What happened today

It is now 3.30am.
I cannot sleep. 1 minute my brain tells me to accept the fact that we might part, but the next minute my heart declines and I cry.

I dedicate the below post to you. In fact, all the posts that I have entered the last few times, is for you. I cant disturb you during your exams I know. So I blog because I know sometimes you would come and read. Then without bothering you, you can read about me at your own time when you are free. But...I would never know when you will come by. So I can only do my part and silently type things here, wishing you would read and understand what I am feeling.

This post, is about today. When after crying for so many hours, I am in one of my rare sober mind and have realised, at least very slightly, that today's situation shouldnt have gone so badly wrong and disastrous.

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I would like to give a full recount of what happened. To give you a full explanation and description of all my body languages today.
And to tell you what happened, and eventually hope to understand why everything progressed the way it did. And even if you have almost want to give up on us, our love, all that we have shared for the past 1 year plus....I hope, that there is still hope. I still hope that you would understand me and I really didnt like you say, flare up like a petty lady. I thought, you still loved me. At least I thought so....until the phone conversation we had just now. Nevertheless.....
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Yes, I remember the happy look you had when you saw me today and my heart registered the genuine happy tone you had when you spoke to me. My heart fluttered when I heard that happy tone finally after such a long time. For that second, I forgot all other things and my heart tells me that I am genuinely happy to see you too.

But why had I become so mad? Apart from all the reasons I had tried to put across, perhaps it was also the fact that deep inside me, I know I was wrong to blame you. I was wrong to make you go there and be with me.

Yes, initially I was very hurt and angry that I cannot understand why you cannot accept my aquarium hobby like I do.

So in my nights of insomnia, in my lonely nights when I can only think of you but cannot look for you...I begin thinking..begin looking for answers in my mind, and trying to recall from my memories of you, why you cant share the this interest that I do.

I remember when I started this guppy hobby. I didnt ask you to join me because I know you wouldnt be interested. For a while, I contemplated giving up the new found interest because I wanted to find a hobby that I can share with you. Since, we have both left the game that have brought us together. There need to be something else that gels us together.

But then shortly, you informed me of your past hobby in luohan keeping. So I was delighted really. I thought we have a common interest again. So I ventured further. I asked you questions about my new hobby which I thought you enjoy too. I looked up the information on luohan and tried to understand the hobby that you once had. Whichever fish shop that I went to, I looked for luohan and try to admire the beauty that you once sought. Did you know that today, at Aquastar, Blk 934, the first thing I looked was not guppies and plants, but I went to look at their display of luohan, thinking how you would react when you see those fishes. I even saw one which had a particularly big kok, and I wanted to show it to you. I thought you would be happy to see something which you like. One of the luohan was priced at $680. I imagined your reaction and I thought how funny it would have been if you were to criticise it and say the money is not worth the fish. Then I would have looked at you and enjoy the serious look on your face when you say that. I dont know anything about luohan. But I was always mesmerised by the way you commented so professionally on these things.

So, while I waited for you to come, I kept imagining us admiring the fishes together, imagining how happy we will be to laugh at the weird fishes on display. I saw a huge display of saltwater fishes. And I remembered that you once kept marine fishes and I kept it at the back of my mind to show you the live coral rock that I saw. The fascianting coral can actually move.

Meanwhile I worried was, would you be bored when you are here, and I had to find ways to make you enjoy this trip. I didnt even look at the guppies. All I thought was you and how to make you enjoy this place so you wouldnt be bored when you reach. There were many ornamental shrimps for sale but I took a quick look by myself because I know you wouldnt be interested, so I told myself, ok, after I finish looking at shrimps then no more.

Then I saw the bettas, took a look and thought, the guy dont like betta. I better dont show him if not he will be bored. And I thought, next time I can bring my sister here to look cos she likes betta. Then I looked at the giant tortoise, I knew when you walk past it you would surely comment on it. So I smiled and thought, I will have to show you them later on.

Because I remember the last time we went to the fish shop at yishun. We quarrelled. I didnt want that to happen again. I know you have much less interest in my new found aquarium hobby but I thought you might at least be interested in looking at fascinating fishes. And at the back of my mind, I reminded myself to keep this "sight seeing" short, so I would not bore you.

I was even thinking, the place is close to Northpoint, we can catch a movie later and have a nice dinner after such a long time. The thought made me happy and I forgot that I had to scold you have being late.

I thought, well, once you reach, you would say you are terribly sorry, that you know you were wrong, you would make up to me by saying you miss me after so long. Perhaps you would compromise for once and ask me if I have seen any nice fishes here, or you might ask me did the guy at the house who sold me the rocks bully me...then I would have replied you, well not really, I got the rocks at a bargain and ahh...I would say, I saw some really big luohans, one of them has a really large kok, I would like to show it to you. This was what I thought would happen.

And so I waited and waited...and still no news of you. I was getting a bit annoyed and bored from looking at the same old fishes. I kept turning around and hoping to suddenly see you. After walking and looking at the same fishes for the 3rd time, you finally reached.

I remember the look on your face. You looked happy, but your face looks haggard. I was happy to see you but I was worried because you look stressed. But I was also secretly laughing at the white shirt you wore because I wanted to say it makes your face looks pale. But I was also happy. Because I was thinking maybe you wore the white shirt because you know I like you to wear white crisp tshirt. And I was wearing a black shirt that time because I know you like black, and I was thinking black shirt can make me look slimmer so you wont keep laughing that my stomach is fat.

Then I saw the bottle of ice lemon tea in your hands, and I was pouting inside me, thinking, where is mine? Then I heard your chirpy tone of yours saying you are happy to see me! And I suddenly felt very happy too because the sight of you makes me want to smile too and I have so much to show you in the fish shop, especially the big luohan. I am sure you would take your time to criticise the luohan and tell me how good yours was in the past.

Then I looked away from you, trying to act angry so that you would sense my displeasure for making me wait so long and you will say, "Darling, I am very sorry I am so late lah..Btw how was the rocks that you bought? Did the guy bully you? Did he give you sub quality rocks?"

Then I would have replied, "Aiyah, why are you late! Later I get molested by the guy how? Maybe the guy also jikopek and I kena cheated. Wish you were there to help me." But I would be smiling while jesting, because I just wanted to flirt with you went into hibernation for exams after so long. I want you to sayang me after I waited half an hour for you and was darn scared about going alone to a stranger's house.

Then you would have replied, "Darl, I already told you that I am sorry. It was the darn bus which didnt come! You know the stupid SBS buses. Remember! The last time I wanted to meet you at Bugis, you were late by so long because the bus didnt come! And you were so angry! But I still forgive you in the end right? So you should forgive me also."

I was standing just in front of the normal corydora fish tank at the time, I remember, really waiting for you to say the above things. But you didnt, and merely said to me, "Sorry, I couldnt find the place."

I felt disappointed. I thought a sorry should be more sincere and since I am a girl and you are my bf, you should have pacified me abit more. But...never mind. I didnt say a word. So I turned my back, stared at the fish in the tank, hoping you can read my sign language and then start to try to pacify me or at least look at the same fish in the tank at me and start to comment on the fish so we have a common topic.

But suddenly you showed me your half drunk ice lemon tea and asked me, "You wanna drink?"
I was like..err...you drank halfway already. Then why ask me drink your half drank ice lemon tea which probably is not cold anymore and have a huge amount of saliva in it.

I was a bit disappointed now. So I said softly, not angrily, "No thanks."

Then, I forgot if it was me who handed you the bag of rocks or you offered to carry it for me. But you helped me with the bag.

So after that, I thought you would definitely peep into the bag. So I peeped at you from the corner of my eyes and bingo, I saw you open the bag and take a look inside. So I thought. Ok, right now you are going to ask me the if the guy who sold me the rocks got bully me or not, then I can start to sa jiao to you.

But, lo and behold, you simply kept quiet. I was confused and slightly angry now. So I continued to walk forward, waiting for you to open your mouth. I purposely walked past the marine fishes twice, to see if you would start a topic with me on that. But...again you kept quiet. So I walked and walked and walked....and you still kept quiet.

I was upset more and more and more. I am wondering, what happened? Why havent you opened your mouth? I was dying inside me to show you the incredibly scary looking snake looking albino fish. But...you didnt open your mouth. I became disappointed. So I walked round and round the fish tanks again and again, all the while opening my ears, and listening to your usual loud foot steps which you always make when you walk. I opened my ears, trying to catch your voice, to suddenly pull my arm and say, "Darling look at this fish! This monster fish, you sure like right?" Then I would have turned around and say, "ya I hope the fish eats you up!"

But again and again...you didnt. I was dying to show you the luohan next door. But I couldnt open my mouth until you did. It would have been very thick skinned of me to do it. Besides, you were late and the least you can do is to pacify me by mouth and saying some honey coated words. Then I would have relented. But you didnt...

So I walked to the next door where they sold equipnment. I walked around, purposely walking through to the area where they sold lights. I even knew the place was especially narrow, but I walked through it hoping to punish you for not talking to me. Then I purposely stood in front of the shelf where they put fish tanks. Then! You finally strike a conversation with me.

I remember. I know which tank you pointed to me. The tank that is self sustained. But I was....angry. Because you know I cant afford that expensive that. Then I thought by ignoring you again, you would start to ask me, "Darling, why you angry?" Then I would ask, "Why are you late?" Then maybe you could have done some simple explanation to me then I would have relented. But...you didnt. You kept quiet again.

So I walked around more and more. Actually this time I was looking for small pebbles. I didnt want to ask you to help me find because I know you hate shopping around in these dead stuff. I remember you said to me that you dont like seeing these dead stuff. You prefer at least to look at fishes cos they can move. So I didnt buy any of the things and then proceeded straight to the livestock place again.

I purposely looked at the super worms, and stared at the live centipedes. I thought, can le bah, you will start a conversation with me by saying, "Darl, you not afraid of centipedes ah!" Then I would say, "I hope they bite you!" But again...you didnt open your mouth. I was getting really frustrated.

So I walked over to the tubs where the big tortoise are. I stopped there and looked, purposely stop quite long. And...yes, you finally said to me, "A tortoise is dead." Darling, I heard you. I really did. I didnt ignore you like you think I was. I was simply looking at the tortoise and was trying to figure out which tortoise is dead because I saw all the tortoises moving.

But....in the end...you kept quiet again. I was angry now. Upset.

So I walked away. Because I have been lingering there for so long I am afraid the shopkeeper would think I am stupid and not buying things. So I walked away. I am already sick of you not saying a word. I dont know what gotten into me. I suddenly became very angry. Because you suddenly slipped ur arm over my shoulder.

A sudden burst of anger got into me. I want to communicate with you! I want you to talk and pacify me instead of pretending nothing happened! All those things which I planned to show you at the aquarium, I didnt manage to show you! Even the big luohan with the big kok! I wanted to show you but we had to leave before I can do so!

Then...anger just flushed into my head. I became angry. And I just walked and walked and walked. I knew you were behind me because I heard your loud footsteps you made with your slippers. Initially it was loud. Then it became softer. I knew you were angry a bit now. So I waited. I thought if you were angry you will confront me and ask me whats happening. Then I would have said I am angry because you were late.

But..you didnt. So I walked faster and faster. Then suddenly, I heard your footsteps soften. I became worried. Are you still behind me? So I walked slower, trying to hear your footsteps. You asked me where I was going. Actually, I was lost. All I wanted was for you to talk to me and ask me why I am angry and then I would have told you.

So I walked and walked and walked. And I find myself reaching this Yishun fish shop at Blk 618. Honestly I didnt aim to walk there but I was just looking for the MRT station. I wanted to tell you because worms appeared in my dog's kibbles, I have to buy new ones for her. So I needed to take the MRT to somewhere to buy her dog food.

But still....I dunno. Even though you walked behind me. I can feel you...becoming angrier and angrier. And I was also angry. Because you just let me walked on. I was hoping you can be dramatic like those guys in the movie. Grab my arm, swerve me around, look me in the face, and ask me, what the hell is happening.

But....

So we reached Blk 618. I wanted to go there because, firstly, I was in the vincity. Secondly, I was really really thirtsy after walking for so long. I want to look for a place to buy drinks.

Eventually, you still followed me to the fish shop. But by then, I have to apologise to you. I am sorry. Maybe the anger just got into my head and I couldnt think straight. I shouldnt have ignored you for so long. I should have just talked to you. I am sorry.

But...eventually, I wanted to ask you opinion about a plant. But I didnt know how to open my mouth after ignoring you for so long. And I also remember you dont like to linger too long at the fish shop. So I kept walking around the shop aimlessly, looking at things which I am not interested to buy at all. Until, I got myself very frustrated.

Then I...reached my breaking point. I decided to use the last resort. I told you to go home. I didnt look at you. Did you know why? Did you notice the tears in my eyes? I was crying by then. But you didnt know did you?

At the bottom of my heart, I am sorry I had to drag you didnt my fish hobby when I know you are not interested. But I was really really really hoping, you can appreciate it with me so we can enjoy one more thing together.

Did you know why I dont want to go to the movies? Because I feel inferior. In the crowds, I see all the beautiful girls. I feel inferior to them. I feel uncomfortable that I am so fat, cant fit into my clothes and cant dress up nicely. So....I begin to dread going out. But how can I tell you?

Then...you really went home. I thought for sure you would run after me. Ask me what happened. But...you didnt.

Did you know, I was at Khatib station crying for half an hour? I reached home only at 7 plus.

I cried myself to sleep until I woke up at 10 plus. I felt sorry so I called you, hoping maybe to ask for your forgiveness.

But from your tone....

And then finally....you told me all those things. The things I never thought would come from you. I dont know how to react anymore.

Why? Was there fundamentally wrong from the first day we dated? Are you knowingly going to abandon me, for your studies? I really cant understand. I dont. After we have gone so far, you say because studies and me cannot coexist in your life, you want to push me out?

I am hurt beyond words. Never for once I have doubted the bond between us. Until today. My fundamental faith in you....waivered. Crushing...crushing. Why?

I compromised already. I am no longer asking for presents or flowers. I chip in money for petrol. I chip in money to pay your fines when you come over my house and occassionaly get a fine for illegal parking. I didnt ask you to treat me to dinner. In fact I dont even mind giving you a treat at HK cafe. You always say you are poor. You check my bank account. I have only $600 left. I have to fork out money for my dog. I was hoping I can save at least $1000 in case she needs any operation. My income from dog boarding is all for her. Her yearly vaccine and full body checkup are coming soon and costs a hundred bucks. Her kibbles need replacements. It needs $50. Did I complain to you I am poor?

Did you know why I am depressed? Did you ask? My CAP score in uni is 2.5. Do you know that to obtain a minimal lowest third class honours I need a cap of 3.0 minimum. Do you know that without a CAP of 3.0 I cannot even complete my minor in GIS?

Did I complain to you? Did I say, lets break up. I cant balance my studies with a relationship. No. I treasure you. I want to be with you. Even though for the first time in life I am almost losing it because my CAP score is in a disaster. And what did you get for your CA, A, A A+. Me? All you said was in vile that I am intelligend what. Do you know how hurt I am by this kind of insensitive comments? I swallowed it.

Do you know that with such a bad CAP score I cannot even graduate? But did I tell you? No I didnt. Because I know you are vexed with your problems.

You always claim that you have your problems and do not want to tell me because of xxx reasons. Did you think of once, that I have my problems too? And my physical problems. you should know each month I have one of my most worrying thing. Did I tell you?

You dislike my hobby and openly tell me about it. The only thing which can relieve me from my stress and loneliness while waiting for you....and you openly show your distain in it.

Then you say...your studies and I cannot coexist and suggests perhaps we should really split.

What else can I do? What else can I say? What else can I sacrfice and compromise and swallow?

The time now is 5.36am. I spent 2 hours writing this post. I hope you can read every word of it.