Hushed Voices

hush huSH hUSH.... lol (hushed)
hehe..
I just realised I can change the font color! lol, dumb me, =p

Another thing, I think they should put 'about me' 1st , then archives and previous posts on this template. Now pple come to my blog cant see my face at the 1st glance T_T. I think there's way to change it...but I'm not familiar with html language.

hehe =x

I think I'm really starting to look like a p a n d a, boohoo, though a panda is cute =s, but the eyes... and the stomach =x lol... okies, I havent really started to look like a panda yet. Next time I go shopping I think I better get another keyboard, the letters on my 29cm by 14cm keyboard are taking leave one by one. 'M' and 'N' went off to Bali for vacation, 'A' is skiing in Switzerland without asking me along and 'L' took leave without telling me. Now I spot a half 'H' and a half 'S'. grrrr, lol.

This color seems alottle difficult to read, I'll change to this for the next post. =p hehe..
Okies, I'll keep things short to avoid torturing your eyes any further.
Is this short enough? no?! okies I'll make it shorter.
Shorter.
Short.
S
h
o
r
t
Okies, each line is really short, but that makes it looooooonnnnnnngggggggg vertically.
S H O r T
okies this really isnt helping.
WAIT! I said I will make things short, but I'm making short short.
Things.
Thing.
Ting.
Ding. <----I think this is the way 99% of the pple around me pronounce it :x alrite, I admit I pronouce that 50% of thetime too =x lolz. That's the shortest thing I can think up of. The most simplified, original, naked, and SHOrT thing. =P *p.s. actually if u find the color diff to read, u can highlight and read =x but u already read till the end le... muahahaha

Literacy notes

Everyone please read Much Ado About Nothing. I LOVE IT. lolz.
I shant bother to explain it here. =x hahahahaha
I'll only say it's a comedy by shakespeare. lolz. just find online for the summary... hahahaha, simply..visit here =p ---> http://www.gradesaver.com/classicnotes/titles/muchado/

These few weeks have been rather boring and I dont have as much time as before to do things which I enjoy (which includes things like reading a book for the whole day, watching an anime for the whole day, etc etc, lolz, basically things which involve spending lots of time doing little work.) Still, surfing the net is my daily routine and I read about Much Ado About Nothing today, hahaha. And I wrote a 'poem' for the Singapore GaGa thingy, at the request of W.J. =.=. ergh, I wonder if it is enough to make people gaga ornot, only 9 lines and it sounded rather lame to me, hahaha.

I realise, that, my brain is suffering from information overload. I mean, overloaded with things which I prefer them not to be there. And oso, once again, ruefully, reluctantly, I struck some conclusions about certain things and realise my way of thinking had been very wrong indeed. To blindly venture into something so unknown, treacherous, yet so danerously tempting, well, it's simply so unwise.

I've been thinking about my daily routine and my lifestyle, about the lifestyle which I'm leading now and the lifestyle which I used to pursue. Inevitably, reality does not allow me to lead the kind of life I want. I'm still feeling like a canfood, haha. 99 out of 100 people around me are slogging like mad, mugging to say the truth and thinking of nothing else other than academic work. I find that very depressing and completely 'un-alive'. To say the truth, Singapore is a terrible place to live it. People live like robots everyday. No wonder the govt have to import talents. duh. This phrase itself sounds ridiculous to me. But of course, you cant expect someone to have the time to draw for you if 101% of his time is spent on figuring out how to get 101% marks in every paper. I know of several friends who have the talent and passion for arts and music, but the society forces them to make the decision to take courses which is as murderous as adding salt to a leech. This is abit of science, lol, lemme explain why salt is murderous to a leech. When you add salt to a leech, water and every other thing that can diffuse out of the leech, will diffuse, lol, out. The leech becomes dehydrated and dies. This is due to some osmosis logic and the skin factor of the leech. Anyway, by adding salt to a leech, u kill it. Simply look at the proportion of arts and science students in school. 20:1. Not very interesting people we have here.

Maybe the way it is the way I act in school and my recent less than glamourous results =x, some people(the rest are too preoccupied with their work dat I doubt they will even notice it if I read them a poem criticising them right in their face. they cant process another other thing other than whats in the lecture notes.) think I'm being hopeless, laid back, lazy, and ask me, "are you sure u can cope with 4 'A's and in a JC ornot?" I would have very much like to reply, "dude, not harping on about how much past yr papers I havent done and not showing on my face how worried I am about grades doesnt mean I'm less capable than you in managing 4 'A's. And actually, my life consists of more than 4 'A's. Sadly to say, I'm sorry tutors, 4 'A's is not my priority in life presently, hahaha. Dont rebuke =x this is my blog and I'm the king =x. People think that not giving something top priority means you wont do well in it, true to a certain extent. But honestly, I can absolutely do well(or at least try to) in something which disgusts me =x, meaning to say, academic work. It disgusts me cos it makes me feel as though I'm being processed and brainwased and packaged to the liking of our government. Though I must admit that there's a forced change in me. Not bcos I'm finally giving in to the system, but it's this pride in me to prove to people that I'm not a lousy quiet girl struggling to cope with newton's laws, to prove to people that I'm not a slave of this whole system. I have a life much more interesting, hahaha. I'm not gonna be faltered by remarks like, "you should really consider dropping subjects." Excuse me, shoo! lol. I dont see the need for me to do something as superfluous as showing you my timetable for working. hahaha.

Hmm..new experiences give new insights. Tho some things have not changed. Basically, I just need a nice comfty bed and a cool weather with some nice music, a laptop (to look professional and modern =x) a warm cup of chocolate and occassionally some surprises at the door.

Everyday life: gaga~

I'm going gaga over plenty of gaga things.
gagaga.
boo.
snore.
oinks.
mew.
roar.
grunt.
snort. =x
grrr.
vrooomvroom.
wongzzzvongzzzbongzzzz
biong biong.
tick tock tick tock gimme a rock gimme a rock.
brrrr.
jajajajajajaja

Okies. I'm not gaga anymore. =x lolz.

The Act of Simplicity

There is beauty in straightforward-ness. But of course, beauty only exists in the eyes of the people who are able to admire them. Hence, beauty is everywhere. So, what is my point? lolz. To give an introductory paragraph. =x

Why do people write long essays? To make your point persuasive. Well, if people dont agree with ur point, just heck them. =x lolz. If you dont agree that animals should be kept in the zoo, just say, animals shouldnt be in the zoos. =x hahaha. I doubt Larry Lee will fnd that very amusing. =x Prolly he will say we need more milk in during his next lecture.

Everyday life: Boo~

I wanted to write about a book titled Tony Morrison's Contemporary Criticism which I have read yesterday not out of interest but becase I misread the title at first, lol, but I cant summon the energy to do it. There are just some days which leave you so drained out and dazed, because you broke your routine of saying hi to someone AND you wish that someone missed saying hi and gd night to u :x I am suddenly reminded of a cartoon image of someone blowing his fringe upwards.

From failures breed insercurities. From insercurities breed suspicions. From suspicions breed desperation. And from desperation breeds failures. A proud person is afraid to fail. An insecure person fears to display. A desperate person dare not give himself chances. A suspicious person loses friendship with his heart and with those near his heart. Boo~
Come fellow girls! Stop hiding your inner feelings behind a sharp tongue. :x hehe, but i strongly advise against acting like chewing gum =x.

I just submitted my article analysis this morning. If I'm getting another "fair" grade T_T and get commented that I have a poor grasp of english, I'm gonna....I'm GONNA....I'm just gonna work harder T_T boohoooo. I cant believe THAT g.p. tutor said that I suck. =(

I'm looking forward to celebrating another birthday with Grace =x but that's another 1 and 3/4 months =s I'm dreaming about november holidays. hahaha. When I have time to do things I enjoy.

Silent game

Imagine
A ballerina dancing in tears,
A pelican singing a grievous song.
The drizzle in the night.

If your pain be endless, mine is silent.
But the damned soul cowers and melts and evaporate,
in the disparacy in status and seemingly in the sin,
For which servant has the shame and nerve to speak
of her grief and lovesickness to her master,
and dares to yearn for sympathy?
A good servant knows of when to sink and become part of the background,
gracefully.
Viola was at the mercy of Olivia.
For Orsino has neither eyes nor heart,
for anyone but the beautiful countess of his kingdom.
But alas.

In a place,
where my heart dwells,
the place,
where flowers bloom and fragrance stays.
But in such a flowery place,
my only hope must become my only grave.
For how would the sunshine know
all the flowers that it has bloomed?
If the sun would only shine upon a single flower,
then the world would know of true love.
The light is eternal
The wind dies and rebuild
But a flower must be doomed to wilter
when the day is through.
Alas, for such a short-lived being,
the flower has never least enjoyed the company of its light,
though a fragment of it it only receives,
and carelessly given,
heartlessly dispensed,
it is but the source of life,
the heart of dreams,
the stem of happiness.

p.s. a pelican has no voice.
I republished selected posts because I sort of miss my old blog. I never did quite account for the deletion of all the previous posts but I feel I must be responsible to the few friends who read my blog. Hence, the reason why I removed everything is because I felt my pride was challenged. It takes alot from me, to post things that I would not speak of to people verbally. And one silly day, I decided change to a new template and start everything anew. But under my hard surface =x, I still cant but miss the old things.

Murderous tutorials

blame the tutorials for this.
They are killing the creativity. Day in day out I worry about them. Every morning, every night I'm doing them. And I suddenly feel that I have become much more boring than before. T_T shucks... I'm turning into a kind of canned food. And I'm losing all my humour. I have no time for humour =.= Everyday I come back home I rush out the tuts T_T it's killing everything inside me. Haiz... I getting crabby...so I better go and slp to clear my head. I need to clear out unwanted things to fill in the formulas and stop thinking about things that wld not happen. I give in to the tuts. I'm going to help it kill everything else on my mind and make myself a canfood. But a canfood doesnt have a heart. Since the heart is like a machine and mine lack fuel, I must really be on the route to becoming a canfood. T_T But I hope I will have more free time during the end of yr hols. Till then, maybe my shark would have become white bones. (psst, xiaoming, did u read the quotations column in Life! There was a quote from duno who, who compared shark to something. If u read and rmbred that quote, u wld know wad I'm talking about, hehe)

Time to bore again

I returned the template of this blog to the original one, cos I felt the black one was too black. =x lolz

I finished downloading all of FMA this afternoon and of cos, I spent the whole day watching them. I had the promise of some1 to send me a copy of this anime tho I didnt receive it even after I downloaded everything =x

I realised that there are many things that I thought I didnt like or wouldnt do, that are in fact very enjoyable to me when I tried them. I used to think I would never drink green tea because the smell was revolting, but when I had drunk it, well, my squadmates began calling me the Green Tea Pontianak. I have to drink green tea whenever I have the chance. lolz. But that was 2 yrs ago. Green tea never really tasted the same without 20 other people calling me the Green Tea Pontianak.

Then I thought I really reject the idea of watching 偶像剧, but I spent 20mins in front of the tv in morning laughing at the way they crapped on with those stupid but really funny sound effects and my noodles ended up overcooked.

And I never thought I would enjoy watching anime =x I used to laugh at my father and brother who remain glued to the tv for hours to watch Slam Dunk. Well, I did watch abit of it too, but I didnt watch every episode. Then I bought this animation which came from The Matrix, I was a huge fun of Matrix, every1 in my class 2 yrs ago can certify it =x, but I fell aslp halfway into watching it. hahahaha, maybe it is because I never watched any good ones which attracted me to watch on, and I would rather read comics (though anime is simply moving comics) but I these weeks i switched on the computer whenever I came home to download something called FMA. =x

Lolz, I have to talk about FMA for awhile, since I have fallen in love with it. But it's just one of those favourite shows which I wont watch it again. The feeling that it had given me when I watched the 1st episode, and the feeling I had when I watch the last episode was quite quite different. Well I couldnt say different, because the feeling was built on. If I were to watch everything all over again, I think it would spoil the impression of it on me. You have to remember that when I watch episode 1, it wasnt really because I liked watching anime and would download them in my leisure from time to time. =x But still, like I said, I learnt that they are plenty of things which I enjoy immensely even though I thought I detest them at 1st. lolz.

Things do change. I think I must offer myself more chances and dont start rejecting them even before I had tried them. And sometimes things that I thought I couldnt live without, turns out to mean less important that I thought or felt they were. But there's still a thing I doubt I will ever like. That's cheese. I can even put up with the smell of durian, altho that oso makes me sick, but cheese is =s It simply puts me off. =x A good friend once asked me, what if my future boyfriend is a real lover of cheese? lolz. I answered, "Then he'll have to choose between the cheese and me." lolz. That was my mentality two years ago. But I think it will take alot to make me like cheese. But well, maybe something called true love can do the trick. But wait, do I believe there's this thing called true love? lolz. Okies, I must remind myself not to pass any early judgements. But but but, lolz, it seems eaiser to believe in this thing called infatuation. BUT, I also dont believe in infatuation. =x I wont allow myself to be infatuated. =x I would rather memorise the whole set of formula lists than let myself be infatuated with some1. =x That's really out of the question =x. lol. If some guy in school came to declare his love for me (which I really doubt wld happen) I would have given him this really lame look. =x But in any case, it takes alot to impress me. Not that I wasnt impressed before. =x But I came to realise that it is so impressive that, I must dig a hole and hide myself. Phew~ Some of my girl-------friends thought I am those kind of clever and independent careerwoman who would live their lives out vying for power and more-than-equal-status with men, (recently some1 took to calling me professor =.= with that really earnest look -.-||) lolz, not that I would allow myself to be looked down upon by the others (see my disgusted look =x), but sometime in my life, I would oso dream about the stereotype prince in charming with the perfect smile and muscular arms. But, but, but! Dont expect to see me at any gaping-at-boys-playing-basketball outings. I resent that, abosolutely. I prefer to act cool. =x But lemme provide an advice =x LOL. The way to attract a cool girl is to act cooler than her. hahahaha. But please retreat if that person stares daggers at you or give u the look that suggests u didnt bath for 10days. Go for cute gigglish girls instead =x They are easier. =x

Come civil night

The song of the nightingale is heard.
Gallop apace, you fiery footed steeds.
towards Phoebus' lodgings; such a wagoner
As Phaeton would whip you to the wet,
And bring in cloudy night immediately.

A nightingale sings only in the evening. Hence, hearing the song of the nightingale signifies the arrival of evening and eventually night.
fiery-footed steeds: the horses which pull the chariot of Phoebus the sun-god.
Phaeton: son of Phoebus. He was allowed to drive his father's chariot for one day. But he lost control. He was destroyed by a thunderbolt sent by Jupiter, the chief god.
cloudy night: a night of disturbance

Lovers can see to do their amorous rites,
By their own beauties; or if Love be blind,
It best agrees with night. Come civil night,
Thou sober-suited matron all in black.
And learn me how to lose a winning match.
.
.
Come gentle night, come loving black-browed night,
Give me my Romeo and when he shall die,
Take him and cut him out in little stars,
And he will make the face of heaven so fine
That all the world will be in love with night.
.
.

(Adapted from Romeo and Juliet, Act Three, Scene 2)

Darkness of night makes people blind.

With this, I will give myself (or the blog) a new beginning.

Breakdown

I'm a moron, a weakling a bad tempered, spoilt brat.
I laid down there on my bed crying for half an hour and thought about tearing up all my notes because I cant find my log book. And I thought about how disgusting everyone was and imagined myslef slapping and spitting on them. Ashamed to even say this. Where is my normal self? T_T Drats. Life sux.

Then I was walking ard in my tiny room, crying and sobbing and trying to look for my pathetic stubborn logbook. But I cant find it. T_T I need to complete that piece of work. T_T I wan to do something. T_T I need to find it. T)T
I'll keep up the good work. Just dont give up on me. T_T Dont tell me I'm wasting a yr. T_T Dont tell me I have no flair in physics chem and maths. T_T CLA sux T_T And I hate TAF. T_T I'm trying to do some work here. =o =( =( =( =( =( =( T_T

Dude, I wont give way to some weak feelings and start feeling like every1 owes me a life. I'm quite awake. There is no question. No need one word answers from my mother. No need people jumping out of my way when I'm pulling a long face. I hate that. T_T I'm not a freak. My family shun me when I bang my door a little harder. When I call my mum a little louder she gives that look that recruits give when they knock into an officer's whose rank they cant make out. Dont look at me like I'm accusing you. It hurts me. Eventually, it disgusts me. Drats. When I stop speaking for 10mins people stop speaking to me for 10hrs. Wei. T_T I'm not Hitler. And I cant tell new jokes every 5mins. I cant give you asmile if I'm feeling upset. And dont ignore my presence just because I'm reading newspapers. Please, we are sitting at the same table even. Stop engaging in whispers RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME just because I mentioned names of historical figures. Yea man. But I really cant discuss over lunch who is the cutest guy in school. =/ T_T I'm just a normal girl. T_T Even if you see a stray cat you would stop to pat it. T_TT_T Well, maybe you wouldnt if u see the cat snapping,hissing and showing claws. Otherwise, it's just a lonely and cold cat in the rain, waiting for a warm touch. Haiz...I would be an alcoholic if I didnt have gastric problems. It's the only thing which scares me, bcos it really feels like hell when you sprawl on the floor in pain for 2hrs while your brother and sister are both playing computer games and acting like it someone took out laundry to dry. And your mum gives you a glance and act like you are playing an episode on tv. Nice eh. =)

A plea: If you cant give me sympathy then just give me respect.

Enough of tamtrums. What the hell is in crying? I'm going to continue to look for my log book. Log book.

When the head is full of grass

I would like to throw a tantrum. T_T To smash things to bang dorrs to throw books and to yell. T_T Grr, I hate this. T_T I'm throwing a tamtrum inside myself since I cant possibly yell at the whole of my family or yell at my classmates. I would have very much liked to yell at some of the teachers but they didnt give me a chance with their monotonous lessons. I nearly errupted at a grp of people who were waiting the room when we were having chem tutorial today. Cant blame me. They were errupting at my ears. So bad for them that I had to sit beside the door.

Dreads. T_T
/throw a dreadful tamtrum.
I wanna go and slp but I havent finish my work and I cant find that particular log book. T_T Why cant I find my things T_T I thought so hard where I last placed them but my head is bursting. T_T boohooo
Shucks. T_T
Bad day. Bad week. Bad year. T_T
zzzzz.
Guess I have to make do with being angry with myself cooped up in my room and sweeping all my papers onto the floor. =(
I dont need advice. I just need someone to let me throw a tamtrum at and not say a word. Grrr..
T_T

Beauty in Simplicity

Simple
In just a few words.
Or a word.
Ahh.
Simple.

Happiness.
In just simplicity.
Back to the runes.
Just a word.
Smile.

Beauty.
Define perfectness.
Or just in a word.
Pleasing.

Love.
In no words.
Or just a word.
Simplicity.
Smile.
Ahh.
Beauty.

To Domon

Domon aka lamo king complained that my blog is too plain and uninteresting. He began to read it before he sleeps in order for him to get into the sleepy mood. Needed something more to "whet his appetite", quoted from Domon. Actually I already had this POEM formulated in mind ever since u demand a post dedicated to u. BUT, I'm so lazy =S I wanna slp. YAWN. When I wake up and when I have time I will write it. No worries about suaning u. I will do it!

This many blogs

Went to click on the url of the blogs of almost all the contacts on my msn. And to my horror, I found out that they have wonderful, artistic, fabulous, amazing, absurd, implausible blogs. Even the guy with attitude owns a really kewl blog with sentimental background music. And the lamo who lames me and I lame him everytime I meet and who recently took my handphone w/o me noticing until he returned to me, has a blog with such an artistic and breathtaking blog design which completely blew me off my feet. Gawd, my blog is DULL. T_T

Spent abit of time reading their blogs. And saw completely different sides to what they present in school. ^^
The cool guy was suddenly loud and humorous(in a sarcastic way =p) and the loud and humourous guy was suddenly serious and dark. People who mug and worry all day about exam results wrote things so sentimental and so sincere I thought I should give up writing rubbishy poems. Recently this lazy and always late girl got herself a blog. =p And I visited it. And I found out that she had been leading such a wonderful life. T_T I'm glad for her that she finally is doing something she found meaningful and fufilling. T_T And here I am, receiving a stereotype education, entering a JC, studying Newton's Laws and Ionic Equilibrium and wondering what fac I'm gonna end up in uni. And now she's watching Minority Report for a 'stupid lesson' tomorrow. =p Eh I wish I have this kind of stupid lessons and stop worrying about the atomic pathway of electrons. xD

But ok, I learnt to enjoy solving dull questions on electricity and drawing Bond-Haber cycle using my own methods. =p hehe. Besides, if I cld forget all the problems in life like I am now and listen to this piano piece on one of my friend's blog, I would enjoy life as much as anyone else. Haiz...in a contented way. ^^ I'll start taking a stroll now and breathe in all the good things in life.

Daisies in a Day

Daisies, daisies. I love flowers =p But my nose is ultra sensitive to these kind of things so I cant keep flowers in my room >.< I keep grass =x muahahaha, in pots =p. Anyway this post is not about how much I like flowers yet cant grow them, it's just a normal post about my one day's happenings =x hehe, I thought I shld make the title a little more interesting cos I think the contents wont be =x

But I'll still write all the boring stuff, muahaha. Since this is my blog =p

Last friday I met up with 2 other friends for lunch. In the end, I didnt even manage to have dinner. =.= And the worse thing is I cant even blame the 1 person for coming late =s. She said she was held up in school. Cos duno wad wad wad got corrupted and her things were gone and she had to rush home and make another copy and duno wad sysytem in her school caused her friend's stuff to be corrupted too and she had to help all her friends in school. But thats not the point. The point is she had a handphone with no battery. And I had alot of $1 bubble tea while waiting for her. And I or rather we, spent 1hr sitting beside an uncle at the MRT station while waiting for her. =.= But the best thing is we met another friend, xiaoming, and she managed to join us. Anyway, the lateness...grrr....made me sleepy. Anyway, I finally got a phonecall from her and arranged to meet 3hrs after the initial meeting time. =.= So, I was 3 hrs early? Anyway I was window shopping and bought a new handphone keychain. =x hehe. It's right up there at the start of this post.


But friday night was a bit better. Exchanged some sms with someone =x But still I have to screw things up. When a thousand gd things come at once, I cant handle. Information overload, the system will crash. Was doing fine with A君，then B君 sms-ed me explaining his absence with a test to c how long he can withstand missing me (answer was 2 days) then suddenly C君 was saying some stuff completely out of the blue that sounded horribly like a love declaration in secret code and D君 had to suddenly appear in front of me while we were having a normal chat on phone. Wld have been nice if E君 wasnt asking why I'm avoiding him T_T and F君 didnt so openly say the 3 words a few days ago.

Stress.

Arghhhh..... it's like throwing daisies at me. Nice?! Imagine 100kg worth of daises thrown at u. Bang bang bang. And only just now I have to say something hurtful T_T to someone =( and I havent replied the sms sent by another one yesterday. T_T grrrr.. Btw, does it mean I'm rejecting someone if I dont speak to him 2 days after he declared * **** ***?

Haiz, sometimes I rather spend time with my girl~~~~~~~~~~~~friends. Hehe. Bel was asking me to go watch Initial D with her. Duno if it's still in the cinemas. Not that I'm a lesbian or wad =.=. Hey, but I dont wan to be accused as X-timing. And even if u ignore your girl~~~~~~~~friend for 1 week, things wldnt get strained.

Lemme breathe.

Anyway I just had a haircut and realised that my hair is growing at an alarming rate. An alarming slow rate. =.= I think my hairdresser was merely clipping and unclipping my hair in odd positions and snip a bit here and comb abit there, and tada..i'm done. =.= Anyways my hairdresser has a very nice hairstyle =p Lovely long hair. Dont fantasize about that =x she's a mother of 2. lolz

Having pizza now. Accidentally put too much red pepper. Sneezed 10 times in a row and now my lips are burning. Pampering myself. =.= Anyway I'm supposed to be doing some serious schoolwork now but I'm sitting in front of the tv and enjoying pizza. And I really enjoy the garliiiiiiccccccc breeeeeeeaaaddd XD. AH MUAHAHAHA!

Argh..musnt get the guilt into my head. Burp. ARGH! But it's so fattening! ARGH! I musnt feel guilty about eating =x my favourite food at that. muahaha.

Okies, but who wants a balloon? T_T A piggie balloon. Anyone?

Teamwork

I have a bad attitude...lolz. Pity the pple working in the same PW group as me. And worst of all they are using my proposal..lolz. Actually I hate explaining the same concept over and over again. I dont know what they didnt understand about my proposal. I spent a 1 month+ researching and presenting them with the data, after all the noddings and stuff, one fine meeting a member suddenly commented, "Actually arh, I duno what this project is all about!" I almost wanted to vomit blood. Although it is my proposal, I do want my members to be involved in the thinking and researching too. I want them to have a firm grasp of the topic we are on and give me fresh ideas. I dont want to be the one orientating, I need the whole crew to push the whole project forward. I need them to be as in touch with the project as I am. It's never enough to only have 1 person thinking. I cant possibly come up with something foolproof. But if my members dont even understand what my proposal is all about, if they are still asking the aim of the project, how are they going to help me find the loopholes and help perfect our research? Recently they called for many meaningless and unorganized meetings. With no agenda prepared before hand. I refuse to attend such meetings. It's quite a waste of time, in my opinion. I'm lazy to draft the agenda for them too. =) Last few meetings I simply gave them a few topics and asked them to research on it. That was 1 month ago. Till now, I havent seen any of those yet. Think we ought to work on the resource file already, told them a few times, yet they didnt bother to bring it on the meetings. Lolz, duno the file is in which person's locker. I have a feeling they didnt like my proposal very much in the 1st place and accepted it without too much consideration. Sometimes I feel like giving up oso, lolz, when I have a mental block and get confused about the course our actions takes, I turn to my grp members and I see blank faces =x. But it's a road of no return, die die we have to continue. But I have an idea we are gonna pull through, when I stop showing them my black face...muahaha. But I already done 80% pf the job 90% of the resource file comes from me. I want to attend meetings with purpose, with something substantiate to do. Not meet somewhere and brainstorm what to do. =.= We already done that months ago. Whatever did they think the GPP was? For the 5% marks only? Grrr, lemme finish the experiment report and fabricate some results.

Only yesterday I had quite an umpleasant encounter with some of my friends. It left me fuming mad for a few minutes and later I came to realise that well, the anger that I felt is the result of something that had snowballed for some time. The tiny weeny indicent that sent me staring daggers, rolling eyes and saying crude remarks was merely a catalyst. There had been many little unhappiness indicents that I remember subconsciously. Heck. I have enough problems at hand to be angry with people. Perhaps there is a lack of similarity between me and them. Anyway, I hate it when they pretend not to be something they are. Ambigous? Let me list an example. It turns me off

sunshine post

This is a post of sunshine.

sunshine
sunshine sunshine
sunshine sunshine sunshine
sunshine sunshine sunshine sunshine
sunshine sunshine sunshine sunshine sunshine
sunshine sunshine sunshine sunshine sunshine
sunshine sunshine sunshine sunshine sunshine sunshine
sunshine sunshine sunshine sunshine sunshine
sunshine sunshine sunshine sunshine sunshine
sunshine sunshine sunshine
sunshine sunshine
sunshine

Waking up to a day full of sunshine. ^^
Breathing on. Breathing new air.
Enjoy the cool rustle enjoy the light flut.
A heavy weight lifted and breathing freely.
想得开，想不开，都在自己。
Open close open close. ^^

Sunshine, sunshine, sunshine.
Butter.

Silent closure

Tired. Not what sleep can cure. From playing too long a silent game. Need more to sustain. Trying to be nonchalant proved abit too draining. Everytime I give in to my desires, my wants and allow myself to fantasize too much, it takes a toll on me. Getting tired too frequently. Things are becoming abit of a chore. I pity the pple who hear me complain of tiredness too. =p hehe..

Now I'm back to listening to music while sleeping. Meaning to put on my headphone to sleep. Just to take my mind off certain things. If not I cant fall aslp. I demanded too much and crossed the line. Scorched. Already given up half some time ago. I think I ought to refocus. And give up completely. I feel things have turned abit awkward lately. As the one who started it, I will put an end to it. Ought to be more nonchalant about it. I think time can help me. It always does. Whether it is 1 week or 1 year. I'll just sit and wait for either the start or the end to come. If things are optimistic, there will be a new start. If things are as it is, it will be an end. But still, everything that has a start will have an end. Cant be too hopeful.

Just a few more days for the last gd look.

Parting is sweet sorrow. I never try to say bb. When pple say bb to me I wld feel upset. Childish feelings, haha.. Anyway, when I do say bb, it is when I'm fed up or when I have given up. Resigned. Must reflect on the bad things I have done. Karma.

(contemplative. but almost done. almost decided.)

Listened to some FF midis. Always sad. Perhaps I shld store them somewhere else and stop listening to them. Next song up, "Two in a million". Almost my favourite, almost gives me happy thoughts. 3rd song, 孤單北半球. ^^ wonder if he rmbrs ornot. dreaming~ suddenly feeling more light hearted. Is this called reminiscing? =) The last plea: please see me as an equal.

Moonlight Serenade

Prelude:

Pitter patter sweet tender,
soft gentle,
blow~~
Whoosh... chuckle chuckle..
whisper,
twinkle twinkle,
tease tickle rustle,
giggle..
Pat pat..gentle tender
chuckle tickle giggle
hush~~
Dont wake my slping flower. ^^

I hav a feeling that my prelude wont be understood =x lemme explain =p of cos u may choose to skip this and jump to the middle of this post =x hehe
1. Pitter patter: sound of footsteps (the main person comes into the picture)
2. blow~~: well, wind blows =p (the other character comes into the picture)
3. Whoosh... chuckle chuckle: the wind again =x
4. whisper: 2 pple whispering
5. twinkle twinkle: well, the title of this post is MOONLIGHT serenade =p
6. tease tickle rustle: i'm personifying the wind =x well, but wind do tickle =p
7. giggle: if the wind is tickling some1, that some1 will giggle, yea? =x
8. pat pat.. gentle tender: sound of footsteps, gentle tender footsteps.
9. chuckle tickle giggle: verbs. thr are only 2 'nouns' in this string of words =x
10. hush, dont wake my slping flower: this is abit special. the 'person', (the char other than the wind, and obviously the one with the footsteps) finally talks. The person seems to be talking to the pple who are making the noise. But it's ironic since it's the 'wind' and her making the noise. So, logically thr shld be some1 else saying hush~~, but u noe thr isnt some1 else. Thr r only 2 chars. Erm, well, other than the author. =x muahaha

That's the end of my prelude. And the qns comes in, what flower? =p hehe...
Imagine a person tiptoe-ing and dancing softly in a greenhouse on a cool drafty moonlit night. (Does this better explain my prelude? =x)
Ahh... u may ask, why greenhouse? Why tiptoe? Why moonlit night? What draft?
Greenhouse because flowers are grown inside. Tiptoe because it's dead in the night and 'she' has no shoes =x . Moonlit night because it's romantic =x. Draft is needed cos I need some wind =x.
Actually, the prelude has nothing directly to do with what I'm gonna write next!!!! MUAHAHAHA... just written to set u in the right mood =x. hehehehehe

Here comes my main purpose of writing this post. =x Serious. >.< inch ="x." greenhouse ="x." eyes ="p" else =".=">

I lost half the other this post T_T somehow it got removed when i save it, now i cant republish it =(

Dear blog,

Dear blog,

my most loyal confidate, I'm feeling abit upset again. Was right in the middle of my work when some msn msges popped up, bearing less-than-hearty news. I am constantly threatened and challenged by my own flickering nature. I dream too much, so much so that I do not step a foot on the real ground and become overly annoyed or irritated when someone volunteers to make the step for me. grrrrrr.....whatever it is, I dont want things to turn ugly. I wld have liked to preserve them beautiful. I do not hope that misunderstanding arises due to a reckless act. It wld have crushed me.

My dignity would not allow me to beg, though I must most shamelessly admit that I wld have gladly done so if I knew the results are relishing. What folly! What stupidity! Now my only hope must become my only grave.

Now I must decide, to beat a hasty retreat, or to continue my journey, ignoring the storm.
No more ambigous statements. Haiz, but, more haste less speed. I guess you must be confused. So am I. I dont necessarily need an answer. Many times, I already know it. grrr...I do need more quiet time thinking tho, which naturally means, more blogging. Hope thr arent any violent objections about this. =)

Upon angelic wings

Last few days were abit of a topsy fury. Nothing was right, feeling way down and cldnt find someone to share it. So many people ard me and yet I cant find someone whom I thought wld sympathize with me. I used to tell a girl-------friend, but I realised I told her too much. She started to pass them ard. Fell out with her 2 days ago. Not in the violent way tho, but I made my unpleasures explicit. She insisted upon doing some things, which threatened my dignity and 'stabilty'. Well, of course none of the above wld have happened if I didnt share certain stuff =x Just wish she cld respect my wishes, esp since it concerned what I kept close to my heart.

Chatted with an ex-classmate last night and talked about after my 'A's =p. We are going on a tour! hahaha...she said she wanted to go to the US and find a husband =x lolz...and force him to go with her on 10 honeymoons. Well, I cldnt take that for real... haha. But the tour is definitely in the bag =p Thr's a problem tho: her diploma is due only in another 2 yrs, while my 'A's are nxt year =.= But who cares =x we'll both go on a tour. I wanna visit Venice and Switzerland. She wanna visit all 50(or 51?) states of USA. =s gawd...lolz...I'm getting excited.. haha.

Sometimes it feels so good to talk to someone else when you are feeling down. Whether ornot the topic is on the 'bad' thing. I miss the old school days with her...hahaha, she reckon the people in her class doesnt understand her sarcasm =x I told her they probably wld understand if she told them their drawings look like they just got fished out of the drain outside school =x She's into creative media design and I got the promise from her that she wld design a new blog for me =x muahahaha

There are just so many other things I can enjoy. But sometimes I just need someone to point the way. Feeling much better, for the moment.

Revelation

To finally see the end of the tunnel
To know that there was never the Garden beyond that.
To be drowned
To be blinded
To kill
To yearn
To beg
To be crazed
To be doomed
To hear the heart piercing screams of the doomed under the nails
To see the cringing souls of the crazed in the gallows
To realise
To wake up to
To finally grudgingly mercilessly painfully
be exposed to the ugly side of your fantasy
To scream piercingly like the doomed under the nails
To cringe like the crazed in the gallows
To weep in a hollow voice
To drown in hatred
To suffocate in enimosity
To plunge into the blinding and glaring and unfeeling light
Hey~
To wake up.

The Night the Chimera Cries

Full Metal Alchemist is quickly becoming my favourite now. Especially last nite when I was watching episode 6. I simply luuuuve the part when Glacier went into labour. The reaction of 3 kids, Ed, Al and Nina is explosively hilarious and cute. =x..hehe.. And Major Hughes, her husband, was so bummerly sweeeet, in both episode 5 and 6. I love this kind of guys ^^^^ his unshaven chin adds some marks too =x but not too unshaven la =x

Just awhile ago I finish downloading episode 7, and the title of it is in the title of this post. It had gone rather well, until it was revealed that this alchemist Tucker, transmuted his own 4yr old daughter and his dog into a chimera that cld speak and understand human words. This affected me for quite a while. She's only 4yrs old T_T and her father was her only relative, support, love, trust and everything yet he betrayed her, used her, destroyed her. My head is swmming.. he had transmuted his wife and possibly another animal into a chimera 2 yrs ago, well, and the only words that the chimera said was "Give me death". I cant bear it. It's sick, gruesome, revolting. Brrrrrrr.....

I'm down with flu now, keep sneezing and my throat is getting sore. I need some slp and wish Nina(the 4yr old daughter of Tucker) wld come back T_T

After a shower

If I post more than once per day, it means I'm getting really bored..lolz
As a matter of fact, I just took a shower, feeling abit light hearted. After ignoring 10 msn chat windows, walking ard in the hse and playing a lonely game of daidee(me vs computer), I feel pretty much destressed =x Now I just need some music...

I'll touch my harmonica now, since the last time i used it was 2 days ago. I love the russia piece, but I duno the exact english name for it, think it's 'Song of the Volga Boatman' . It's so muahaha the challenging, cos I cant play 3 notes in 1 beat =.= I'm always a beat faster or slower than the whole band and considering the fact that the band os so smaaaall, my wrong note becomes glaringly loud. BOO. Actually I would liked to have played the chord, but I wasnt thr during the actual audition T_T Last meeting thr was an audition for sectional leaders, well, I think they took off points for being rude to the accessor. =x lolz...hey...but I was brave enough to be the 1st one who played =x That's not the worse. They picked the piece 'Colors of the Wind'. And halfway through it, I ran out of breath, and I actually stoppeeeeedd!!!! yar, I paused in the middle of the piece and panted =.= remotely professional, but well, who wants to be a sectional leader? =x lol

The russia piece is really nice. Deep and mallow. Mysterious and flitting. I just wish it could be longer =) Maybe the chord shld be louder. But thr's only 1 person playing it =.= vesus 20++ others playing chromatic harmo. I love sitting near the piano, since I can follow the beat better thr =x But it makes me so close to the 1st players :s and sometimes they are so tune-perfect that I feel pressurized. lolz. But, well, heck that too =p I'm just gonna have some fun and enjoy the music =p

Suddenly I have an urge to go to Russia to watch the ballets and hear their bands..lolz

欲哭无泪，叹息。。

好久没有运用华文了，感觉上好象有点生疏了。最近作文成绩每况愈下，对我是个挫败感。想找一个在兴趣、水准相投合的朋友，但是却象是水中捞月。有一段时期 我很热爱和沉迷于唐诗宋词，尤其是苏轼的婉约词。其中我最喜欢的一首是《江城子》。苏轼用了同样的词牌写了两首，我喜欢的那首是这样写的：

十年生死两茫茫

不思量，自难忘

千里孤坟，无处话凄凉

纵使相逢应不识

尘满面，鬓如霜

这 是上片，下片我就不写了。这短短的35个字，描述了多少凄凉，多少哀情。让我深深感到了苏轼的长情。他思念他已故十年的妻子，想着她千里以外孤独的坟墓， 心中多少的凄凉、痛苦都无处倾诉。这样坚贞的爱情，连古人都能表露，想到现代人的无情、多情，不禁让我感到厌恶。其实，我自己也写了两首词，没有根据任何 词牌的规律，完全随性而发。用字愚浅，条理颠倒，别见笑　=p

词一：

天地莫有情，山水总幽幽。
曾处高峰尽受乐，原是一场春梦。
风能否解我愁，云能否解我忧，丛林中找寻知心友。
孤影随我行，悲鸣伴我影。
浸于风云安我心，终是归去来兮。

词二：

谁不知春花秋月，坐望秋水想风尘。

昨日最是伤魂，今朝最是痛心。忘不却，忘不却。
唯有笑傲走江湖，回忆为伴思为影。

但求故人愁相思，愿求故人永世福。

痛心疾首，没不却，没不却。

Abashed

This blog is my loyal confidant, especially when I'm feeling abashed or frustrated.

I'm getting rather naggy recently- you can hardly see any posts last year. But, to avoid being a nuisance to the others, I will lament and vent my frustrations here instead. It rather makes me happier and spiritually lighter after a post here, but sometimes I do yearn for a nice hug badly. Those kind which can take away all troubles, make you feel lighter than candy floss and make you smile in your sleep. Or maybe I need someone to think of me. THE DARN PHONE IS BREAKING MY CONCENTRATION! *cry*

Lemme start whimpering. *whimper*

After having a hectic and stressful week, I'm suddenly faced with a lonely weekend with nothing meaningful to do. I jus came back from the movies with my best buddy, we went shopping and talked about the future. That's a common topic between me and her. Now I'm back in this lonely house (every1 else is out) thinking of some unrealistic things (again) and saw some things which left me feeling upset and drained. Wish I could read and write and draw and scribble and bake all day. Cant tell if I'm feeling stressed or upset or both. Wish someone wld take care of my troubles for me. Wish I cld wake up one day and someone tells me, 'hey, I helped u quit school already. Dont worry about the degree, you have me.' Sounds incredulous. Stress. I often imagine if one day I were married and my husband wakes me up on a fine afternoon, telling me he quited my job for me, 'cos he cldnt bear to see me so stressed up over work, and tells me not to worry cos he will provide for me his whole life, I think I wld... not sure what I wld do since that havent happened =x

Does it sound like some cliched fairytale where the cinderalla in rags waits for her prince charming to come and take her away? Maybe all girls like fairytales. But for sure, every girl hopes to be the special one. Those kind who can make 浪子回头. I rmbr once a guy friend told me, 'all girls only like lies'. He quoted an example: lets say a girl ask a guy if he misses her. If the guy told her the truth that he havent thought about her since their last conversation, the girl wld be cross. Well, if the answer was something sweeter like the magical 3 words 'I miss you', the result wld be very different. (Sidetrack a little. Some of my guy friends asked me the logic behind the 3 words "I miss you". It's actually very simple. These 3 words are kind of a trigger. The girls are satisfied by the imaginations that are triggered off by these words. Personally. I wont ever ask a guy if he misses me ornot. And 80% of the time, I wld try to prevent myself from giving a fake smile when a guy says he misses me, but 0% if he said so while he's eating or laughing as though he just told me a really nice maths joke. Meaning I will give a huge fake sweet smile which wld eventually turn into a snigger and I wont try to turn my face away when I roll my eyes. )

That's (the part about girls liking lies) rather hurtful but indeed very true. Maybe that was how he melts the heart of every girl ard him. With lies. Coaxing and decieving the foolish girls into believing they are special. Well, I dont think his lies work on me though, those stereotype sweet stuff I have heard alot and enough to make me numb to them. Normally I return the words with a polite smile or a 'really? I'll try to believe that'. The guys hardly need creativity. Girls are easy to satisfy. Just tell them you miss them and pretend to rmbr everything that they told you, including the incident about feeding the stray kitten, then bingo, you got another girl at your feet. Doesnt matter if you rmbr their names ornot. They will rmbr yours and think of it 24hrs a day. Sometimes, girls do know they are lies. But it just makes them happy. Happy fools.

I'm being abit extreme here. Alrite, I rmbr my principal saying that it's downright stupid to be an extremist. That's the only thing I rmbr from her. But anyway, this is just a blog, my blog at that. =x

Resigned.
Maybe women are meant to be weaker than men afterall. Maybe I'll just stop being a feminist (it seriously turned me off when I found out 90% of the girls I know think that a woman's most impt role in life is being a wife and a mother) and try be a little woman. Just look at the girls who giggles and talks in a foolish fashion and only think about cute keychains and gel test tube with gilters. =.= Maybe being better in a debate, chairing debates, write sarcastic essays, talking about the corruption of United Nations and reading alone in the library is a huge turnoff for guys...but thinking about it, even my 'girlfriends' cant take it when I try to explain to them the reason why water drips out of an air-con when u keep changing its temperature..lolz..but still, I cant unscrew a nail without testing the effect of turning both clockwise and anticlockwise first and I wld gladly pretend to be very stupid if a guy volunteers to help install the newest anti-virus program or change the wires of my computer the nxt time they burn =p And the nxt time I will quit volunteering to start the fire and gape in admiration when a guy manages to light up one after wasting one full packet of charcoal. It's really oso kind of upsetting when the girls in my class nudge me to let the guys take over when I havent got the fire up after 5mins of try. But I promise I'll try to stop putting the guys down if a guy from my class can start a fire in 5mins at the nxt bbq outing..muahaha

Prose in action II - Just halt and watch

Recently I realised that time have been passing by really fast. Maybe that or I hav been too busy. And when this happens, it means I wld be more prone to headaches, not to mention being abit short tempered. Some pple, or rather friends complain that I ignore them too much. Haiz.. I hav little energy to try to convince them otherwise. When I start ignoring pple and shutting myself up, it almost always means I'm trying to destress. I hardly log in msn now bcos I cant stand it when 10 windows pop up and half of them requires my full attention. Makes me giddy. I wld very much prefer a quiet lengthy chat with a friend or two. Alrite, maybe I do deserve all the scoldings from the friends I have 'neglected'. Actually I wld like to spend more quiet time by myself and I'm considering quiting an online game which I have been playing for ages. If it had not got itself into such a huge mess, I wld have gladly created a new character unknown to all and start enjoying the coolness of silence in the midst of a crowd. But anyways, recently I wld prefer watching FMA on my computer or jus reading comics on my snug bed. BOO to all those pple who stress me out =p

The home, is not a very warm place for me to be in. If it werent for my comfortable bed and my 3 pillows, I wld have prefered to camp in a library that has a small coffee cafe. I hate the phone especially, whether or not it is calling or answering. And I really hate it when my grandma smokes in the living room or my mum being engaged in some animated conversation with some pple over the phone for 5hrs. Not forgetting my sister who keeps barging into my room without knocking and borrow all my things without replacing them. As for my brother, I dont think I wld notice the difference if he is out for camp or locked in his room mugging. Lastly, I think I only see my dad on sunday mornings, when he chats with my brother at the top of his voice asking if he needed money or his computer needed upgrade or not. Cant recall my dad asking me any of these. Well, exam weeks are the most amusing time of all. Since my mum doesnt even know how many subjects I'm still taking and my dad still has this impression that I will get into pharmacy fac though I told him like since 4mths ago I dont offer biology anymore. But I dont think he gets the fact that biology at 'a' lvls is a prerequisite for pharmy.

But on the whole, I still enjoy my life... haha, occasionally meeting a few people who wld brighten up my day. And my mum really isnt that bad save for the fact that she only cooks lunch everyday and I usually have lunch in school. And u wld think I have the most generous and cool dad except that he installs the latest soft/hardware on my bro's PC which isnt on for more than 7hrs per week or buy 2 mini (really mini) laser printers and keep it on his shelf for 2yrs while constantly refusing my request to have it installed on my PC. haha...

So, except for the fact that my friends arent too happy with the way i destress (being alone, and thus 'ignoring' them) and threaten to terminate the friendship, my life is really as nornal as it can be.

Once in a while, love gives you a fairytale in life.
I think I had better read some fairytales by Enid Blyton while waiting for some fairy tales to happen. hehe..
But still, once in a blue moon, a few surprisingly sweet words still comes through like sunlight through a prolonged overcast sky. Peeking so beautifully. I'll be remembering them for long and amuse myself with them whenever the grey clouds are back again. =)

ended in whispers~
(oit, think more romantically =p do u need me to blow softly into ur ears? =x)

Prose in action - Le falto (continued)

Enough of poems, I shall write some prose now.. haha. First of all, to the 2 devils who read my blog illegally =x I shan't write a poem to scold u now... hehe.. but just dont recite my poems to me everytime u c me =.= If not I'll give u 2 a flying kick each =x and rmbr the thing about the link HOR.. =x

Spain is considered a very romantic place for the western romantists, not sure what kind of a place a singaporean romantist who consider romantic. Probably any place under a big hanging bridge with lots of glitter. In case u r wondering wad kind of place I find romantic...well...wad about a kitchen? =p

I'll continue the nxt time =p
---------------------------------------------it's now the 'nxt time' =p
8 July 2005

I still think the kitchen is a romantic place =p and I think cooking breakfast is a very romantic thing to do.. haha... as for the man cooking and woman kacau part =x I think better avoid that kind of romantism if u wake up one day with an especially empty stomach =x Nonethless, probably some other things wld fill u up while in the kitchen =x

I often picture myself owning a house with a front garden and a backyard. And I imagine a silly scene whr I wld pick up the morning papers while some dog come chasing after me while I do so =x hehe...well, I'm scared of dogs =p So i need a muscular and tanned man in a white tee shirt and ruffled hair holding a fresh cup of coffee to shield me from the dog =x Talking about things I'm scared of (few things scare me =x for I think I am often too uninterested to c if I'm scared of it ornot, prefering to use my energy on something more meaningful), I'm really terrified of anything that goes buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. It freaks me out. It makes me lose all my 'pose' and my sense and my nerve and my hair and my voice. So things which buzz includes bees, wasps, big queen ants, beetles, cockroaches, and alarm clocks. But the bees/wasps is really the king. I wld go nuts. You probably think the bee hold a knife if u ever happen to be in the same room as me when a bee flies in. As recent as yesterday, I had an awful enounter with a nest of soon-to-be-killed-by-insecticide hornets in school. I think I nearly cried. I wld have gladly ran and hid in the gents if my friend werent with me. And I got ticked off by a certain teacher for stamping my feet when a hornet tried to build its new home under the seat I'm having. Completely ungentlemanly T_T =x and embarassing for me, and I didnt try to explain that the hornet had mistook my shoelace for a kind of leaf/flower/plant/or anything it can poke its head into.

Back to breakfast =x If I were asked to cook breakfast, I think I wld cook......I mean slip in some bread into the toaster =x haha...perhaps if the day really comes, I'll get the man to do the job =x Unless he doesnt mind toast every morning...muahaha, honestly I dont like bread, haha, I wld prefer something like sushi for breakfast =p something exotic...hehe but I'm jus plain lazy...sometimes I dont even breakfast =p I just grab some carrot juice or nescafe at the nearest 7eleven =x but i'll still cook, for the man =x if i have the chance =x

Just smile, be naughty, and be romantic =p

A poem

Well, this poem is not by me, I found it on a webbie.. hehe
It's the 1st and only thing on my blog which didnt originate from me =x But I love certain phrases in this poem though i cant say the same for the other lines =x hehe...but just enjoy.... and try to picture the poem in ur mind =p

To melt and be like a running brook
That sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart
And give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer
For the beloved in your heart
And a song of praise upon your lips.

~ Kahlil Gibran ~

O my heartless Light!

It is July again. Let me celebrate the anniversary of my blog with my chronic disease of melancholy.

Light!

Let me find you.

Let me hold you.

Let me end my endless nights!

-

O my dear Light,

Stop flickering playfully,

Please answer my prayers and dry my tears,

You had made me run long miles in the winding forest,

night after night.

-

You lighted up and you died out,

and you died out and lighted up.

I flew and I galloped

and I chased and I followed

but when I ever got so near,

I thought I could hold you in my hands,

Why

do You have to disappear?

-

O my elfish Light,

stop fluttering heartlessly

and end my endless nights!

_________________________________

I actually wrote the above ytd. After mulling for the whole night, reading some things this morning and mulling again, I decided that, well, after running wildly in the night for so long, I have already gotten used to it. So,

-

O my wild night!

My never ending wild night,

I'm caught in a frenzy,

perhaps your darkness can soothe me.

-

Be gone my elfish Light!

For you lighted up the forest

and made me see the beastly me.

Perhaps you didnt appear for me to see,

for while I was chasing you,

You were chasing She.

-

If in no Light I cant see with my eyes,

my Heart, I shall be using thee,

for I have Eyes that have blinded me.

-

Ah my Heart,

please give me some directions,

but please dont lead me blindlessly

like my flickering Light had led me.

Through the thistles and the nettles I have gone

and I'm already made weary.

-

So, my Heart,

lead me in this darkness

in this unfathomable darkness.