12.20am.
I am writing this post because I have been crying to myself for the last 20mins. I cannot get to sleep though I know I have a 10am lesson tomorrow. I cannot help but cry and think of what happened with us, what happened today, what happened these few days.
I had so many things to share with you, so many things I want to discuss with you, so much eventful things I want to share with you, yet I never received the call from you. I am still waiting, although, really for the whole day...you were absent from my day, as youwere absent on so many other occassions.
I dont know what I am feeling now. I wonder if I am heart broken or disappointed. I have cried in front of you, I have argued with you, I have already sunk to the bottom of my feelings, yet I know somewhere there, I still love you, yet every other day, I feel so tired of asking you to take notice of my needs.
I crub and curb myself, not to say harsh words. But I cannot suppress my feelings all the time. Yet each time I tell you, I let it out, you do nothing. People buy gifts and presents to their girlfriends to hoax them to cheer them up. If you have nothing to say to me when I am crying, if you do not know what to say, why cant you at least do something? Yet you do nothing. Am I asking for too much? Can I require these from you? Can I request these from you? Can I beg you to do something that would touch me, that would tell me again that you love me like you did before. Or do you think now that I am naggy, petty, insensitive, not understanding, fond of kicking up fuss and I cant demand more care and special concern from my boyfriend? When was the last time you gave me a present to make me happy? When was the last time you surprised me with a midnight mcdonalds delivery? All I want is a little bit of happy and touching thing to let me believe again that you think of me, that you are not starting to dislike me. A little bit of my recent memories that I can hold on to each time I cry when you say hurtful things to me, tell me you are busy and cant lend a ear to me.
Yet I am so tired of telling you these again and again. Yet I dare not say these again and again for fear that you would leave me. Yet I would like you to understand and try to do these things to say that you love me. Yet every other day, I find I keep crying because of you, because of us.
1h ago you said you would call me, yet now I am still writing what I would have wanted to tell you here in this blog and not to you. Where are you?
I want to so much to tell you about today. About the book, about my new guppy, about my finding the place about how I came back and busied for so long, about how my back aches, about how worried I am that my new guppy would die. About how I find the snakeskin guppy died this morning and about how worried I am the new golden double swordtail would not adapt and die also. But where are you? You used to make my day. I used to be able to find comfort and happiness in you. Why...have I demanded more or have you loved me less? Why have you still not called me? I already do not mind that when I lost my way I called you but you didnt pick up. I already am forgetting soon that I was disappointed when I called you again to share the joy I felt when I aquired this beautiful breed of guppy. I already try not to mind that you dont even care that I went to a stranger's house alone and did not even pick up my call or ask if I am safe. But where are you now? What are you doing, you didnt even tell me. What are you thinking, I cant even guess now. I used to feel I am so lucky I have you. I used to have so much faith in us. Yet now I feel stressed. And even more worried and stressed that the more I want, the more you reject. I have never felt that way with you before. I thought I found what I wanted in you. I used to dare to think confidently that whatever you said were true to me, that you wont exchange me for anyone else, you will ......, you will ...... yet now, I cant even say I am confident that you will keep your promise and call me tonight.
But one thing makes everything more hurtful. I fear we will break up soon. Why am I feeling this way? Are you feeling this way too? If I am feeling this way, cant you do something to reassure me? I want it so badly, I need it, I really need it. I keep hoping for it, I keep wishing one day you would do something so romantic and touching that would make me love you again confidently. Everyday I wake up and hope you have a planned surprise for me. A one surprise that I have been waiting for months since the last time I saw that tenderness in you.
As I type, I have to pause to sob for a while. I know you are aware of it. But why dont you do something about it? Why cant you do something for your girlfriend? Why cant you do some small little thing to make her happy again?
I remember, I really remember when you say you will never let me cry again. I really really do remember, when and where you told me you know the pain of waiting and you will never let me wait again. Why are you letting me go through the pain again and again?