I am upset, I really am upset. I try to teach my 2 months + puppy to behave but I really fail. I really am sad because I really do want to teach her. But how? What is the best way? It seems she is getting from bad to worse and refusing to listen to me. I really have no no no choice but to hit her when she does things like overthrowing the dustbin, biting my bags, biting my ankles biting my fingers. She wasnt like that initially. Is it my fault? If it is, how do I teach her? HOW? I really want her to behave, but she doesnt. I really tried. And now I think she dares not even follow me. She used to sleep by my side. Lie down beside me. Rest her head on my thigh...But now....she is riding over my head. Have I condone her too much? But what have I done wrong? What should I do that is correct? To show her I love her I care for her I want her but she has to behave. What should I do?

Mood: very very sad

the sunday night

I try to ignore the pain of waiting for you to reply my msg. I know your shift ends at 8plus. I msg u at 9 plus. The time now is 10 plus, yet no word from you.

I have no wish to put more presure on you. For you, I try to be understanding. I try to be gentle, I try to compromise. Think of the past, I used to be more wilful, yet I feel I was more loved. What has changed?

I told you the pup bit me. I bleeded for awhile and msg you, wanting my dearest to comfort me. Yet, even after the bleeding on my hand stopped...I think my heart hurts more than my thumb. I cant call you, I cant msg you. You want your freedom? I shall give it to you.

You told me, that you had already spent alot on me. You spend on food, on movie, on petrol. Yet now I am already sponsoring your petrol fee. I am already not asking you to go out for a good meal when we go on dates.

I didnt go shopping. I didnt ask you to pay. I tried not to even borrow from you, when in the past you said...no matter what, you would be there for me, you would help me tide over the bad times.

For many months, I tided with you over the worse times. The times when you said you had no money. I saw for myself how much you spent on your car. I didnt complain much already. I am simply sad. It seems the car is very much more important than me. Not because of what. But I think maybe you didnt realise, you are venting your frustration on me. What was the last movie we watched? When was the last time I ate my favourite food? When was the last time we went to our favourite cafe? I compromised, I really did. When I am sad, when I feel unjustified, I am simply at my wit's end. I am really really helpless of what to do. I can cry I can be angry but what will you do? You would tell me, sorry I dont know what to say when you cry. Sorry but I already spent alot on you.
I tried the soft voice. I tried the submissive stand. I gave you what you wanted even though I felt insecure. But..

You didnt say. But I know, ytd, you went for a movie with your friends. What about me? Why didnt you even ask me? Because hate my nag now? Because you spent too much on me already? Because of what?
All I want to feel, is to be loved by you, be pampered by you. Not to be kept in the dark by you. Not to be threatened by other things. Not to be put down on and vented frustrated on. Where is my place now?

Can you see my heart bleeding and pining for you?

Today, I am suffering from a headache. Slept for quite some time. Woke up sweating. Did my finances...think I didnt make money at the bazaar. So sian and couldnt reach my partner cos I called her hp and she didnt answer. Called thrice and in the end I gave up. I left my hp at old duck's place...so...abit sian also.
My guinea pug's feet are really quite sad, haiz. I am at my wit end's to caring for him. I dunno how to improve his bedding. I dunno how to make his feet less painful and the poo not stuck on his feet. Haiz...I feel so bad and sad about it. I already am washing his feet and applying medicine to the sole almost every single day for the last few months. Very tired. His fungal problem seemed to be over already...but I noticed it back since last week. And it is not eating the hay. No matter what brand I buy, it still does not eat. The only comforting thing is that it still looks at me with the emotive eyes. So whenever I cuddle it, I will sing it the song...有一个美丽的小女孩，他的名字叫做小薇，他有双温柔的眼睛。。。
I wish it would get better soon. Otherwise, it is very heartbreaking for me to see it 搞自闭 all the time. Luckily it still eats from my hand and it still closes its soft eyes when I stroke it. But...it doesnt whistle anymore. It simply produces weird bubbling noises.

Sad night

Do until in the middle of the night also nobody help me. Sian, so sad. Can't even have people lending me a small little tiny hand. Already stress until peak liao, havent even sleep properly in the last 24h. You think work 12h shift very tired. At least you treading in known waters, doing routine stuff with like 0% risk. I am slogging by myself, cracking my skull apart to do this business prepare for tmr's stall, I think it is reasonable for me to flare a bit. At least I am the sole person trying to coordinate with the bazaar organiser, the sole person procuring the goods, the sole person forking out money, the sole person worrying about the stall deco. The one who dump $200+ dollars minus rental fees, delving into a high risk constituent. Wa lao eh...already made the first move liao say sorry. Ok la, you wanna fume to yourself right? So petty right? FINE. Whatever. Thanks for all you have done. What else you want from me? My life? Must do everything to suit your mood and taste and temper and your stupid workshift? Must see your face and live? You happy we happy. You stress then I am the one who need to apologise. I stress then you give me black face and ignore me. GOOD. Equally disappointed. Cry inside my room for whole night no need sleep. The pain, nobody know. People only think, what for you so short tempered. THINK FURTHER LA. Cant you try to put yourself in my shoes. Cant you try to think of what I need now? Cant you as my boyfriend stand there and support me? Support me till the end. Not only money and goods. What I need is emotional support. NOT EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWN. Just a little bit more of support, a few kind words, not useless advice when you are 10000miles away. I need to slog the whole night SO WHY CANT YOU UNDERSTAND ME ABIT MORE? ALL I WANT IS FOR YOU TO LISTEN TO ME FLARE, SHOW ME ABIT OF EMPATHY, LET ME LET OFF MY FUME ABIT SO I CANT CONTINUE MY WORK!! Not you call me and then I still have to humour you and say the things you like to hear. I also have the things I LIKE TO HEAR. THANKS AH FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT. FOR IGNORING ME THE WHOLE NIGHT FOR MAKING ME CRY AND BE UPSET WHILE I HAVE TO RUSH OUR THE GOODS THE WHOLE NIGHT THINKING AT LEAST MY BF CAN GIVE ME A BIT OF SHOULDER TO LEAN ON ABIT OF EAR TO LET ME LET OFF MY STEAM.
BUT NOW, the stress person still need to call you and beg you and beg you and beg you ah? I really tired lor. Really. First 10mins still dreaming that you will come and accompany through this long tiring night. I REALLY DREAMING. Dream more only get disappointed. Now, only can cry to pull myself through. When I need the support, you are not there.
The frequency of my posts if shorter and shorter. I used 30mins to type this post whole crying in between and glancing at my hp. No word from you. You know how heartbreaking that is? You know I am stressed and busy up to my neck needing to stay up the whole night, yet where are you? I dunno where. Just no sight of you.
Why are you always causing me to cry like this....why are you always causing me to cry like this for you...why...answer me why...what happened to all the promises? What happened to them?
My heart is bleeding now. I wish my wrist is also.