I wanted to update my blog, but I looked through all my other posts and thought: all that I wanted to say had already been up here.
So, this marks the end of this post.
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Looking for peace (I)
The time now is 12.24am. Not a very nice time to write an essay on my blog. But as normal, I like to clear things in my head before I sleep.
Anyone who spends time to think about speaking or writing or communicating would know that silence is a very powerful tool. In a speech we call it power pause. In a story, we call it melancholoy or 失意美. I forgot the right term to use it =.= Something to do with tragic and beauty. In a relationship, they call it time-out.
Well, I think, silence does good to anything saturated. Example, you like chocolate. You found a new brand which leaves u craving for more and more. After 2 months, it becomes a routine. A routine is never good bcos it is boring. Something less long lasting but more achievable than love is called interest. And interest is opposite to boredom. So, you lose interest in the chocolate, but u sorta like it and sometimes u dont feel gd by ignoring ur daily feedings of chocolate. But dats most probably because you havent found a new brand of chocolate. If chocolates could cry, nobody would make them. Poor chocolate. They yearned to be loved.
Back to my point on silence. In real life, it is very unlikely that you can hold silence long enough for maximum impact. You know, it's like rubber band. It pull it soft, obviously it doesnt break, it will go back to the original shape. Then you would have wasted ur efforts in pulling it. Hence, we have to pull it so hard our hands hurt. Ouch. So, silent game is not to be played by everyone. Of course the impact that you intended it to be may turn out opposite. Which means the rubber band breaks. Ideally the rubber band should 'bounce' back with maximum impact. I warn you all not to try it with a rubber that is not strong enough. The result could be imgained. You break it.
Girls like to talk in a subtle way and expect pple (mainly guys) to catch the hints. Often we think too highly of guys. But then, it's still our nature to talk in riddles. Like we say no, it is not actually no but it could mean, maybe, it could mean yes, it could mean I duno, or it could mean no itself, of cos, lolz. But you get my point eh? =x I need to keep my essay short =x
But sometimes we allow ourselves to hope too much. I thought, in such cases, guys are more practical. Either that or they have an inborn talent to conceal their real emotions and act 潇洒. I think it is the latter. But I musnt be too hopeful. Sometimes facts are presented in front of you. These facts are something you wish not to accept. Women often make the choice of accepting it and crying over it and saying we will get over it, feminist will say 'down with male chauvanist pigs!' and girlish girls will say 'but you dont understand, I like him T_T'. But they all secretly hope that somehow the truth will reverse. Well, we are always hopeful, sometimes to the extent of delusional and when things remains, we cry more. When things reverse in the tiniest bit, we act like every odd day is a christmas holiday (now this is really something I wish). But hmm, it's gd to be clear headed and think properly. You cant possibly ignore it when a plate of something really bad smelling (for me, dat wld be cheese) is placed under your nose for shooooo shooooo long.
So, how does the point about dealing with truth connect with using silence as a tool?
Dealing with the truth is the before. Using silence, is one of an after-paths, after dealing with truth. Er, it's ok if you dont get this point. But the thing is, decisions decisions, have to be made wisely. Words too, have to be chosen wisely. Some words are hurting. But the truth below the absence of words, i.e. silence, can be even more hurtful. So, an open board like is less likely to hurt than a below board lie. A lot of magazines says there's no way to hurt a woman gently. Well, but it depends on how smart that woman is. (But guys always secretly think they are smarter. No matter wad =x)
Well... I look forward to future. I always do. Bcos there is nothing in the present which I think I would want to preserve. Forward looking. Forward looking! I will start chanting this so that it will happen. I wonder which part of my personality contributed to this kind of thinking. =x
Anyone who spends time to think about speaking or writing or communicating would know that silence is a very powerful tool. In a speech we call it power pause. In a story, we call it melancholoy or 失意美. I forgot the right term to use it =.= Something to do with tragic and beauty. In a relationship, they call it time-out.
Well, I think, silence does good to anything saturated. Example, you like chocolate. You found a new brand which leaves u craving for more and more. After 2 months, it becomes a routine. A routine is never good bcos it is boring. Something less long lasting but more achievable than love is called interest. And interest is opposite to boredom. So, you lose interest in the chocolate, but u sorta like it and sometimes u dont feel gd by ignoring ur daily feedings of chocolate. But dats most probably because you havent found a new brand of chocolate. If chocolates could cry, nobody would make them. Poor chocolate. They yearned to be loved.
Back to my point on silence. In real life, it is very unlikely that you can hold silence long enough for maximum impact. You know, it's like rubber band. It pull it soft, obviously it doesnt break, it will go back to the original shape. Then you would have wasted ur efforts in pulling it. Hence, we have to pull it so hard our hands hurt. Ouch. So, silent game is not to be played by everyone. Of course the impact that you intended it to be may turn out opposite. Which means the rubber band breaks. Ideally the rubber band should 'bounce' back with maximum impact. I warn you all not to try it with a rubber that is not strong enough. The result could be imgained. You break it.
Girls like to talk in a subtle way and expect pple (mainly guys) to catch the hints. Often we think too highly of guys. But then, it's still our nature to talk in riddles. Like we say no, it is not actually no but it could mean, maybe, it could mean yes, it could mean I duno, or it could mean no itself, of cos, lolz. But you get my point eh? =x I need to keep my essay short =x
But sometimes we allow ourselves to hope too much. I thought, in such cases, guys are more practical. Either that or they have an inborn talent to conceal their real emotions and act 潇洒. I think it is the latter. But I musnt be too hopeful. Sometimes facts are presented in front of you. These facts are something you wish not to accept. Women often make the choice of accepting it and crying over it and saying we will get over it, feminist will say 'down with male chauvanist pigs!' and girlish girls will say 'but you dont understand, I like him T_T'. But they all secretly hope that somehow the truth will reverse. Well, we are always hopeful, sometimes to the extent of delusional and when things remains, we cry more. When things reverse in the tiniest bit, we act like every odd day is a christmas holiday (now this is really something I wish). But hmm, it's gd to be clear headed and think properly. You cant possibly ignore it when a plate of something really bad smelling (for me, dat wld be cheese) is placed under your nose for shooooo shooooo long.
So, how does the point about dealing with truth connect with using silence as a tool?
Dealing with the truth is the before. Using silence, is one of an after-paths, after dealing with truth. Er, it's ok if you dont get this point. But the thing is, decisions decisions, have to be made wisely. Words too, have to be chosen wisely. Some words are hurting. But the truth below the absence of words, i.e. silence, can be even more hurtful. So, an open board like is less likely to hurt than a below board lie. A lot of magazines says there's no way to hurt a woman gently. Well, but it depends on how smart that woman is. (But guys always secretly think they are smarter. No matter wad =x)
Well... I look forward to future. I always do. Bcos there is nothing in the present which I think I would want to preserve. Forward looking. Forward looking! I will start chanting this so that it will happen. I wonder which part of my personality contributed to this kind of thinking. =x
Sunday, August 28, 2005
There is literature in everything
[music]断了的弦 by Jay Chou
Everythime I blog, I'm reminded of GP. And I always fail GP essays. :s Bad. i like GP, but that failing part is very demoralizing. Sometimes I wonder, if it is: We like something we do well in, or we do well in something we like. Maybe they are the same. lol.
Everything thrives on excellence. Interest thrives on excellence. Society thrives on excellence. Thats why sec1 pupils are taught what is knowledge based economy. =.= They shld be taught how to design logos. We all strive to be the best, in 1 way or the other, sometimes based on personal aspirations, sometimes because of peer pressure, or for sheer thrill? hahaha. But it's driving pple (ok, maybe just me) nuts. Drats T_T I wanna be a caveman. The average caveman can draw better than the average office worker.
I was in the middle of chinese lecture last friday when I was reminded that Singaporeans are a dull lot and singaporean students lack vocal skills. I seem to have a lot of ideas during chinese lectures, lol. Maybe it's because the lecturers have very imspiring talks, or I was simply daydreaming. haha. I thought, the students cannot be blamed for adhering to a system which emphasize academic grades. Sure, PW is intergrated into our system and I like PW. I love projects. But it's taking a toil on our other subjects. Teachers admit that. Then thay cut our syllabus. Then the teachers start to scorn us in class, talking about the past and how their workload was 1 thousand times heavier than ours. I always have an urge to stand up and argue with them about the SYSTEM. I like to use this word. Everytime things go wrong, blame system :x But er.. they would categorise me under "students who need counselling", so I better be a nice student and nod nod then smile whenever they look at me. =x
I was reading xl's blog the other day and I also thought of all she said about her school whenever we got out for lunches on friday. I began to dread JC life, hahaha. I love going out there and do the things, collect my own data, do my own analyse, make my own presentations and get a grade for thinking instead of cooping in the library and trying to memorise how to apply Newtons Law to maths. =( Well, maybe I'll get to be more active when I join uni. That shld be the case, lol. Whenever I have problems studying, I'll just tell myself, I look forward to uni. ^^ Thats when life starts.
Back to the problem of lacking vocal skills. I think students in the poly or neighbourhood schools have better vocal skills than pupils in the above average colleges. I excluded top colleges because I know that there are very good students there who would say something 100 times more rational than what Joseph said in the last school forum during MCV. But to expect students in AJC to speak confidently like scholars in RJ, that is not impossible, but very hard. The school atmosphere doesnt nurtures it. Priorities of students are alos only on things that contribute to report cards. We have 1 OP workshop and dats about it. Teachers in class rush by tutorials while we just copy. Of cos, lecturers do not enjoy being interupted by students during lectures since we have barely 40mins for each lecture. But I seriously think that we shld start cultivating such an environment in which students are encouraged to speak more. And I mean all students, not just handpicked ones. We could start with placing microphones in lecture halls. When students get used to it, it becomes a practice, then pple wont feel paiseh. The system cannot expect to stimulate thinking and creativity cells by just one workshop and yea, by handpicking students to participate in workshops. (Probably I wont complain so much if I get handpicked :x But hey, lol, I'm speaking on behalf of the other 90% of the population. But I can only blog about these here, cos the others dont care, as long as it doesnt affect what they score in 'A's. Haiz, see la, I have to lament =x) Then the adults (meaning any other person other than students) end up scorning us, critising that our life skills sux. I would have gladly post all these in the school forum and tell them that yes, AJ produces gd academic results but the other areas really sux. But from the start of the year till now, no1 has started a thread in the forums b4. I doubt that the moderators even visit it themselves. I once sent an email to one of the moderators. That was in June. Till now I havent got any replies. Wah lau, I feel like getting vulgar :x What joy is there in posting a thread when I know there would be no readers or rebutters? T_T See la, if there was an announcement saying that there are tips on the promos, 50% of the student population would log in to IVLE and the other 50% cant log in bcos they duno how to. Duh~ talk about moving towards IT era. 80% of the teachers have problems using the visualiser in the classrooms. But there's a national blogging competition or something. I think I'll go there and see wad I can yak yak on =D
To be successful and to be happy may not neccessarily equate in today's context anymore. Maybe I'll elaborate more the next time I feel like, lolz. In the modern world (now this ounds really cliched to me) there is almost no absolute anymore. Everything seems to have conjoined and formed grey zones. Like mercy killing. There wouldnt be a conclusion.
Singapore aspires to be the epitome in lifestyle. Lifestyle, meaning everything la, lol. But I think thats not gonna happen any sooner. We cant even match up to Hong Kong. The local culture is just not right. We cant say we have become the epitome in culture by boasting of Esplanade. Spirital advancement, they may be what we need. Just look at mediacorp, 谁家母鸡不生蛋. Wah zzzzz, wad sort of crude title is this of a show lor?! Okies I understand you are trying to get in touch with the masses here. But really, is that the kind of culture we want to instil in people? Hmm, btw I had seriously thought of posting to the local paper's forum. But er, sometimes I would look at my own writings and then feel chicken.
We live in HDB, or some wealthier pple, in condos. We all study, get diplomas, degrees, lament about the lack of ideal jobs and eventually join the already saturated population of middle class. We are all marching towards that. We = students here. Duh~ can we hope to get the Nobel prize by learning about titration curves? There are no more than 10 famous entrepreneurs in Singapore, there are no billionaires, there are no renowned authors. But I may be wrong. haha. It could be that I dont read enough. lol. Anyway, I write based on my current knowledge :x I'm used to having extreme views. But really, if I ask you to name just 5 successful Singaporeans on the spot, would you be able to? Maybe in the small pool of the the local industry we would be able to. That, we would have to spend a lifetime to achieve, in Singapore. By the time we throw the most anticipated tea-party in the trade, we would have become horny grandmas. :p
I would have loved to minor in Philosophy, but thr isnt this course in NUS. So :( And they allocate hostels based on CIP hours. T_T Shards, I hate flag days and working part time at the zoo doesnt earn me any hours :s And even if I get a room, I cant choose my bunkmate. Haiz, sab gonna take up medicine and I'm gonna grad ard 3 years ahead of her~ How to fulfil our dreams like dat?! Lets run faster! But er...effeciency and impatience do not equate.
Bz bz everyday and my tongue seem to fail me. My mind often goes -------- whenever it's not on studies. Cant rmbr wad I did last aug, must be slogging away too. Haiz...AJ dont have enough activities. Comparatively, even RV has more interesting activities to participate in and dats being sarcastic :x But but, my profile in RV looks so much nicer ler T_T My profile in AJ, up to date, only has this international competition new south wales thingy, argh~! And that debating series not counted! And that chinese culture quizzy! And tennis T_T I really run slow :s 39sec! When the fastest girl can run 27sec :x Now thats really bad, isnt it? lol. Miaoxl, if u happen to be reading this post, just laugh :x And they handpick pple for some activities and competitions. Boohoo, T_T maybe they dont hav confidence in students in the APTS list. Drats T_T NOW, I appreciate RV. At least I think I'm better recognised there :x In AJ, in science stream somemore, there are very little chances. Well, at this, some pple gonna bark at me again :x For scoring the best in 古文. lol, I already told u all I like 古文 mah, but when I said that, u all gave me that sian face :x I wanted to tell u all that I read it like a storybook, but I'm afraid I'll get stoned :x LOL. OK la, I haolian abit =x hehe. But that result was a warm welcome, after scoring F in physics (which I thot I was doing rather gd in.. at least in CT2) I wonder what would happen if I accepted readily the troupe master's offer 2 yrs ago to learn cantonese opera under him =p
I can anticipate more boring things these 2 months, not to mention more stress. Haiz, I need endorphins pls! haha. Thats not something one can get verbally =( Spirital union is important, but it is not everything. It is a building block, but not the finishing act. Haiz, well, I can only think alittle, dream alittle and smile alittle. 孤单北半球。haha.
I wish I can trade in Pure Mathematics for Nancy Drew. Well, I think fumin gonna think I'm crazy if I started counting down to November. And my sister is learning swimming now. I'm abit envious =x She's getting a nice tan and with her nice flowing long hair, well, and I'm the nerd at home locked behind my bedroom door and emerging like some undernourished prisoner from time to time. And my dad! Every sunday morning I have to be awakened by his loud discussion with my bro. And shards, my bro is in the basketball schoolteam. My mum was a sprinter in her sch days. My dad is the best shooter and swimmer in army. Was I picked up from the streets?! :x And I'm busy returning daddy's email while he and bro feast their eyes on the latest hp models at suntec. lol. But, I'm supposed to be studying now! :( I wanna be a travel writer. But I'm messing ard with dangerous science. hoho.
Back to studies. :( Cant run away from that T_T
Everythime I blog, I'm reminded of GP. And I always fail GP essays. :s Bad. i like GP, but that failing part is very demoralizing. Sometimes I wonder, if it is: We like something we do well in, or we do well in something we like. Maybe they are the same. lol.
Everything thrives on excellence. Interest thrives on excellence. Society thrives on excellence. Thats why sec1 pupils are taught what is knowledge based economy. =.= They shld be taught how to design logos. We all strive to be the best, in 1 way or the other, sometimes based on personal aspirations, sometimes because of peer pressure, or for sheer thrill? hahaha. But it's driving pple (ok, maybe just me) nuts. Drats T_T I wanna be a caveman. The average caveman can draw better than the average office worker.
I was in the middle of chinese lecture last friday when I was reminded that Singaporeans are a dull lot and singaporean students lack vocal skills. I seem to have a lot of ideas during chinese lectures, lol. Maybe it's because the lecturers have very imspiring talks, or I was simply daydreaming. haha. I thought, the students cannot be blamed for adhering to a system which emphasize academic grades. Sure, PW is intergrated into our system and I like PW. I love projects. But it's taking a toil on our other subjects. Teachers admit that. Then thay cut our syllabus. Then the teachers start to scorn us in class, talking about the past and how their workload was 1 thousand times heavier than ours. I always have an urge to stand up and argue with them about the SYSTEM. I like to use this word. Everytime things go wrong, blame system :x But er.. they would categorise me under "students who need counselling", so I better be a nice student and nod nod then smile whenever they look at me. =x
I was reading xl's blog the other day and I also thought of all she said about her school whenever we got out for lunches on friday. I began to dread JC life, hahaha. I love going out there and do the things, collect my own data, do my own analyse, make my own presentations and get a grade for thinking instead of cooping in the library and trying to memorise how to apply Newtons Law to maths. =( Well, maybe I'll get to be more active when I join uni. That shld be the case, lol. Whenever I have problems studying, I'll just tell myself, I look forward to uni. ^^ Thats when life starts.
Back to the problem of lacking vocal skills. I think students in the poly or neighbourhood schools have better vocal skills than pupils in the above average colleges. I excluded top colleges because I know that there are very good students there who would say something 100 times more rational than what Joseph said in the last school forum during MCV. But to expect students in AJC to speak confidently like scholars in RJ, that is not impossible, but very hard. The school atmosphere doesnt nurtures it. Priorities of students are alos only on things that contribute to report cards. We have 1 OP workshop and dats about it. Teachers in class rush by tutorials while we just copy. Of cos, lecturers do not enjoy being interupted by students during lectures since we have barely 40mins for each lecture. But I seriously think that we shld start cultivating such an environment in which students are encouraged to speak more. And I mean all students, not just handpicked ones. We could start with placing microphones in lecture halls. When students get used to it, it becomes a practice, then pple wont feel paiseh. The system cannot expect to stimulate thinking and creativity cells by just one workshop and yea, by handpicking students to participate in workshops. (Probably I wont complain so much if I get handpicked :x But hey, lol, I'm speaking on behalf of the other 90% of the population. But I can only blog about these here, cos the others dont care, as long as it doesnt affect what they score in 'A's. Haiz, see la, I have to lament =x) Then the adults (meaning any other person other than students) end up scorning us, critising that our life skills sux. I would have gladly post all these in the school forum and tell them that yes, AJ produces gd academic results but the other areas really sux. But from the start of the year till now, no1 has started a thread in the forums b4. I doubt that the moderators even visit it themselves. I once sent an email to one of the moderators. That was in June. Till now I havent got any replies. Wah lau, I feel like getting vulgar :x What joy is there in posting a thread when I know there would be no readers or rebutters? T_T See la, if there was an announcement saying that there are tips on the promos, 50% of the student population would log in to IVLE and the other 50% cant log in bcos they duno how to. Duh~ talk about moving towards IT era. 80% of the teachers have problems using the visualiser in the classrooms. But there's a national blogging competition or something. I think I'll go there and see wad I can yak yak on =D
To be successful and to be happy may not neccessarily equate in today's context anymore. Maybe I'll elaborate more the next time I feel like, lolz. In the modern world (now this ounds really cliched to me) there is almost no absolute anymore. Everything seems to have conjoined and formed grey zones. Like mercy killing. There wouldnt be a conclusion.
Singapore aspires to be the epitome in lifestyle. Lifestyle, meaning everything la, lol. But I think thats not gonna happen any sooner. We cant even match up to Hong Kong. The local culture is just not right. We cant say we have become the epitome in culture by boasting of Esplanade. Spirital advancement, they may be what we need. Just look at mediacorp, 谁家母鸡不生蛋. Wah zzzzz, wad sort of crude title is this of a show lor?! Okies I understand you are trying to get in touch with the masses here. But really, is that the kind of culture we want to instil in people? Hmm, btw I had seriously thought of posting to the local paper's forum. But er, sometimes I would look at my own writings and then feel chicken.
We live in HDB, or some wealthier pple, in condos. We all study, get diplomas, degrees, lament about the lack of ideal jobs and eventually join the already saturated population of middle class. We are all marching towards that. We = students here. Duh~ can we hope to get the Nobel prize by learning about titration curves? There are no more than 10 famous entrepreneurs in Singapore, there are no billionaires, there are no renowned authors. But I may be wrong. haha. It could be that I dont read enough. lol. Anyway, I write based on my current knowledge :x I'm used to having extreme views. But really, if I ask you to name just 5 successful Singaporeans on the spot, would you be able to? Maybe in the small pool of the the local industry we would be able to. That, we would have to spend a lifetime to achieve, in Singapore. By the time we throw the most anticipated tea-party in the trade, we would have become horny grandmas. :p
I would have loved to minor in Philosophy, but thr isnt this course in NUS. So :( And they allocate hostels based on CIP hours. T_T Shards, I hate flag days and working part time at the zoo doesnt earn me any hours :s And even if I get a room, I cant choose my bunkmate. Haiz, sab gonna take up medicine and I'm gonna grad ard 3 years ahead of her~ How to fulfil our dreams like dat?! Lets run faster! But er...effeciency and impatience do not equate.
Bz bz everyday and my tongue seem to fail me. My mind often goes -------- whenever it's not on studies. Cant rmbr wad I did last aug, must be slogging away too. Haiz...AJ dont have enough activities. Comparatively, even RV has more interesting activities to participate in and dats being sarcastic :x But but, my profile in RV looks so much nicer ler T_T My profile in AJ, up to date, only has this international competition new south wales thingy, argh~! And that debating series not counted! And that chinese culture quizzy! And tennis T_T I really run slow :s 39sec! When the fastest girl can run 27sec :x Now thats really bad, isnt it? lol. Miaoxl, if u happen to be reading this post, just laugh :x And they handpick pple for some activities and competitions. Boohoo, T_T maybe they dont hav confidence in students in the APTS list. Drats T_T NOW, I appreciate RV. At least I think I'm better recognised there :x In AJ, in science stream somemore, there are very little chances. Well, at this, some pple gonna bark at me again :x For scoring the best in 古文. lol, I already told u all I like 古文 mah, but when I said that, u all gave me that sian face :x I wanted to tell u all that I read it like a storybook, but I'm afraid I'll get stoned :x LOL. OK la, I haolian abit =x hehe. But that result was a warm welcome, after scoring F in physics (which I thot I was doing rather gd in.. at least in CT2) I wonder what would happen if I accepted readily the troupe master's offer 2 yrs ago to learn cantonese opera under him =p
I can anticipate more boring things these 2 months, not to mention more stress. Haiz, I need endorphins pls! haha. Thats not something one can get verbally =( Spirital union is important, but it is not everything. It is a building block, but not the finishing act. Haiz, well, I can only think alittle, dream alittle and smile alittle. 孤单北半球。haha.
I wish I can trade in Pure Mathematics for Nancy Drew. Well, I think fumin gonna think I'm crazy if I started counting down to November. And my sister is learning swimming now. I'm abit envious =x She's getting a nice tan and with her nice flowing long hair, well, and I'm the nerd at home locked behind my bedroom door and emerging like some undernourished prisoner from time to time. And my dad! Every sunday morning I have to be awakened by his loud discussion with my bro. And shards, my bro is in the basketball schoolteam. My mum was a sprinter in her sch days. My dad is the best shooter and swimmer in army. Was I picked up from the streets?! :x And I'm busy returning daddy's email while he and bro feast their eyes on the latest hp models at suntec. lol. But, I'm supposed to be studying now! :( I wanna be a travel writer. But I'm messing ard with dangerous science. hoho.
Back to studies. :( Cant run away from that T_T
Saturday, August 27, 2005
晴天
I like Jay Chou's songs, I bought almost all the early albums, which includes MVs, but lazy as I am, I nvr watch them. Today, halfway through my work, at 11pm++, I decided to watch the MV of 童话, but it was taking a long time to load =x so I played the MV of my favourite song, 晴天。I dont like listening to songs, bcos I dont like being lost in them. Feels...vulnerable. I remember the 1st ever CD I bought was stephanie sun's album, with the song 逃亡. It was the theme song of a taiwan serial drama I liked, and the moment I heard it, I told myself I must buy the CD. I lost myself in it. And I didnt tell any1 I liked that song =x I listened to it everynight quietly before I sleep. Then there was a long period before I bought my next 2 CDs for the sake of 2 songs, 晴天 and 轨迹. This time, it was because my ex-secret lover, lolz, loved these 2 songs. He puts the lyrics on his msn nick, hums them all the time and one fine day, I decided to buy the albums and listen to them. It has been a long time since I met him. Actually not that long. Years after graduation, I met him by chance at Heeren, it was the eve of national day, just last aug. Xinlin and Linda were with me and witnessed it all. =x We were walking then he just walked past me, with his friends. And..er, well, xl and linda thought they were watching an MV =x We held the glance for very long, but we continued walking. I wonder if you can imagine the scene, haha. Haiz... I havent thought of it since that day. But listening to 晴天 now, made me think of him, inevitably, and I begin to think of the old times. He is in many ways like a friend I know now. He was a gd friend too. Those kind of good guys who can make u feel warmth. We shared a number of jokes, a number of interests, even shared the same duties in school. But we never crossed the line. I nvr told him explicitly, but he knew. Partly bcos of ni-jie, till now, I wonder if it was a gd thing that happened, or bad. I have a friendster account now because he wanted me to sign up. I went to church because he believes in it. And I began the habit of signing to msn daily, bcos he is always thr. But now, he doesnt sign in anymore. =) And my no. of contacts have since tripled. When I'm too tired to think, I take to music. Cultivated this habit because of him too. haha. I used to listen to his favourite songs whenever I miss him. I used to wonder what he was thinking, when he listened to those songs. So gentle. Him, and the song. haha. Of course, I'm surprised how fast time had flown. Now that I think of it, it seems that tomorrow morning I'm gonna to collect the M.D. for him again. But... even the school has been demolished, lolz. Martyrdom, that was his faith. Perhaps it was wrong of me to try to change myself to suit him. I never attended church since. I wouldnt think of him in the same way again. Not bcos I dont like him anymore, but, it's very very mild now, to the extent of non-existence. I can still smile, whenever I think of how he smiles, how blur he looks when I talk very fast. lolz. It's a wonder how much I can recall, just by listening to one song. And all these will be forgotten again when I return to my work.
haha~
haha~
Friday, August 26, 2005
There is room at the bottom
我带着平静的心情写这篇日记。突然发觉默契的重要性。随即所有以往所执著的东西都变得微不足道，心情放宽了。默契是无言的。默契是一个眼神的交会，一个句 话，一首歌。当两个人同时共有同样的想法，同样的体会，同样的口味，同样的嗜好，同样的笑话，那便是我心里所想的默契。它能是爱，它也能不是爱。这两者之 间已成为灰色地带。迷迷糊糊之中似乎有点浪漫，有点洒脱，有点伤神，有点寂寞，但，淡淡的拥有、久久的享受和轰轰烈烈的结合、昙花一现的快乐，两者之间又 如何决定呢？其实，我们并不需要有决定。默契吗… :p
我喜欢当个浪漫主义者，我享受浪漫… :p 我喜欢听感性的歌，我喜欢背徐志摩的诗，我喜欢咖啡的味道，喜欢法国懒散浪漫的情调^^，喜欢西班牙令人陶醉的街市，喜欢无缘无故对着人笑，喜欢静静地、慢慢地看着时间走着。有时我怀疑，这到底是懒惰还是烂漫？哈哈…
当然，一辈子玩耍，一辈子享受，那是没可能的。T_T 但是我依然会向这个梦想前进！我要做一些能够让我快乐的事。虽然生活没有完美，没有童话，但是我还是想要追求一些不实际的东西…虽然知道没什么可能。世界是互动的。又回到了默契。嗨…浪漫哟…真痛苦。
To prove that I'm an effectively bilingual student :x I will blog again, in English! lol
Today, I blog in a relaxed mood. maybe because it's a friday, or maybe it's because I just listened to a song, but maybe it's because I just had a shower, lolz. was thinking about the importance of tacit understanding. I didnt know a better word to use, haha. It's more clear if I use 默契 but er..I'm an effectively bilingual student =x Tacit understand... ah~ is an exchange of a glance, a sentence, a song. When two pple share a common view, a common experience, taste, interest, joke, that is what I feel tacit understanding shld be. ^^ It can be love and it can not be love. In any case, it has been a grey region in between. Sub-consciously, it seems to be romantic, nonchalant, abit upsetting as well as abit lonely. But, wld one rather experience a mild but lingering er...sensation, or a fiery and shortlived union? =o Well, there is no need for a decision. It all boils down to tacit understanding again. hehe.
I enjoy being a romantist. I enjoy romanticism (note the difference between romance and romanticism. honestly, I dont noe if thr's this word romanticism, but I used it anyway to differentiate it from romance =x) I love listening to sentimental songs, tho I wld rather not admit openly, lolz, I love reciting Xu Zhimo's poems, I love the aroma of coffee, the slow and romantic ambedience of France, I like the aluring streets of Spain, I like giving smiles to pple for no reason, as long as they dont think I'm nuts, lol, and I enjoy taking time off, occassionally, to look at the passing time, passing crowd. Sometimes I wonder if it's laziness or romanticism I'm talking about, hahaha.
Of course, I cant play and enjoy myself all life T_T But I will march towards this dream! =x And do some things that I will enjoy. Well, life isnt perfect but I think it's an inborn tendency humans to pursue unpractical and likely impossible things. The world is interactive...erm..maybe I shld say, pple are inter-dependant. Back to tacit understanding. Haiz... romantic wor... agonising.
我喜欢当个浪漫主义者，我享受浪漫… :p 我喜欢听感性的歌，我喜欢背徐志摩的诗，我喜欢咖啡的味道，喜欢法国懒散浪漫的情调^^，喜欢西班牙令人陶醉的街市，喜欢无缘无故对着人笑，喜欢静静地、慢慢地看着时间走着。有时我怀疑，这到底是懒惰还是烂漫？哈哈…
当然，一辈子玩耍，一辈子享受，那是没可能的。T_T 但是我依然会向这个梦想前进！我要做一些能够让我快乐的事。虽然生活没有完美，没有童话，但是我还是想要追求一些不实际的东西…虽然知道没什么可能。世界是互动的。又回到了默契。嗨…浪漫哟…真痛苦。
To prove that I'm an effectively bilingual student :x I will blog again, in English! lol
Today, I blog in a relaxed mood. maybe because it's a friday, or maybe it's because I just listened to a song, but maybe it's because I just had a shower, lolz. was thinking about the importance of tacit understanding. I didnt know a better word to use, haha. It's more clear if I use 默契 but er..I'm an effectively bilingual student =x Tacit understand... ah~ is an exchange of a glance, a sentence, a song. When two pple share a common view, a common experience, taste, interest, joke, that is what I feel tacit understanding shld be. ^^ It can be love and it can not be love. In any case, it has been a grey region in between. Sub-consciously, it seems to be romantic, nonchalant, abit upsetting as well as abit lonely. But, wld one rather experience a mild but lingering er...sensation, or a fiery and shortlived union? =o Well, there is no need for a decision. It all boils down to tacit understanding again. hehe.
I enjoy being a romantist. I enjoy romanticism (note the difference between romance and romanticism. honestly, I dont noe if thr's this word romanticism, but I used it anyway to differentiate it from romance =x) I love listening to sentimental songs, tho I wld rather not admit openly, lolz, I love reciting Xu Zhimo's poems, I love the aroma of coffee, the slow and romantic ambedience of France, I like the aluring streets of Spain, I like giving smiles to pple for no reason, as long as they dont think I'm nuts, lol, and I enjoy taking time off, occassionally, to look at the passing time, passing crowd. Sometimes I wonder if it's laziness or romanticism I'm talking about, hahaha.
Of course, I cant play and enjoy myself all life T_T But I will march towards this dream! =x And do some things that I will enjoy. Well, life isnt perfect but I think it's an inborn tendency humans to pursue unpractical and likely impossible things. The world is interactive...erm..maybe I shld say, pple are inter-dependant. Back to tacit understanding. Haiz... romantic wor... agonising.
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
5-minute post
Okies I only have 5mins to update my blog! lolz, I wanna get to bed, now is 11.25pm. I certainly am not going to write about the globalisation thing now =x U know, science kills all my brain cells. Haiz, and R & D is going to be the next big thing in singapore. Stress on science students T_T I wonder what made me overestimate myself =x duno if I can get the degree ornot. :s I ran out of muse to write poems! So,... I'll be writing boring stuff about my life instead, lolz. Life has been monotonous, since it's nearing exams. But I find that some things can still brighten up life, lolz. Once in a while, maybe, also for that short 2h or so. lolz. But ytd was quite bad, I was writing an essay on alleviating poverty in the world and I spent a bad 6h of my slp (I slept at 12 and woke at 6) dreaming about poverty issues. =.= What a waste of 6h! boohooo T_T And I realised that when I click on other months besides aug in the archives, my display pic becomes the old one. Is dat normal? :P I read that famous xiaxue's blog a few days ago. Well, i shld say it is interesting lol. Had a gd luff over her entries. Each sentence sounds like she's screaming :x route to hypertension =p In case I dont sound like it, I dont really think very highly of her blog =x lolz, but its a blog, not a literature textbook =p In my opinion :x, her entries are kinda like those kinds of cheap laughs which pple either stand at the magazine stall to read or buy and read once then throw. I'm not mocking xD I swear :x
Okies, 5mins up. Gd nite ^^,
Okies, 5mins up. Gd nite ^^,
Sunday, August 21, 2005
In the middle of the night, or 1.55am
People dont have headaches for no reasons. Recently I seem to have more frequent headaches. I wonder if it's school work or just every other thing. Probably just lack of sleep, or too much sleep. I either sleep 4h or 14h. Thats not very healthy, haha. Once I slept for 14h, and the next day I was late for school. =.= Such irony.
When a person is busy, or stressed, or having headaches, everything seem to come out on the wrong side. This is happening to me. Maybe it's not happening to me. Jokes dont tend to be funny anymore. The interest is not there. Well, you can feel the forced laughs and basically, you have time to wonder how are you gonna keep up the conversation. But maybe it's just that the receiver of my information is, er.. bored, lol. In any case, I'm not sure if I'm talking sense now.
I enjoy thinking of titles or headings, I would say. Speaking of this I just remember I have to complete an essay on how to alleviate poverty or something like that =s There, you see, headaches do not happen for no reason =x. Back to the headings. I think it's because I think in fragmented pieces. I enjoy making loud but sweeping statements. Well, I think everyone would like that, lolz, since it does not require much braincells. I was changing my msn nick at the rate of 2 per minute tonight. Not sure if there would be some1 on my contact list would have looked at all of them =x I was having a 3 way conversation with 2 of my other girl--friends, and they were busying suan-ing me, lol. But I was having too much of a headache and well, I'm busying typing here, so I didnt pay much attention. Occassionally I alt-tab back and see phrases like xuan's-roasted-pig-viewpt, she's not a really health conscious person, she watch horror movies everyday by looking into the mirror, etc etc. lol.
A few days ago I was scanning the nicks of every1 on my msn. Weird looking at them and trying to figure out their state of mind when they put in the nicks. Well, for pple who dont hav a long statement for a nick, i.e. pple who only have their names, there is even much more to ponder over, lol. Too bad I cant copy and paste their nicks here and I'm lazy to type, if not I may use around 1h of my sleeping time to write my comments on their nicks =x But I must be executed for this. I'm wasting my time instead of doing something more productive T_T
Interest is a very important part of a person's life. Partly because 90% of the things which happens on the earth now happened bcos of interest. The other 10% happened bcos pple got lucky and the last 10% happened bcos of XXX reasons. hahaha. The reason why you and I are here, is because ur parents got a certain interest in each other =x Boo, I feel abit crude here, lolz. Sometimes I would think, well, if you think u cant find love on earth, just take a look at ur mum and dad. But thr's a possibility that they are not very loving, lolz. Still, here are mums and dads =p which meant something lovely, like love, did happen between them.
I took a cold shower at around 10pm, to wake myself up. Then I suddenly had this idea of going to the Amazon rainforest for holiday, tho it could hardly be the kind of dream holiday pple look forward to, haha. Then I started picturing what I would do if I were really there. =p Lots of places I wanna visit and so much things that I wanna do, but haiz... sometimes, really most of the time, things are against our wishes.
Back to the topic of having headaches. Maybe it's bcos I nap. I dont sleep. I nap in the afternoon. Work for a few hrs. Then nap again before I wake up in the morning. I feel abit sick, maybe a fever is coming. My stamina is bad now =.= I feel like an aunty and I look like a hag. Argh. Bad bad bad.
I wish. I could only wish. T_T
p.s. I realise I blog almost everyday. This is really not my style! Girls shld be conserved! =x Really? Tmr I'll blog about globalisation and the the liberation of minds =P
When a person is busy, or stressed, or having headaches, everything seem to come out on the wrong side. This is happening to me. Maybe it's not happening to me. Jokes dont tend to be funny anymore. The interest is not there. Well, you can feel the forced laughs and basically, you have time to wonder how are you gonna keep up the conversation. But maybe it's just that the receiver of my information is, er.. bored, lol. In any case, I'm not sure if I'm talking sense now.
I enjoy thinking of titles or headings, I would say. Speaking of this I just remember I have to complete an essay on how to alleviate poverty or something like that =s There, you see, headaches do not happen for no reason =x. Back to the headings. I think it's because I think in fragmented pieces. I enjoy making loud but sweeping statements. Well, I think everyone would like that, lolz, since it does not require much braincells. I was changing my msn nick at the rate of 2 per minute tonight. Not sure if there would be some1 on my contact list would have looked at all of them =x I was having a 3 way conversation with 2 of my other girl--friends, and they were busying suan-ing me, lol. But I was having too much of a headache and well, I'm busying typing here, so I didnt pay much attention. Occassionally I alt-tab back and see phrases like xuan's-roasted-pig-viewpt, she's not a really health conscious person, she watch horror movies everyday by looking into the mirror, etc etc. lol.
A few days ago I was scanning the nicks of every1 on my msn. Weird looking at them and trying to figure out their state of mind when they put in the nicks. Well, for pple who dont hav a long statement for a nick, i.e. pple who only have their names, there is even much more to ponder over, lol. Too bad I cant copy and paste their nicks here and I'm lazy to type, if not I may use around 1h of my sleeping time to write my comments on their nicks =x But I must be executed for this. I'm wasting my time instead of doing something more productive T_T
Interest is a very important part of a person's life. Partly because 90% of the things which happens on the earth now happened bcos of interest. The other 10% happened bcos pple got lucky and the last 10% happened bcos of XXX reasons. hahaha. The reason why you and I are here, is because ur parents got a certain interest in each other =x Boo, I feel abit crude here, lolz. Sometimes I would think, well, if you think u cant find love on earth, just take a look at ur mum and dad. But thr's a possibility that they are not very loving, lolz. Still, here are mums and dads =p which meant something lovely, like love, did happen between them.
I took a cold shower at around 10pm, to wake myself up. Then I suddenly had this idea of going to the Amazon rainforest for holiday, tho it could hardly be the kind of dream holiday pple look forward to, haha. Then I started picturing what I would do if I were really there. =p Lots of places I wanna visit and so much things that I wanna do, but haiz... sometimes, really most of the time, things are against our wishes.
Back to the topic of having headaches. Maybe it's bcos I nap. I dont sleep. I nap in the afternoon. Work for a few hrs. Then nap again before I wake up in the morning. I feel abit sick, maybe a fever is coming. My stamina is bad now =.= I feel like an aunty and I look like a hag. Argh. Bad bad bad.
I wish. I could only wish. T_T
p.s. I realise I blog almost everyday. This is really not my style! Girls shld be conserved! =x Really? Tmr I'll blog about globalisation and the the liberation of minds =P
Friday, August 19, 2005
Plough on!
Occassinally, I will appreciate the fact that I'm not able to get into my dream school(VJ) and take my dream course(theatre studies and drama). But of course, I learnt that there isnt anything called dream course for a lazy pig in Singapore. lol. Now, anderson is not that bad, except for the fact that it looks like a run down power plant and when it rains really hard, the grates get washed up and all everywhere in school gets flooded. Er and something else, it got a reputation as a mugger school which isnt a bad thing but make students drop hair and get black eye circles. (Honestly, RJ is oso a mugger school but at least they look cool when they mug. We look mugger when we mug. :x)
But really, apart from these and some other which I didnt mention, there is still something worthwhile to enjoy and appreciate about academic life in anderson, haha and that is the lecturers :p and some tutors, lolz. Now I have to sidetrack alittle and remind myself that I hate miaoxl cos she gets to call Leon, Leon. :p Normally, I dont call Eng Hock, Eng Hock. I call him Sir or Mr.Ng. Occassionally I hear pple calling him 'oei' and oftenly, I hear pple calling him ah pek :p hehehehe. Back to the topics of lecturers. In anderson, a lecturer can make a lame comment like she would become a free radical (radicals are really fierce things :), =.= actually, they are atoms or a group of atoms that contain an unpaired electron. if you dont understand this, just know that radicals are what make nuclear weapons work. lol) if we dont copy faster. Now, she, is really funny. lol. But I'm not really sure if she meant that to be funny or serious =x. In any case, it made us copy notes slower cause we had to stop and stare at each other and then, laugh. hehe.
And the chinese lecturer, who so happens to be the HOD of languages, calls himself LKK =.= and attempts to explain classics with hokkien and singlish. =.= Now dats really, novel. I er... the first time I attended his lecture, I thought, what is this? T_T You dont have to degrade yourself to make us interested in your lectures. But well, looking at the rest of the students, I haha, can sort of understand =x But I really enjoy his lectures now. Hahaha. He, although still calls himself LKK and acts out all his anecdotes and repeats them with the same animation, is indeed very very wise. Really, lol. As time passes, I began to feel his wisdom and er..all the other gd things, lol, beneath all those lame jokes and overdone informality. And I really am beginning to feel sorry that he has to teach a bunch of uninterested people who sleeps in class, blurt out unnecassay comments and cant even give a chinese presentation without using english halfway through =.= And drats! Whats the point of taking CLA if they dont like it! I feel sad for the lovers of this language :( namely our lecturers and some of the other CLA students. Throw our face, giving a chinese presentation to chinese students on a trip to china with an overdose of gigglish laughter and broken chinese and end up giving the talk in english with occassional feeble attempts to include ONE chinese word or two. =.= I can get Zawiah(my malay classmate) to come and sing a chinese love song to them and they would die of shame bcos she can do it more profficiently than they do. Now, perhaps I'm over-reacting but I can truly feel how those writers felt when they wrote articles, a few years when the govt made major revamps to the chinese syllabus in schools, in the local papers on how disheartening it is to see the decline of chinese in singapore when it had even been the main teaching language in schools years ago.
Back to my lecturers. haha. I have this chem tutor who once asked our class if she can explain the concepts in chinese and we were like....stun~ Okies, lol, remotely professional but at least the class laughed light-heartedly and the tutor too, haha. Imagine having this kind of lecturers in VJ, or NJ, or HCI, ya know, the top 5 =p. Now now, the students there will be disgusted.. hahaha. Really. But here in anderson, even the principal gets away with pronouncing photography as foto-graph-fie.
:x opps. hehe.
But really, apart from these and some other which I didnt mention, there is still something worthwhile to enjoy and appreciate about academic life in anderson, haha and that is the lecturers :p and some tutors, lolz. Now I have to sidetrack alittle and remind myself that I hate miaoxl cos she gets to call Leon, Leon. :p Normally, I dont call Eng Hock, Eng Hock. I call him Sir or Mr.Ng. Occassionally I hear pple calling him 'oei' and oftenly, I hear pple calling him ah pek :p hehehehe. Back to the topics of lecturers. In anderson, a lecturer can make a lame comment like she would become a free radical (radicals are really fierce things :), =.= actually, they are atoms or a group of atoms that contain an unpaired electron. if you dont understand this, just know that radicals are what make nuclear weapons work. lol) if we dont copy faster. Now, she, is really funny. lol. But I'm not really sure if she meant that to be funny or serious =x. In any case, it made us copy notes slower cause we had to stop and stare at each other and then, laugh. hehe.
And the chinese lecturer, who so happens to be the HOD of languages, calls himself LKK =.= and attempts to explain classics with hokkien and singlish. =.= Now dats really, novel. I er... the first time I attended his lecture, I thought, what is this? T_T You dont have to degrade yourself to make us interested in your lectures. But well, looking at the rest of the students, I haha, can sort of understand =x But I really enjoy his lectures now. Hahaha. He, although still calls himself LKK and acts out all his anecdotes and repeats them with the same animation, is indeed very very wise. Really, lol. As time passes, I began to feel his wisdom and er..all the other gd things, lol, beneath all those lame jokes and overdone informality. And I really am beginning to feel sorry that he has to teach a bunch of uninterested people who sleeps in class, blurt out unnecassay comments and cant even give a chinese presentation without using english halfway through =.= And drats! Whats the point of taking CLA if they dont like it! I feel sad for the lovers of this language :( namely our lecturers and some of the other CLA students. Throw our face, giving a chinese presentation to chinese students on a trip to china with an overdose of gigglish laughter and broken chinese and end up giving the talk in english with occassional feeble attempts to include ONE chinese word or two. =.= I can get Zawiah(my malay classmate) to come and sing a chinese love song to them and they would die of shame bcos she can do it more profficiently than they do. Now, perhaps I'm over-reacting but I can truly feel how those writers felt when they wrote articles, a few years when the govt made major revamps to the chinese syllabus in schools, in the local papers on how disheartening it is to see the decline of chinese in singapore when it had even been the main teaching language in schools years ago.
Back to my lecturers. haha. I have this chem tutor who once asked our class if she can explain the concepts in chinese and we were like....stun~ Okies, lol, remotely professional but at least the class laughed light-heartedly and the tutor too, haha. Imagine having this kind of lecturers in VJ, or NJ, or HCI, ya know, the top 5 =p. Now now, the students there will be disgusted.. hahaha. Really. But here in anderson, even the principal gets away with pronouncing photography as foto-graph-fie.
:x opps. hehe.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Notes before dinner
When I left RV, I told my friends, "I will keep long hair!" To date, the longest length of my hair ever recorded was abit further than my shoulder. Grrr.... my hair wont grow T_T must be due to the high level of stress that I'm undergoing =x And, doh~, today I went to cut my hair. lolz. I dont think it will get any longer than the longest (sounds confusing? :p) by the end of this year. I wonder how I would look like with flaming red hair. I asked a girl------friend, and she said I will look like a lion. =.= I asked her if it would be better if I dye it brown. She said I would look like a dog. =.= But still, I think I will dye it red some time later. xD
I hate it when it comes to the 2nd half of the year. The only things that I can look forward to are, my birthday and christmas! lolz. Back to after June. I'm so so busy. T_T One reason is, I have to complete the 2nd half of the yr's work AND 1st half of the yr's work. haha. And the worst thing is, I know I cant slack any more! And er...my future doesnt look very promising and if I slack any more, it looks worse. =x lol. I'm a practical SinGapolean! Next time (which means when I have time which probably means never) I swear to write a 5000 word essay on why stress kills creativity.
I'm suffering from the panda-eye condition now. Even my dad who doesnt see me for more than 10mins per day (for weekdays), reckons that I have really dark eye circles (and eye bags =.=) LOR! Argh~ And I can't wear my specs to cover them up cos I squashed them last weekend T_T due to an unfortunate event. This weekend I have many things to complete. Even before outings I need to visit libraries =s And...that's all for today. Thank you for tuning in.
=x
I hate it when it comes to the 2nd half of the year. The only things that I can look forward to are, my birthday and christmas! lolz. Back to after June. I'm so so busy. T_T One reason is, I have to complete the 2nd half of the yr's work AND 1st half of the yr's work. haha. And the worst thing is, I know I cant slack any more! And er...my future doesnt look very promising and if I slack any more, it looks worse. =x lol. I'm a practical SinGapolean! Next time (which means when I have time which probably means never) I swear to write a 5000 word essay on why stress kills creativity.
I'm suffering from the panda-eye condition now. Even my dad who doesnt see me for more than 10mins per day (for weekdays), reckons that I have really dark eye circles (and eye bags =.=) LOR! Argh~ And I can't wear my specs to cover them up cos I squashed them last weekend T_T due to an unfortunate event. This weekend I have many things to complete. Even before outings I need to visit libraries =s And...that's all for today. Thank you for tuning in.
=x
Monday, August 15, 2005
Very short note~!
[time]8.10pm [weather]hot~ (not that it's cold when it's cold in singapore =x now this is cold =x)
[mood]So busy that I feel lazy... lolz
I was humming this song in class all day, unintentionally. It was so soft and soothing to me. And it can be sung so tenderly and lightly, hehe. I forgot the lyrics so I made up some of my own =x and made up my mind to look for it once I'm home. hahaha. I cant remember when I 1st heard it, was yearrrrrrsss ago. Doubt I can find the mp3 on the net. Returned home late and feeling sleepy but I cant sleep without even trying to finish some work 1st =x Had spent 4h at my relative's place this afternoon. Lovely. And I got a gift, haha. Though my grandma thought I am fat T_T And I thought of things, again, hahaha. And well, better be 今朝有酒今朝醉。^^
[music] 关怀方式
[mood]So busy that I feel lazy... lolz
I was humming this song in class all day, unintentionally. It was so soft and soothing to me. And it can be sung so tenderly and lightly, hehe. I forgot the lyrics so I made up some of my own =x and made up my mind to look for it once I'm home. hahaha. I cant remember when I 1st heard it, was yearrrrrrsss ago. Doubt I can find the mp3 on the net. Returned home late and feeling sleepy but I cant sleep without even trying to finish some work 1st =x Had spent 4h at my relative's place this afternoon. Lovely. And I got a gift, haha. Though my grandma thought I am fat T_T And I thought of things, again, hahaha. And well, better be 今朝有酒今朝醉。^^
[music] 关怀方式
| 作词：胡文龙 |
| 作曲：林绥安 |
| 主唱：陈汉玮、蔡礼莲 |
| 寂寞开在心事旁 |
| 随手种一些伤感 |
| 不让星星来窥探 |
| 找个沉默的夜晚 |
| 找个沉默的夜晚 |
| 不让星星来窥探 |
| 随手种一些伤感 |
| 寂寞开在心事旁 |
| 我的关怀方式是你无法察觉的悲凉 |
| 只能在你不经意时才锁上我心房 |
| 你往常的亲切友善是我今生的遗憾 |
| 受伤后无悔的埋在不流露的脸上 |
Sunday, August 14, 2005
The time is now 2.25pm
I spent close to 3hrs reading pple's blog(of course there are some blogs where pple dont update and er I hav no lame comments to include =x) and commenting and laughing and feeling grave and well, here I am at my blog again. And I REALISE I HAVE A HELL LOT TO LEARN FROM PPLE AND I HAVE A THOUSAND THINGS UNDONE! And that I'm procrastinate and schizoid and i'm beginning to appreciate and like GOTHIC things again! (after reading someone's blog) and really, this is not some form of insanity but rather evidence of a great, disciplined mind working =x Okies, I'm self-complimenting. And argh I have a hundred stories in my C drive unfinished and my co-writer isnt really helping, since she is busy with french and HTML, CSS, PHP, Javascript, 3D Studio MX, Photoshop, Illustrator, Cinema 4D and even set herself out to learn, horror of horrors, cooking and 10 dishes by the end of 3 years AND now... she can't even fry an egg! (this is quoted from her blog, lolz, I changed the 1st person's pt of view to 3rd =x)
And I do like this Archos Gmini 402! haha. hahahaha.
And, I'm backie to work.
And I do like this Archos Gmini 402! haha. hahahaha.
And, I'm backie to work.
Morning post, 11.44am
11.44am isnt really morning, but I woke late. Though I slept at 9+ last night. I wonder if it's the morning grouchiness or my mood that's making the sunday morning dull. I didnt want to start work yet, so I decided to come online for a while. Had plenty of dreams last night, bad and good. Hahaha. At least some of them made me laugh. I particularly remember this dream in which my dad forced me to change college in order to be in the same college as someone whom he arranged for me to marry. =.= (stun) lolz. Then there are several other dreams which I could not remember. It appears to me that when a person tries to forget some things, he will forget everything. I mean, every other thing, lolz. Which is why my memory is so bad nowadays. It's getting abit hazy and sometimes there is a few seconds time lapse between feeling upset and realising the reason for it. But as time goes by, I'll be able to do these sub-consciously, which is what that's intended in the 1st place, hahaha. Well, why am I laughing?~ Haiz... T_T
There is so much more to say but I do not know how. I'm keeping myself busy, very busy, to keep my mind off things. But when things quiet down and I have time to think about things, of course, when one part of me tries to forget and the other part of me tries to make myself face it, when these two contradictions appear simultaneously, the result is, I spend hours and hours feeling blank and typing stuff which doesnt make sense to others.
For me, the time to seek for an answer had already passed. I remember some weeks ago, in my distress, I asked someone for an answer. He paused for a while and replied me with," Say wad? You have your own eyes to see." It took 5 minutes for me to digest that statement. Meanwhile in this 5 minutes, I could feel it inside me, that a lot of changes were taking place, but it was all so hazy and I couldnt quite know what the result was, since I'm still feeling lost and abit hazy now. And some weeks following this, I was in despair again and I asked another person a question. And she replied me like this, "you cannot make the decisions for him. You have in mind the possibility of a happy ending, so to speak, with him. You already know that you are just pushing the reality." I was taken confused but in a split second later I thought I did understand, in fact, I understand that I already understood it long ago. But with someone saying it out, it took me still as hard. I was upset and silent for a rather long while and I seem to have reached another conclusion and spoke to her again. Her reply was, "talking this out with him may lead to some form of closure, but you also have to be careful." And now that is why I have so much to say but do not know how. Eventually, I took the most immature route, by avoiding. Avoiding to look, avoiding to talk about it and sometimes it works sometimes it doesnt. And now I feel, that all these, inevitably, may lead to some form of closure in the end, T_T, for as long as I'm not able to face it properly.
Once again, I cannot properly organize my thoughts in words now and though I feel I have such a great deal to say, I still do not know how. And so many times we have eyes to see the answers. Although there lies a great risk that one may be wrong and that's how relations are strained and misunderstandings occurs but I'm not gonna tax my mind on this anymore. No more benefit of doubts. I already convinced myself that the time has gone for me to seek answers. Now is the time for me to accept these answers gracefully. And let me assume that, you have yet to find a problem, or perhaps the question, now. Haha. But you may already have started to touch on the edges of it but still, I know I'm letting my hopes rise and that's really detrimental. And perhaps, I am heading the way of a closure. For I cannot take all these anymore. I cannot look at your name and fail to see what upsets me terrible and as a woman, I'm jealous. as a girl, I'm heartbroken. as a poet, I'm forlorn. Haha, am I even a poet? But as a rational person, I know I have to be able to resolve it properly. And all these, the thoughts, are tearing me apart. I'm so tired T_T And why, why, have I fallen for you? And, doh~, this is not a question. This is a statement. Which means, it should be taken note of but shouldnt be commented on. Iron hand. /slap It's hard, for me, and perhaps for you too. (Unless I think too highly of myself, haha) I believe I can safely say that we both treausre the friendship but well, the present situation is inevitable and you may already have predicted it and let me allow myself 2 seconds of irresponsibility, to blame you for not ending things before it is too late. And, do you already know that I'll take it badly? hahaha. T_T I'm complicating matters. But I do want to get out if this mess quickly. And I really do not know what the result would be like T_T And maybe, at the end of it, I have gained a friend, or lost one. Due to my own stubbornness anyway.
1 month. 7 months. 1 year? T_T How long do I need to take things in my stride and look as you once again, as a friend, as a good friend, who is able to chat with me for hours and hours while we forget all about other things in the world? And now, when I'm being cold to you, to things, I'm trying to cold my heart, for I cant allow myself or my feelings to get heated up again. It's pulling me apart. I cant bear this pain. I must reach a conclusion quick. =( But, I want no conclusions at all. But what am I talking about? I'm confused. T_T /shoo T_T Everytime I look at your name, and all other loud proclaims of your love, I'm heartbroken again, I can't keep up a jovial self anymore. Let me get out of this. =( So that I can still maintain a good memory of old times. I~ Haiz... If there indeed is a question to which I havent found an answer, that would be how to make myself feel better again. I really do not know how T_T At times I thought I found it, found the way, and indeed I already felt better, but well, you see, I'm posting something like this again.
And now, once again, I must get back to work and after I close this window, I aint gonna think of these anymore. I have thrown them all out and wont let them creep back into me. And please dont think of it, after you close this window too.
There is so much more to say but I do not know how. I'm keeping myself busy, very busy, to keep my mind off things. But when things quiet down and I have time to think about things, of course, when one part of me tries to forget and the other part of me tries to make myself face it, when these two contradictions appear simultaneously, the result is, I spend hours and hours feeling blank and typing stuff which doesnt make sense to others.
For me, the time to seek for an answer had already passed. I remember some weeks ago, in my distress, I asked someone for an answer. He paused for a while and replied me with," Say wad? You have your own eyes to see." It took 5 minutes for me to digest that statement. Meanwhile in this 5 minutes, I could feel it inside me, that a lot of changes were taking place, but it was all so hazy and I couldnt quite know what the result was, since I'm still feeling lost and abit hazy now. And some weeks following this, I was in despair again and I asked another person a question. And she replied me like this, "you cannot make the decisions for him. You have in mind the possibility of a happy ending, so to speak, with him. You already know that you are just pushing the reality." I was taken confused but in a split second later I thought I did understand, in fact, I understand that I already understood it long ago. But with someone saying it out, it took me still as hard. I was upset and silent for a rather long while and I seem to have reached another conclusion and spoke to her again. Her reply was, "talking this out with him may lead to some form of closure, but you also have to be careful." And now that is why I have so much to say but do not know how. Eventually, I took the most immature route, by avoiding. Avoiding to look, avoiding to talk about it and sometimes it works sometimes it doesnt. And now I feel, that all these, inevitably, may lead to some form of closure in the end, T_T, for as long as I'm not able to face it properly.
Once again, I cannot properly organize my thoughts in words now and though I feel I have such a great deal to say, I still do not know how. And so many times we have eyes to see the answers. Although there lies a great risk that one may be wrong and that's how relations are strained and misunderstandings occurs but I'm not gonna tax my mind on this anymore. No more benefit of doubts. I already convinced myself that the time has gone for me to seek answers. Now is the time for me to accept these answers gracefully. And let me assume that, you have yet to find a problem, or perhaps the question, now. Haha. But you may already have started to touch on the edges of it but still, I know I'm letting my hopes rise and that's really detrimental. And perhaps, I am heading the way of a closure. For I cannot take all these anymore. I cannot look at your name and fail to see what upsets me terrible and as a woman, I'm jealous. as a girl, I'm heartbroken. as a poet, I'm forlorn. Haha, am I even a poet? But as a rational person, I know I have to be able to resolve it properly. And all these, the thoughts, are tearing me apart. I'm so tired T_T And why, why, have I fallen for you? And, doh~, this is not a question. This is a statement. Which means, it should be taken note of but shouldnt be commented on. Iron hand. /slap It's hard, for me, and perhaps for you too. (Unless I think too highly of myself, haha) I believe I can safely say that we both treausre the friendship but well, the present situation is inevitable and you may already have predicted it and let me allow myself 2 seconds of irresponsibility, to blame you for not ending things before it is too late. And, do you already know that I'll take it badly? hahaha. T_T I'm complicating matters. But I do want to get out if this mess quickly. And I really do not know what the result would be like T_T And maybe, at the end of it, I have gained a friend, or lost one. Due to my own stubbornness anyway.
1 month. 7 months. 1 year? T_T How long do I need to take things in my stride and look as you once again, as a friend, as a good friend, who is able to chat with me for hours and hours while we forget all about other things in the world? And now, when I'm being cold to you, to things, I'm trying to cold my heart, for I cant allow myself or my feelings to get heated up again. It's pulling me apart. I cant bear this pain. I must reach a conclusion quick. =( But, I want no conclusions at all. But what am I talking about? I'm confused. T_T /shoo T_T Everytime I look at your name, and all other loud proclaims of your love, I'm heartbroken again, I can't keep up a jovial self anymore. Let me get out of this. =( So that I can still maintain a good memory of old times. I~ Haiz... If there indeed is a question to which I havent found an answer, that would be how to make myself feel better again. I really do not know how T_T At times I thought I found it, found the way, and indeed I already felt better, but well, you see, I'm posting something like this again.
And now, once again, I must get back to work and after I close this window, I aint gonna think of these anymore. I have thrown them all out and wont let them creep back into me. And please dont think of it, after you close this window too.
Saturday, August 13, 2005
13 Aug 05, 7.15pm, just returned from orchard
I like this pic, taken with two of my bestest squadmates today. Was sab's bdae ytd but due to certain reasons we celebrated it today. I believe we can be friends forever ^^ Even though we meet less than once per month and do nothing more but to take neoprints and chat and eat and shop whenever we meet, well, the bond is as strong as ever, though darned ni-jie is still as erm... straight as ever and still do things like joining liveguarding lessons just to look at the water-polo guys. Dats ID personality for you, haha. Sab is a pure C while I'm a CD...hmm well me and stupid ni-jie's relationship used to be really really bad, due to the fact that she was leader and I'm 2nd leader in the team and we have very very different views and I really dont like her attitude =x And since our personalities consist of D component, we arent gonna give in to eah other! =x But now, hey, we are going abroad together next year. haha. After 1 big round of searching and everything, well, it's still these 2 girls whom I can call best buddies, along side with xl(my co-writter who is uninterested in my works), xiaoming(anther of my co-writers and hey xiaoming, we havent editted the play after 1yr T_T), linda(ok, *point at her and laugh*) and bel (no comments. *whack*). Hey, how come I only have girl--------------friends?!
Friday, August 12, 2005
Drone
A post written and re-written and written and re-written again, yet has not a single word of content, but contains so much so that it's over-bearing. Silence. Such loudness. Hmm, but there's never be silence at all.
Thursday, August 11, 2005
A day's thoughts
As someone who likes writing, I'm used to keeping a small notepad in my bagg and jot down whatever that comes to my mind. I had a huge chunk(really huge) that I meant to use to update my blog, but well, I'm now lazy to type it here. So, whats the point of this post anyway? Haha, to type and clear my head before I go to sleep.
But I cant lie down properly, er, I mean, adjust my leg comfortably T_T right thigh muscle aching like really painfully now, think I didnt stretch enough before the 3hrs consecutive PT =.=, I swear I'm gonna call in sick if there's another collision between the afternoon run and the tennis session. =x But my poor muscles T_T Btw, i just realised that I have a whole variety of juices in my fridge, e.g. kiwi juice, cranberry juice, grape juice, aloe vera juice, all those er...exotic juices which my mum loves, but I only like carrot juice. And there's none in the fridge. There's only this can of nescafe which looks tempting but I'm going to bed, I'm not drinking it! And tomrrow's a friend's birthday, we're going out to celebrate... when her school and my school ends, which is around 4pm~ shhoooo late and I'm yearning for a good weekend sleep... and... who cares about muscle cramps now? Not if they dont turn into muscle tears (I'll really start tearing if the muscle starts tearing) =x okies, this is abit lame.
DUH~ who asked me to sprint 400m when I can be crawling peacefully, since no1 is there to time. hahaha.
But I cant lie down properly, er, I mean, adjust my leg comfortably T_T right thigh muscle aching like really painfully now, think I didnt stretch enough before the 3hrs consecutive PT =.=, I swear I'm gonna call in sick if there's another collision between the afternoon run and the tennis session. =x But my poor muscles T_T Btw, i just realised that I have a whole variety of juices in my fridge, e.g. kiwi juice, cranberry juice, grape juice, aloe vera juice, all those er...exotic juices which my mum loves, but I only like carrot juice. And there's none in the fridge. There's only this can of nescafe which looks tempting but I'm going to bed, I'm not drinking it! And tomrrow's a friend's birthday, we're going out to celebrate... when her school and my school ends, which is around 4pm~ shhoooo late and I'm yearning for a good weekend sleep... and... who cares about muscle cramps now? Not if they dont turn into muscle tears (I'll really start tearing if the muscle starts tearing) =x okies, this is abit lame.
DUH~ who asked me to sprint 400m when I can be crawling peacefully, since no1 is there to time. hahaha.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Cant think of a title.
Give me a dose of amnesia. AlllaaaaazzaaaammmmmbashioywdbmncbSBSGSGBN,MNSAEQ GO TO SLEEP!
Okies, that's all for today. Thank you for tuning in.
This is what you get when you meet an over-stressed person with a blog, with no sense of time, a little bit of lameness, trying to find some peace with her heart again. Ever seen someone going cold turkey? Duh, it's so painful~ so painful I would cry.....and type? T_T But after this, I'll have to pick myself up and continue to walk. T_T So hard. And painful T_T I think I'm already feeling abit better. I already forgot the aim of this post. Yay. Back to work.
Hmm, I just thought of this. I really hate being angry. I would choose to be sarcastic. Okies, tho Do-mon thinks that my sarcasm is still C-grade. But grrrrrr, dont force me. =.= Lest I become spiteful. Worst come to worst! i'll brandish my finger nails okies! Gawp, what am I talking about. boohoo, I'm going nuts T_T but I enjoy sprouting rubbish, and I really enjoy Food Chemisty. (bcos I havent studied it. /mock) AND, I'm getting back to work, for real! BOOHOO. I wanna have some time to complete my novel. 3 years and I havent finished it T_T And I found this sketch when I was looking for my notes the other day, I almost forgot I have a sketchbook. See how busy I am?! I'm so busy I lost all my interests and hobbies! Okies, this saturday I swear I'm going to starbucks and sit there the whole afternoon to do something I like. Lucky I have some starbucks voucher, won bcos I stayed up to prepare my slide show! Okies, at least, in a way, my efforts are appreciated. Back to my sketch. Yuqing's gonna scold me again. Cos, also after 3 yrs, I havent completed it! and I havent even add in the head LOR!~ Eh, I'm a sinGApolean. duh. I only do mathSSS and copy colections.
haha. =x I have to suppress a laugh. Hahaha, gosh, is every singaporean student like what I made out to be? =x hahahaha. Okies, at least I know I'm not really like that. (I talk as if I'm not a Singaporean student, okies, fellow classmates, give me a punch for this annoying air of 'attitude' dats what u would call, the singaporean way. More air of superiority and arrogance!! YAY! lolz. hehe. Alrite, slap me, I admit I'm suaning you all. =x Muahaha.) I would like to believe in myself abit more. =x But my results ended up alot poorer. =x opps.
Okies, I'm floating back to work~
Okies, that's all for today. Thank you for tuning in.
This is what you get when you meet an over-stressed person with a blog, with no sense of time, a little bit of lameness, trying to find some peace with her heart again. Ever seen someone going cold turkey? Duh, it's so painful~ so painful I would cry.....and type? T_T But after this, I'll have to pick myself up and continue to walk. T_T So hard. And painful T_T I think I'm already feeling abit better. I already forgot the aim of this post. Yay. Back to work.
Hmm, I just thought of this. I really hate being angry. I would choose to be sarcastic. Okies, tho Do-mon thinks that my sarcasm is still C-grade. But grrrrrr, dont force me. =.= Lest I become spiteful. Worst come to worst! i'll brandish my finger nails okies! Gawp, what am I talking about. boohoo, I'm going nuts T_T but I enjoy sprouting rubbish, and I really enjoy Food Chemisty. (bcos I havent studied it. /mock) AND, I'm getting back to work, for real! BOOHOO. I wanna have some time to complete my novel. 3 years and I havent finished it T_T And I found this sketch when I was looking for my notes the other day, I almost forgot I have a sketchbook. See how busy I am?! I'm so busy I lost all my interests and hobbies! Okies, this saturday I swear I'm going to starbucks and sit there the whole afternoon to do something I like. Lucky I have some starbucks voucher, won bcos I stayed up to prepare my slide show! Okies, at least, in a way, my efforts are appreciated. Back to my sketch. Yuqing's gonna scold me again. Cos, also after 3 yrs, I havent completed it! and I havent even add in the head LOR!~ Eh, I'm a sinGApolean. duh. I only do mathSSS and copy colections.
haha. =x I have to suppress a laugh. Hahaha, gosh, is every singaporean student like what I made out to be? =x hahahaha. Okies, at least I know I'm not really like that. (I talk as if I'm not a Singaporean student, okies, fellow classmates, give me a punch for this annoying air of 'attitude' dats what u would call, the singaporean way. More air of superiority and arrogance!! YAY! lolz. hehe. Alrite, slap me, I admit I'm suaning you all. =x Muahaha.) I would like to believe in myself abit more. =x But my results ended up alot poorer. =x opps.
Okies, I'm floating back to work~
Monday, August 08, 2005
Almost
I'm really almost awake. Now tears are not from depression or wad, but rather from a feeling of awakening and at the same time, feeling lost and without a definite direction. Still deeply attracted to the past but I must move on and I'm determined to move on. Had spoken to the only other person who can give me the answer which I need, I was suddenly shown the light. Still upset, but her words were true and comforting in the painful way. Though not what I would like to hear, T_T, but, but, but T_T I must stop my foolish pursuit and prevent myself from delving into a prolonged period of silent tortue.
But certain situations and recent changes still exist and certain of these things I cant take it gracefully T_T. I need to take some time off, to allow the feelings to die off and to preserve the moment of peace that my heart felt when I saw the light. Tho very reluctantly, I feel a distance shld be maintained, lest I cant control myself, T_T. Otherwise, she would have wasted her efforts in explaining the things to me.
Haiz, =(
Wasted days and wasted nights,
I have left for you behind,
for you dont belong to me,
your heart belongs to someone else.
Why should I keep loving you,
when I know that you're not true.
And why should I call your name,
when you're to blame,
for making me blue.
Dont you remember the day,
that you went away and left me?
I was so lonely,
prayed for you only,
my love.
Heard this song from the video in school today, and I could almost feel it, deeply. Phew~ It was so nice, although it was sung on the video by an uncle street basker whom I suspect hav a sorethroat, haha. But still, I like that uncle's version rather than the original version. hehe. The hoarse tone made it sound so much more sentimental ^.^. I wonder if I can get a copy of the video from the school. (This reminds me of a conversation we had, when I left half of my notes in school. I suddenly recall the whole conversation we had that night, haha. It didnt seem very much at that time, but coming to think of it, it was very sweet ^^ Maybe I was wrong, not to say, silly, to delve so blindly and deeply into the emotions. When we 1st met, without any complications of any type, we cld chat for hrs and hrs, haha. But now, with all the upsetness and such, I cant even see ur name without feeling empty. Boo~ =( In addition, after things were explained to me, I cld sort of see things from ur side, and it made me even more embarrassed, or even ashamed to face u. )Maybe it was the sound of the guitar, which was the only accompanying instrument, I do love the music from guitars, ^^. So soothing. But perhaps not those from rockers =x, haha.
Hearing this song again, I suddenly feel relieved. It was as though my love ended when the song ended and all my troubles too, ended. Haiz, I hope this is to last. =( On the other hand, I hope our friendship will go on and on and on and you will never be sick of my senseless comments, haha. Or, am I getting too optimistic? =(
Time, more time I will need, to get over it. ~
But certain situations and recent changes still exist and certain of these things I cant take it gracefully T_T. I need to take some time off, to allow the feelings to die off and to preserve the moment of peace that my heart felt when I saw the light. Tho very reluctantly, I feel a distance shld be maintained, lest I cant control myself, T_T. Otherwise, she would have wasted her efforts in explaining the things to me.
Haiz, =(
Wasted days and wasted nights,
I have left for you behind,
for you dont belong to me,
your heart belongs to someone else.
Why should I keep loving you,
when I know that you're not true.
And why should I call your name,
when you're to blame,
for making me blue.
Dont you remember the day,
that you went away and left me?
I was so lonely,
prayed for you only,
my love.
Heard this song from the video in school today, and I could almost feel it, deeply. Phew~ It was so nice, although it was sung on the video by an uncle street basker whom I suspect hav a sorethroat, haha. But still, I like that uncle's version rather than the original version. hehe. The hoarse tone made it sound so much more sentimental ^.^. I wonder if I can get a copy of the video from the school. (This reminds me of a conversation we had, when I left half of my notes in school. I suddenly recall the whole conversation we had that night, haha. It didnt seem very much at that time, but coming to think of it, it was very sweet ^^ Maybe I was wrong, not to say, silly, to delve so blindly and deeply into the emotions. When we 1st met, without any complications of any type, we cld chat for hrs and hrs, haha. But now, with all the upsetness and such, I cant even see ur name without feeling empty. Boo~ =( In addition, after things were explained to me, I cld sort of see things from ur side, and it made me even more embarrassed, or even ashamed to face u. )Maybe it was the sound of the guitar, which was the only accompanying instrument, I do love the music from guitars, ^^. So soothing. But perhaps not those from rockers =x, haha.
Hearing this song again, I suddenly feel relieved. It was as though my love ended when the song ended and all my troubles too, ended. Haiz, I hope this is to last. =( On the other hand, I hope our friendship will go on and on and on and you will never be sick of my senseless comments, haha. Or, am I getting too optimistic? =(
Time, more time I will need, to get over it. ~
Sunday, August 07, 2005
Pick up broken pieces of me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating.
I'm suffering from a common heart condition.
Though I don't need Prozac,
My head is swimming and
My thoughts seem to lead back to you.
There ain't a cure.
Sure,
Time does take away some of the pain.
But still...
There aint tears, my heart yearns not to beat again.
I want no memories, all to be blocked out by me.
I'm striving to forget,
dying for amnesia,
My head is swimming,
all my thoughts lead back to you.
There is not a cure.
I'm dying to run away from you. Dying to live without you.
I'm taking it badly, in fact I cant take it at all. I cant take it at all. I have seen it coming, now this grief is overflowing. I’m trying to get away from you, to run away from my heartache. 1 month, 7 months, 12 months. For as long as I’m not here, you know I’m trying to nurse a heartache.
Pick up broken pieces of me.
Friday, August 05, 2005
A thousand problems, boo them all, T_T
Not for the 1st time, I sign in to my blog and find nothing to say. haha. (this is a way to have something to say actually =x u start by saying u have nth to say =x)
Had a nice lengthy chat with deejay and do-monster on msn, tho do-monster was making stupid comments like 'u all crazy la', 'LOL', 'WAH LAO', but still, it has been a long time since I had such a hearty chat with pple le. haha. And I sprouted lots of nonsense, hahaha. It perks pple up considerably, suddenly getting questioned by pple abt my attitude (rather hurtful, but well, literary pple are always misunderstood =x). Geez...I'm trying to cheer myself up T_T
Recently I'm getting less tolerent and more irritable and fall out with pple easily. Oh gosh, this isnt the way to behave, guess the stress is making me abnormal, my tolerance is abt as big as a teacup now. And pple thinks I hav an attitude prob. haha. psst, I despise pple talking behind my back. Just tell me straight in my face gallantly. But honestly, if 20 comes and tell me this, well, I just hav to say that it is because pple dont understand me. In any case, I'm just gonna laugh it off. Haiz... cry it off probably, BUT no way I'm gonna show my weak side to pple who have a colored perception of me =x There are always sucky pple ard =x
But....but =x, I really see a difference speaking with 'grown-ups' and 'immature pple'. When I see pple 耍孩子气, acting like 'bitches', I'm so sorry I have to use this word, but I simply cant find a better way to put that, I feel well, a little disgusted. And the recent forums, I see pple totally disgracing themselves, and hmmm, the worst thing is, these pple sit around me. o_O
I recently see an old friend of 10yrs, whom I have fell out with some months ago, and, all the feelings came back, I feel abit upset, but I just darent go up and say 'how r u doing?'. But that aside, I'm haiz..... back to being feeling lazy again. Lazy to think, lazy to feel upset, lazy to quarrel with pple, lazy to get angry, lazy to be competitive (/flex =x), and.... on top of all these, I'm feeling rather cheery. Just some things which I need to let go, but cant bear to. Silly.
I'm getting rather misunderstood by pple ard me. And I dont think I wanan go and convince them otherwise =x But not putting feelings on my face doesnt mean I dont get upset or angry. And I miss my old school mates T_T, and my squad mates, somehow, they dont say things like "you are diferent from US de laa". I'm rather taken aback, I'm as old as u r, take the same subjects as you, live in the same country as u, eat the same food from the same canteen, and exactly how different I am from u pple? Isnt that too prejudiced against me? I'm alienated. Boo. Different interests then. If u think I'm different then I'm different. Anyway, how many pple think they are similar to Einstein or Shakespeare? =x Ok, I'm over-rating myself, haha.
Anyway, like domon pointed out, I may be thinking too much, and er, maybe it's just the occassional and inevitable unhappiness between pple. hoho. On the other hand, a misunderstood poet actually sounds sentimental =x haha. And all these are actually only 1 fraction of what I;m thinking and feeling now. If only I have time, and find the right person with the right patience =x I cld nag on and on for hours =x hahaha. I'm not aiming to be different. I'm just who I am. =p
It's impossible to be accepted by everyone. Altho Disney says it's rather fun to do the impossible =p, hehe. But I shant put my hopes on that =x. The old title of my blog is Lead a comfortable life, so I shld just try to make myself comfortable, haha.
And, last of all, luckily not alot of pple read my blog.
Had a nice lengthy chat with deejay and do-monster on msn, tho do-monster was making stupid comments like 'u all crazy la', 'LOL', 'WAH LAO', but still, it has been a long time since I had such a hearty chat with pple le. haha. And I sprouted lots of nonsense, hahaha. It perks pple up considerably, suddenly getting questioned by pple abt my attitude (rather hurtful, but well, literary pple are always misunderstood =x). Geez...I'm trying to cheer myself up T_T
Recently I'm getting less tolerent and more irritable and fall out with pple easily. Oh gosh, this isnt the way to behave, guess the stress is making me abnormal, my tolerance is abt as big as a teacup now. And pple thinks I hav an attitude prob. haha. psst, I despise pple talking behind my back. Just tell me straight in my face gallantly. But honestly, if 20 comes and tell me this, well, I just hav to say that it is because pple dont understand me. In any case, I'm just gonna laugh it off. Haiz... cry it off probably, BUT no way I'm gonna show my weak side to pple who have a colored perception of me =x There are always sucky pple ard =x
But....but =x, I really see a difference speaking with 'grown-ups' and 'immature pple'. When I see pple 耍孩子气, acting like 'bitches', I'm so sorry I have to use this word, but I simply cant find a better way to put that, I feel well, a little disgusted. And the recent forums, I see pple totally disgracing themselves, and hmmm, the worst thing is, these pple sit around me. o_O
I recently see an old friend of 10yrs, whom I have fell out with some months ago, and, all the feelings came back, I feel abit upset, but I just darent go up and say 'how r u doing?'. But that aside, I'm haiz..... back to being feeling lazy again. Lazy to think, lazy to feel upset, lazy to quarrel with pple, lazy to get angry, lazy to be competitive (/flex =x), and.... on top of all these, I'm feeling rather cheery. Just some things which I need to let go, but cant bear to. Silly.
I'm getting rather misunderstood by pple ard me. And I dont think I wanan go and convince them otherwise =x But not putting feelings on my face doesnt mean I dont get upset or angry. And I miss my old school mates T_T, and my squad mates, somehow, they dont say things like "you are diferent from US de laa". I'm rather taken aback, I'm as old as u r, take the same subjects as you, live in the same country as u, eat the same food from the same canteen, and exactly how different I am from u pple? Isnt that too prejudiced against me? I'm alienated. Boo. Different interests then. If u think I'm different then I'm different. Anyway, how many pple think they are similar to Einstein or Shakespeare? =x Ok, I'm over-rating myself, haha.
Anyway, like domon pointed out, I may be thinking too much, and er, maybe it's just the occassional and inevitable unhappiness between pple. hoho. On the other hand, a misunderstood poet actually sounds sentimental =x haha. And all these are actually only 1 fraction of what I;m thinking and feeling now. If only I have time, and find the right person with the right patience =x I cld nag on and on for hours =x hahaha. I'm not aiming to be different. I'm just who I am. =p
It's impossible to be accepted by everyone. Altho Disney says it's rather fun to do the impossible =p, hehe. But I shant put my hopes on that =x. The old title of my blog is Lead a comfortable life, so I shld just try to make myself comfortable, haha.
And, last of all, luckily not alot of pple read my blog.
Thursday, August 04, 2005
In school
www.makepovertyhistory.org
Watch the videos. I only watched Nelson Mendela's video and he said "The world is hungry for actions, not words."
To find something more meaningful in life than superfluous poems and tutorials. And btw, I'm in school right now! And I'm lazy to type out the analysis of my poems below. I doubt I will have time tonight to do so, since I get home everyday at 8pm. and yesterday's tennis session made my legs feel as though they are not mine. Anyway, selina reckons I'm chatting with Blair right now, lol. So I shall better get some serious work done. =x
Watch the videos. I only watched Nelson Mendela's video and he said "The world is hungry for actions, not words."
To find something more meaningful in life than superfluous poems and tutorials. And btw, I'm in school right now! And I'm lazy to type out the analysis of my poems below. I doubt I will have time tonight to do so, since I get home everyday at 8pm. and yesterday's tennis session made my legs feel as though they are not mine. Anyway, selina reckons I'm chatting with Blair right now, lol. So I shall better get some serious work done. =x
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
A tribute to someone who shares the same b'day as me
拒之一门外
独战风雪寒
心惦柴屋适
何时容得己
为有己不是
岂能怆涕下
By grace~
Translation:
Rejected, outside a door. Battling alone with the cold of the snowstorm. Thinking about the warmth in the wooden house. When can I be accepted (in the house)? It is only my fault. How can I can cry over it?
A few days ago, I chanced upon this poem written by grace which was her msn nick. I feel we share a special bond, cos we share the same b'day. She used to sit beside me in class, though I didnt have much of a choice initially (thr's a long tale behind this :p), but we have since parted ways after the 'O's. She did remarkably well, though I must remind everyone that I have distinctions (which means A1 :x) for all the 3 language papers. :P
Grace has a pure 'D' personality. We can see 'D' as for dominent, dictatorial. Just imagine the list that goes on. So, to see her write such a well, 'sentimental' poem (it may not seem sentimental to u, but to me, a silent and sentimental poet :x, grace's poem IS touching :x), I am rather awed, or should I say, taken aback? I read her blog abit and sort of understood her sentiments behind her poem. I told her straight that I'm in love with her poem and I made a request to 'have' her poem, of course, she owns the copyrights, all due credit will be given to her :p. But that's not the point I'm trying to make, lolz. The point is, to see such a hard, braced, strong person, write such a poem, it simply made me, alittle crushed, haha. Of course, it may simply means I have not faced challenges which she had faced and her worries do indeed differ from mine. About how different, I'll try to include when I add in the analysis of both poems ltr =x Anyway, she reckons that it has been such a long time since she, or her work and effort (she's a brilliant science student, unlike me :p). So, grace, if u do happen to read this, let me tell u, I love your poem =p wholeheartedly, sincerely, passionately, intensely and so grudgingly =p
独处一门外
心寒胜风雪
心念柴屋适
何时容得己
唯独情不是
岂能怆涕下
By me~
Translation:
Standing alone outside a door. My heart is colder than the snowstorm. Pining for the warmth in the wooden house. When can I be accepted (in the house)? It is all the fault of love. How can I cry over it?
Grace's poem awoke some sentiments in me and I was prompted to write a similar poem- exactly same style, same format, similar sentiments and 2 identical lines, haha. All due credits to the original piece.
Analysis of both poems:
I'm so sleepy, lemme slp. (yanws) I swore ytd to slp at 9pm :x, though it's 9.10pm now. (sleepy half-closed eyes) I'm tired of slping only 5hrs per day, hahahaha. ~ (3/4 closed eyes, mouth almost pouting already... :x) Moi shall continue tomorrow.
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