Monday Afternoon

He has changed. Changed so much. Since he got out of NS, into uni and after he works outside. The way he talks to me...it just hurts me so much.

I dont understand and I'm finding very hard to believe. It is so difficult for me to keep myself together and not fall apart.

I plucked up the courage to drop a msg and try to seek some compromise in there. But he threw back the msg at me and acted like it was all my fault. Then he started to get sarcastic. Do you know that every word you said is like a sword through my heart?

Happy couples communicate. Since we dont, it's really bad for us. And I really am trying trying very hard to pull myself together. I need to study. But because of my mood and everything, I am neglecting everything else. I didnt even attend the meeting today. I just cant bring myself to. I am not a zombie. I have feelings. Can you please stop hurting them.

A Hurt Soul

It is now 2.10am in the morning.

I was the one hurt, yet I keep staring at my handphone. Waiting for a glimpse of hope to come. Waiting for a glimmer of what I used to believe.

None came.

It is only hurting me more. Perhaps that is what you want it to be. To hurt me, right? Thats your intention. Hurt me as much as possible and you will be happy?

But isnt it what couples should do? Go out of the way to calm each other's paranoia? So...what the hell was wrong with you the whole day? Are you going to be like that forever?

Suckers

My dad sux big time. He wishes I wont dump my problems on him and wishes I can get off his back while he is playing his stupid computer games. He spends $300 without battling an eyelid to buy a virtual WEAPON in his game but says he has no money for me to buy a monitor which has been spoilt for a year.

Kao. Why cant he be the dads I see on tv and read in books? Why cant he be a role model or a hero whom I look up to?

Anyway I flipped through my diary just now. It appears that all these years he has been a bad dad anyway. And he said it himself, he couldnt care less. pui.

And my bf. He blames me for bothering him with problems early morning and thinks whatever I say is shit. Why do I keep getting this kind of people in my life? People who didnt care less and think all they need is 10mins a day to keep a relationship running?

I'm just looking for a reliable guy to help me out when I need it. Why do they all think what I say is shit? I cant rely on my dad I cant rely on my bf? Then what? THEN TELL ME WHAT THE HELL CAN I DO?

All I need is a man who is there to help me when I need. Treat me nicely talk to me nicely. Advice me nicely, remind me things nicely.

But...
When was the last time you reassured me when I was worried?
When was the last time you gave me advice when I encountered a problem?
When was the last time you reminded me gently to keep my temper in check when I flare up?

Good couples help each other become their best. I dont think we're doing so. Maybe I didnt do any of the above too. My fault. But..I really cant take it when men appear heck care about the women that claim to love.
It's always men's things first. Wait till my mood is good. Wait till I'm free. Wait till I have more money to spare. Wail till I have nothing else to do. Then it is my turn.

Is this love? You always say I am on your top priority?
I look to you for support when I need it. But you yank me far far away violently. Do you know how much it hurts me?

I've already compromised so much. All I want is help, support and comfort at the times of need. What else do you know? Why else do you all still wanna scold me, accuse me and hurt me?

Recess Week

It's been a crazy week. It's crazy bcos I havent been doing anything in this recess week.

It officially started a week ago on my birthday. 4 different groups of people celebrated it for me, 1 of which is my family. And after those celebrations last weekend, I practically did nothing for the whole week. Well, I did something actually, and that is to rot at home, watch dvd till 6am, sleep till 2pm and wake up with a headache each day!

So I'm actually glad to host a small party for my 3 other sec sch gd friends at my house on Friday. Mh and I went to buy ingredients and we all cooked, except for xl, cos she didnt dare to get off the chair. Reason being, she's scared of my barkish little cute dog, mwahahha.

Anyway I got 2 bags for my bday. One was really ex, and one was cheap. But both are special. I took pictures! But I'm lazy right now to post them up. Maybe in my next post.

And ya, sorry I forgot to mention the bday lunch organised by my jc friends for me =) It really was a short lunch. But I did manage to buy a watch (which coming back to think of it, was really overpriced). Again, I took pictures but I'm lazy to post it up, haiz!

Currently, I have loads of schoolwork undone. Hmm...an estimated 3 different assignments and a pending library fine to pay.
But I'm not starting yet. Not in the mood YET. I'm reading Artemis Fowl book 6. Yeah it is finally out but it costs me a bloody $24. Very ex for a "children's" book. But I wanna read it, so I let them chop my head like I'm a carrot.
And I guess I'm really in the mood for sequels cos I realised Desperate Housewives Season 4 is on air now! And Susan is pregnant with Mike's child! Omg....so sweet. I'm currently downloading BOTH season 3 and 4. I skipped season 3 after the 2nd episode cos Susan went out with Ian and Tom was being so sucky to Lynette, and Bree is no longer Mrs. Van De Kamp.
But I am so going to watch it now cos Susan and Mike are together again! But too bad Karl is no longer in the picture, haiz!
Well....really wish my download speed is faster!! Holiday is almost over!!!!

p.s. I got a bit of inspiration lately. I'm planning to write something. And I just thought of nicknames for domon and huangmu. They will be named Dancing Feet on Trees and Flying Kicks on Water respectively. My story is going to be a short, funny one set in the ancient times where everyone knows magical KUNGFU. Wahahaha

Compliments

As promised, I have to compliment somebody, for his really rare, touching and sincere efforts on the eve of my birthday.

Hmm, he is also complaining about what I wrote on my blog about him. And he even pointed and read out selective parts. Haiz...I write when I am emo mah. So when I am especially angry or desperate or struggling inside, I will unleashed them on my blog. And using my more than enough linguistic skills I often always manage to paint a bleak picture of the scenarios. But I think I quite accurately portray my feelings at those points of time. BUT..ok, he says I dont do him justice because I omit those good things that he did. So, the depiction of him on my blog is completely biased.
Actually is because I can get depressed more easily than jubilant. And since my inspiration for writing comes from extremities of my emotional world, I tend to write more depressive and angry essays. Got the logic behind it?

Honestly, I dont blog when I am happy. When I am happy I seldom resort to surfing the net for hours and blog unhappy and boring things. (So when you read this post you know that I am feeling bored during the recess break and I have probably surfed the net for 5-6hours already).

And, yups I have to blog good things about him. He really spent a bomb. Although I feel surprised and abit pleased, I dont really need such expensive things. Haiz. Dont want end up have to feel indebted :(
But well, I had a very lavish lunch and a very expensive bag. For which I am grateful but I wish he didnt spend so much so I dont need to feel so guilty now.

Actually, it is just inherent of me. I feel abit off now...so I shant blog any further. Feeling unwell again. I think I havent feel right since the day I spent 30hours straight on my research essay. Something wrong with my body already.

Birthday Celebrations

There's a person, who wants me to write very good things about him, based on what he has done for me on my birthday. Cos he would like me to clarify that the past few posts on him were very biased >.<
Ok, I was emotional, but I always am. Perhaps thats where most of my inspiration for novels come from also.
Er but ya, he did quite a number of amazing things yesterday, for which, I am duty bound to report them truthfully here.
But I am feeling a bit unwell. My nose is runny and my stomach is painful. So I will leave the complementing post for another day ok? Good things are worth waiting for..
p.s. I added a new list to my blog titled "Regrets".
I suddenly feel abit down after Eugene left my house and I'm unable to sleep and am currently reflecting upon my life, since my birthday is also drawing to an end..
And ya..I just realised, I have had this blog skin for 4 years since 2004 already.
In addition, the contents of my blog changed...more like the style. In case none of you read, my first post was a poem =) And that was the inspiration for setting up a blog also. My first blog was at the open diary and I had alot alot of prose, poems, literature there. I was all poetic.
But I am growing all too realistic. My well of inspiration seems to have dried up over the past 2 years. Is it the effect of time on me that I am growing a previously unknown trait called practicality?
I feel like a lonely flower...all alone in the meadow, feeling the changing winds of time beating down upon me.

Nothing New This Week

Damn sian.
I am so stressed and unhappy. All I want is for my own bf to accompany me WHILE HE IS ON HOLIDAY. Not like he has to work or he has to study for exam or he has to revise or what. He has nothing on. But he's UNABLE TO COME.

Then wait till when? Wait till he is busiest. Wait till he is working. Wait till his school reopen wait till his exams then I ask him to accompany me?

Sian

Whats New in This Week

Basically, I went to the doctor's yesterday. I have been feeling very bloated for the whole week. Initially I thought I was just fat, since I really couldnt squeeze into my nicest pair of jeans. But yesterday it intensifed to the stage that I cant even drink water without feeling like my stomach is going to bust.

After rolling about in cold sweat for the whole morning and afternoon, my mum decided to pull me to the nearest GP. And man...I was charged $50 for the medicines. I had reverse gastric juice, which means my gastric juice (and food juices) keep regurgitating, which is the cause of me puking "water" into the toilet boil once every 15mins. And I also had flatulence, which means I keep farting. And of course, I suffer from bloating.

In short, the feeling is like I have just eaten an enormous buffet. But the feeling aint good if it lasts for 2 days straight. And sleeping doesnt make it better.

The $50 medicine made me better though. I felt better after just 1 dosage but I have to remember to keep taking it.

Coincidentally, yesterday was Mid Autumn Festival too. Mum, sis and I went down to the park to play with candles and sparkles. 10 yrs down the road, this park is still as crowded as ever on Mid Autumn. The usual temporary stage was set up and there was performances, enthusiatic singing and some other traditional chinese performance like the Art of Changing Face. Yeah..

And...the reason why I am typing so much is because I am so darn super stressed. Which may be the reason for my gastric problem also.

I am so stressed because I need to hand in a 2000 word essay on the topic: Should people be free to convert in and out of a religion?
It is supposed to be a piece of cake for me. BUT! I am having such an awful mental block. I cant even bring myself to type down anything. This inertia in me...haiz.. I think is the consequence of stress and high expectation.

Plus, it is due on this coming Friday. AND! I have a proposal presentation due for presenting on this Friday too. And I have to wear semi-formal. See the importance of it now?

Now you know how stressed up I am.

So..in order to reduce stress. I am going to continue to type.
Please continue reading about the Mid Autumn Festival in the below post.

Visuals on Mid Autumn

I took a few pictures of yesterday's outing to the park. It was raining in the evening and we actually saw some kids who are not dampened by the rainy season. They continued to light lanterns in the void deck, yes. Hahaha. And I saw WeiJing while I was on the way also, haha.

Two weeks ago my mum already decided to take our dog along to celebrate Mid Autumn TOGETHER. And she specifically requested me to buy dog boots for Fluffy just for this outing! My mum says "otherwise it would be too dirty". And yeah, I really bought the boots, imported from USA, but cost price only SGD$5 hahaha. I banked on a spree.

Besides Fluffy our dog, Eugene was another guest. He came at about 9plus and arrived with bubble tea. Although he forgot to ask for honey in my green tea. :x

And yeah, I took photos, which I am going to show you all, haha.

I am going to talk about my dog first.

Here is she. 10 Months old, Shih Tzu cross Chihuahua, Female:

Initially she felt quite curious to the surroundings. Esp when everyone is playing with sparkles and producing so much noise and movement.

(Notice her pink booties and my fat leg.)

Then she heard some silly kids launching rocket sparkles. Those rocket sparkles can fly, can produce a huge WEEEEE sound and can emit alot of smelly smoke.

Then she decided, everyone else is playing the same noisy smoky things, and she cant go near the candles which my sister was busy lighting up...so she decided to play with the funny pink things on her feet instead.

After biting and failing to bite off the boots, she decided, Mid Autumn Festival is a truly boring affair..haiz...Yawn~

Cant really blame her though. See how smoky it was. Even my sister couldnt resist rubbing her eyes..

And it was super humid. I spent half of the time sitting there and fanning myself...

BUT..

The puppy still had some fun with the lantern at the end...

Mid Autumn is not that bad afterall....

Jokes about Dogs

I subscribe to this free online newsletter and I saw a very funny article on this joke about dogs giving different responses to a question. The answers are obviously made up by humans but it reflects the dog's characteristics.

Worth a small laugh in any case.

How many dogs does it take to change a lightbulb?

1) Golden Retrievers : The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

2) Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

3) DACHSHUND: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

4) ROTTWEILER: Make me.

5) Labrador Retrievers : Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?

6) TIBETAN TERRIER: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy!

7) Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

8) GERMAN SHEPHERD: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark , checked to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

9) COCKER SPANIEL: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

10) Doberman Pinchers: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

11) OLD ENGLISH SHEEP DOG: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb.

Unsuccessful Communication

No understanding is reached. Nothing pierced me. The words bounce off me. I dunno how to be pacified. But shouldnt the outsider know better? Shouldnt the one idling during holiday spend more time on the problem? Why am I, the one struggling with semester assignments, be frustrated over all these?

I know. The idling one doesnt see a problem. Everything that I raise and throw to him gets dissolved. Once he wakes up, he slips back into his own routine and his body assumes there is no problem. I, on the other hand, take the problem to bed, cry over it, and wake up feeling mentally exhausted, and am still haunted by it.

Unsolved problems do not go away. They stay on and they build on the later problems. The root of the problem, may be me. But it will affect both parties. If nothing is done, the problem will just escalate. You are letting the problem escalate.

As long as you continue on with your lifestyle, you will exclude me from you. You disconnect yourself from me, from others also. I would have to wait 14hours a day for you, every day, because of your stubborn life routine. You ignore others.
You want me to compromise also. How? Shall I switch all my lessons to night classes? Sleep at 4am and wake up at 6pm everyday? Yeah? Thats precisely what you are doing. Unfortunately, I lead a normal person's lifestyle.
It is impossible for me to adhere to that. How do you want me to accomodate you? If I can tolerate this, it means I do not mind getting out of your life. It means I can do without you. All your actions are pushing me to that brink.

I have a few pointers to remember:
1) He will only wake up at night. Do not expect him to contact you in the day.
2) He will not msg you when he hangs out with his friends in the day. Do not expect him to msg you.
3) He does not like to msg. He prefers to call directly. And he will only call at most once a day when he likes it. And most of the time I would be furiously preparing for the next day's lesson or it would be time to sleep.

So what is my conclusion?
Never sms him even though I miss him or if I feel lonely. I would only be asking for nothing. Dont call him, because if he is sleeping, he wouldnt bother with what you say.
Perhaps I should sms another guy when I need comfort, when I need help, when I am lonely, when I need to share happiness, when I need to share sorrow.
Since it's your lifestyle, you cannot change. How do you expect me to accomodate you? Be a waiting machine and wait 14hours, live forever to wait for your 1 phone call which may come or may not come?
I'm not that pathetic.

How A Dog Drinks Water

http://www.videosift.com/video/Dog-drinking-in-slow-motion-watch-the-tongue

Seriously, I never knew it until I watched this video.
Thats how a dog drinks water!

Sleepless night

As youc an see, it is 4.30am in the morning now. I already watched tv until I cant take it (cos all midnight shows are boring and weej should know cos I msged him at 1am saying that I'm watching US Open 2008 and I complained to FM guess3 is boring but I got ignored by her subsequently), and I surfed net till I'm bored.

So the last resort is actually blogging! You all know the frequency of my blogging..

I'm suffering from insomnia.

It's gonna make my panda eyes worse. But I really cant sleep. I feel quite dejected honestly. Bcos I'm feeling very stressed in school. I'm being challenged heavily in quite a few aspects. For example my ability to present, my ability for impromptu speech, my ability to debate, my ability to think critically and my love for arts subject!

Now I think I'm better off being some maggot at home.

And I still wanna tour Egypt before all the pyramids corrode. Where am I going to get the money? No guy is gonna take me there. :( Sad.
And I wanna visit Venice before it sinks. No guy is gonna take me there. Unromantic.

And I cant count on myself cos I can feel my grades slipping right through my fingers!

I'm really really wondering what exactly was I born to do? What kind of talents can I expound on?
What am I????!!! Why am I born? What am I born to do? What is my purpose in life???