog and some of the old posts..haha.. I personally think this blog isnt very user-friendly. I cant find all the articles and there isnt enough buttons for me to navigate. Nonetheless, it is still my blog..and I can speak my mind in it ^^
So, what is the purpose of this post? =) I duno either...hehe... Just to put what I have on my mind to words. Not worth reading. Opps...but you have read till the end. =p
The Dark Forest
If I could imagine what my feelings and predicament now, I would say I am in the heart of a forest, forgotten, dark and lonely. No light penetrates the dark shafts of the forest floor and no birds sang in this lonely land. Nervousness and fear fills every inch of my body and soul until I feel I would break down. Sometimes I cry to pass the time and sometimes I try to walk my way to light, but each proved a dead end. I feel despair, as though my heart would never know joy again. All the warmth and smiles seemed to have forsaken me, or the forest and its terrible darkness. I feel isolated, scared and apprehensive. I am distraught.
The exact sorrow that I feel now, no one would ever try to know or comprehend. I feel completely engulfed by gloom and feel as if I had turned into part of darkness. The little happiness that had lived in my memories now seemed so distant a dream that I fear they were insane thoughts.
How I wish this eternal night would come to an end. This devilish nightmare is turning me into a crazed soul and I fear when the day comes and my mind can’t take it anymore, the ground, though cold and hard, would become my last resting place, where my heart though laden with depress, would find peace and stillness at last.
The exact sorrow that I feel now, no one would ever try to know or comprehend. I feel completely engulfed by gloom and feel as if I had turned into part of darkness. The little happiness that had lived in my memories now seemed so distant a dream that I fear they were insane thoughts.
How I wish this eternal night would come to an end. This devilish nightmare is turning me into a crazed soul and I fear when the day comes and my mind can’t take it anymore, the ground, though cold and hard, would become my last resting place, where my heart though laden with depress, would find peace and stillness at last.
Why does the world breeds sorrow
Why does the world breeds sorrow?
Are promises always empty?
The photographs capture joy,
So why don’t they retain it?
Nothing would describe the way my heart now wrenches, how I wish someone would lend me a shoulder to cry upon.
But I know, no matter how hard I yearn, how much tears are wasted, yesterday would never return.
Tomorrow is fraught with dangers.
I anticipate, I fear.
My body is filled with regret or is it not?
My head hurts from thinking as the turmoil inside me finds no way out.
It seems as though bursting and no one would understand it.
Why can I seek solace and relief?
No even words would describe 1 fraction of how I feel now.
My heart hurts from too much yearning and I feel I would burst into a million pieces from too much agony.
Are promises always empty?
The photographs capture joy,
So why don’t they retain it?
Nothing would describe the way my heart now wrenches, how I wish someone would lend me a shoulder to cry upon.
But I know, no matter how hard I yearn, how much tears are wasted, yesterday would never return.
Tomorrow is fraught with dangers.
I anticipate, I fear.
My body is filled with regret or is it not?
My head hurts from thinking as the turmoil inside me finds no way out.
It seems as though bursting and no one would understand it.
Why can I seek solace and relief?
No even words would describe 1 fraction of how I feel now.
My heart hurts from too much yearning and I feel I would burst into a million pieces from too much agony.
The Land of no Rays
With tears of sorrow we despair. With cries of charging we cease rest.
With renewal of undying hope we swear never to cry. With surge of new strength we rejoice.
Victory in hidden eyes,
Desire deep inside.
Since the day fate joins five,
It seemed
they were doomed to die.
One never did look back,
Two never did see in eyes,
Three were up in rise.
When at last the four appear,
They thought days of clearing were near.
But as wicked as things would be
More woes await them.
Dark again are the ways
In these times of troubled days.
Amidst clouds of frays
Who but would have guessed?
It had bred some unnerving ways.
Etched in hate,
And armed with quests,
Four have sworn to always stay.
Isolated they may be
But not alone, they cried!
Let the storms beat,
Or let the boats sink,
Four will stick and die.
Despite thorns that laid the road,
And tears that counted time,
Courage was born and lived.
Thus, Destiny took pity,
Light too, took them in.
Alas, they have lasted to see clear high skies.
Of one, their hearts now thump.
Forever they fight
Arm to arm
Down to the last teeth
And they will still say,
With tears of sorrow we once despair.
With cries of charging we now cease rest.
With renewal of undying hope we swore never to cry.
With surge of new strength we rejoice.
But,
Don’t you dare mirror us!
For agony won’t spare.
Long has the time they seen gay,
Long has the time they known jays.
But rest assured,
They have prayed:
Our spirit shall always remain
Till the day, land sees
its last of rays.
With renewal of undying hope we swear never to cry. With surge of new strength we rejoice.
Victory in hidden eyes,
Desire deep inside.
Since the day fate joins five,
It seemed
they were doomed to die.
One never did look back,
Two never did see in eyes,
Three were up in rise.
When at last the four appear,
They thought days of clearing were near.
But as wicked as things would be
More woes await them.
Dark again are the ways
In these times of troubled days.
Amidst clouds of frays
Who but would have guessed?
It had bred some unnerving ways.
Etched in hate,
And armed with quests,
Four have sworn to always stay.
Isolated they may be
But not alone, they cried!
Let the storms beat,
Or let the boats sink,
Four will stick and die.
Despite thorns that laid the road,
And tears that counted time,
Courage was born and lived.
Thus, Destiny took pity,
Light too, took them in.
Alas, they have lasted to see clear high skies.
Of one, their hearts now thump.
Forever they fight
Arm to arm
Down to the last teeth
And they will still say,
With tears of sorrow we once despair.
With cries of charging we now cease rest.
With renewal of undying hope we swore never to cry.
With surge of new strength we rejoice.
But,
Don’t you dare mirror us!
For agony won’t spare.
Long has the time they seen gay,
Long has the time they known jays.
But rest assured,
They have prayed:
Our spirit shall always remain
Till the day, land sees
its last of rays.
Final Illusioning
So many times, the monster we call Lost, would be by our side, creating this feeling of panic surging inside you, including the silent, desperate call of help.
These, are eating you away.
The power, overwhelming.
Imagine standing on a stretch of busy road. Everyone is scurrying pass you, headed for a certain destination, but, you are watching in a daze, at a loss of what to do.
You stand, stranded.
The image blurs, everything starts to spin, your head starts to swim and your mind is in a whirl. Distress seizes you.
It's nauseating. It's never ending.
The only thing you want to do is to swear and curse at the top of your voice, deep inside wishing that things would return to normal.
You are putting on a brave front against Lost.
Imagine standing on the deck of a cruise ship, powered only by the huge, merciless waves of the Pacific Ocean. The fuel had run out, the hope had diminished, the fighting spirit had died. Ugly and treacherous waves crash onto the deck, the vast, black ocean threatening to drown the ship and all. You watch on fearfully, not knowing the shivering is a result of coldness, fright or hunger. Your heart thumps so hard against your chest that it feels as if it would force its way out anytime.
Your ship stands in the middle of nowhere.
A thousand cries away from home, literally.
You are fighting a losing battle against Lost.
You cuddle yourself for warmth, praying that the waves would stop beating onto the fragile sides of the ship that is holding everything together. You would feel almost suffocated, by the damp air and your fear.
You stand, stranded.
The only thing you want to do now, isn't to fight against this powerful storm. No, you have no more will, no more strength. Courage had simply ran out on you.
The only thing you want to do now, is to sit down and burry your head in sobs, hoping that by some miraculous means, home, would find its way to you.
Let go.
Let the tears flow, let distress apeace your soul.
Only then may we hope to find the light of true courage, the light of direction, leading us the way, in the pitch dark, ardous road ahead of us.
There is still a long hard way ahead of us. May the light be found
These, are eating you away.
The power, overwhelming.
Imagine standing on a stretch of busy road. Everyone is scurrying pass you, headed for a certain destination, but, you are watching in a daze, at a loss of what to do.
You stand, stranded.
The image blurs, everything starts to spin, your head starts to swim and your mind is in a whirl. Distress seizes you.
It's nauseating. It's never ending.
The only thing you want to do is to swear and curse at the top of your voice, deep inside wishing that things would return to normal.
You are putting on a brave front against Lost.
Imagine standing on the deck of a cruise ship, powered only by the huge, merciless waves of the Pacific Ocean. The fuel had run out, the hope had diminished, the fighting spirit had died. Ugly and treacherous waves crash onto the deck, the vast, black ocean threatening to drown the ship and all. You watch on fearfully, not knowing the shivering is a result of coldness, fright or hunger. Your heart thumps so hard against your chest that it feels as if it would force its way out anytime.
Your ship stands in the middle of nowhere.
A thousand cries away from home, literally.
You are fighting a losing battle against Lost.
You cuddle yourself for warmth, praying that the waves would stop beating onto the fragile sides of the ship that is holding everything together. You would feel almost suffocated, by the damp air and your fear.
You stand, stranded.
The only thing you want to do now, isn't to fight against this powerful storm. No, you have no more will, no more strength. Courage had simply ran out on you.
The only thing you want to do now, is to sit down and burry your head in sobs, hoping that by some miraculous means, home, would find its way to you.
Let go.
Let the tears flow, let distress apeace your soul.
Only then may we hope to find the light of true courage, the light of direction, leading us the way, in the pitch dark, ardous road ahead of us.
There is still a long hard way ahead of us. May the light be found
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