Sad night

Do until in the middle of the night also nobody help me. Sian, so sad. Can't even have people lending me a small little tiny hand. Already stress until peak liao, havent even sleep properly in the last 24h. You think work 12h shift very tired. At least you treading in known waters, doing routine stuff with like 0% risk. I am slogging by myself, cracking my skull apart to do this business prepare for tmr's stall, I think it is reasonable for me to flare a bit. At least I am the sole person trying to coordinate with the bazaar organiser, the sole person procuring the goods, the sole person forking out money, the sole person worrying about the stall deco. The one who dump $200+ dollars minus rental fees, delving into a high risk constituent. Wa lao eh...already made the first move liao say sorry. Ok la, you wanna fume to yourself right? So petty right? FINE. Whatever. Thanks for all you have done. What else you want from me? My life? Must do everything to suit your mood and taste and temper and your stupid workshift? Must see your face and live? You happy we happy. You stress then I am the one who need to apologise. I stress then you give me black face and ignore me. GOOD. Equally disappointed. Cry inside my room for whole night no need sleep. The pain, nobody know. People only think, what for you so short tempered. THINK FURTHER LA. Cant you try to put yourself in my shoes. Cant you try to think of what I need now? Cant you as my boyfriend stand there and support me? Support me till the end. Not only money and goods. What I need is emotional support. NOT EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWN. Just a little bit more of support, a few kind words, not useless advice when you are 10000miles away. I need to slog the whole night SO WHY CANT YOU UNDERSTAND ME ABIT MORE? ALL I WANT IS FOR YOU TO LISTEN TO ME FLARE, SHOW ME ABIT OF EMPATHY, LET ME LET OFF MY FUME ABIT SO I CANT CONTINUE MY WORK!! Not you call me and then I still have to humour you and say the things you like to hear. I also have the things I LIKE TO HEAR. THANKS AH FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT. FOR IGNORING ME THE WHOLE NIGHT FOR MAKING ME CRY AND BE UPSET WHILE I HAVE TO RUSH OUR THE GOODS THE WHOLE NIGHT THINKING AT LEAST MY BF CAN GIVE ME A BIT OF SHOULDER TO LEAN ON ABIT OF EAR TO LET ME LET OFF MY STEAM.
BUT NOW, the stress person still need to call you and beg you and beg you and beg you ah? I really tired lor. Really. First 10mins still dreaming that you will come and accompany through this long tiring night. I REALLY DREAMING. Dream more only get disappointed. Now, only can cry to pull myself through. When I need the support, you are not there.
The frequency of my posts if shorter and shorter. I used 30mins to type this post whole crying in between and glancing at my hp. No word from you. You know how heartbreaking that is? You know I am stressed and busy up to my neck needing to stay up the whole night, yet where are you? I dunno where. Just no sight of you.
Why are you always causing me to cry like this....why are you always causing me to cry like this for you...why...answer me why...what happened to all the promises? What happened to them?
My heart is bleeding now. I wish my wrist is also.

12.20am.
I am writing this post because I have been crying to myself for the last 20mins. I cannot get to sleep though I know I have a 10am lesson tomorrow. I cannot help but cry and think of what happened with us, what happened today, what happened these few days.
I had so many things to share with you, so many things I want to discuss with you, so much eventful things I want to share with you, yet I never received the call from you. I am still waiting, although, really for the whole day...you were absent from my day, as youwere absent on so many other occassions.
I dont know what I am feeling now. I wonder if I am heart broken or disappointed. I have cried in front of you, I have argued with you, I have already sunk to the bottom of my feelings, yet I know somewhere there, I still love you, yet every other day, I feel so tired of asking you to take notice of my needs.
I crub and curb myself, not to say harsh words. But I cannot suppress my feelings all the time. Yet each time I tell you, I let it out, you do nothing. People buy gifts and presents to their girlfriends to hoax them to cheer them up. If you have nothing to say to me when I am crying, if you do not know what to say, why cant you at least do something? Yet you do nothing. Am I asking for too much? Can I require these from you? Can I request these from you? Can I beg you to do something that would touch me, that would tell me again that you love me like you did before. Or do you think now that I am naggy, petty, insensitive, not understanding, fond of kicking up fuss and I cant demand more care and special concern from my boyfriend? When was the last time you gave me a present to make me happy? When was the last time you surprised me with a midnight mcdonalds delivery? All I want is a little bit of happy and touching thing to let me believe again that you think of me, that you are not starting to dislike me. A little bit of my recent memories that I can hold on to each time I cry when you say hurtful things to me, tell me you are busy and cant lend a ear to me.
Yet I am so tired of telling you these again and again. Yet I dare not say these again and again for fear that you would leave me. Yet I would like you to understand and try to do these things to say that you love me. Yet every other day, I find I keep crying because of you, because of us.
1h ago you said you would call me, yet now I am still writing what I would have wanted to tell you here in this blog and not to you. Where are you?
I want to so much to tell you about today. About the book, about my new guppy, about my finding the place about how I came back and busied for so long, about how my back aches, about how worried I am that my new guppy would die. About how I find the snakeskin guppy died this morning and about how worried I am the new golden double swordtail would not adapt and die also. But where are you? You used to make my day. I used to be able to find comfort and happiness in you. Why...have I demanded more or have you loved me less? Why have you still not called me? I already do not mind that when I lost my way I called you but you didnt pick up. I already am forgetting soon that I was disappointed when I called you again to share the joy I felt when I aquired this beautiful breed of guppy. I already try not to mind that you dont even care that I went to a stranger's house alone and did not even pick up my call or ask if I am safe. But where are you now? What are you doing, you didnt even tell me. What are you thinking, I cant even guess now. I used to feel I am so lucky I have you. I used to have so much faith in us. Yet now I feel stressed. And even more worried and stressed that the more I want, the more you reject. I have never felt that way with you before. I thought I found what I wanted in you. I used to dare to think confidently that whatever you said were true to me, that you wont exchange me for anyone else, you will ......, you will ...... yet now, I cant even say I am confident that you will keep your promise and call me tonight.
But one thing makes everything more hurtful. I fear we will break up soon. Why am I feeling this way? Are you feeling this way too? If I am feeling this way, cant you do something to reassure me? I want it so badly, I need it, I really need it. I keep hoping for it, I keep wishing one day you would do something so romantic and touching that would make me love you again confidently. Everyday I wake up and hope you have a planned surprise for me. A one surprise that I have been waiting for months since the last time I saw that tenderness in you.
As I type, I have to pause to sob for a while. I know you are aware of it. But why dont you do something about it? Why cant you do something for your girlfriend? Why cant you do some small little thing to make her happy again?
I remember, I really remember when you say you will never let me cry again. I really really do remember, when and where you told me you know the pain of waiting and you will never let me wait again. Why are you letting me go through the pain again and again?

A new old day

Uni life for me this sem is so slack sia!! I think I wasted money by buying the $52 bus concession. This week I think I only go to school once. Monday no need to go cos no lessons. Then yesterday, Tuesday, I didnt go for the single Environmental Science lecture also because my eyes too swollen and I feeling super down. Then today when I am all geared up to go econs lecture, QM and Jar msg me to say they gonna skip the lecture. Lols. So I end up coming home also lor. But tommorow got 3 lectures...so I will go no matter what. Probably the tutorials havent start, so I feel so slack and the timetable itself is slack. But once tutorials start I will have a 5 day work week with 2 weekly tutorials!

4.20pm 22Jan
I still feel so hurt and upset. My eyes so swollen. The things he said yesterday...the tone he used against me...and still he hasnt done anything to pacify me. I feel so dead.

I am hurt and heartbroken. I feel as if I dont know him anymore. He feels so foreign to me. The things he say doesnt seem to touch me anymore. Yet I am scared. When he wakes up, what will he do? If he doesnt do anything for me, what should I do?



I just want you to love me more. The way you did, before, before, before..