Time As Slow As a Snail

I'm suffering from a nervous breakdown on an average of once a day.
And ever since secondary school when my 2yrs form teacher 陈老师 pointed out to me, I realise the fact that whenever I am tensed or nervous or stressed, I would be having diarrhea.

And my diarrhea has been getting from bad to worse. These 2 days, I have to run to the toilet 6 times a day.

My head hurts and I feel very nauseated. I feel like my head is exploding and my heart is bursting from pumping too hard.

Symptoms of a sroke, heart attack, nervous breakdown, panic anxiety?

Another depressing and stressful day

Come back home with 2 more reports due this week. Stretched till almost breaking.

Then the only female guppy I got out of the competition died. Had to confide in someone if not I will burst apart from inside.
Tried to find eugene only to find out that he is too pissed off to talk to me.

Feel really really upset. After a long hard day, just need you to chat with me, help me out with what you can help me out with. Fine, I'm bothering u. Your last words keep lingering in my ears. Even before u hang up on me I have to keep back my tears.

I really dunno what to say now. Cant even be there when I need u. Waited for you from 12pm till now yet we cant even have a conversation. What am I waiting for?

I am trying to climb up from somewhere down, I reach up to you, asking you to give me a hand. You didnt and even pushed me back down. You know how it feels?

Very depressed over work

Things are bad

I wonder if it is just my bad skills in essay writing.

Haiz sian...

My group mates ask me to be the editor for the first essay assignment for the law management module. But, end up when they submit the essay, they didnt submit the essay which I edited. They re-edited everything and added back all their own paragraphs to submit.

Worse for me, when we get back the essay, the essay got A. Although I wrote the intro and conclusion and they didnt change it..I couldnt help being offended.

Yet the thing is, my essay for religion, I only got B-. Last sem my essay for history i also got B.

I am like...starting to feel very very depressed... Whether is it my own bad skills in essay writing or what..

If it is my own skills that are bad, what should i do? Feel like crying...

And those people in my group are meant to be my friends. I feel a bit depressed that as a friend, they didnt even bother to tell me whats wrong. Are they too polite or something? Or secretly in their hearts they think I am a really bad essay writer, a bd group mate and they dont dare to mock me in the open?

Very disheartening...

What can I do? I feel totally not confident of my work anymore. The attraction of writing no longer appeals. No matter how hard I write, I score bad. Does it mean I have to write badly, or write without a heart, or write without creativity or write a super dull essay in order to score A+++?

Really feel very crappish now.

A Thank You Consolitude Post

Prelude: You are not going to find the meaning of consolitude somewhere formal. It just came to my mind. Recently I'm very very vexed. And I keep getting bouts of giddiness which someone says might be a symptom of early stroke.
Anyway, the purpose of this post is to express gratitude to Eugene. I owe him this post and he has been "reminding" me of it. Though, it is just that I am feeling vexed and things have not been progessing smoothly. I will explain further in the second part of my post.

I thank you, Eugene, the duck. For hmm....all that you have done. Including being my chauffeur when I need it. And including times when I have my whims and you are still tolerant and being by my side.
Thanks especially for bringing me to the guppy competition, so that I might be able to "persuade" a fellow member to give me a pair of doublesword tails. Though, another free pair of full red ribbon guppy died overnight. On your advice to put them into new water onto the same day. Ok, I'm not blaming you. I am just grieving over the death of them.
And, on that same day, I have to thank you for driving me to Towner Rd to buy that second hand 3 tier rack. It was a real steal dont you think so? For $20. Though I have to reimburse you petrol..
But well, thanks for chauffeuring me around and spending one fruitful day with me. It is really rare.

But happiness on me wears very thin easily. There is like a black hole in me. Or a dark
bottomless pit which sucks all happy things from me. Leaving me void but of vexing things.

There are a lot of datelines to be met. Datelines which people kep pushing me for but I cannot met them. It is just...very vexing. And my friends in school, well, you know, in uni everybody is only into tenporary partnership. I wonder where all the cliched stories of fun and vibrancy of universities come from. All made up. In real life uni life is a streak of fast and blurring grey.

At times like this, I am reminded of my friends in secondary school and in JC. And well, of cos Eugene. But he is as busy as ever now that he is in SIM.
Anw, about linda, mh, xl, sabrina, isabel n kaiqi from sec school. I feel warmth and cosiness when I think of them. Esp linda, mh and xl, though they may not be reading my blog, I still feel grateful to them. Though all of us are in different ways now, but I appreciate all our meetups and the kind of closeness I cannot find in my uni friends. I dunno why, but when I dream of my ideal house in the future, I would also visualise about a small victorian style white metal round table with matching chairs, and 4 of us sitting around it, drinking tea out of flower patterned teacups and tea-pots, with pots of flowers surrounding us. Afternoon tea-parties. Very comfortable thoughts.
As for the JC gang, hahahaha. I love you all too. You all have been reading my blog I know. And I would like to thank you all for being there when I am in dark moments. And for the thoughtful tags you left at my blog. These small actions bring me out of my darkness and sometimes I can feel so tinily happy enough to have a weak smile inspite of surrounding gloominess.
These gang of people, haha, have no patience for afternoon tea parties I know. So when I have my own house next time, I will prepare wide screen tvs, mahjong tables and a wide table to lay buffet spreads on. But please pay attention to the cream puffs which I may make in the future, haha.
If I have a house, I will definitely buy an oven. In fact, I have a diary entry (in my own diary not blog), containing a list of all those things which I have to put in my house when I get one of my own in the future. Its theme will be country style with lots of lace and wood and flowers and rugs and paintings. I want sidetables and ceremic tea sets. Ah..there is a comprehensive list somewhere in my diary and I shant repeat and bore all of you.

One of my most vexing problem now is the guppies. At least in studies sometimes I am in control. But for guppies, I feel I am completely helpless. I cant force the guppies to get pregnant. And I feel really thick skin in asking for guppies from all the guppy club members.

And another longlasting regret. My novel which is forever locked in the spoilt thumbdrive. It is a heartache forever when I think of it. All my inspiration, happiness and sadness and the fun things and everything. My manuscripts and my drafts...they are all in the thumbdrive. I have the thumbdrive. But the data is just simply out of reach.....

I need the head of the same model fo thumbdrive. But i cant find it anymore. The model is too old. I have given up on my lifelong passion because of it. Maybe stalling for time, until the day when I can retrieve the faraway data..out of reach.

Conclusion: Vexed mood. The reality of problems still fall onto me. Heavily. I need a break. A very very long break.

Ya I know I have to blog about you but please stop pressing me about it.
I have many many many undone assignments and many many datelines to meet. Plus the fark people that I trust keep fumbling up and creating more trouble for me.
Nothing is done. Nothing goes smooth. It is just plain irritating and very very very vexing.

Chinese Menu

This is real. And this is real funny. It kinda make me miss JinYong's novels. If you cant see the wording, click on the pictures..

Today

I am ill. I keep flaring up. Otherwise, I just go down down down. I feel so sick.

I need people to understand. But the world is just like that. People dont. People cant. It is so hard to ask for love and understanding and appropriate help and words....

I am just so tired...

I have to hang in there before I lose it.

Restart

Tomorrow school is restarting for me. After "1 week" (which is about 5 days), of being instructed to forget myself as an NUS student, tomorrow, I'm going to be forced back into reality. I was on break, but the world didnt stop for me. They moved on, so I have a lot to do to pick up the pieces where I left. There was a lot of accountabilting work to do and I have to email the professors and ask for dateline extensions or leniency in work that were not submitted...

How do I face all of this?

Desperate Housewives Sux

I watched till season 4 episode 10 and I couldnt help but go to the internet and find the spoilers. Thats bcos Mike's actions are really starting to irritate me and I'm finding Susan more and more especially after I read about the episodes in Season 5! Omg...cant she just stop finding men for 1 sec?

And it's just ridiculous. Up till Season 3 I was still loving it. It was humourous and romantic and Season 4 was starting to ruin it with crimes and betrayals and shocks....Susan and Mike married in the most romantic manner and Mike returned to become a junkie? Omg...my heart was screaming IAN IAN where are you?? I am so !Y#(*&!@#(.

I think I'm not wasting my time to watch the rest of the Season 4 anymore anyway. And Season 5 is gonna be just crap. Imagine all the Scavo kids grown up and Lynette really is no longer a career woman. And Susan and Mike just simply took the romantic element away.

Whats the point of watching this show anymore? It's just ruined and not the original flavour anymore. The show is getting sucky.

Thank god I downloaded and didnt buy it on DVD. I was stupid enough to chase Alias and actually spent my money on Alias Season 5, only to find myself disappointed and left the DVD collecting dust and watched only once.

Damn! Why is it so difficult to just watch a good show and not see it ruined?

The Old Enemy/Friend is back

To all my JC friends, my old adversary is back. The friend/enemy or I dont know how to call it, is back haunting me. Almost....

The doc gave me 1 week off to relax.

I'm trying very hard to. And a lot of things had happened in the last 2 days. Including my dad slamming the door in a fit of anger and bought me a new monitor on the same day just to shut me up so I can stop accusing him of playing games all day long. And hell he is still on his game.

A lot of other things happened. I will update of all you when I feel better.

And...it is not really helping that my download of desperate housewives is really slow and the 2nd hand desktop pc is too old to support my The Sims 2 game. I bought Artemis Fowl Book 6 but half way into reading it...I lost interest.

Old friend, old nemesis.....stop haunting me anymore...
I'm trying to relax, trying to find interest in what I like...so stop enslaving me..
And those catalyst(s) that brought back my adversary...I can only say..I'm tired.