Someone complained that my blog is too cheerless, messy, braincell-killing, confusing, head-spinning and heavy to read.
Muahaha.
I have more than 1 blog.
Just that... I only update this blog, since June.
And... someday there would be nicer posts to read.
And... someday I'll change my blogskin.
This blogskin is very boring. Stupid XL hadnt designed one for me yet. But she's too busy ushering government officials during special events. (That's her payless job.)
And... there's nothing exciting at the moment to blog about.
And... you forgot the url of my blog is shakeyourbumbum.blogspot.com
You are supposed to shake your bum bum. Not me.
Plus, I dont wanna have a blog which opens and read.."Today there was this bitch I met on the bus! ZZZ...duno whats wrong with her lor.. she was etc etc etc."
But, I'm having a blog which reads.."I dunno whats so wrong with my world now. I feel like I'm shut in a box. There. We see the end of the world. There is only complete darkness... etc etc"
Which, I duno if I like it ornot.
/yawn.
Lastly, I dont always carry an attitude everywhere I go. I just happen to dump all my problems and attitude here... and you happen to read it from time to time. But.. it's just a fraction of me. Haiz... lets just listen to some boring songs (which I like and Domon candidly tells me that all the songs I listen to make people sleep.) and dance the time away. If you could hear the song I'm listening to now... and feel like I'm feeling now... you would close your eyes and dance too.
Suppose I say "close your eyes and dance" which I really did say... I bet every different person who reads my blog would each have a different visualisation of it. And... I mentioned a song right? Haha... you'll never get to hear my song. Just sing a different one in your mind which you think best fits what I say lor.
/snap
[mood] Smoothened a ripple. Back to calm waters.
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
10.32p.m.
[mood] Remotely here.
My eyes are bad. =_=
I'm working on my EoM.
Organic Chemistry is becoming rather boring.
McDonalds is not the perfect place to study, but it's better than the food court.
I havent worked as hard as yesterday.
I'm tired and maybe I should sleep.
Music is a language.
After next week, I'll dedicate my time to writing and swimming.
One month after the last time I visited Xl's blog, she has 4 new inspiring entries for me to read. =)
Up till now... [mood] Relaxed.
The song I'm listening to is nice. I mean the tune is. Since I dont even know if it's sung in English, Mandarin, French, Japanese or Korean.
Which means I shouldnt be able to sleep tomorrow.
Finally..
[mood] Remotely connected.
My eyes are bad. =_=
I'm working on my EoM.
Organic Chemistry is becoming rather boring.
McDonalds is not the perfect place to study, but it's better than the food court.
I havent worked as hard as yesterday.
I'm tired and maybe I should sleep.
Music is a language.
After next week, I'll dedicate my time to writing and swimming.
One month after the last time I visited Xl's blog, she has 4 new inspiring entries for me to read. =)
Up till now... [mood] Relaxed.
The song I'm listening to is nice. I mean the tune is. Since I dont even know if it's sung in English, Mandarin, French, Japanese or Korean.
Which means I shouldnt be able to sleep tomorrow.
Finally..
[mood] Remotely connected.
12.20a.m.
[music] So Happy Together
[mood] Nothing.
Everyday is a day of new discovery. I'm finding more and more each day. Sometimes the findings are ill-boding. Sometimes they are spiritually rewarding. But there seem not much surprises left. The revelations were gloomy. Eventually, I'll reach the end of the treasure trove and find that there had been no treasure trove at all.
There's a biological clock in me which tells me to sleep at either 6am or 9pm. I passed both sleeping time. I'll have to read a book and forget about my headache. I think I will. =)
[mood] Nothing.
Everyday is a day of new discovery. I'm finding more and more each day. Sometimes the findings are ill-boding. Sometimes they are spiritually rewarding. But there seem not much surprises left. The revelations were gloomy. Eventually, I'll reach the end of the treasure trove and find that there had been no treasure trove at all.
There's a biological clock in me which tells me to sleep at either 6am or 9pm. I passed both sleeping time. I'll have to read a book and forget about my headache. I think I will. =)
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
1.02am
The EoM demands serious attention from me. And I gave it 2 hours. Anyway, I seem to understand something... just... there's this problem of retaining what I understood. Headache. I threw away my medicine and although I kept staring at my literbin, I couldnt bring myself to try to dig out the medicine. So... I gotta turn in now and try to get myself well again by the morning. But... drats, I'm feel hot and cold at the same time and I seem to be able to warm whatever I'm sitting on or lying against very quickly and efficiently. zzzz... I have got only 1 week and I'm gonna be sick? =_= On top of that, my table is in a hige mess. I thought I lost my some of my notes and spent half an hr looking for it. 2hrs later I found them filed up nicely under my bed. Then I cant find my thumbdrive =.= and there's no ink in the printer....erghhhh I wanna sleep =.= Give me a nice smooth day again?! Relax, dude. Yes, sir. I overstuffed myself at Suki Sushi this afternoon. Now I must really write it down somewhere else: Never go for any sushi buffet unless I starved myself for 1 week. At the possibility is really zero unless I decide that the next camping spot I'll pick is at Pulau Tekong. EEks, I'm scared of that place. T_T and it's alos a training place for the NSmen. Now I'm scared for my bro, although everytime I hint about it, he gives me the really 'whats wrong with you' look. Darn. I'll have to ask domon to sing Unintended for me tomorrow again, although he thinks it's a disgusting song and made more disgusting when I sing it. But sebastian got a nice version for So Happy Together that really made me laugh this afternoon. I'm beginning to like AJ. HA. =_= But... I'm gonna swim everyday after next week. At least I can worry solely about drowning instead of any other thing else.
Monday, September 26, 2005
11.50pm
I havent gone beyond G field. I shouldnt have on my com. I should have thrown away my network key. =s Drats T_T Allow me to hate in peace.
10.15p.m.
Too much ramblings..making my mind feel as though they wont on a roller coaster ride. I have either too much of them in my head, or too much of them on my blog. And my bro really hates me for using his com bcos I wouldnt open mine.
I have decided not to sleep tonight (excluding the occassional procrastinating and dozing off in between), not that I want to, but because I spent too much time and energy yesterday doing something irrational and unsensible, or is it insensible, see... my English is failing me... I have to cover G field, Ideal gases, Work, Energy, Power, Forces, etc etc, which should normally take me 10hrs but I only have 7hrs till I have to prepare to go school. Drats. At least G field seems fun. =_= But after feeling very hot and flustered for the whole day and after taking my 3rd bath of the day, my nose feels like a water hose. Dammit. And there's this Engineer Week which no one in the right mind would go. I would have signed up (I'm not in the right mind and desperately looking for things to do besides revision), but I'm really too lousy in Physics that I'm afraid the lecturer wont give me the form (I'm joking). So I better sit around in the lab tomorrow and pretend that I'm fully prepared for the exams. Then I'm going to tell myself that I'll score at least C for the 6hr chinese paper after spending 2 days preparing for it. =) Gratz, krustora. It's high time to get busy in the meaningful way. =.=
I have decided not to sleep tonight (excluding the occassional procrastinating and dozing off in between), not that I want to, but because I spent too much time and energy yesterday doing something irrational and unsensible, or is it insensible, see... my English is failing me... I have to cover G field, Ideal gases, Work, Energy, Power, Forces, etc etc, which should normally take me 10hrs but I only have 7hrs till I have to prepare to go school. Drats. At least G field seems fun. =_= But after feeling very hot and flustered for the whole day and after taking my 3rd bath of the day, my nose feels like a water hose. Dammit. And there's this Engineer Week which no one in the right mind would go. I would have signed up (I'm not in the right mind and desperately looking for things to do besides revision), but I'm really too lousy in Physics that I'm afraid the lecturer wont give me the form (I'm joking). So I better sit around in the lab tomorrow and pretend that I'm fully prepared for the exams. Then I'm going to tell myself that I'll score at least C for the 6hr chinese paper after spending 2 days preparing for it. =) Gratz, krustora. It's high time to get busy in the meaningful way. =.=
9.23a.m.
I'm in school...so I can't type freely, drats =.= with so many pple walking behind and around me, but it's the only place I can access to computer at this time.
There have been loads on my mind when there shouldnt have been. I'm rather exhausted and lost focus for the whole of yesterday. Lost track of my agenda and forgot that things havent changed. So I wzsted yesterday doing what's not on my agenda. Drats. =.= I musnt forget that nothing had changed. There was a tiny ripple, but still, I forget my agenda. As long sa I'm able to bear in mind what I have on my agenda, I can pull through, obviously. What took me so long to realise?
Crying is a sign of weakness, so... one musnt cry, in fact I'm rather too exhausted to cry. Well, reading my blog must be quite an exhausting thing to do, there seem nothing cheerless to look upon. Maybe I should change my blog's skin, it's too bright to be gloomy.
I cannot lose my head again. If what I thought would come wouldnt come, it wont come. I cannot forget how I reached my conclusion and how I formulated my agenda. If I forget that process, I'm wasting my days again. It's rather hard to find my head again when I lose it. Now you see why I sleep so much. I'm tired. All these run through my mind daily. Whether for the whole day, or just a few minutes, inevitably they will ride on my mind. But I musnt forget I cant do this. It's not on my agenda.
Whatever the case, I must not lose my mind this week. I cannot flunk again, if I do, I'm a goner. But I'm so tired, that I feel rather sick. I'm writing in circles. And I'm waiting, waiting it out. Not sure what would come while I'm waiting. But I hope something would happen, it's better than nothing happening. I'm getting dizzy. And the place is getting too crowded for comfort. I'll hav to leave now. =_=
There have been loads on my mind when there shouldnt have been. I'm rather exhausted and lost focus for the whole of yesterday. Lost track of my agenda and forgot that things havent changed. So I wzsted yesterday doing what's not on my agenda. Drats. =.= I musnt forget that nothing had changed. There was a tiny ripple, but still, I forget my agenda. As long sa I'm able to bear in mind what I have on my agenda, I can pull through, obviously. What took me so long to realise?
Crying is a sign of weakness, so... one musnt cry, in fact I'm rather too exhausted to cry. Well, reading my blog must be quite an exhausting thing to do, there seem nothing cheerless to look upon. Maybe I should change my blog's skin, it's too bright to be gloomy.
I cannot lose my head again. If what I thought would come wouldnt come, it wont come. I cannot forget how I reached my conclusion and how I formulated my agenda. If I forget that process, I'm wasting my days again. It's rather hard to find my head again when I lose it. Now you see why I sleep so much. I'm tired. All these run through my mind daily. Whether for the whole day, or just a few minutes, inevitably they will ride on my mind. But I musnt forget I cant do this. It's not on my agenda.
Whatever the case, I must not lose my mind this week. I cannot flunk again, if I do, I'm a goner. But I'm so tired, that I feel rather sick. I'm writing in circles. And I'm waiting, waiting it out. Not sure what would come while I'm waiting. But I hope something would happen, it's better than nothing happening. I'm getting dizzy. And the place is getting too crowded for comfort. I'll hav to leave now. =_=
Sunday, September 25, 2005
The Turtles - So Happy Together
Imagine me and you, I do
I think about you day and night, it's only right
To think about the girl you love and hold her tight
So happy together
If I should call you up, invest a dime
And you say you belong to me and ease my mind
Imagine how the world could be, so very fine
So happy together
I can't see me lovin' nobody but you
For all my life
When you're with me, baby the skies'll be blue
For all my life
Me and you and you and me
No matter how they toss the dice, it has to be
The only one for me is you, and you for me
So happy together
I can't see me lovin' nobody but you
For all my life
When you're with me, baby the skies'll be blue
For all my life
Me and you and you and me
No matter how they toss the dice, it has to be
The only one for me is you, and you for me
So happy together
Ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba
Ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba
Me and you and you and me
No matter how they toss the dice, it has to be
The only one for me is you, and you for me
So happy together
So happy together
How is the weather
So happy together
We're happy together
So happy together
Happy together
So happy together
So happy together
I think about you day and night, it's only right
To think about the girl you love and hold her tight
So happy together
If I should call you up, invest a dime
And you say you belong to me and ease my mind
Imagine how the world could be, so very fine
So happy together
I can't see me lovin' nobody but you
For all my life
When you're with me, baby the skies'll be blue
For all my life
Me and you and you and me
No matter how they toss the dice, it has to be
The only one for me is you, and you for me
So happy together
I can't see me lovin' nobody but you
For all my life
When you're with me, baby the skies'll be blue
For all my life
Me and you and you and me
No matter how they toss the dice, it has to be
The only one for me is you, and you for me
So happy together
Ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba
Ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba
Me and you and you and me
No matter how they toss the dice, it has to be
The only one for me is you, and you for me
So happy together
So happy together
How is the weather
So happy together
We're happy together
So happy together
Happy together
So happy together
So happy together
25 Sep, 1.18p.m.
They say, the music that one listen to, is a reflection of one's mind. Need I say more?
[music] Unintended
You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended
You could be the one I'll always love
You could be the one who listens
to my deepest inquisitions
You could be the one I'll always love
I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before
First there was the one who challenged
All my dreams and all my balance
She could never be as good as you
You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended
You should be the one I'll always love
I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before
I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before
Before you
Besides music... images are also powerful tools for communication. So... next time I'll only write in lyrics and pictures? haha... a pity I can't add some background music to my blog... maybe I'll get a new blog that can play mp3 files in the background.
Robert (aka carrot aka Deejay) told me there's a new series of kindaichi on the net! yay! ^^ But he still havent sent me the url and I'm lazy to find it myself... since I'm using my bro's com. I... wont on my com for as long as I'm able to hold out. haha. It has already been 16 days. Hmm... rolling and counting.
[music] Unintended
You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended
You could be the one I'll always love
You could be the one who listens
to my deepest inquisitions
You could be the one I'll always love
I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before
First there was the one who challenged
All my dreams and all my balance
She could never be as good as you
You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended
You should be the one I'll always love
I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before
I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before
Before you
Besides music... images are also powerful tools for communication. So... next time I'll only write in lyrics and pictures? haha... a pity I can't add some background music to my blog... maybe I'll get a new blog that can play mp3 files in the background.
Robert (aka carrot aka Deejay) told me there's a new series of kindaichi on the net! yay! ^^ But he still havent sent me the url and I'm lazy to find it myself... since I'm using my bro's com. I... wont on my com for as long as I'm able to hold out. haha. It has already been 16 days. Hmm... rolling and counting.
Saturday, September 24, 2005
Revisited
I took a new interest in The Magnets recently. There's a song which I like, but I havent found out the title yet. They came to AJ on friday. It's really great. It has been long since something lifted my heart.
I heard a new song and that song nearly made me cry. It's not a sad song... just a little sentimental, rustic, slow, romantic, soft and simple. But, I'm made very tired by other things, so I have no energy to listen to that song and work up my emotions. Perhaps I'm not feeling enough to listen to a song and cry automatically. I have learnt not to let things touch me beyond a few seconds. Most of the time... I'll just stone and let my mind blank out. It has become a bit of a habit now. I have no wish to think too much.
I know time can cure a hell lot of things, that's why I look forward to every tomorrow. I just wish time could rocket. I wanna get out of the slump. So... I shouldnt look back...? Maybe there is nothing for me to look back upon also.
These days when I walk pass CD-Rama, there's always this advertisment on a game called A3. It looks cool and the characters look kinda nice. But I wont have time to play it.
I'm getting too naggy. I'm tired. And I love flowers. And paperback novels. And a cool weather. And a glass of cold water. And a rocking chair. I feel like a grandma. And I'm back to my stoning life and stay away from what upsets me lest my emotions get voilently shaken again. There is only about one reason to make me stone for one whole and that same reason doesnt seem to lift my spirits anymore.
I heard a new song and that song nearly made me cry. It's not a sad song... just a little sentimental, rustic, slow, romantic, soft and simple. But, I'm made very tired by other things, so I have no energy to listen to that song and work up my emotions. Perhaps I'm not feeling enough to listen to a song and cry automatically. I have learnt not to let things touch me beyond a few seconds. Most of the time... I'll just stone and let my mind blank out. It has become a bit of a habit now. I have no wish to think too much.
I know time can cure a hell lot of things, that's why I look forward to every tomorrow. I just wish time could rocket. I wanna get out of the slump. So... I shouldnt look back...? Maybe there is nothing for me to look back upon also.
These days when I walk pass CD-Rama, there's always this advertisment on a game called A3. It looks cool and the characters look kinda nice. But I wont have time to play it.
I'm getting too naggy. I'm tired. And I love flowers. And paperback novels. And a cool weather. And a glass of cold water. And a rocking chair. I feel like a grandma. And I'm back to my stoning life and stay away from what upsets me lest my emotions get voilently shaken again. There is only about one reason to make me stone for one whole and that same reason doesnt seem to lift my spirits anymore.
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Chemistry Chemistry
Chemistry...chemistry. There is no chemistry. Haiz...
I'm back in my normal mode again, which coincidentally means lazy and laid back for me. Not that I have been abnormal, but my mood had been on a bumpy ride for some time. I'm trying very very hard to refocus, often I tend to give in to my wants, but well, we must learn to be decisive. I mean, me.
Agitated people say things which can be completely unreal of them and an agitated conversation between me and my decade + old friend sent us into cold war for 6months. But like she said, our drift was quite natural and silent. We made up on my birthday by shaking hands and smirking at each other. Today we exchanged quite a lot of information and chatted as if the 6 months were non-existent. Friends. =) It's a very complex word, with more complex feelings attached. The drift had been natural. And the patch seemed much more natural. If you could get what I mean. She's really one of the most over bearing person I met and she got a really good mind for analysis and interpretion. I dont think I met another person with more flair for E-lit than her, both in analyzing and writing. Superb. For a paper which is 1h 30mins she could sleep 1hr, answer both the essay qns when only 1 is required and ace the level. Well, it's true. And she's in Alpha list, while I'm in APTS list. Haiz... what had I done all these days? =o
It's quite hard for me, or I think, anyone, to possess negative feelings for very long. For me, it lasts around 1 day. For that decade old friend of mine, she's quite the exception, her hatred can last for 6months. But I have more patience than her =p She had been angry for 6 months but I had been quite perfectly normal these 6 months.
Things had changed. I'm very saddened by the fickle nature of human and much more saddened by the fact that I have insignificant influence over them. I cannot hate a path of nature or defy it. If the drift is natural, the drift must happen. Or, if the drift happened, it must be natural. =) Although a bit of hatred still resides in me, they are overshadowed by disappointment. The expectation had been too high. Hence the greater disappointment. I have to be selfish and say that I had not changed. So, if things had changed, the other thing or person must have caused it. But if the drift had been indeed natural, then lets blame nature. haha. Although I certainly believe that we can change nature. Just... abit of a wishing thinking here, certainly I will not allow myself to bring it out with me in day to day life.
I have a new interest. A forced interest. An interest found in slumps. Chemistry. Now I'm talking about the science Chemistry. It's interesting although I can be interested in something else.
This decade old friend brought back to me some memories. Romance never used to be on my agenda. Ok maybe briefly. Feminism was. History was. Science-fic was. Politics was. Shakespeare was. Cultures were. Make up was. Hollywood certainly. TV of cos. Since love never used to be on my agenda, I think it would be smart to continue leaving it out. Maybe I'll add in something called hatred and disappointment. Hope they would serve as an encouragement for me to move on. I must move on. Since I'm forced to, prompted to, hinted to.
I'm back in my normal mode again, which coincidentally means lazy and laid back for me. Not that I have been abnormal, but my mood had been on a bumpy ride for some time. I'm trying very very hard to refocus, often I tend to give in to my wants, but well, we must learn to be decisive. I mean, me.
Agitated people say things which can be completely unreal of them and an agitated conversation between me and my decade + old friend sent us into cold war for 6months. But like she said, our drift was quite natural and silent. We made up on my birthday by shaking hands and smirking at each other. Today we exchanged quite a lot of information and chatted as if the 6 months were non-existent. Friends. =) It's a very complex word, with more complex feelings attached. The drift had been natural. And the patch seemed much more natural. If you could get what I mean. She's really one of the most over bearing person I met and she got a really good mind for analysis and interpretion. I dont think I met another person with more flair for E-lit than her, both in analyzing and writing. Superb. For a paper which is 1h 30mins she could sleep 1hr, answer both the essay qns when only 1 is required and ace the level. Well, it's true. And she's in Alpha list, while I'm in APTS list. Haiz... what had I done all these days? =o
It's quite hard for me, or I think, anyone, to possess negative feelings for very long. For me, it lasts around 1 day. For that decade old friend of mine, she's quite the exception, her hatred can last for 6months. But I have more patience than her =p She had been angry for 6 months but I had been quite perfectly normal these 6 months.
Things had changed. I'm very saddened by the fickle nature of human and much more saddened by the fact that I have insignificant influence over them. I cannot hate a path of nature or defy it. If the drift is natural, the drift must happen. Or, if the drift happened, it must be natural. =) Although a bit of hatred still resides in me, they are overshadowed by disappointment. The expectation had been too high. Hence the greater disappointment. I have to be selfish and say that I had not changed. So, if things had changed, the other thing or person must have caused it. But if the drift had been indeed natural, then lets blame nature. haha. Although I certainly believe that we can change nature. Just... abit of a wishing thinking here, certainly I will not allow myself to bring it out with me in day to day life.
I have a new interest. A forced interest. An interest found in slumps. Chemistry. Now I'm talking about the science Chemistry. It's interesting although I can be interested in something else.
This decade old friend brought back to me some memories. Romance never used to be on my agenda. Ok maybe briefly. Feminism was. History was. Science-fic was. Politics was. Shakespeare was. Cultures were. Make up was. Hollywood certainly. TV of cos. Since love never used to be on my agenda, I think it would be smart to continue leaving it out. Maybe I'll add in something called hatred and disappointment. Hope they would serve as an encouragement for me to move on. I must move on. Since I'm forced to, prompted to, hinted to.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
My internal struggle
It has been a long while since I put in my heart to make a post. Bel asked why the other posts were gone. Answer: I felt they were a bit of an eyesore, so I removed them.
Tomorrow is my birthday. I remember what I wrote on the eve of my last birthday. And I think about what I'm feeling now, I feel, I have not grown at all. A human's behavior is repetitive. I demand a lot, of myself and of others, sometimes unrealistically. I flare up easily and when I cannot afford to flare up in front of certain people, I get angry with myself. For many months I have been feeling abit lost and depressed. Recently, or a couple of weeks ago, I told myself I will not carry on in the same manner. I gave myself alot of encouragements, especially when I cannot get them from people. I said a lot of things and forced myself to adopt certain mentality, whether or not they are logical, to make myself feel better. But I do realise, I have no such perseverance or the wits or the mental state or whatever, to do what I set out to do. I must lament a little.
Today, I'm feeling something new. (One must beat in mind that each time I post, I'm in a fully calm state. I cannot type properly if I'm in an excited state or on the verge of a nervous breakdown.) I feel abit of a hatred and I feel like crying to release the pent up anguish in me. You know, those kind of silent weeping? One must always rely on imagination, since there are only words here. Once again, I have to be upsetted by certain inference I have made on my own on certain things that I see, certain signs that I read. Either I'm too blinded by my narrow mindedness or that the truth genuinely hurts, I feel as though I'm disappointed. The stinging pain, again. Like the stinging one gets after being slapped in the face. Maybe it's shame or hatred or disappointment or disgust. I feel like giving one of those kind of maniacal laughters-cum-crying you get from a woman whom they show in serial dramas. Normally they couple it with some swearing and BANG. Slam the door and the person gets out of the room and out of your life. I'm more civilised. haha. And I talk big. I'm rather chicken in real life. Duh. I wished I had not come online today. But I had to close a bank account for my mum, so I had no choice. And inevitably, I looked through some of the webbies I used to look through. And the result, is this post.
I used to be very persistent in the things I pursue. But failures diminish my spirits. I wish no longer to look ahead of me. But like I said, human's behavior is repetitive. A few months or years down the road, I may be foolishly chasing after foolish things again.
If I could, I would spend days and days and months to lock myself in the room and cry and think about one single unhappy thing I have met in life and wallow in despair. Sometimes I feel I could almost act like an insane woman. But, actually, that's evidence of sanity. It's alright to be a slave of your emotions once in a while, but really, I grow to hate that a little. Bcos I tend to give myself excuses for feeling like an adolescent. Now this topic of adolescence is really quite interesting. The fact that an adolescent is criticising adolescence is in fact a showcase of adolescence itself. Anyway, acting as if the sky had fallen on me is keeping me off track for more important things which I really cannot afford to mess up in this stage of my life. Very honestly, once I completed what I need to do, I will set out to mess up my life =) Give in to all my desires. Basically act like a irresponsible hell of a brat. muaha.
Back to now. I really do feel like having a good laugh (or cry) at a certain thing which I have grown to hate. That certain thing which I have grown foreign to, which made me question my own believes and made me feel that in fact the whole affair was rather laughable. Whether the affair was a result of a person or two or merely my imagination or a situation which no longer exists, well, it really doesnt matter anymore. But, it's so jittery and confused in my mind and my heart now that I wish I could put them all in a blog and hope to achieve a conclusion at the end of the post.
Everyone can be a bad loser. Everyone can be stubborn about certain things. Teenagers tend to possess the above two traits. Well, I have yet to hit 20, so I'm a teenager. There's a controversy on kidultism or something like that, which basically extends the arms of 'teens' to 20++ people. But, I'm not discussing GP here. =.= I must become a slave of my emotion for as long as I'm typing things here which may only make sense to me. So, I must continue to lament and act like I lost everything which I possess. Exactly the mindset of a teenager. I must act my age.
Women are bitter creatures? You bet they are. I'm not saying men cant be bitter creatures, but you see, it seems more alluring not to mention more ironic and prospective to add claws to a delicate creature. I'm really not making a lot of sense. No wonder all my GP essays dont meet the mark. I feel a bit bitter now. A bit crestfallen, although I should know better than to feel that way. Maybe I should watch the night sky and cry abit to myself. Something which I have not done for a long time. I remember while I was writing in my dairy last year on the very same date as today, I was also crying. All girls cry. Hmm.. some more often, some less often. Some genuinely cry out of sadness, while some cry because they have too much of a tear glands. I have a completely different issue on my mind, this year, although the sentiments are largely the same.
I wish I could hate more significanlty. But after so much writing... I have become a bit cold to matters, to myself, to people. Struggling and thrashing around. I could preserve a memory and hate it in peace for the rest of my life. But that's really a foolish way of doing things. But again, I wish I have the blessings of ignorance. Foolish. But simplier and happier.
Now, after this post, I really have not reached any conclusions yet, although one thing for sure, I'm hating fully now, starting just from tonight, hating so fully that I'm gonna reject and loathe and act like one hell of an unreasonable person. I'm really lousy in Physics. I can't lump one whole chunk of messy ugly theories into a single equation. So, more advancement I need.
Tomorrow is my birthday. I remember what I wrote on the eve of my last birthday. And I think about what I'm feeling now, I feel, I have not grown at all. A human's behavior is repetitive. I demand a lot, of myself and of others, sometimes unrealistically. I flare up easily and when I cannot afford to flare up in front of certain people, I get angry with myself. For many months I have been feeling abit lost and depressed. Recently, or a couple of weeks ago, I told myself I will not carry on in the same manner. I gave myself alot of encouragements, especially when I cannot get them from people. I said a lot of things and forced myself to adopt certain mentality, whether or not they are logical, to make myself feel better. But I do realise, I have no such perseverance or the wits or the mental state or whatever, to do what I set out to do. I must lament a little.
Today, I'm feeling something new. (One must beat in mind that each time I post, I'm in a fully calm state. I cannot type properly if I'm in an excited state or on the verge of a nervous breakdown.) I feel abit of a hatred and I feel like crying to release the pent up anguish in me. You know, those kind of silent weeping? One must always rely on imagination, since there are only words here. Once again, I have to be upsetted by certain inference I have made on my own on certain things that I see, certain signs that I read. Either I'm too blinded by my narrow mindedness or that the truth genuinely hurts, I feel as though I'm disappointed. The stinging pain, again. Like the stinging one gets after being slapped in the face. Maybe it's shame or hatred or disappointment or disgust. I feel like giving one of those kind of maniacal laughters-cum-crying you get from a woman whom they show in serial dramas. Normally they couple it with some swearing and BANG. Slam the door and the person gets out of the room and out of your life. I'm more civilised. haha. And I talk big. I'm rather chicken in real life. Duh. I wished I had not come online today. But I had to close a bank account for my mum, so I had no choice. And inevitably, I looked through some of the webbies I used to look through. And the result, is this post.
I used to be very persistent in the things I pursue. But failures diminish my spirits. I wish no longer to look ahead of me. But like I said, human's behavior is repetitive. A few months or years down the road, I may be foolishly chasing after foolish things again.
If I could, I would spend days and days and months to lock myself in the room and cry and think about one single unhappy thing I have met in life and wallow in despair. Sometimes I feel I could almost act like an insane woman. But, actually, that's evidence of sanity. It's alright to be a slave of your emotions once in a while, but really, I grow to hate that a little. Bcos I tend to give myself excuses for feeling like an adolescent. Now this topic of adolescence is really quite interesting. The fact that an adolescent is criticising adolescence is in fact a showcase of adolescence itself. Anyway, acting as if the sky had fallen on me is keeping me off track for more important things which I really cannot afford to mess up in this stage of my life. Very honestly, once I completed what I need to do, I will set out to mess up my life =) Give in to all my desires. Basically act like a irresponsible hell of a brat. muaha.
Back to now. I really do feel like having a good laugh (or cry) at a certain thing which I have grown to hate. That certain thing which I have grown foreign to, which made me question my own believes and made me feel that in fact the whole affair was rather laughable. Whether the affair was a result of a person or two or merely my imagination or a situation which no longer exists, well, it really doesnt matter anymore. But, it's so jittery and confused in my mind and my heart now that I wish I could put them all in a blog and hope to achieve a conclusion at the end of the post.
Everyone can be a bad loser. Everyone can be stubborn about certain things. Teenagers tend to possess the above two traits. Well, I have yet to hit 20, so I'm a teenager. There's a controversy on kidultism or something like that, which basically extends the arms of 'teens' to 20++ people. But, I'm not discussing GP here. =.= I must become a slave of my emotion for as long as I'm typing things here which may only make sense to me. So, I must continue to lament and act like I lost everything which I possess. Exactly the mindset of a teenager. I must act my age.
Women are bitter creatures? You bet they are. I'm not saying men cant be bitter creatures, but you see, it seems more alluring not to mention more ironic and prospective to add claws to a delicate creature. I'm really not making a lot of sense. No wonder all my GP essays dont meet the mark. I feel a bit bitter now. A bit crestfallen, although I should know better than to feel that way. Maybe I should watch the night sky and cry abit to myself. Something which I have not done for a long time. I remember while I was writing in my dairy last year on the very same date as today, I was also crying. All girls cry. Hmm.. some more often, some less often. Some genuinely cry out of sadness, while some cry because they have too much of a tear glands. I have a completely different issue on my mind, this year, although the sentiments are largely the same.
I wish I could hate more significanlty. But after so much writing... I have become a bit cold to matters, to myself, to people. Struggling and thrashing around. I could preserve a memory and hate it in peace for the rest of my life. But that's really a foolish way of doing things. But again, I wish I have the blessings of ignorance. Foolish. But simplier and happier.
Now, after this post, I really have not reached any conclusions yet, although one thing for sure, I'm hating fully now, starting just from tonight, hating so fully that I'm gonna reject and loathe and act like one hell of an unreasonable person. I'm really lousy in Physics. I can't lump one whole chunk of messy ugly theories into a single equation. So, more advancement I need.
Friday, September 16, 2005
16 September 2005, 11.17pm
TIME to upgrade myself MORE. =.= Now I really loathe salt. Ah min! Lets start a campaign called "Un-salt, SALT". Phew. More advancement is needed. I must remain focused. I need some cake. =)
Friday, September 09, 2005
Thursday, September 08, 2005
Fragments of thoughts
Well...
[8_sept;10.45pm] Why did you veto?
[8_sept;10.51pm] I need a clear, blank mind to study. grrr. but I cant find my notes and I cant find you.
[8_sept;10.57pm] Delved too deep. Thought too much. Ouch. It hurts T_T
[8_sept;11.00pm] Somewhere on the other side of the globe, there may be a real, standing human whom you never met, but thinking about you now. That's just crazy yet fascinating.
[8_sept;11.01pm] I just blew an ant into my keyboard. Argh. =.= I was supposed to blow it off my keyboard.
[8_sept;11.07pm] I know it's impossible, so why am I tormenting myself over it? =(
[8_sept;11.08pm] T_T
[8_sept;11.09pm] I need a direction or a divertion.
[8_sept;11.10pm] I need to off my computer. And I need to find my notes. =(
[9_sept;12.54pm] Hmm... nice fresh day and I like white cream wafers with hazelnuts. Just wished advertismensts would stop popping up on my blog.
[8_sept;10.45pm] Why did you veto?
[8_sept;10.51pm] I need a clear, blank mind to study. grrr. but I cant find my notes and I cant find you.
[8_sept;10.57pm] Delved too deep. Thought too much. Ouch. It hurts T_T
[8_sept;11.00pm] Somewhere on the other side of the globe, there may be a real, standing human whom you never met, but thinking about you now. That's just crazy yet fascinating.
[8_sept;11.01pm] I just blew an ant into my keyboard. Argh. =.= I was supposed to blow it off my keyboard.
[8_sept;11.07pm] I know it's impossible, so why am I tormenting myself over it? =(
[8_sept;11.08pm] T_T
[8_sept;11.09pm] I need a direction or a divertion.
[8_sept;11.10pm] I need to off my computer. And I need to find my notes. =(
[9_sept;12.54pm] Hmm... nice fresh day and I like white cream wafers with hazelnuts. Just wished advertismensts would stop popping up on my blog.
This is fun =p
http://www.studentcenter.org/tests/
I took the jealousy test, political test, personality test and pre-sex purity test =x I gave up on the intelligence test halfway through although I really wanna complete it, lol.
http://www.studentcenter.org/tests/
I took the jealousy test, political test, personality test and pre-sex purity test =x I gave up on the intelligence test halfway through although I really wanna complete it, lol.
11.00am
Wah lau I sign in msn and the 1st thing I saw was Domon's "Open your eyes, Just say goodbye" This made me think =) Muaha. Haiz... some of the things can be so simple. But girls are narrow minded. And sometimes I forget I'm just a student in Singapore whose life ought only to revolve around exams. At the moment =) I wish I can go swimming today... but I cant. =( But I wanna eat KFC. ergh =.= And tmd domon, says everytime seeing me on MSN is a comfort. Cos he knows that other than him, there is also someone not studying. LOL. He asking for die.
Once again I felt bored and so I went to look at people's blog and I actually spent around 3-4hours at friendster =P hehe. I love looking at how people lead their lives =x I looked through all my contacts at friendster and well, "happy" is the word. I looked through Grace's account and her photos. She's a special friend, ^^ And I'm glad for her though sometimes, admittedly, I'm abit jealous of her achievements, lolz. Almost all my friends went to NJ, HCI and here I am, leading a completely uninteresting life in AJ and being online. =) Now she is in canoeing club T_T BOOHOO, there is no such club in AJ. And she's enjoying all the cool sports which I enjoy and here I am, lamenting on my quiet blog. haha. And her darling looks sweet =p I see their photos everywhere, lolz, on her blog (as a background, haha) in her display pic on all portfolios, haha. Grace ah grace, miss those days when we sit behind the class and play chess secretly with weilong and daniel la =P hehe. Stupid weilong always lose, and coincidentally, weilong is now in AJ, though we rarely speak now. He's still as moronic as ever, playing the dumb guy with a bad reputation. haha. Then I have this really sweet junior, weishan ^^, who 1 day out of nowhere, decided to spam in my friendster's testimonial. I'm not really interested in friendster, lolz, but recently I just decided to log in and take a look around. Aiyah, all my juniors now are hotter than me liao, hahaha. Brg them to clubbing also scared they outshine me =P And I cannot tell them how lousy they are at first aid skills anymore =P I regret not joining 1st aid club. Now. 80% of my old squadmates are now in 1st aid club, lol. And the old school is now demolished =( Cant go back and act cool in the corridors anymore. I rmbr 2 years ago Yanling was telling me how nervous she is about quiting Dance and joining her favourite sport, netball. tmd now she is national player la ^^ So proud of her. I played badminton all my life but never joined any school teams. Now I'm in tennis club but still not playing my fav sport as much as I wld like, lolz. I always get touched by violin and saxophone concerts but I never learnt any instrument all my life, unless one can count harmonica, lolz. So, life is not exactly according to one's wishes, isnt it? =) And there is Hui who migrated to Canada ^^ who is still sweet enough to drop me a msg and send me a photo in full winter attire, making me jealous la, lolz. I met him through the Association of Chairmans. Sounds cool right? =P hehe. Actually it's just a name. We do nothing all round the year. And Miao Tian Lu is currently the president of the chinese club in JJ and Wee Keat is the holy counsellor in SAJC, lol. Looks like everyone who went to AJ really have no chance to shine =x Have to go back to RV and complain to Bobby, our beloved teacher and friend ^^. He recently got a promotion but haiz... maybe Zheng Chen will get married sooner than Bobby =P Yinggu got a crazy idea for finding a guy for me but I kindly rejected her. I cant imagine the look on Zheng Chen's face whenever we meet in maths lectures, hahaha, I think I may throw my shoes at him. And ah~ I have to mention Mandy, hehe. She is cool beyond words, lolz, currently in NUS(science) and like what her friends say, lolz, she has the composite of a first lady. hehe. Studies studies, haiz... now I know why people say singapore students are nerd. I can actually feel myself turning into one. T_T But I need my 'A' levels! =.= If not I cant get my degree. Ergh. I have so much I wanna do in life. =) There is so much I wanna see and wanna learn, beyond books, beyond time, beyond countries. ^^ I think I'll just get the shortest course in Uni and then go work, earn some money and start travelling. haha. Then when I get broke, I still can turn to Sabrina ^^ the most inspired and dilligent friend I ever have. Well, she's entering medicine and muahahaha, I can always count on her to pay the rent =x
Once again I felt bored and so I went to look at people's blog and I actually spent around 3-4hours at friendster =P hehe. I love looking at how people lead their lives =x I looked through all my contacts at friendster and well, "happy" is the word. I looked through Grace's account and her photos. She's a special friend, ^^ And I'm glad for her though sometimes, admittedly, I'm abit jealous of her achievements, lolz. Almost all my friends went to NJ, HCI and here I am, leading a completely uninteresting life in AJ and being online. =) Now she is in canoeing club T_T BOOHOO, there is no such club in AJ. And she's enjoying all the cool sports which I enjoy and here I am, lamenting on my quiet blog. haha. And her darling looks sweet =p I see their photos everywhere, lolz, on her blog (as a background, haha) in her display pic on all portfolios, haha. Grace ah grace, miss those days when we sit behind the class and play chess secretly with weilong and daniel la =P hehe. Stupid weilong always lose, and coincidentally, weilong is now in AJ, though we rarely speak now. He's still as moronic as ever, playing the dumb guy with a bad reputation. haha. Then I have this really sweet junior, weishan ^^, who 1 day out of nowhere, decided to spam in my friendster's testimonial. I'm not really interested in friendster, lolz, but recently I just decided to log in and take a look around. Aiyah, all my juniors now are hotter than me liao, hahaha. Brg them to clubbing also scared they outshine me =P And I cannot tell them how lousy they are at first aid skills anymore =P I regret not joining 1st aid club. Now. 80% of my old squadmates are now in 1st aid club, lol. And the old school is now demolished =( Cant go back and act cool in the corridors anymore. I rmbr 2 years ago Yanling was telling me how nervous she is about quiting Dance and joining her favourite sport, netball. tmd now she is national player la ^^ So proud of her. I played badminton all my life but never joined any school teams. Now I'm in tennis club but still not playing my fav sport as much as I wld like, lolz. I always get touched by violin and saxophone concerts but I never learnt any instrument all my life, unless one can count harmonica, lolz. So, life is not exactly according to one's wishes, isnt it? =) And there is Hui who migrated to Canada ^^ who is still sweet enough to drop me a msg and send me a photo in full winter attire, making me jealous la, lolz. I met him through the Association of Chairmans. Sounds cool right? =P hehe. Actually it's just a name. We do nothing all round the year. And Miao Tian Lu is currently the president of the chinese club in JJ and Wee Keat is the holy counsellor in SAJC, lol. Looks like everyone who went to AJ really have no chance to shine =x Have to go back to RV and complain to Bobby, our beloved teacher and friend ^^. He recently got a promotion but haiz... maybe Zheng Chen will get married sooner than Bobby =P Yinggu got a crazy idea for finding a guy for me but I kindly rejected her. I cant imagine the look on Zheng Chen's face whenever we meet in maths lectures, hahaha, I think I may throw my shoes at him. And ah~ I have to mention Mandy, hehe. She is cool beyond words, lolz, currently in NUS(science) and like what her friends say, lolz, she has the composite of a first lady. hehe. Studies studies, haiz... now I know why people say singapore students are nerd. I can actually feel myself turning into one. T_T But I need my 'A' levels! =.= If not I cant get my degree. Ergh. I have so much I wanna do in life. =) There is so much I wanna see and wanna learn, beyond books, beyond time, beyond countries. ^^ I think I'll just get the shortest course in Uni and then go work, earn some money and start travelling. haha. Then when I get broke, I still can turn to Sabrina ^^ the most inspired and dilligent friend I ever have. Well, she's entering medicine and muahahaha, I can always count on her to pay the rent =x
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
The two of you are unstoppable, whether together or separately...
A good friend of mine recently got himself a girlfriend. Well, he's a great friend I met on the net and he is those kind who would come give me an ice cream treat at 12am and attempt to spank me when I'm feeling too upset. I got abit too used to confiding in him, so now that he got himself a special someone, I feel a wee bit neglected. =x I didnt feel like intruding on his private time too much also. haha. I'm really glad for him, he looks clearly happy and his girlfriend, is really his sassy girl ^^
I dont quite enjoy getting involved with arguements and persuading. However, my studies require me to think critical and to constantly debate, so I end up exposing all of my weakness. haha. Makes me feel how small my world can be and how shallow many of thoughts seem. Hmm...
After struggling for months with my emotions and sorts, I'm reverting back to my old life. Well.. one couldnt say old life... but it gets rather hard when one's emotions are easily affected by a person. And, I learnt that being too stubborn hurts. So, I ought to just relax and laze around, dreaming about when I can get out of AJ. =) I havent really made up my mind to apply for political science. But since I'm in no great hurry, I shouldnt trouble my little mind over it yet.
It's really kind of tricky when one deal with a person who has unlimited patience and laziness, or coolness or composure or confidence or simply laid-back or whatever you would describe. Sometimes I wish I can grab him by the collar and shake that smug look out of his face. I cant deny I'm an impatient person. But I learnt that this kind of working style really isnt healthy for me. Sometimes I can't control my mood and make rash decisions and sometimes say things which arent me. But because of so many reservations, I eventually turn into the silent and shy girl everyone knows, lolz. And when I do show my true colours people tend to get irritated, then they start to wonder where the nice, meek girl they used to know went. Haiz... haha.
I believe everyone has at least 2 personalities. So... what you see on the surface may not be completely true of a person, haha. So... it's good not to judge a person too early. Always give chances =p If one doesnt let his immediate judgement blind him, he may well find himself a new soulmate. Sometimes it takes only 2 weeks to know a person. But still, that would be too short. I recommend taking a lifetime ^^. It may be quite impossible but hey... life's not gonna end tomorrow. Singaporeans' lives are too fast paced. I think it would be impossible for to me make any true friends in JC, there is only this short a 2-yr to know them. I believe a relationship needs to be heated and cooled and reheated and cool again. To test if it is durable. So... walk slowly.. there's still a long way to go.
Haiz... if some things can't be changed in short term, dont waste energy chasing it le. =( Life is unexpected. Now... I'm just lazing around, waiting for the day to come when I can give full speed in chasing what I feel I should not let go of again. Currently, I simply have no capital to ask for anything. =(
I dont quite enjoy getting involved with arguements and persuading. However, my studies require me to think critical and to constantly debate, so I end up exposing all of my weakness. haha. Makes me feel how small my world can be and how shallow many of thoughts seem. Hmm...
After struggling for months with my emotions and sorts, I'm reverting back to my old life. Well.. one couldnt say old life... but it gets rather hard when one's emotions are easily affected by a person. And, I learnt that being too stubborn hurts. So, I ought to just relax and laze around, dreaming about when I can get out of AJ. =) I havent really made up my mind to apply for political science. But since I'm in no great hurry, I shouldnt trouble my little mind over it yet.
It's really kind of tricky when one deal with a person who has unlimited patience and laziness, or coolness or composure or confidence or simply laid-back or whatever you would describe. Sometimes I wish I can grab him by the collar and shake that smug look out of his face. I cant deny I'm an impatient person. But I learnt that this kind of working style really isnt healthy for me. Sometimes I can't control my mood and make rash decisions and sometimes say things which arent me. But because of so many reservations, I eventually turn into the silent and shy girl everyone knows, lolz. And when I do show my true colours people tend to get irritated, then they start to wonder where the nice, meek girl they used to know went. Haiz... haha.
I believe everyone has at least 2 personalities. So... what you see on the surface may not be completely true of a person, haha. So... it's good not to judge a person too early. Always give chances =p If one doesnt let his immediate judgement blind him, he may well find himself a new soulmate. Sometimes it takes only 2 weeks to know a person. But still, that would be too short. I recommend taking a lifetime ^^. It may be quite impossible but hey... life's not gonna end tomorrow. Singaporeans' lives are too fast paced. I think it would be impossible for to me make any true friends in JC, there is only this short a 2-yr to know them. I believe a relationship needs to be heated and cooled and reheated and cool again. To test if it is durable. So... walk slowly.. there's still a long way to go.
Haiz... if some things can't be changed in short term, dont waste energy chasing it le. =( Life is unexpected. Now... I'm just lazing around, waiting for the day to come when I can give full speed in chasing what I feel I should not let go of again. Currently, I simply have no capital to ask for anything. =(
| 軌跡 | |
| 歌手：周杰倫 作曲：周杰倫 填詞：黃俊郎 | |
| |
| 怎麼隱藏 我的悲傷 失去妳的地方 妳的髮香 散的匆忙 我已經跟不上 ＊閉上眼睛 還能看見 妳離去的痕跡 在月光下 一直找尋 那想念的身影 如果說分手 是苦痛的起點 那在終點之前 我願意再愛一遍 想要對妳說的 不敢說的愛 會不會有人 可以明白＊ ＃我會發著呆 然後忘記妳 接著緊緊閉上眼 想著那一天 會有人代替 讓我不再想念妳 我會發著呆 然後微微笑 接著緊緊閉上眼 又想了一遍 妳溫柔的臉 在我忘記之前＃ REPEAT＊ 我會發著呆 然後忘記妳 接著緊緊閉上眼 想著那一天 會有人代替 讓我不再想念妳 REPEAT＃ 心理的眼淚 模糊了視線 妳己快看不見 It's one of my favourite songs. But how come songs of the same genre only guys singing? I wish thr could be one which would sing out the female's side of the story. =) |
Suddenly down to the bare necessities
There are certain periods in life when one would experience some identity crisis. It made me realise just how big my head was. Haiz... now my head is swimming alittle.
Well... I was breakfasting with my mother this morning and she told me about the 4th tutor in the year my sister has changed. =s Then she commented on how pale and sickly I look. These few days I have been out everyday since morning and coming back only late, particularly to avoid home. I look at my mother and I feel a bit guilty abit it. =( I couldnt tell her that it wasnt the family but the lonesome bedroom that I dread now. I think I must come home more often and have dinner with her. I do feel abit unwell. I had to throw up in the public bathroom and spend $10 to sleep in Starbucks on Monday.
I thought abit about Pamela and Linda and thought about how their lives had changed because one of their parents passed away. Linda is still as lame as ever =) and Pamela is really someone I admire in real life. She's a stauch christian and I thought of all the christians I have met. I seem to pale in comparisan. =p They have such big hearts. Pamela is a really strong and beautiful person. Very successful in life. Should be even more successful in the future. Then I went to read Isabel's blog =p She's a very amiable person. Although sometimes abit violent and need abit of coaxing to get things done. But I read about her life and I noticed her words, her actions and thought, well... there's really a reason to why I couldnt share as much happiness in life as my counterparts. Now... I'm abit T_T
I thought abit about the things I persist and abit about the achievements I have in life. I thought about what made me proud of myself and about my friends' views of me. Then I had some sort of an identity crisis. What made me? =o Somehow, through some incidents, some failures, (I couldnt rmbr the successess) some comments and some recollections, I begin to doubt myself. Haiz.. haiz... I should do more thinking and reflecting, although it's abit draining. On the other hand, it's draining because I think too much about myself. Or is it? Boo~ T_T
Anyway I'm going to town again today. Hope I can drive off negative thoughts.
p.s. a friend has a ticker for no. of plastic bags consumed this year on her blog. It should be er..disturbing.. well, it accelerates so fast I couldnt catch the numbers. But well... it's.. cool.. the ticker =x
Well... I was breakfasting with my mother this morning and she told me about the 4th tutor in the year my sister has changed. =s Then she commented on how pale and sickly I look. These few days I have been out everyday since morning and coming back only late, particularly to avoid home. I look at my mother and I feel a bit guilty abit it. =( I couldnt tell her that it wasnt the family but the lonesome bedroom that I dread now. I think I must come home more often and have dinner with her. I do feel abit unwell. I had to throw up in the public bathroom and spend $10 to sleep in Starbucks on Monday.
I thought abit about Pamela and Linda and thought about how their lives had changed because one of their parents passed away. Linda is still as lame as ever =) and Pamela is really someone I admire in real life. She's a stauch christian and I thought of all the christians I have met. I seem to pale in comparisan. =p They have such big hearts. Pamela is a really strong and beautiful person. Very successful in life. Should be even more successful in the future. Then I went to read Isabel's blog =p She's a very amiable person. Although sometimes abit violent and need abit of coaxing to get things done. But I read about her life and I noticed her words, her actions and thought, well... there's really a reason to why I couldnt share as much happiness in life as my counterparts. Now... I'm abit T_T
I thought abit about the things I persist and abit about the achievements I have in life. I thought about what made me proud of myself and about my friends' views of me. Then I had some sort of an identity crisis. What made me? =o Somehow, through some incidents, some failures, (I couldnt rmbr the successess) some comments and some recollections, I begin to doubt myself. Haiz.. haiz... I should do more thinking and reflecting, although it's abit draining. On the other hand, it's draining because I think too much about myself. Or is it? Boo~ T_T
Anyway I'm going to town again today. Hope I can drive off negative thoughts.
p.s. a friend has a ticker for no. of plastic bags consumed this year on her blog. It should be er..disturbing.. well, it accelerates so fast I couldnt catch the numbers. But well... it's.. cool.. the ticker =x
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
A new chapter begins
Dear blog,
I went to the airport today with tungni. I had arranged to meet her at 6.30am, but I woke late and spent 30mins looking for clothes, so I got a dressing down from her. ^^ Actually I do miss her ramblings, there's nothing as warm to a heart as an old friend's morning scoldings. And she's really the kind with 5 sec concentration span, hehe. Either that or I'm really bad in catching people's attention. She couldnt get along with 80% of our old classmates but there is no need to get serious with her. I mean, well, at least she has the nerve, not that I fully agree with her all the time.
We spent the whole day together and I told her I'm upset. In 1 sec she was listening, the next second she was looking at her handphone and telling me about this guy who wouldnt reply her sms until at least after 6hrs upon receiving her msg. hahaha. Her reaction could be seen as rude and insensitive, but I'll never blame her in the least ^^. In fact dats why I prefer to ask for her company when I'm feeling down. Her reactions are always in such huge contrast to my predicament and mood that I feel my problems werent anything more than beach hunks and bubble brained beach bunnies. hehe. She could keep my mind off things and her bubbly and outspoken nature, though direct and really quite unlike my rather inward, slow and stubborn personality, inevitably made me rush through everything of little importance with her. Sometimes I get short and asked her if she was listening to me. Of course she was, she replied candidly and even told me to stop trying to tell her what was upsetting me. I didnt need to tell her what was troubling me. I merely told her it was because of a guy, really and I said nothing else, then she was ranting off whatever she thought guys could say to make girls upset for 24hrs a day. I have to take my hat off her. 90% of the things she said was exactly bingo, although I made no efforts to praise her or to verify any facts with her. It's nice to relax and watch someone else do their magic. Well... we all need friends. One for every different occassion. =x
For that 10mins, I was prepared to admire secretly how adultish she is, compared to some other girlfriends I have, but the next minute she had to tell me about her love-hate relationship with a guy in her school who is in 1st aid club and she is coincidentally the vice-president of that club. Told ya one couldnt get serious with her, it's impossible. Then she scolded this attendant who was getting rude with me and I thought, really, sometimes it is nice to have a 'bitch' for a friend =x She knows I sometimes call her that, lolz, but she prefer me calling her the beauty. And I end up quarelling with her who was prettier =X In any case, she said my hair sux T_T And she also said she was very disappointed in my attire today T_T I admit today is fashion heywire day. lolz. She has insensitive comments and short concentration span but I had to tell her I'm feeling abit down and troubled cos I wanted to hear her views, although I didnt exactly tell her what was the real cause of all my lamentings. She merely assumed and commented very loudly in the cafe that I was dumped by a guy and helpfully scanned through all her contacts to help me find a new guy. But her enthusiasm lasted really short =.= cos the next minute she was recalling aloud about my past love life and grilling me about the guys whom I used to like. Then she started teasing me about this guy whom I used to enjoy spending time with in high school and was loudly commenting on all his faults.... Then she started counting off her fingers guys whom she suspect liked me and those who have enough nerve to tell the ice queen they like her. Lol. Alrite, ice queen is an over statement, but judging from feedback from my personal girlfriends, I am a very hard egg to crack and appear as aloof at 1st sight =P. I couldnt agree with them completely, but I didnt bother to correct them either, haha. I normally dont show alot of emotions on my face, I mean, I couldnt just start joking around with a stranger (I know some pple can, I have a friend who would ask pple on the streets what they thought of her hairstyle) and I tend to turn off after 5mins if the subject didnt interest me =x Anyway, lolz, tungni thinks I'm really hard to please. I told her, I'm just like any other girl who likes to be pampered by guys, but she says sometimes my behavior simply screams, "Piss off you big headed chauvinists, morons!" I'm exagerrating alittle =p She says my expectations are too high, so I become rather impossible to date. Then she offered to use my handphone to call her friend to ask him to chat with me and I think I almost slapped her for it. lolz. She said serve me right for feeling down. =( I told her quite honestly if anyone near me tells me he wanna date me, I wouldnt have given it more attention than I would have given to the morning's article on the newest housing subsidies the government is giving to the aged. Once again, she says 'serve me right for having no bfs' =.=
I'm abit moody these days and I dont blame people for telling me off because I show no interest in something serious which they have to discuss with me. Girls are hard to please. ^^ That's why I prefer to ask tungni out. She couldnt care less that I was feeling down. She thinks I'm feeling down for nothing. Even if she thought it was something worth wasting time staring into space for, she wouldnt have discuss it with me for more than 2mins. I think, she thinks it is unneccessary, which I'm working hard into believing also. Sometimes I pretend to be stupid and allow her to talk on about what she thinks is correct and I find that she is able to provide more insight, although alot of them are rather out of topic and quite insensitive. I realise again that I shouldnt really mull over the same things for so long, especially if they are supposed to be resolved. I already got certain answers and I really should move on but... stubborn little girl like me just cant let go easily. I would cry if I really thought it was hard on me but anyone else with a rational mind would tell me to laugh it off and move on. Actually no1 in real life have seen me cry. lol. And no1 ever saw me in a really angry mood, just serious. Maybe I should show my anger more explicitly next time. Normally I give disgusted looks. =x But... I really dont know how to think now. I'm abit confused and groping around. I wish there could be something I can do about it. But really, if I press too hard and be too stubborn, then people would be forced to say something which arent really true or make some conclusions which they themselves cant even take responsibility for and I really would hate that. Well... I would really like to chat, but I find I duno how to open my mouth about it. I wish there could be some silly guys out there who would talk on and on to me about silly stuff to take my mind off things. ^^ I could ask tungni out anytime, of cos, but she tends to make me question my beliefs. Although internet, I choose to believe what my internet friends tell me about them. Well, it may be kind of dumb, but I... dont want to doubt people's sincerity in making friends with me ^^. But... it makes me kind of sad when people whom I believe in do lie to me. Of course I did have encounters of this kind and sadly I dont think I will ever learn the lesson. Hmm... T_T_T_T_T_T Well.. some things do hurt. For long. And maybe, I have to admit that I'm still a young girl after all and I do do silly things like staring at the screen and waiting the whole night for someone to chat. And.. sometimes I get angry with myself, lolz. I have been looking for new hobbies for some time, but found none (unless you count swimming, which isnt really anything novel) although I have very little time now for them.
Ah... another lonesome night. What what is exactly troubling me now? I duno... haha. But simple things can cheer me up. Very simply. :P hehe. Now.. I'm going to bed, rest my poor feet and dream about finding my true love. =x wahaha.
I went to the airport today with tungni. I had arranged to meet her at 6.30am, but I woke late and spent 30mins looking for clothes, so I got a dressing down from her. ^^ Actually I do miss her ramblings, there's nothing as warm to a heart as an old friend's morning scoldings. And she's really the kind with 5 sec concentration span, hehe. Either that or I'm really bad in catching people's attention. She couldnt get along with 80% of our old classmates but there is no need to get serious with her. I mean, well, at least she has the nerve, not that I fully agree with her all the time.
We spent the whole day together and I told her I'm upset. In 1 sec she was listening, the next second she was looking at her handphone and telling me about this guy who wouldnt reply her sms until at least after 6hrs upon receiving her msg. hahaha. Her reaction could be seen as rude and insensitive, but I'll never blame her in the least ^^. In fact dats why I prefer to ask for her company when I'm feeling down. Her reactions are always in such huge contrast to my predicament and mood that I feel my problems werent anything more than beach hunks and bubble brained beach bunnies. hehe. She could keep my mind off things and her bubbly and outspoken nature, though direct and really quite unlike my rather inward, slow and stubborn personality, inevitably made me rush through everything of little importance with her. Sometimes I get short and asked her if she was listening to me. Of course she was, she replied candidly and even told me to stop trying to tell her what was upsetting me. I didnt need to tell her what was troubling me. I merely told her it was because of a guy, really and I said nothing else, then she was ranting off whatever she thought guys could say to make girls upset for 24hrs a day. I have to take my hat off her. 90% of the things she said was exactly bingo, although I made no efforts to praise her or to verify any facts with her. It's nice to relax and watch someone else do their magic. Well... we all need friends. One for every different occassion. =x
For that 10mins, I was prepared to admire secretly how adultish she is, compared to some other girlfriends I have, but the next minute she had to tell me about her love-hate relationship with a guy in her school who is in 1st aid club and she is coincidentally the vice-president of that club. Told ya one couldnt get serious with her, it's impossible. Then she scolded this attendant who was getting rude with me and I thought, really, sometimes it is nice to have a 'bitch' for a friend =x She knows I sometimes call her that, lolz, but she prefer me calling her the beauty. And I end up quarelling with her who was prettier =X In any case, she said my hair sux T_T And she also said she was very disappointed in my attire today T_T I admit today is fashion heywire day. lolz. She has insensitive comments and short concentration span but I had to tell her I'm feeling abit down and troubled cos I wanted to hear her views, although I didnt exactly tell her what was the real cause of all my lamentings. She merely assumed and commented very loudly in the cafe that I was dumped by a guy and helpfully scanned through all her contacts to help me find a new guy. But her enthusiasm lasted really short =.= cos the next minute she was recalling aloud about my past love life and grilling me about the guys whom I used to like. Then she started teasing me about this guy whom I used to enjoy spending time with in high school and was loudly commenting on all his faults.... Then she started counting off her fingers guys whom she suspect liked me and those who have enough nerve to tell the ice queen they like her. Lol. Alrite, ice queen is an over statement, but judging from feedback from my personal girlfriends, I am a very hard egg to crack and appear as aloof at 1st sight =P. I couldnt agree with them completely, but I didnt bother to correct them either, haha. I normally dont show alot of emotions on my face, I mean, I couldnt just start joking around with a stranger (I know some pple can, I have a friend who would ask pple on the streets what they thought of her hairstyle) and I tend to turn off after 5mins if the subject didnt interest me =x Anyway, lolz, tungni thinks I'm really hard to please. I told her, I'm just like any other girl who likes to be pampered by guys, but she says sometimes my behavior simply screams, "Piss off you big headed chauvinists, morons!" I'm exagerrating alittle =p She says my expectations are too high, so I become rather impossible to date. Then she offered to use my handphone to call her friend to ask him to chat with me and I think I almost slapped her for it. lolz. She said serve me right for feeling down. =( I told her quite honestly if anyone near me tells me he wanna date me, I wouldnt have given it more attention than I would have given to the morning's article on the newest housing subsidies the government is giving to the aged. Once again, she says 'serve me right for having no bfs' =.=
I'm abit moody these days and I dont blame people for telling me off because I show no interest in something serious which they have to discuss with me. Girls are hard to please. ^^ That's why I prefer to ask tungni out. She couldnt care less that I was feeling down. She thinks I'm feeling down for nothing. Even if she thought it was something worth wasting time staring into space for, she wouldnt have discuss it with me for more than 2mins. I think, she thinks it is unneccessary, which I'm working hard into believing also. Sometimes I pretend to be stupid and allow her to talk on about what she thinks is correct and I find that she is able to provide more insight, although alot of them are rather out of topic and quite insensitive. I realise again that I shouldnt really mull over the same things for so long, especially if they are supposed to be resolved. I already got certain answers and I really should move on but... stubborn little girl like me just cant let go easily. I would cry if I really thought it was hard on me but anyone else with a rational mind would tell me to laugh it off and move on. Actually no1 in real life have seen me cry. lol. And no1 ever saw me in a really angry mood, just serious. Maybe I should show my anger more explicitly next time. Normally I give disgusted looks. =x But... I really dont know how to think now. I'm abit confused and groping around. I wish there could be something I can do about it. But really, if I press too hard and be too stubborn, then people would be forced to say something which arent really true or make some conclusions which they themselves cant even take responsibility for and I really would hate that. Well... I would really like to chat, but I find I duno how to open my mouth about it. I wish there could be some silly guys out there who would talk on and on to me about silly stuff to take my mind off things. ^^ I could ask tungni out anytime, of cos, but she tends to make me question my beliefs. Although internet, I choose to believe what my internet friends tell me about them. Well, it may be kind of dumb, but I... dont want to doubt people's sincerity in making friends with me ^^. But... it makes me kind of sad when people whom I believe in do lie to me. Of course I did have encounters of this kind and sadly I dont think I will ever learn the lesson. Hmm... T_T_T_T_T_T Well.. some things do hurt. For long. And maybe, I have to admit that I'm still a young girl after all and I do do silly things like staring at the screen and waiting the whole night for someone to chat. And.. sometimes I get angry with myself, lolz. I have been looking for new hobbies for some time, but found none (unless you count swimming, which isnt really anything novel) although I have very little time now for them.
Ah... another lonesome night. What what is exactly troubling me now? I duno... haha. But simple things can cheer me up. Very simply. :P hehe. Now.. I'm going to bed, rest my poor feet and dream about finding my true love. =x wahaha.
Monday, September 05, 2005
This is probably the last good week I have before the exams arrive. I probably stay in school everyday until the librarian chases me out. If things arent resolved, well... I duno what may happen. Since I tend not to stick to decisions for more than 2 days, especially if they concern emotions. Well, women do tend to use feelings to judge. It's really hard for me to make a decision and equally hard not to make one. I can't bear to. I will need a very long while to get things over. And I'll probably apply to get into political science and be someone evil. Hope they will accept my application, otherwise I'll have to apply for something like chemistry and get stuck in laboratories day in day out, which is not that bad a thing either. Now... I'm still waiting.
hahaha! T_T It can be weird how much stuff I can think of in a short time and how fast my mood can change, briefly, by reading about what other pple feel. I have been thinking alot again and I realised really, how small I am T_T hahahaha! I'm going out again later. I'll be out everyday, I dont want to stay at home, stare at the screen and wait for something that may never come. T_T I once asked a friend, what he thought of me. He said something, which I cant really remember, but I replied him jokingly that I'm young sweet and innocent. He replied rather seriously that I'm young but definately not sweet and innocent. Maybe naive. Duh T_T In any case, we both agree that I am rather direct. Well, I'm not really the kind that can yak yak on anything in real life, but I tend to make my point hard =x and pple dont like it. I know they dont like it, but..er... I gotta say it. Haiz...
I've been upset most of the time. Maybe more in the morning, in the afternoon I will find things to do. Sometimes I tire myself out and go straight to bed after I return home, sometimes I simply cant get to sleep and wake up, sometimes to think abit, sometimes to cry abit. Some days I'm able to convince myself out of things. And I thought, ha! I can already leave everything behind. But very often, I slip back into moody states after 1 day or 2. There's nothing on the tv, there's nothing on my shelves. I cant possibly lie down on my bed and cry 24/7. It's a great way to forget about hurtful things but they are of little help. I thought I should face the problem and speak about it but... what is there to say? What are we heading? T_T I need a good shake, a very good one T_T It's tormenting me everyday, to guess, to think, to try to forget. Girls are narrow minded. haha. T_T I'll be waiting. I'm always waiting. I'm always here, but you are not.
I've been upset most of the time. Maybe more in the morning, in the afternoon I will find things to do. Sometimes I tire myself out and go straight to bed after I return home, sometimes I simply cant get to sleep and wake up, sometimes to think abit, sometimes to cry abit. Some days I'm able to convince myself out of things. And I thought, ha! I can already leave everything behind. But very often, I slip back into moody states after 1 day or 2. There's nothing on the tv, there's nothing on my shelves. I cant possibly lie down on my bed and cry 24/7. It's a great way to forget about hurtful things but they are of little help. I thought I should face the problem and speak about it but... what is there to say? What are we heading? T_T I need a good shake, a very good one T_T It's tormenting me everyday, to guess, to think, to try to forget. Girls are narrow minded. haha. T_T I'll be waiting. I'm always waiting. I'm always here, but you are not.
What's untold
I dont know if you know how I feel whenever I put up this picture. I was in a heavy mood when I browsed through all my posts before removing them for public to see and came to realise, how short our union was, if I can ever be optimistic enough again to consider it a union.
Sometimes, in fact most of the time, even if I can't see it, I can feel it. I can always feel it, and know it. And read the signs. And read your replies. And read your mood. Then read your tone. In talking to others. In talking to me. Even the way you laugh, I can tell, what truly caused your good mood. Unless I'm mistaken, which I doubt, the reason to your good mood now hurts me even more. I saw things that knive through my heart and I realised things that made me feel stupid. Stupid enough to believe. Still, I can't hate you enough to forget you. These days, I'm constantly working towards that goal. It is less draining to hate you than to understand you. It should be easy enough, if the signs that come from you doesnt change. If I could do it though, it sprung from my only love for you. Meaning, for as long as I hate you, I still love you. Until the day when I couldnt remember when was the last time I thought of you, that would be when I have truly let go of you. Perhaps you would laugh, or maybe I should laugh at myself too, how can one possibly fall in love with someone online? Maybe it's because we have no life. Or maybe you have your life, while I'm trying to find mine. I hold what we share true to my heart, for I still want to believe in it, in the goodness of it. Although I'm afraid, by the day, I'm losing memory of what we used to share. Perhaps you had already forgotten what you said, or you hadnt, merely changed a subject for it. Or you just so happened to let slip a piece of your thoughts and I took it too seriously.
There used to be a picture of yuna and tidus hugging. haha. I know that my heart used to skip a beat whenever I saw it appear after I put up this particular yuna pic. But it seemed so distant now that I begin to doubt if I made it up. =o I would give up all my painkillers for gastric pain if I ever see it again, in the same context, or in the context I thought it to be. I tried to find it on the web, but I couldn't. HA! T_T
I'll never know what exactly is on your mind, although, one can always guess. But from whatever I guessed, I end up asking myself in distress, where is the person who made me forget time? Who made me forget to sleep? It made me doubt, if you had ever felt what you had said to me. Even if it is only for a brief second, picture a happy future together? It made me wonder, if you had mistook me for someone else. Stupid cupid, villian. Now why, have things progressed like this? HAHA! T_T Someone told me, a year ltr, I would look back and laugh at all these now. If I had more confidence in myself, I would start counting the days. I wanna know, if you ever felt the way for me, like you felt the way for the other someone special. But I thought, I already know the answer. I cannot deny that I am very disappointed. Truly upset. Very. T_T I did allow myself to hope. I have always pictured something good. I always thought there could be endless things we could chat on. I thought, for a brief moment, things were mutual. Why? Why did you say it, if you didnt mean it? T_T Did you realise, how much agony you had put me through? But I should have known, anyway, I already know but I didnt want to admit it, that if truly there is love, things wouldnt have progressed in this way. T_T You once said, you were never a good friend of time. Looking at such happiness you are bathing in now, please, please swallow your words. You had asked if I would do certain things, if I could, at the right time, right place. I wanted to say I would, most certainly, very certainly do it. I'll still do it, if you ever ask again. Once again, I'm also not a good friend of time. Be ashamed! That you ever said all these. And I'll be ashamed that I still remember what even the speaker had forgotten. Perhaps even said in a jest, in a moment of recklessness. If I cannot stop loving you, I'll continue. I couldnt hate you, I can only be disappointed in what we have shared, so fragile that it could be abandoned.~ I can't bring myself to say all these to you in your face, I have no courage, none at all, to face what you might say to me. I was attending a lecture last 2 weeks and the lecturer mentioned so unfeelingly, that technology made the world smaller. My initial thought was to stand up and laugh at him. But I thought again, that his statement is true, to a certain extent (historians like to use this term, haha) but probably he didnt realise there was a more human part to it. Why should we feel so human? I would rather be a dog or a cat. Maybe a dolphin. But, well, it is irresponsible to say that. I couldnt remember the last time I spoke to you without thinking of all else that matter. Probably you cant even remember what made you chat with me for hours and hours. It was only in June. So, how come I feel it have been for ages and ages since we met?! How short-lived all these had been! Now, who can we blame?! T_T I look at you now, and I would laugh at myself: while I'm thinking of all these, did you ever spend a sleepness night to think about us too? I probably would not want to know the answer. =.= I'm passive. I'm waiting. I have questions and I can only answer them myself. But, obviously I cannot decide for you T_T I cannot decide what makes you happy, I cannot decide for you what you want to do, I cannot decide for you what you choose to ignore, I cannot decide what you want to do the next day. I can only try to understand and accept the decisions you have made, temporary ornot. T_T But, there is only one reason to make me happy, one reason to make me sad. I'm sure we can resolve this rationally, peacefully. But...but, maybe thr is no need to do it anyway. I'm sure gonna hate you for it! hahahaha! T_T I dont know how long this will last, whether it will end with a conclusion, merely forgotten, or one day we will find each other as strangers again, but I thought, we both believe in fairy tales? hahahahaha. /mock T_T Did you know, how much it hurts to laugh now? If there is anything I wish least to hear from you, that would be 'I'm sorry'.
If you can guess, if only you can guess accurately how much pain I'm going through all these days, and how much I have come to relish in the joy of an old moment of sincerity from you, I would not have known you for nothing.
You Are My Sunshine
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away
The other nite, dear,
As I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms.
When I awoke, dear,
I was mistaken
And I hung my head and cried.
You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away.
I'll always love you
And make you happy
If you will only say the same
But if you leave me
To love another
You'll regret it all some day;
You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away.
You told me once, dear
You really loved me
And no one else could come between
But now you've left me
And love another
You have shattered all my dreams;
You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away.
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away
The other nite, dear,
As I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms.
When I awoke, dear,
I was mistaken
And I hung my head and cried.
You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away.
I'll always love you
And make you happy
If you will only say the same
But if you leave me
To love another
You'll regret it all some day;
You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away.
You told me once, dear
You really loved me
And no one else could come between
But now you've left me
And love another
You have shattered all my dreams;
You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away.
Saturday, September 03, 2005
Thursday, September 01, 2005
Yawn
Yawn~
(I paused for 1hrs++ here, I think I was half-aslp)
Give me a slave. Thx.
Be my slave.
(I didnt noe 'Be my slave' was better, or 'Give me a slave' was better, so I included both.)
p.s. It took me 3hrs to write these sentences. :p I was faced with my own blog but suffered from a mental blockade. Of course I'm not a psycho, asking for slaves, haha. But, I'll leave the rest to my reader's imagination. =)
[music] He's a tramp.
(I paused for 1hrs++ here, I think I was half-aslp)
Give me a slave. Thx.
Be my slave.
(I didnt noe 'Be my slave' was better, or 'Give me a slave' was better, so I included both.)
p.s. It took me 3hrs to write these sentences. :p I was faced with my own blog but suffered from a mental blockade. Of course I'm not a psycho, asking for slaves, haha. But, I'll leave the rest to my reader's imagination. =)
[music] He's a tramp.
You are so beautiful to me~
Feeling hazy hazy for a few days but er...I feel refreshed now! It will take me 2hrs to type if I decide to relate how I came to my conclusion. But well, 我会潇潇洒洒的丢掉你！Although there are many happy things which I really cant bear to dump and precisely these are the reasons why I slip in and out of haziness for so many months but after observing and concluding and guessing and crying and lemanting, I can't deny that I'm disappointed and feeling very bashed. But I finally decide to get back to my own pace. Haiz...
It's like running a marathon.
Lets put it to test, though my confidence is dwindling by the day. But the importance I placed on it is also decreasing, so, it doesnt matter rite? I met my fellow squadmates yesterday, some of them. And I begin to think: what have I been doing these months? Not that I regret. There are a thousand things that I miss, that I have grown used to, that I love, but when all signs turn to negative, I have my own pride to save. It has been painful for some time. For a long time. And to leave it all of a sudden, I cant bear to. I'll be very happy to come back at the slightest positive sign, but there isnt. So, I better find interests in new delights. I think I said it somewhere, sometime before. It's such an irony, that when I said it, the thing I'm ending now had started. But now that I say it again, I'm moving on to other things.
I thought I would already know what the result of the test would be, if all else doesnt change. But when one has nothing more to lose, the result becomes rather insignificant. If it's something good, it becomes a bonus. Just like when I send out lucky draw coupons. I try to forget it after I send them. Cos if 3 months later I get a call informing me to pick up my prize, the surprise would come as doubly good, isnt it?
I could write on about heartbreaks but that isnt very nice to read and I thought I had already written quite a lot. If the point is put across, it had been. If it doesnt, then well, one can always guess. I thought one can go the distance for love and if I do find someone worthy, I would go the extreme for him. I'm already going abit extreme these months, doing somethings which I myself thought was rather obnoxious too. But I thought of Sabrina and I thought of Tung Ni and I thought of our dream and the pact we made 3 years ago and the things we suffered before we got so far. Virual virtual. Haiz... I'm deeply attracted to it. But it's so tiring to sustain a sinking boat alone if the other rower is keen to drown. So, I'll stop keeping it afloat. Lets sink. :p Maybe we'll float pass each other again. It's always sweeter in the beginning. All the petty things that made it special. When I wanna recall, maybe I can recall about 70% of them. haha. 30% of them was really rite rite in the beginning when I couldnt even remember since when you floated and kept afloat beside me.
Synchronize. Haiz... Wish you could dance synchronized beside me. Well, sometimes I will wish, sometimes I wont. I dont know what I will decide on 2 days later, haha. I seemed to have finally decide on a path but I'll get sidetracked. hahaha. Maybe I'll be happy to get sidetracked, but again, it depends. I may decide to lock up all the wires of my computer. I'll forever be reachable of cos, when there's a will, there's way. I'll always look back, but when I do get tired, I may decide to walk on. But haiz... I wonder if it's more heartless to you or myself. Since I can only keep on guessing whats on ur mind, I may never reach a conclusion about this. But I thought, girls are more narrow minded. The apetitizer was ran by you, I continued with the 1st part of the show. Well, but when the screenwriter provides a script for part (II) which the producer isnt keen to produce, what to do leh? Haiz...
I'll get back to my path of being a modern woman. All men are chickens. Stomp on them. Haha..
It's like running a marathon.
Lets put it to test, though my confidence is dwindling by the day. But the importance I placed on it is also decreasing, so, it doesnt matter rite? I met my fellow squadmates yesterday, some of them. And I begin to think: what have I been doing these months? Not that I regret. There are a thousand things that I miss, that I have grown used to, that I love, but when all signs turn to negative, I have my own pride to save. It has been painful for some time. For a long time. And to leave it all of a sudden, I cant bear to. I'll be very happy to come back at the slightest positive sign, but there isnt. So, I better find interests in new delights. I think I said it somewhere, sometime before. It's such an irony, that when I said it, the thing I'm ending now had started. But now that I say it again, I'm moving on to other things.
I thought I would already know what the result of the test would be, if all else doesnt change. But when one has nothing more to lose, the result becomes rather insignificant. If it's something good, it becomes a bonus. Just like when I send out lucky draw coupons. I try to forget it after I send them. Cos if 3 months later I get a call informing me to pick up my prize, the surprise would come as doubly good, isnt it?
I could write on about heartbreaks but that isnt very nice to read and I thought I had already written quite a lot. If the point is put across, it had been. If it doesnt, then well, one can always guess. I thought one can go the distance for love and if I do find someone worthy, I would go the extreme for him. I'm already going abit extreme these months, doing somethings which I myself thought was rather obnoxious too. But I thought of Sabrina and I thought of Tung Ni and I thought of our dream and the pact we made 3 years ago and the things we suffered before we got so far. Virual virtual. Haiz... I'm deeply attracted to it. But it's so tiring to sustain a sinking boat alone if the other rower is keen to drown. So, I'll stop keeping it afloat. Lets sink. :p Maybe we'll float pass each other again. It's always sweeter in the beginning. All the petty things that made it special. When I wanna recall, maybe I can recall about 70% of them. haha. 30% of them was really rite rite in the beginning when I couldnt even remember since when you floated and kept afloat beside me.
Synchronize. Haiz... Wish you could dance synchronized beside me. Well, sometimes I will wish, sometimes I wont. I dont know what I will decide on 2 days later, haha. I seemed to have finally decide on a path but I'll get sidetracked. hahaha. Maybe I'll be happy to get sidetracked, but again, it depends. I may decide to lock up all the wires of my computer. I'll forever be reachable of cos, when there's a will, there's way. I'll always look back, but when I do get tired, I may decide to walk on. But haiz... I wonder if it's more heartless to you or myself. Since I can only keep on guessing whats on ur mind, I may never reach a conclusion about this. But I thought, girls are more narrow minded. The apetitizer was ran by you, I continued with the 1st part of the show. Well, but when the screenwriter provides a script for part (II) which the producer isnt keen to produce, what to do leh? Haiz...
I'll get back to my path of being a modern woman. All men are chickens. Stomp on them. Haha..
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