12.20am.
I am writing this post because I have been crying to myself for the last 20mins. I cannot get to sleep though I know I have a 10am lesson tomorrow. I cannot help but cry and think of what happened with us, what happened today, what happened these few days.
I had so many things to share with you, so many things I want to discuss with you, so much eventful things I want to share with you, yet I never received the call from you. I am still waiting, although, really for the whole day...you were absent from my day, as youwere absent on so many other occassions.
I dont know what I am feeling now. I wonder if I am heart broken or disappointed. I have cried in front of you, I have argued with you, I have already sunk to the bottom of my feelings, yet I know somewhere there, I still love you, yet every other day, I feel so tired of asking you to take notice of my needs.
I crub and curb myself, not to say harsh words. But I cannot suppress my feelings all the time. Yet each time I tell you, I let it out, you do nothing. People buy gifts and presents to their girlfriends to hoax them to cheer them up. If you have nothing to say to me when I am crying, if you do not know what to say, why cant you at least do something? Yet you do nothing. Am I asking for too much? Can I require these from you? Can I request these from you? Can I beg you to do something that would touch me, that would tell me again that you love me like you did before. Or do you think now that I am naggy, petty, insensitive, not understanding, fond of kicking up fuss and I cant demand more care and special concern from my boyfriend? When was the last time you gave me a present to make me happy? When was the last time you surprised me with a midnight mcdonalds delivery? All I want is a little bit of happy and touching thing to let me believe again that you think of me, that you are not starting to dislike me. A little bit of my recent memories that I can hold on to each time I cry when you say hurtful things to me, tell me you are busy and cant lend a ear to me.
Yet I am so tired of telling you these again and again. Yet I dare not say these again and again for fear that you would leave me. Yet I would like you to understand and try to do these things to say that you love me. Yet every other day, I find I keep crying because of you, because of us.
1h ago you said you would call me, yet now I am still writing what I would have wanted to tell you here in this blog and not to you. Where are you?
I want to so much to tell you about today. About the book, about my new guppy, about my finding the place about how I came back and busied for so long, about how my back aches, about how worried I am that my new guppy would die. About how I find the snakeskin guppy died this morning and about how worried I am the new golden double swordtail would not adapt and die also. But where are you? You used to make my day. I used to be able to find comfort and happiness in you. Why...have I demanded more or have you loved me less? Why have you still not called me? I already do not mind that when I lost my way I called you but you didnt pick up. I already am forgetting soon that I was disappointed when I called you again to share the joy I felt when I aquired this beautiful breed of guppy. I already try not to mind that you dont even care that I went to a stranger's house alone and did not even pick up my call or ask if I am safe. But where are you now? What are you doing, you didnt even tell me. What are you thinking, I cant even guess now. I used to feel I am so lucky I have you. I used to have so much faith in us. Yet now I feel stressed. And even more worried and stressed that the more I want, the more you reject. I have never felt that way with you before. I thought I found what I wanted in you. I used to dare to think confidently that whatever you said were true to me, that you wont exchange me for anyone else, you will ......, you will ...... yet now, I cant even say I am confident that you will keep your promise and call me tonight.
But one thing makes everything more hurtful. I fear we will break up soon. Why am I feeling this way? Are you feeling this way too? If I am feeling this way, cant you do something to reassure me? I want it so badly, I need it, I really need it. I keep hoping for it, I keep wishing one day you would do something so romantic and touching that would make me love you again confidently. Everyday I wake up and hope you have a planned surprise for me. A one surprise that I have been waiting for months since the last time I saw that tenderness in you.
As I type, I have to pause to sob for a while. I know you are aware of it. But why dont you do something about it? Why cant you do something for your girlfriend? Why cant you do some small little thing to make her happy again?
I remember, I really remember when you say you will never let me cry again. I really really do remember, when and where you told me you know the pain of waiting and you will never let me wait again. Why are you letting me go through the pain again and again?

A new old day

Uni life for me this sem is so slack sia!! I think I wasted money by buying the $52 bus concession. This week I think I only go to school once. Monday no need to go cos no lessons. Then yesterday, Tuesday, I didnt go for the single Environmental Science lecture also because my eyes too swollen and I feeling super down. Then today when I am all geared up to go econs lecture, QM and Jar msg me to say they gonna skip the lecture. Lols. So I end up coming home also lor. But tommorow got 3 lectures...so I will go no matter what. Probably the tutorials havent start, so I feel so slack and the timetable itself is slack. But once tutorials start I will have a 5 day work week with 2 weekly tutorials!

4.20pm 22Jan
I still feel so hurt and upset. My eyes so swollen. The things he said yesterday...the tone he used against me...and still he hasnt done anything to pacify me. I feel so dead.

I am hurt and heartbroken. I feel as if I dont know him anymore. He feels so foreign to me. The things he say doesnt seem to touch me anymore. Yet I am scared. When he wakes up, what will he do? If he doesnt do anything for me, what should I do?



I just want you to love me more. The way you did, before, before, before..

Why?

I do not know how to start this post. Even as I type and try to put what happened and what I feel into words, I still have an urge to cry. I should say, the whole thing started from yesterday morning, Monday.
I received a msg frm him the previous night that he had to work a night shift again on Monday. I was upset. We hadnt seen each other for days and thought Monday we can finally meet up. Both parties were upset. I took a nap at about 10pm and woke up at 12am. Finally I have the tv to myself so I decided to watch it all I can. It was a Monday morning. I watched till about 4am and retreated to bed. He did not msg me since 9pm.
Slightly after 7am, a call woke me up. It was him, asking me out for breakfast. I was in the deepest of my sleep, and I was unwilling. The moment I said I dont feel like, he hung up. I was a bit shocked. And the shock woke me for 5sec. I was alert and I saw that I have received a msg, from him, asking me out for breakfast because he really missed me. Hence, I felt guilty for turning him down just now. However, sleepiness over took me and I felt giddy again. And I flopped back into bed. At about 9am, he called me again. He said he understood what happened ingame already. Valarie refused to return the leadership to him. Perhaps johnny didnt know Sypher is sold already to valarie and no longer rave. I was abot disgusted by valarie's actions and still I was sleepy. So I said, never mind. Since we are both not really into the game already. Dont bother fighting with them. And so, I forgot who hung up first. But by then, the 2 phone calls already woke me up and I lie thinking in bed for a long time. I thought, since we were the ones who built this clan to 14k prestige, why should I simply offer it to someone else? If that is the case, and I dont care about the leadership anyway, I might as well kill the prestige of the clan! So if they want to take the clan, they will only take a lousy worthless clan. So full of zest, I called him to share my plans. After the 6th phonecall, he picked up. From the tone, I thought I could sense a little bit of passiveness, but I acreditted it to tiredness from last night's shift and the thought of the coming shift.
He rejected my plan. I was upset. We argued. He put orward his plan and thoughts strongly and I felt extremely indignant. In the end, I didnt want to argue anymore. He asked me if I agree with him. So I simply said, whatever, and hung up on him. It was in such a mood that I went back to sleep again for the 3rd time. The time was about 10am.
At about 12pm monday afternoon, I woke up. I heard a msg, it was him. He replied, yuh lah, watever la, do wat u wan bah. It was so hostile. I felt pricked badly. So I replied, yar i will do whatever i want and i went back to sleep, and I went back to sleep. When I woke up again, I felt guilty. I thought it was wrong of me to do that. So I msged him a sorry. I know he was sleeping so he wouldnt reply so I msg him anyway. And again at 4 plus, I msg a sorry and asked him not to take it to heart. At about 5pm plus, I went out with my mum to metro. I saw a nice polo tee, and decided to buy it for him, since he always think of buying clothes but seldom have time. Then I went to the cinema and looked at the trailers and advertisment board, thinking of what movie we should watch nexttime and how happy I would have felt, contrary to what I am feeling now, if we were together now. At about 5.50pm, I was alittle panicky. I missed him and I wish he could reply him. In any case it should be about time for him to wake up already. So I called him. I never expected such a reply, such a tone. The phone call ended in 5sec. I thought ok, I will bear with it. Perhaps he was grumpy because someone woke him up in the middle of his sleep. So I msg him again, telling him I bought a shirt for him. And from then till about 7pm, I msg him several times. I thought he might still be angry with me so I msg him and asked for his forgiveness. Sometimes I thought I was being abit stupid but...I was willing to play the wrong party. I loved him. But still he did not reply. When he finally did, it was, Thx for the shirt :) with a smile. I was crushed. It was the most hurtful thing he sent me. I was merely...knocked out by these words. It has never happened. Never had it been that he wsa so hostile to me. Never. Still, I begged him not to treat me like this and asked him to at least reply me so I will know what he is thinking. Instead of letting me go through this agony and torture. I nearly cried on the bus ride home at about 7.15pm.
When I reached home, I broke down completely. I was at a lost. I didnt know what I have done so much to incur such a wrath in him. I was feeling so hurt yet I was already putting aside all my pride to ask for him. Yet he remained aloof. I cried and cried and cried. And msg him if I can call him. Finally, the last straw came, in the form of a msg. After so many hours of hard msging, he replied, sorry I was in the toilet. you left me disappointed and heart broken. I am fetching my dad. driving now. I was stunned and hurt beyond words. I didnt know how to react and I didnt know how to reply. I simply cried and wept and cried. And I had a feeling of vagueness, of like being in a dream. I really thought I must be in a dream. I really knocked my head against the bed frame for several times. Wishing to stop crying and start waking up. I was thinking, what had I done. He would never do this to me. He would never say this. Impossible. What happened. What is it? I dont know. I simply cried and cried. I think I cried so loud that my mum came into my room asking me what had happened. I didnt know how to explain. I only sobbed harder and harder. I know I want to explain things, get to the bottom of it. So I called him. I called once, twice. Stop and then thrice. And he picked up and said in a tone I think I never thought would come from him to me. I didnt even say a word. He simply said, driving now. call u later and he hung up. I dont know what I have done to deserve this. I thought of everything he has said to me when we were dating. Nothing. Nothing told me this was coming. Never. I was heartbroken beyond words. Disappointed like I was never before. I cried even harder. It was almost 8.30pm. Finally he called back. I didnt know what to say to him but my mum urged me to talk to him. So I asked him what happened. I dont what to recall the contents. But I explained I didnt do anything that he thought I did. And I found out for the first time that he wsa greatly annoyed and upset becasue I didnt want to go out for breakfast with him. And I start to wonder, how many times have I asked the similar things and you said you want to sleep too? And I just couldnt help it, I sobbed uncontrollably when I was on the phone. Finally he said he had to work, had to run and asked me not to cry. How could I? After all the hurtful things. I couldnt. He hung up again and I cried somemore. I cried till I was so tired and I simply laid on the floor but still I cried. I dont know, I really dont, why?
Perhaps I still love him so when I realised at about 11pm there would be some clashes in my timetable and I was feeling extremely down and frustrated and I thought I would have to drop my module. I was thinking, it is the worst day of my life since the semester started. He hadnt sms me, I msg him asking him to forgive me and lend me his support in this times. Then he replied and said, he will. But I didnt feel relieved, I didnt feel happy, I simply felt foreign. Foreign to these words. Does he think that these few words can erase all that I felt in the past few hours? All the tears that I shed, all the emotional torture I went through. No....I feel distant from him, I cried again to myself. I didnt sob, I simply...let the tears flow. I felt all has forsaken me. I tried to msg 2 of my friends to accompany me to the department tomorrow. But none wanted. I felt more forsaken than before. I cried and cried, thinking of the man who promised me such things and did those things to me today. They felt like 2 different people. I feel more depressed and sorrowful than before. I feel....dunno, even right now, tuesday afternoon 3.30pm, I am still crying.
What will he do? Why is he acting like nothing great happened? Can he ever understand how I cried yesterday? Why did he treat me like this? Why is he acting like this? Why do you seem not to treasure me? Why are you doing this to me? Where are you? Where is the person who planned the birthday outing for me? Where is he that sent me mcdonalds, once and only once. Where is he who hug me and say he would never exchange me for another person? Where is the man I loved and enjoy spending time with. Where is the person who called me little duck. Where is the man whom I sacrifice and gave so much for. Where is he whom I always talk of? Where are you? I think, you are gone. I think my heart died yesterday. What will you do? Will you come back? Will you comfort me? Will you leave me for good? Can I leave you for good? Am I able to do it? Should I? Am I still the most important person in your heart? Or are you so willing to give me up already?
Every word that I type, hurts me.

Happiest news

Lately I have taken back to reading the newspapers. A habit that I have kicked since I passed GP. However the SS module which I am taking now, Politics in South East Asia, requires me to read newspapers on a daily basis and create a scrapbook. On top of that I have to take news from at least 6 different sources, so I guess I will frequent newspaper stands and online journals and magazines. Ok, this is just the prelude. Anyway I woke up again to see my dad playing on the LCD tv, which FYI can serve as a computer. He had come to regard it as his personal computer since a year plus ago. So our living room is no longer a living room and I can only watch tv at night or in the middle of the night when he has gone to sleep or when he has gone to work. Skipping the frustrated and maddening part, these 2 factors (which I mentioned above) propelled me to read The Straits Times which my household subscribed. But what made it a happy affair today is the moment I flip over the papers at 2.20pm today, I saw the headline about bus reforms! I cant tell you how happy and delighted and absolutely thrilled at the news. The bus service in Singapore has really degraded by leaps and bounds and really sucky. After the SBS monopolised and the trans**** eaten up by the stupid company, they regarded themselves the king of Singapore's transport and treated the road as theirs. Waiting times were ridiculous and services were BAD BAD BAD! Now a thrid company is coming in, LOL! Yeah baby! I still remember the last time I waited for a 960, wait for 40mins until I wanna cry out in anger! And I cursed and cursed the bus company, hoping a 3rd bus company would set up store against them and now it has come true. WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

First day of school, Part I (before)

The time now is 11.26am. Having just woke up, I am obviously feeling quite disoriented because I had some problems logging into my own blog just now. I was simply stuck at the login page and trying odd and different variations of email and password with the feeling of vagueness. Finally I hit jackpot and was directed here...

Today is the first day of school for me officially, which is the reason why I am blogging anyway. For most of my other school mates, it is yesterday, but my timetable miraculously allows me to keep monday free (provided my balloting at tutorials later prove to be more successful than my bidding at modules).

The modules I am going to take this semester have been settled and hopefully confirmed. They might more or less set some momentum into my currently directionless life. Although I cant say for sure I will be goinhg into the lectures with zest. The electives were not of my first choice nor did they come in anywhere near the second. The bidding process had been a disaster, even worse than what I have predicted. Perhaps the most comforting part of this dissaray is to be able to take a breadth with our Hunk from NUS. After so many ordeals pushed in our way by the stupid school system, we finally settled down with Struggle for Modern China, 1800-present. Hopefully I recall the module tittle correctly. It is hardly part of anything I expected.

Later I am going to attend a core module lecture Environmental Science for Building. Hopefully, again, it will be merciful to me.

STUPID SCHOOL

This is obviously the suckiest bidding and the stupidest problem I have met with in my education. Really can make a person cry. Went through so many modules and none can fit into both mine and fm’s module and bid successfully liao still can email me and say sorry got confusion so you have to bid again. After so many rounds of bidding closed! Forcing me into a corner! Already gave up a SS module to bid for this GEK1013, now send me a short email and changed my entire timetable and plans and made my sacrifice of some modules completely wasted. Forced me to make a decision to take POLITICS IN SEA and now......... F***ING IRRESPONSIBLE.

School reopening soon- nearing the end of the holidays

It is the tedious yet anxious period of modules bidding again. Yet one of the most difficult part of the process is to choose what modules to bid. You not only have to consider your interest in it, but also the bidding history of the particular module and often you have to hold yourself back becuase you of your ridiculously little bidding points in the general account. All my 3 core modules were bidded successfully with 1 point each, the minimum =/ Yet I still cannot fathon why they make us go through this process when the quota for these core modules are always the same or exceed the amount of students bidding. First, they have to ensure that all of us get the compulsory cores, at the same time, they want us to go through the bidding process. I suppose the most ridiculous part is that our points are allocated in the ratio 3:1. Which means that only 25% of our bidding points are allocated for bidding competitions across faculties. I can only say one word, RIDICULOUS or SIAO. Cos as nobody should never not know and this comes with the eating milk experience that across faculty means more competition, and VERY harsh conditions. And zzzz, to add frost to the snow, every faculty's distribution of bidding points between program and general account is differnt. And my building faculty happen to distribute our points in such a way that all of us can only bid for the least popular modules =.= SUCKS.

And on top of all those things on top, I still have to bid and anyway for this semester, I kind of lost my interest in bidding. Normally I will do a lot of homework before bidding, but now, haiz... Besides the harsh bidding process, I lost my confidence that I had for the lastsemester because of my results, I think. The 2 electives which I chose, well, I only got a B and a B-. Which were kind of a disappointment. I expected more for translation. I think the others must have been too good. So I ended up at the other part of the bell curve. As for GIS. Oh how much I loved it and yet it returned my love with such soreness! Both the advanced levels are level 3 modules, so I doubt I will be taking them, kind of a pity BUT as I think of it now, I think it is a backup. In case I got outbid at the other modules, I will take the advanced level of GIS. Since I obviously fulfill the prerequisite (though not too WELL). So for this round of bidding, at least my mentality is, since I have not much zeal, I will fulfill the university requirements first, and opt for plain boring Singapore Studies modules and GEM modules(even GEMs are a challenge for my dismally little bidding points).

Lets talk about something more interesting then. I suppose it is quite worth a mention, lols. Eugene and I went to Yuki Yaki yesterday for dinner. We went there for the 3rd or dunno 2nd time for the consecutive days before we finnally can literally walk in and get a seat. The other days, the restaurant was so packed that the queue was too long to get in. But yesterday we were really mighty, cos I think we ate from 6.45pm to 9.45pm. But I have to admit, I stopped for 1hour in between but he plunged on. Uber =x We had the tepanyaki ice cream though the ice cream is not so nice to eat, it is quite nice to make =x I was so bloated I couldnt move or walk properly after that. Now even after a night's sleep, I still feel extremely full. My stomach is still so BIG!!!! Dunno why I suggested going in the first place >.<

New Year 2008

The commencement of 2008 was spent in the company of 5 great friends for me this year. Though to say the truth, I think there was less countdown spirit and more gambling spirit, rolf. Nevertheless it was an enjyable gathering as these outings always are, except for a little misfortune that came in DJ's way in the form of 'guard duty'. A pitiful way to spend the passing of a year to another and it was made 10 times worse becasue the recall was last minute. Sigh...
Our dinner was at Sakae Sushi (where else :p) but...our zu zong miscalculated and there was no buffet. Just when I was getting in the mood for it...anyway I think it was better that way, because I was seized by a serries of gastric pain and eventualyly kept rushing to the toilet to throw up while the others went to Cold Storage and look at liquor and chocolate. It was really terrible and I really felt in cold and in pain, feel dizzy and alert to my surroundings at the same time. After the 3rd time in the toilet, I threw all of my dinner up. A waste of money. Hold your jaw and dont raise your eyebrows. Well, that was the first thought that came to my mind after I puked and coincidentally the first thing that zu zong fm said when I announced it to her and weijing, haha. But I didnt regret, I just felt good letting them out of my stomach in turbulence. I thought of going home, but I stuck with the group and we went to seok's house =) There was another accident on the bus trip and I really couldnt take it as I was feeling extremely faint and pale and cold again as my stomach cramped again, so I simply, squated in the same spot that I was standing =/ I was wearing a mini skirt, and I tried to squat in the most dignified way I could while holding my stomach and sweating profusely in pain. Fm held my bag for me which I greatly appreciated. WJ stood by my side (literally) and gave me words of comfort though no aid to my stomach condition, soothed my nerves greatly. Thanks =) Eventually a lady gave her seat up for me cos I was squating just beside her in pain. Well I was vaguely aware of the group of guys who stood near the window keep their attention on me the sick girl in the bus.
Seok came to meet us at the bus stop and I met her with nausea (not at her la :x) as I squated down beside the drain preparing to puke. YL has tissue for me =) incredible and I was grateful and fm kept patting my back, I was touched, and the others offered much comfort for just being there. I was feeling well enough to walk again and fm and wj walked with me again =) like a super warm grandma and a super warm grandpa, heee. Compliments and thanks.
Now blah blah blah lets skip to the gambling part after I was well after a short nap after we reached seok's house after we said hi to her mum...........
yl and fm got hooked to mahjong!!! You can guess the rest:
2300: taught them basics of mahjong
2330: they started as bystanders beside WJ (and he ordered them around :x)
2359: brief countdown while the rest were still playing mahjong :XX
0000: mahjong, seok won =/ first thing she did in the new year was to win all of us!!! =x
0030: yl joined the table and...won us after a few rounds. fm was a bit resistant still =x
dunno wad time: fm joined the table cos not enough players =X
0200: yl and fm at the table
0300: yl and fm at the table (won mutiple times)
0400: yl and fm at the table (won mutiple times)
0500: yl and fm at the table (won mutiple times)
0600: yl and fm at the table (won mutiple times)
0700: yl and fm at the table (won mutiple times)**

so....thats our new year... =p
**editted as on 7 Jan' 08 :X