Affairs of the heart

Today, on msn, an old friend asked me a very old question. This question compelled me to make this post even though all the datelines are pressing me at the moment.

She asked, "what do u look out for in relationships? .......i mean the ONE"

I think it is the most asked question in women, young or old. When I was younger and more romantic and more idealistic, I had alot of thoughts and dreams on it too. But now when she asked me so suddenly, I find that, I have no fervour for it at all.

One that suits your needs? To quote from her " it's like u noe it when u see tt person,
nt love at first sight, but something deeper, it's like this connection, tt u KNOW the person." "A soulmate who completes your life and does things best for you." "A life partner...your other half.."

I am sure these words resonates with the "natural frequency" of many people out there.
To these questions I have alot of "practical" and "unromantic" answers. But the question which I find it hard to answer is "dont you have this desire too?"

If I can answer in percentage, I would say, 5% yes, 95% no. Bcos, I know, I believe, I think, there no such good thing in life.

I dunno how to respond. I may have met such a person in the past, but in the end, I have to spend nearly a year to forget him.

And then I know in real life, there is so much more at stake. So much more to contribute and compromise than just....you know he is THE ONE. There is not only love in this world, very sadly. Sometimes, things are so hard, initially you think he is the one...but eventually it turns out not to be. In those times, I can churn out essays and poems and things like that...the artistic side of me which I love and treasure and I feel I can dance in my own poems, my own feelings. Even when sorrow creeps in, I can dance alongside with it, albeit alone....yet there is romanticsm and beauty in it.

But all I can think now of is praticalism, if there is such a word. Is there money for petrol? Is there enough sleep? How will work be affected? What responsibilities can you bear? Etc etc.

In how many months or years have I not written a story, or a poem?

I simply find no surge within me, no inspriation no poetism no romanticsm.......

This post's tone ends with a dull and sorrowful mode...yet still unconvinced of the romanticsm involved with Affairs of the Heart

The Duedate Article

Due date due date, everything is due date. So vexing!!!

Sian ah! Borrowed 7 books for history, due on 27th and 28th, now is 25th, I havent finish half of them!! GRRRRR........and the history research essay is due on 1 April, due date due date die date la!!

And it is not the only due date I have to deal with lor.
Polictics cross article comparison essay 3000 words, due date on dunno 7 or 11 April la!!
POLITICS again, 18 article scrapbook plus commentary assignment, due date dunno when again la!! Stupid dumb polictics in SEA, dunno how to collect the articles. And each source that we use, for e.g., we cannot take more than 9 articles (50%), and we must have at least articles from 6 different sources! BLEH WITH A BIG B! I have no idea what the lecturer is talking about with no notes no slides just some photographs and his own prepared speech. And all this module's tutorials are jokes! Bcos we simply dunno what the whole point is!

Due date again! Environmental science for building...ya the lectures on acoustics really shiok but please la...again the tutorials/lab are crap! Ask as to do report but didnt give us format or word limit. Write wad???? And due date on 3rd april again!!

And due date for waiting for bf? Forever!
Wait for 12h hr shift to end. Then wait for him to replenish sleep. Then wait for him to reply sms. Then wait for him to return call. If lucky, then wait for him to come from Bedok to Bukit Panjang. If lucky hor! Bedok to BP!

Due date again!! The due date for the fry to pop out of my double sword tail guppy stomach is past 3 months already liao! I wait and wait and wait. I think she ate up her own fry lor! There goes my double sword tail.
Ytd collected 5 fry from my speartail male and normal orange tail female. Haiz. Not totally happy. Cos my purebreed speartail female which cost me $35 died while pregnant zzzzzzz so I just anyhow pick a female and breed with the surviving speartail mail. Dunno how the babies will turn out. Now they are just...visible by their black eyes. My guess is they are only about 3mm long.
About my moscow blacks fry, they are about 2 months + now but still so small, about 1.2cm bah I think. Still young but I think I spotted 2 tiger breeds. See they grow up le then how bah...
Still moscow black breeds are not as valuable or precious as my golden cobra speartail, sigh

Stupid datelines and essays. All fail la! The best. No honours! I just want open a canteen stall in some primary school or secondary school.

Again the weightiness on the heart

Kind of heavily depressed today. I guess anyone would feel that way if you are relying on someone for comfort and relief but that someone ignores you. Even when the ignoring is deliberate or explainable, the damage is done. Soon it will escalate into something worse. It will store and build up in your heart, one day, when you least notice it, you have already built up so much grievance that you will break free.

Most of the time I try to understand, but things are just so hard. I need you to be there to cope with me, to help me, to provide a solution for me. But...you are just not there.

It has been raining and raining for the past few days. As I was going home this evening, it was pouring like nobody's business. I was simply thinking....is the dirty rainwater seeping through the soil and dirtying my baby guinea pig's body? How would he feel? I feel so bad...I cant even protect his body..

Death of my Bubu

I thought of him last night in bed. I sang and sang and all I remembered was him. I started crying thinking where he would be now, and where he is burried now...in the towel that I used to carry him each time. Is he living well on the other side of the bridge? Is he eating well? Is he scared? Is he lonely? Is he exploring? Is he happy? Where is he now? Maybe he found mushi and yixiaoli who died yonger than him? Anybody bullying him? Does he miss me? I miss him. But i want him to be in a better place. I think I caused his death.

1st post of March

Just craving, for your attention. Yet now, the only time I can sense you and see you, is only in my dreams.
Last night, I dreamt of you again. Yet even in my dreams, I felt your anger, your displeasure. But in my dreams, I felt your sight. In reality, I felt your wrath.
Your touch is a thousand miles away. Your smile is not even in a dream's place. Your voice is so distant. You asked if I remember your phone call last night. I asked in my heart, if you heard my call for you during each fight.
I didnt want to quarell much with you. But I just want you to know, that I really yearn for you. Yet you seem so distant from me. I want to indulge in you each day. I want you to join in my life, join in my activities, experience my experience, all that I want to share with you, but all these you are absent from. Cant I even grumble abit? You whom I want to share each part of my life with, is absent from it in every way.
When I call you, your voice rejects me in everyway. You ask me why am I crying. I wish you would ask yourself that. The answer lies in your very heart. You know why.
Even in your sms, I feel your indiginity. But can you understand mine? Can you understand the root of mine? The root is I want you this way. But yours, is I dont want you this way. I can see the difference even if you dont.
Each post I make, is futile in its attempt. I know, still I hope you read it and would make some attempts to change. I still am waiting, still waiting and waiting and waiting. Outsiders would ask why. Sometimes I wouldnt reply, for I think it is enough in my heart if I know why. But if one day in my heart I cant find the drive anymore...
You can go to sleep for forget everything. Yet the person that is awake, would feel the agony every minute. I wouldnt make a fuss if I dont care. And if I dont, how long would you take, to realise?
The only thing I feel happy about, is my puppy. She is running about cheerfully in my house. And this morning, I saw my guinea pig looking about 2% better.
My fever and flu have been ongoing for the 5th day already. But where are you?
I saw chicken chop there at my house. Would you come?